lovelostornot Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Hi, Allow me to introduce myself. Im a 29 year old male engaged to a wonderful 30 year old women. Mainly we have a fantastic relationship. The last few months we have had our troubles and wobbles but have tried to stay strong. Things haven't been exactly brilliant the last few weeks though. With her work she was due to go over seas to work for 4-6 weeks. I suggested we split up for this duration. Not a "break" but split up. This time would help us (myself more importantly) put perspective on our relationship before we do step down the aisle. We split up With the view that we would get back together when she comes home. Now here is my problem. I love her and have never or would I ever cheat. But I am dying to quite simply have a fling. I feel as though I need to get it out of my system and realise how silly I would be to let such a good thing slip through my fingers. The problem I'm having is this, I love her and even though we both agreed to split I feel at times as though I would be cheating. And I don't want to do that. I know guys would suggest and do it anyway and she wouldnt need to know, but I don't know if I could deal with the guilt. If she comes home and asks me was I with anybody I would find it very hard to look at her and tell her a lie. What if I feel so guilty I have to come clean and tell her. It would break her heart. The other part of me, is telling me to do it. After all I am single, even if it is only for 6 weeks. Make the most of my freedom, gain a new perspective on our relationship get back together and leave the past behind us and move on. I don't want to be a cheat as I hate them. I know I'm single but I still feel as though I would be cheating. Would I be able to cope with the guilt and telling her lies if she asks. But I also want to have fun while I am single!! Sorry if I have you confused, but I actually have myself confused. This is the constant battle im having with myself. Im looking for peoples (male & females) views, opinions and input please. Thanks for reading and sorry for the confusion.
InJest Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Why are you concerned about having to lie to her. You're broken up, and it's not cheating, so why wouldn't you be able to just say, "Yes, I was with someone else."? Have you considered that she may be having a fling, herself?
ShannonMI Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Hi, Allow me to introduce myself. Im a 29 year old male engaged to a wonderful 30 year old women. Mainly we have a fantastic relationship. The last few months we have had our troubles and wobbles but have tried to stay strong. Things haven't been exactly brilliant the last few weeks though. With her work she was due to go over seas to work for 4-6 weeks. I suggested we split up for this duration. Not a "break" but split up. This time would help us (myself more importantly) put perspective on our relationship before we do step down the aisle. We split up With the view that we would get back together when she comes home. Now here is my problem. I love her and have never or would I ever cheat. But I am dying to quite simply have a fling. I feel as though I need to get it out of my system and realise how silly I would be to let such a good thing slip through my fingers. The problem I'm having is this, I love her and even though we both agreed to split I feel at times as though I would be cheating. And I don't want to do that. I know guys would suggest and do it anyway and she wouldnt need to know, but I don't know if I could deal with the guilt. If she comes home and asks me was I with anybody I would find it very hard to look at her and tell her a lie. What if I feel so guilty I have to come clean and tell her. It would break her heart. The other part of me, is telling me to do it. After all I am single, even if it is only for 6 weeks. Make the most of my freedom, gain a new perspective on our relationship get back together and leave the past behind us and move on. I don't want to be a cheat as I hate them. I know I'm single but I still feel as though I would be cheating. Would I be able to cope with the guilt and telling her lies if she asks. But I also want to have fun while I am single!! Sorry if I have you confused, but I actually have myself confused. This is the constant battle im having with myself. Im looking for peoples (male & females) views, opinions and input please. Thanks for reading and sorry for the confusion. You wouldn't be cheating. Go for it! You only live once.
dasein Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Believe me, if she decides to have a fling, she will stop at "we are split up right now" and then do what she wants to do. Even if you weren't technically broken up, she would come up with some farfetched rationalization allowing her to do what she wants without guilt. Women are masters of rationalizing things in their favor and men often prove to be just the opposite, as in your case. You are broken up, have the fling. Many will tell you that the mere fact that you want a fling is evidence enough that you shouldn't marry, but I'm not in that camp. Get the fling under your belt and consider the commitment of marriage very very carefully before going through with it, but your desire to have a fling is natural and normal, and doesn't say you are of low character, a bad prospect, or any other guilt inducing thing people are liable to tell you here.
Metis Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 lovelostornot: If you agreed to split up temporarily and simultaneously get back together afterwards, that's not a real "break-up". So I really hope that you and your fiance defined the terms. Does your fiance understand that the purpose of the temporary split is so you could have a fling? Would you be okay with her having a fling of her own? Look, every couple is free do set their own boundaries. I'd say do whatever you want to do as long as you are honest and open with your partner, and as long as you don't expect your partner to make greater sacrifices for the relationship than you yourself are willing to commit to. If you have a fling, you lose the moral ground to expect her to be faithful, at least during the split-up. In any event, if you think the technical requirements of you being single have been met, by all means go for it. But don't be surprised if it turns out to be lethal to the future relationship that you and your fiance agreed you would have, and don't be surprised if the whole thing turns out to be much messier and less emotionally satisfying that you had hoped.
Jono85 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 this whole plan is incredibly dumb imo. and why are you saying it's not a "break" but you're splitting up?? if you both have the intentions and plans on being back together when she gets back, i don't get why you don't think it's a break. either way, i think this is dumb. so essentially you guys are agreeing to f*ck other people for a little while to help build perspective and strengthen your relationship?? lol. doesn't sound like either of you are ready for marriage if you both are cool with this idea. just breakup (for good...or at least under the belief that it's completely over), or stay together. this in between stuff is silly.
SingleinSouth Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 lovelostornot: In any event, if you think the technical requirements of you being single have been met, by all means go for it. But don't be surprised if it turns out to be lethal to the future relationship that you and your fiance agreed you would have, and don't be surprised if the whole thing turns out to be much messier and less emotionally satisfying that you had hoped. In complete agreement.
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 You wouldn't be cheating. Go for it! You only live once. I hope that was said in sarcasm.
Cypress25 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Isn't this the real reason you suggested a temporary break while she's in another country? You figured if you're not getting sex from her for 4-6 weeks, you might as well get it from someone else, right? This relationship is doomed. You can't have sex with someone else every time your fiancee is not available to meet your sexual needs. If you can't even stay faithful for 4-6 weeks in her absence, you'll never last a lifetime, which is how long marriages are supposed to last. And you're not single. You're planning on getting back together when she returns, you just want to pretend to be single while she's gone. You got her permission so you wouldn't have to feel guilty for cheating on her. She thinks you plan to use this break to do some thinking, so you've already lied to her. Don't you think she has a right to know what kind of opportunistic bastard she's engaged to? Tell her the truth. Say "Honey, I want to take a break because I want my sexual needs to be satisfied while you're gone, but I still want the benefit of a devoted fiancee when you get back. Sound good?" She might say yes, you never know. Or she might realize that you see this as a relationship of convenience, and when it's not convenient, you'll cheat on her.
Survivor12 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 You may want to consider the fact that to have a fling, it will be necessary to involve another woman who deserves to know that your interest in her is merely to satisfy your desire to "get it out of your system" before your gf returns. While finding someone to agree to such an arrangement may be possible, it is equally possible that this woman could become "attached" and ultimately create a problem when you and your gf renew your relationship. (Have you never seen "Fatal Attraction"?) Whether or not it's cheating, you may want to give some thought to the potential repercussions on your relationship with your gf in the future.
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 There are three separate threads on this subject.
OneFootOut Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I'm sorry, but I would question just how true this love is, and how much you really value your relationship. Are you not committed and loyal enough to remain engaged and faithful to her for the 6 weeks that she has to be away? What happens when you are married, do you plan to "split up” every time one of you is away for work? What if one of you takes ill for a while? Will you split up, just so you can justify getting your jollies with someone else? If you can’t be a loyal and devoted mate while she has to be away, then you probably aren’t ready for marriage. I may be an odd duck for saying, but I can’t fathom how you can proclaim your love for her and then say you want to have a fling. When you LOVE someone, you don’t think about having flings, you don’t jeopardize or risk that relationship. You think about the one you love and stand by and support her even if she has to be away for a few weeks. IMO, it’s childish and immature to break up a relationship over time and distance, and especially if it is just to give you a free pass to play while your mate is away. Maybe you should think about why you made wedding plans in the first place.. was it because you really love this woman, or just because she was a good catch? "gain a new perspective on our relationship" How is that done by sleeping around? Seems to me your alone time would be better spent laying ground work for your future together, working on your plans, and bettering yourself and what you bring to the relationship.
OneFootOut Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 There are three separate threads on this subject. Maybe that explains why I couldn't find my first reply lol..
Survivor12 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Oh, and PS: The future could be a long, long time. Picture this: A few years down the line, the temporary resurfaces in your life and your gf wants to know who she is and how you know her. Do you REALLY think that your gf is going to be satisfied when you tell her, "but we were on a BREAK!"? I wouldn't bet on it. If you do resume your relationship when she returns, the sands of time will most likely erase any memory she has of having been on a break.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Let me get this straight: you want to f*** someone else and see if there is something better out there but have your fiance as a back-up option. :sick::sick::sick::sick:
Nexus One Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) You wouldn't be cheating. Go for it! You only live once. Well technically he wouldn't be cheating, but imagine him telling the truth to her: "Oh by the way hunny, before we got married when you were on that business trip, I f*cked some random chick for the fun of it. Just wanted to let you know." Yes you live only once, but there's still something like respect, loyalty and decency towards the person you intend to MARRY. Edited November 3, 2011 by Nexus One
ShannonMI Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Well technically he wouldn't be cheating, but imagine him telling the truth to her: "Oh by the way hunny, before we got married when you were on that business trip, I f*cked some random chick for the fun of it. Just wanted to let you know." Yes you live only once, but there's still something like respect, loyalty and decency towards the person you intend to MARRY. Wait did I miss something? I thought they BROKE UP. If they broke up then what's the problem? If she's just away on a business trip and they're still together then of course that would be a big no no and cheating. I misunderstood apparently.
ShannonMI Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I hope that was said in sarcasm.[/quote I read it wrong. He's intending to just break up while she's away and then get back together when she comes back. I missed that the first time. I don't understand this at all. Why the hell can't they just stay together while she's gone?
ffw Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Not a "break" but split up. They didn't broke up but got split. To OP, how will it feel if she does the same thing to you? I guess you are planning to marry her. In the future, if you guys get separated for a while, are you going to get the same urge?
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I read it wrong. He's intending to just break up while she's away and then get back together when she comes back. I missed that the first time. I don't understand this at all. Why the hell can't they just stay together while she's gone? Good question. I know plenty of couples who survive 4-6 weeks of being apart, and many for much longer. And I'm relieved you read it wrong and weren't encouraging it!
OliveOyl Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Watch the movie "Hall Pass." That will probably help you figure things out as much as this thread.
Nexus One Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I read it wrong. He's intending to just break up while she's away and then get back together when she comes back. I missed that the first time. Ah well that explains it then. You almost had me raise an eyebrow there! Take us to you leader, Sha ' non! For some odd reason I felt like saying that.
Anela Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Oh, and PS: The future could be a long, long time. Picture this: A few years down the line, the temporary resurfaces in your life and your gf wants to know who she is and how you know her. Do you REALLY think that your gf is going to be satisfied when you tell her, "but we were on a BREAK!"? I wouldn't bet on it. If you do resume your relationship when she returns, the sands of time will most likely erase any memory she has of having been on a break. This reminds me of Friends, when Ross and Rachel were on a break, and he slept with someone else.
Anela Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Let me get this straight: you want to f*** someone else and see if there is something better out there but have your fiance as a back-up option. :sick::sick::sick::sick: Agreed. I think you'll regret it, if you really love her.
ShannonMI Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 They didn't broke up but got split. To OP, how will it feel if she does the same thing to you? I guess you are planning to marry her. In the future, if you guys get separated for a while, are you going to get the same urge? My guess is that she's ok with the temporary split because she'd like to get her groove on as well with someone else. What woman is ok with splitting up with the man she's about to marry for only 6 weeks? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. She's getting herself some strange. Guaranteed.
Recommended Posts