1mp Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 This follows on from my other thread. I want to keep that focussed on me and her and so I've separated this off. The consensus is to go NC - fair enough - but I'd been researching for ages about IVF methods and found one with a good success rate with 40+ women and she says there'd be no issue if we'd tried again. (for the record, I agreed 2.5 yrs ago to a baby but that's another story). She feels she's missed her chance but this option reopens the door. Time is of the essence at 44 so what do I do? She feels there is no chance so I need to share the news but that would break NC whilst keeping it to myself would end her chances of having her baby. If I mention it now it could dig up all that resentment over the miscarriage and upset her even more when she's supposed to be getting much needed peace but if I keep quiet and she returns 18 months later then it will be too late for her. So do I tell her and return to NC or what?
rubberball Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Can you let a friend of hers know? That way she get the info and you don't have to break no contact? If not, email her and just provide a link, say something like " I thought you would like to read this"
Author 1mp Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) Her friends all hate me so getting them to help is a no no. My only other solution is to get my friend to email it her with a foreword how I feel she needs to know the info but that I'm respecting her need for space (maybe a sentence on how I need space too) so he's stepping in because he agrees she needs to know. It will have been 6 days since our last meeting - the final one, as it were - and 4 days since our last emails. Will getting my friend to email her the info work or will it undo any benefit of going NC? As she's still confused about her feelings, if there's a chance she's been missing me I don't want to undo that by getting in her face again like I did in the previous weeks. Edited November 4, 2011 by 1mp
Mike_d Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 why do you want to do ivf with her so badly? if she wants to have ivf there are plenty of places she can get a donor from and plenty of places to get the same info you have found. am I missing something here? you seem awfully invested in a big decision for someone you are nc with edit: IVF = in vitro fertilization
Author 1mp Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 Hi Mike, yes you are missing a lot but it's not needed in order to help me. Thx.
BCCA Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 The consensus is to go NC - fair enough - but I'd been researching for ages about IVF methods and found one with a good success rate with 40+ women and she says there'd be no issue if we'd tried again Youre missing the point of NC. This paragraph has two unrelated themes. You dont need to break NC to tell her anything, youre just looking for an excuse, Im sorry to say. She could find that info herself if she chose to. And yes, having your friend email her is A) kind of pathetic, and B) breaking NC. Do you think that if she doesnt want to hear from you that she wants to hear from your friend on your behalf? No. Keeping this info to yourself does not prevent her from having a baby, it only prevent her from talking to you about having a baby. She could find whatever info she wanted with a simple google search, no need to break NC.
Author 1mp Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) The consensus is to go NC - fair enough - but I'd been researching for ages about IVF methods and found one with a good success rate with 40+ women and she says there'd be no issue if we'd tried again Youre missing the point of NC. This paragraph has two unrelated themes. You dont need to break NC to tell her anything, youre just looking for an excuse, Im sorry to say. She could find that info herself if she chose to. And yes, having your friend email her is A) kind of pathetic, and B) breaking NC. Do you think that if she doesnt want to hear from you that she wants to hear from your friend on your behalf? No. Keeping this info to yourself does not prevent her from having a baby, it only prevent her from talking to you about having a baby. She could find whatever info she wanted with a simple google search, no need to break NC. No, it's you who is missing the point. Talking about how she can find the info herself, that she doesn't need me in order to have a baby, that I'm doing it to break NC is to misassume gravely. I'ld explain why I feel the need to share the info if I felt it was relevant but it isn't. But it is personal between her and I. Now you can either focus on my dilemma or assume about our relationship, me, her, what we discussed and her thoughts and feelings. Likewise, you can take me on my word or you can assume my only reason is to make contact - which is pure speculation and utter BS. Furthermore, you can insist I am lying to myself or you can actually defer to me being privvy to what you don't have: the truth. FWIW, she doesn't know this info is out there at all - and we were talking just 1 day before I got it. Plus I had to get it from a specialist too as it's related to our situation and her fertility. It's also specific to things she said, that I haven't shared, and the info will be a game changer for her. I could continue but I don't need to justify myself to a stranger who believes they know better about "us". Yes this is a slap down - and I am justified in doing so - but I am not getting hissy - just firmly yet fairly putting you, and others, in their place after overstepping the mark. You're the umpteenth person to make mass assumptions and state them as fact whilst getting things amazingly wrong. When I joined this site it was to get help and advice. I've been nothing but straight up and have done nothing to deserve my integrity being brought into question - especially when I've alread explained to one guy he's missing the point. If you want to make an issue of missing the point, look no further than your own words: Do you think that if she doesnt want to hear from you that she wants to hear from your friend on your behalf?.........Keeping this info to yourself does not prevent her from having a babyYou have no idea why you're missing the point - and that's my point. You have no idea yet you feel well positioned to comment and to disagree with me when I've already corrected one person for not knowing the full facts. I asked a specific question, I'd appreciate it if you stick to it and leave the mindreading to the psychics. Edited November 5, 2011 by 1mp
Art_Critic Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Stay in NC... She knows her body better than you do.. Let her heal.... IVF can take years and can cause much emotional turmoil..and tons of money.. Having done IVF and AI with my exwife many times I can attest to that..
Author 1mp Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) Stay in NC... She knows her body better than you do.. Let her heal.... Art, your post is the most helpful and genuine of all replies, thanks. However, it still exemplifies why it grates when people assume about things I've not asked and people they don't know about. Especially when they presume so much (you didn't but they did). See, the issue isn't about her knowing her body better than I and it never was. Nor can she heal as things stand - which is what drove our break up - thus strangers commenting on either of us when not in possession of facts is galling, especially when some insist I'm being disingenuous. She wanted a baby with me, the man she loved. She said on Sunday, as she's said many times before (but I've never posted about) that if there was the chance, she'd still be with me but from the info that's available on the internet, like others so arrogantly stated she could get without me, she believes her chance is less than 0.01%. My info, specific to us, indicates she has potentially a 34% chance - as high as a woman of 29 on traditional IVF - and it took me a long time, and a lot of specialists, to get. I was working on it whilst we were together. It's killed me to see her so distraught. And it's the one thing that would get her back instantly and eradicate the overwhelming resentment. Add to this there's literally no time to lose because of her age and that we may have to IUI and/or FET as a result she doesn't have the luxury of waiting. She's always believed fertility treatment is unavailable and ineffective for a woman of her circumstances (I'd explain that but why bother when certain people like to assume?) and so she isn't going to research. She didn't in the previous 5 years - just stuck to the info she already had - so she isn't going to start now, despite what the know-all sages in this thread say). That is the reason why I need to get the info to her - not because I can't stand NC. And that is why BCCA and Mike D can go f^&k themselves. Edited November 5, 2011 by 1mp
Art_Critic Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 She didn't in the previous 5 years - You sound like you are hurting too... She has had her Dr's to give her info as well... At this point only a Dr with an examination as well as ultrasound and blood tests can even come close to speculating what her chances are.. The only thing I could suggest is that you know thing best and that would be to contact her.. and tell her of the info you have but leave it to her to decide what she would like to do. She may just be coming to terms with the age vs child bearing and becoming more accustomed to not being able to bear a child.. The other thing is adoption as well.. egg donation if she can still carry a child and other things like surrogates are also possibilities.. Do you think that if you contacted her and told her your info that you could let her be the decider on it and not push her any further ? Another thing also is that your relationship would have to be extremely strong in order to go thru something as trying as IVF.. Are you both strong enough to go thru it and survive ?
Trovador Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 wow, this guy is a douchebag... why does he comes to this forum to ask for advice, just to disqualify people who intends to help... why doesn't he leave and look for a forum on the whole internet where all posters say what he wants to hear... why does he post in the first place? sometimes you want to help and wish the best to people with troubles, but other times you wish all the bad they can get... i leave this thread but I shake off the dust under my feet... ugghhhh!!!!
wilsonx Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 If you read this guy's first post, he got played and wont admit it to himself. Girl ended relationship and immediately jumped into another relationship within 2 weeks. "I love you but I am not in love with you any more type breakup" Typical GIGS breakup. The sad part is, he's trying to manipulate contact with her to show himself as the knight in shining armor with the captain save a hoe mentality and wont listen to reason that his relationship is over. It is what it is, nothing we can do about it
solobeary Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 wow, this guy is a douchebag... why does he comes to this forum to ask for advice, just to disqualify people who intends to help... why doesn't he leave and look for a forum on the whole internet where all posters say what he wants to hear... why does he post in the first place? sometimes you want to help and wish the best to people with troubles, but other times you wish all the bad they can get... i leave this thread but I shake off the dust under my feet... ugghhhh!!!! wow, yeah. There's no need to get worked up about a loveshack respons, OP. If you ask for advice about an incredibly personal topic and provide only a couple of paragraphs of info, people are going to have to assume things to attempt to give you an answer. Particularly on a forum like this, where people are in incredibly emotional states and often not very rational and often are thankful to other forum members for reading between the lines and calling them out on stuff, or, if the response was totally off, respectfully disagree with the assessment.
Author 1mp Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 You sound like you are hurting too... Yup. The only thing I could suggest is that you know thing best and that would be to contact her.. and tell her of the info you have but leave it to her to decide what she would like to do. I agree. But an extra week or so isn't going to make a difference so I'm going to stay in NC for at least that long. The other thing is adoption as well.. egg donation if she can still carry a child and other things like surrogates are also possibilities. That is an option for some but not for us. She would not entertain that and to be fair, neither would I. Do you think that if you contacted her and told her your info that you could let her be the decider on it and not push her any further ? Yes. After reading the posts on this site, I am aware how I pushed too hard. I wasn't weak or needy (not until the end, anyway) but I did push too hard and yes, I can leave it with her. If not for any other reason that I am burned out. I ran myself into the ground trying to get through to her. And only this past week have I realised that she knows & took in more than I gave her credit for and also if she refuses to budge on dcertain untruths (that she hasn't budged on for 5 years) then she never will. Another thing also is that your relationship would have to be extremely strong in order to go thru something as trying as IVF.. Are you both strong enough to go thru it and survive ? You're right. The increased risk of miscarriage is a bit factor but in a strange way, just trying could give her closure. She's said this before and it's the lack of concerted trying that has hurt her the most. Thanks for your posts.
Author 1mp Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 wow, this guy is a douchebag... why does he comes to this forum to ask for advice, just to disqualify people who intends to help... why doesn't he leave and look for a forum on the whole internet where all posters say what he wants to hear... why does he post in the first place? sometimes you want to help and wish the best to people with troubles, but other times you wish all the bad they can get... i leave this thread but I shake off the dust under my feet... ugghhhh!!!! Trov, I didn't disqualify anyone who intends to help - I disqualified people who assume for no good reason whatsoever, people who question my integrity and assume they know better - like calling me out on my supposed motives and what she can do (when I know exactly what she's willing to do or not). It's not about hearing what I want to hear - it's only about people staying on point. This thread was merely asking what do I do if I am in NC but have important news she needs to hear? That is it. Yet people chose to ignore the question at hand and make judgement calls on things they know nothing about. Similarly in my other thread some clown insisted I came across as weak and needy (when I didn't divulge any details about our conversations) and said I am not unique at all when I made that claim about my ex, not me. As for hearing what I want to hear - in my other post I asked countless times for peoples opinions on the questions I raised in my summary but no one did so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Author 1mp Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 If you read this guy's first post, he got played and wont admit it to himself. Girl ended relationship and immediately jumped into another relationship within 2 weeks. "I love you but I am not in love with you any more type breakup" Typical GIGS breakup. The sad part is, he's trying to manipulate contact with her to show himself as the knight in shining armor with the captain save a hoe mentality and wont listen to reason that his relationship is over. And this is the kind of BS I am on about. Massive asusmptions based on countless GIGS tales he's heard before. He knows not my ex but insists she played me - WTF?! No, she didn't. And if he knew my ex, knew our situation, then he'd knwo this. The least he can do is defer to my knowledge seeing as it's my ex, my life and my relationship. Then he harps on about being a knight in shining armour for some strange reason (he lost me there so I can't comment any further). And then says I won't listen to reason it's over when no one has given me any reason it's over. I have my own reaosn it's over - and that's the fact she can't overcome her resentment towards me for the miscarriage - bit not seen any other reason from anybody else.
Author 1mp Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 wow, yeah. There's no need to get worked up about a loveshack respons, OP. If you ask for advice about an incredibly personal topic and provide only a couple of paragraphs of info, people are going to have to assume things to attempt to give you an answer. Particularly on a forum like this, where people are in incredibly emotional states and often not very rational and often are thankful to other forum members for reading between the lines and calling them out on stuff, or, if the response was totally off, respectfully disagree with the assessment. Solo, I guess you're right about getting worked up. I tried to make that point somehwre about it being just "the internet" but I was astounded and enraged by the arrogance on display. I'm all for reading between the lines when there's enough to go on - I did it when I replied to the guy saying he wants a break before he gets married and I told him he really doesn't want to get married. But what went on here went above any realistic sense of reason and was totally out of order. And again, it weas unecessary as the question was simply asking what to do with important news when I am in NC? But yeah, just the internet.
Author 1mp Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 (edited) "I love you but I am not in love with you any more type breakup" Typical GIGS breakup. Try to read before calling the shots. She didn't say that. She loved me (4 weeks ago anyway) but had 5 years of no ring, no baby, no moving in, no progression. There were factors - and some were her fault - but this is why her head said no whilst her heart said yes. Not everything is as innocent as we'd like them to believe, I know, but by the same token not everythign is as dark as we may think either. Sometimes, believe it or not, things are just as they are presented. And that's what happened here. There was no other guy, she isn't a hoe, and if you saw the tears everytime she saw a pregnant mother or talked about the miscarriage then you'd know this. But you don't, do you? As for a new relationship within 2 weeks - that can't possibly be a classic rebound now, can it? Edited November 6, 2011 by 1mp
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