CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Is this normal to be constantly excluded from family events? First Christmas: we were dating for 8 months. My parents live in another state. I was alone for Christmas and he didn't invite me. He didn't even make a separate time before he left for us to exchange gifts. But I presumed that maybe it was too soon, which although it hurt me, I thought would be the last time.... Thanksgiving: I get invited to the family Thanksgiving at his sister's house with the specific exclusion of my children. My bf arranges to have it at his house instead. I was looking forward to planning it with him, and hosting with him, but a week before realize he already planned the whole thing with his mom and sister. I end up being just another 'guest'. This year Christmas: He is coming to my parents house between Christmas and New Years. I now discovered that his mother and sister already planned a party for the 27th. I presume that means we're cutting the trip to my parents short. Which he hasn't told me about yet, but is fine, except it is clear to me that I am completely excluded from the festivities on the 27th. What is the 'norm' for gilfriends/boyfriends over holidays? When do you invite your partner to your family's holiday? How do you navigate that in your family? Is it okay to exclude one?
norajane Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Is it his family that is excluding you, or is HE excluding you? It wasn't clear from what you wrote. Are you clear on whether it is him or his family that is choosing not to invite you? In my family, everyone is welcome to holiday events. Or at any other time that I want to invite them. If I want someone there, I invite him.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Is it his family that is excluding you, or is HE excluding you? It wasn't clear from what you wrote. Are you clear on whether it is him or his family that is choosing not to invite you? In my family, everyone is welcome to holiday events. Or at any other time that I want to invite them. If I want someone there, I invite him. The family is specifically excluding me. Specifically his sister wrote an email to everyone asking that no one outside the family be invited (to the first Christmas), and specifically excluded my children (knowing I wouldn't be able to attend without them) from the Thanksgiving. My boyfriend acknowledges that the sister doesn't like me, and that I didn't do anything to deserve it. She has a history of hating his girlfriends. His dad is also scared of her - in fact the whole family is constantly walking on egg shells to make sure that she doesn't explode. I think my boyfriend just wants to appease his family and have a peaceful holidays. Just that it continues to be at my dispense. Literally. being. dispensed.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Typical cat like behavior from this woman....I love cats and i have one...second cat will be trouble! VERY territorial...my cat loves me and would be very jealous..... lol. So what does one cat do when she loves the jealous cat's brother??
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Fight for him with the second cat. Don't be scared of her like others. Be strong, call her out and be indifferent to her ways. Women would rather you hate them than ignore them. Look at her like a spoiled child that she is. Ignore her when possible. Who cares if she hates you? or anyone, sure it would be nice....but they should be trying to be your friend not wise versa good sis. I fear that if I stand up to her I alienate the family and disturb this delicate balance they have around her. I am ultimately the outsider coming in. If my boyfriend approves with what is happening and how the family have been doing things I don't really have a foot to stand on to oppose it.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 The fear not you is dictating your actions. Can't you see? You like being a puppet on strings of fear? Okay, but have you seen two cats getting into a cat fight? lol.
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Okay, but have you seen two cats getting into a cat fight? lol. All jokes aside, I feel like ending the relationship because of this. It's a source of constant frustration.
InJest Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) You should subversively make her tweak out. Don't start an open conflict with her, but just say little things that will get under her skin. Just talk about how much you love your b/f, and all the cute little things he does and how it's so adorable. Then say something like, "bet you wish he was still yours, don't you?", in a joking voice. Continue doing things like that, and try to do it when there are less people around. You want to make it appear like you don't want her to like you. Enjoy and embrace the fact that she doesn't like you. Or just end it. Edited November 3, 2011 by InJest
norajane Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 My boyfriend acknowledges that the sister doesn't like me, and that I didn't do anything to deserve it. She has a history of hating his girlfriends. So, it's not personal. She doesn't hate you; she hates every girlfriend, and is a bit of a wackjob. That will not change. You can change your perspective so that you do not feel hurt by her or his family. You don't have to be personally offended or feel responsible for her behavior. She is what she is and she will not change. I fear that if I stand up to her I alienate the family and disturb this delicate balance they have around her. I am ultimately the outsider coming in. If my boyfriend approves with what is happening and how the family have been doing things I don't really have a foot to stand on to oppose it. No, standing up to her will do nothing useful. You need to stand up to your bf. HE is the one who is allowing this treatment of you. He knows how his sister is. He knows how his family caters to her. He knows that it is hurting you. He is a grown man and has the power to avoid this situation by not attending certain family events if you are not invited. He CAN do that. If he chooses not to, then your issue is with him.
norajane Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 All jokes aside, I feel like ending the relationship because of this. It's a source of constant frustration. You should tell your bf that you have reached this place. He needs to understand how serious this is for you and how hurtful. Give him the opportunity to man-up and deal with this with his family.
SingleinSouth Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 You should tell your bf that you have reached this place. He needs to understand how serious this is for you and how hurtful. Give him the opportunity to man-up and deal with this with his family. Yes, this. BTDT and he never did "man up" and we split. It was a constant hurtful situation and I had zero respect for him as a man over it.:/
Author CanadianGirl83 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 So, it's not personal. She doesn't hate you; she hates every girlfriend, and is a bit of a wackjob. That will not change. You can change your perspective so that you do not feel hurt by her or his family. You don't have to be personally offended or feel responsible for her behavior. She is what she is and she will not change. No, standing up to her will do nothing useful. You need to stand up to your bf. HE is the one who is allowing this treatment of you. He knows how his sister is. He knows how his family caters to her. He knows that it is hurting you. He is a grown man and has the power to avoid this situation by not attending certain family events if you are not invited. He CAN do that. If he chooses not to, then your issue is with him. The thing is, I can accept she's mean, I can even accept she doesn't like me, but being excluded from making memories with my boyfriend is hurtful. I have expressed this to him and for all intents and purposes he is supportive. He does acknowledge his sister and constantly ask me what he can do to make it right - But REALLY how do you tell him he can't go to his family's Christmas because they don't like me? Or my mere presence will ruin it for everyone? Can I really ask him that? Is that reasonable? Relationships are complicated. Oi. That's why I'm curious at what time does the family 'accept' you as part of your boyfriend's life? Is it only after marriage?
SingleinSouth Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 The thing is, I can accept she's mean, I can even accept she doesn't like me, but being excluded from making memories with my boyfriend is hurtful. I have expressed this to him and for all intents and purposes he is supportive. He does acknowledge his sister and constantly ask me what he can do to make it right - But REALLY how do you tell him he can't go to his family's Christmas because they don't like me? Or my mere presence will ruin it for everyone? Can I really ask him that? Is that reasonable? Relationships are complicated. Oi. That's why I'm curious at what time does the family 'accept' you as part of your boyfriend's life? Is it only after marriage? Your boyfriend has to set the boundary. Or you have to accept that it won't change.
D-Lish Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Yes, this. BTDT and he never did "man up" and we split. It was a constant hurtful situation and I had zero respect for him as a man over it.:/ I had the same thing with my exH- his mother was a tyrant, and he never stood up for me. I'd say 90% of our issues stemmed from that. A family dynamic like this will never change.
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 You two haven't even been together for a full year yet and I think inviting someone to Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, IS a big thing. You aren't his family, nor is he yours. Let's keep this in perspective..There's no living together or marriage plans, you two are dating and bf/gf for 8 months.. That's not that long. You focus on your kids and family during the holidays and let him focus on his family. You two can make fun plans to do a holiday meal without the drama and family. Invite good friends and have fun. In the meantime, you and your bf bond and strengthen your relationship. Worry about his family another time. He just isn't ready to cause rukus with his sister. And, who cares if she doesn't like you, she sounds like a real beyotch. When the time comes you meet his family, exclude her and focus on his parents. invite them to dinner another time that isn't focussed on holidays. Eventually his sister will calm down and get over herself. Let him deal with her.
Ilovewater Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 You two haven't even been together for a full year yet and I think inviting someone to Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, IS a big thing. You aren't his family, nor is he yours. Let's keep this in perspective..There's no living together or marriage plans, you two are dating and bf/gf for 8 months.. That's not that long. Since she said that she and her bf had been together for 8 years for the first Christmas, which I assume is last year, that means that they must have been together for almost 2 years now. Being excluded from his family for 2 years is a long time. Personally, I wouldn't take that. If your bf doesn't stand up to his sister after this long, he's most likely never going to stand up to her. If you stay with him, you should expect this to be a continual problem.
D-Lish Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Since she said that she and her bf had been together for 8 years for the first Christmas, which I assume is last year, that means that they must have been together for almost 2 years now. Being excluded from his family for 2 years is a long time. Personally, I wouldn't take that. If your bf doesn't stand up to his sister after this long, he's most likely never going to stand up to her. If you stay with him, you should expect this to be a continual problem. Well, I met my last 2 serious ex's in October/November- and we did x-mas with both fam's together that same year. I think when you meet someone that is right for you, you don't wait ages to introduce them to your family.
Ilovewater Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Well, I met my last 2 serious ex's in October/November- and we did x-mas with both fam's together that same year. I think when you meet someone that is right for you, you don't wait ages to introduce them to your family. Exactly! My bf didn't hesitate to introduce me to his parents after 2 months. It wasn't even a formal thing. He just asked me to stop by and say hi to his parents. From the OP's post, I'm not sure if it's the whole family that's the problem or just the sister. Either way, he needs to learn to stand up for the OP. His sister is an adult. She needs to learn how to treat people with respect soon.
norajane Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 The thing is, I can accept she's mean, I can even accept she doesn't like me, but being excluded from making memories with my boyfriend is hurtful. I have expressed this to him and for all intents and purposes he is supportive. He does acknowledge his sister and constantly ask me what he can do to make it right - But REALLY how do you tell him he can't go to his family's Christmas because they don't like me? Or my mere presence will ruin it for everyone? Can I really ask him that? Is that reasonable? Relationships are complicated. Oi. That's why I'm curious at what time does the family 'accept' you as part of your boyfriend's life? Is it only after marriage? They accept you when he shows them that you are a part of his life. When he brings you to family events, or when he avoids the ones you are not invited to - and is clear with his family WHY he is avoiding the event.
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