too much dependence on his parents!!!

[blahdeeblah]

i don't know if this is a problem or not or if it's just something i'm making into a problem. my boyfriend is very close with his family. which is fine. it does spark a little bit of jealousy in me (just being honest) b/c that's something that's always been missing in my family and is a square peg that i've been trying to fit into a round hole my whole life. meeting my bf and his family has thrown a little bit of salt onto that wound b/c the stark contrast between his family and mine puts my "loss" into sharper focus. but, i don't have a problem with him being close....i am close to my mom and can appreciate that he's luckier than most to have such a strong support network.

 

however, i feel his focus should turn more to me and our relationship as an adult couple and maybe he shouldn't rely quite SO heavily, emotionally, on his parents. i feel his family's opinions, advice and support means far more to him than mine do. he calls his dad about exciting news before he calls me and he tells his mom more details about his bad day than he tells me. he can easily spend more time on the phone w/ his dad than he ever does w/ me when we're apart (and he sees them very often). and ALWAYS in the middle of us spending time together, he calls them several times to tell them what we're doing, what we're seeing, where we are, something exciting or interesting that just happened....which gets annoying enough, but he doesn't even really do that when he's away from me....if i call him, he usually doesn't want to be rude and stay on the phone. he might send me a few texts, but he doesn't call about every last little thing or linger on the phone like he does with his parents. his mom has even kind of pushed him to get off the phone when he calls her when we're out somewhere, and has told him "why don't you save up all your stories and share them all at the same time when you get back". something i tried to tell him, but he only kind of listened when his mom suggested that.

 

almost half of our time together includes his parents....they'll often go out to eat with us, or get included in some activity that i initially thought would be something romantic or fun for just us. i'm not trying to exclude them or never spend time with them...but it just feels like TOO often...they're there. like chaperones.

 

when something goes wrong (lost keys, car trouble, etc.)....he's immediately on his phones calling his parents about it like a toddler who runs to his parents b/c some kid was a meanie. and it's almost like they have to calm him down and tell him what to do or he can't function or think straight. and this is a full grown, often overly-logical, highly successful man. and....again...he doesn't really call me or rely on my advice nearly as much, even though i have a lot more "streetwise" experience than he does from being on my own more.

 

it's just really unattractive to me. again, i DO NOT expect him to stop being close to his parents or anything stupid like that. i even hope to be a part of his family someday and be included in their closeness....but this is too much dependence for an adult, imo. and in times when you do need support, i feel like your SO should be the first person you call, the first person you discuss life decisions with (especially when they'll be affected by those decisions), the first person you share exciting news with, and the first shoulder you cry on. then, your family, who will always be there, is there to catch you when your SO doesn't or can't. OR they are there as supplementary support and get included equally.

 

i don't know.....is this too harsh? i admit some of my own issues may be clouding my perception a little bit, but most girls i know would be weirded out, i think, if they were in this situation. :/

Edited November 3, 2011 by blahdeeblah

[delurk]

From what you've described, it sounds like this guy doesn't value you as much as his close family, which isn't particularly healthy for a relationship of partners. If this isn't just a few recent instances that have been bothering you but a regular occurrence throughout your relationship, then you probably do have a problem. (Although it also depends on how long you've been seeing one another - is this quite a recent relationship, or have you been seeing each other for a while? If the former, it may improve with time; if the latter, it's less likely.)

 

It sounds like you actually like (or at least don't dislike) his family, but they're simply around a bit too much for comfort. Have you tried talking to him about it? Perhaps he's unaware that it bothers you so much, in which case a conversation might help. Something along the lines of, "I know you're really close with your family, and I like spending time with them too. But I find it a bit exhausting seeing them quite so often - it makes the times we do see them less of a special occasion. It'd be nice to spend more time together with just us."

 

Hopefully if you're reasonable about it, he'll be willing to listen. Then again, if this is the same guy from your other threads, then it sounds like you may be a bit incompatible for other reasons as well (as you described money being quite an issue between you two). But best of luck anyway.

Edited November 6, 2011 by delurk

[norajane]

it's just really unattractive to me. again, i DO NOT expect him to stop being close to his parents or anything stupid like that. i even hope to be a part of his family someday and be included in their closeness....

 

Hmmm. You are being included in their closeness now. You go out with them often, too often according to you. And he calls them while he is with you. You are right there in the middle of the closeness.

 

but this is too much dependence for an adult, imo. and in times when you do need support, i feel like your SO should be the first person you call, the first person you discuss life decisions with (especially when they'll be affected by those decisions), the first person you share exciting news with, and the first shoulder you cry on. then, your family, who will always be there, is there to catch you when your SO doesn't or can't. OR they are there as supplementary support and get included equally.

 

He doesn't see you as "family" yet. He sees you as gf, not family. Although he is including you in his dinners and whatnot with family, so it would appear that he is open to you becoming "family" since he brings you around them all the time.

 

Having said that, it may be too much dependence for you to handle. There is no way for you to change him. If any change occurs, HE has to choose that. Even his mother telling him to save up his stories for when he sees them won't change him. So it is up to you to decide whether you can deal with it or not, whether you can find a way to appreciate it or not.

 

Do you like his family? Are you open to being closer to them, emotionally I mean? Can you care for them and reach out to them yourself at some point and befriend them? It might be less painful if you feel like you are a part of this. Or not. Again, it is up to you to figure out what you can and can't live with.

 

Can you be the one to plan events for just the two of you without family, instead of showing up at things he has planned and that do include family? Would that work? Or would he invite his parents to your house, for example, for dinner, without telling you?

 

How long have you been dating?

[Taramere]

wrong thread

[Tailor2000]

Couple of things... How old are you both, and how long have you both been going out?

 

It may be that you are just on different pages in terms of speed and stage of relationship. Has he done or said anything to show you that he takes the relationship seriously? Perhaps the relationship is just "going through the motions"?

 

I've just read what Norajane wrote. It is a very difficult situation. You want the closeness with his family, but at the same time, you expect your "significant" other to be your family - he should be prioritising you and coming to you first. That's what a relationship is all about. A relationship isn't about meeting selfish emotional needs of companionship and love. It is about moving away from your parents and starting a new family.

 

Being included in your partners family dinner isn't the same as your partner treating you as their "new" family. You can be close to people without spending every waking moment with them as your bf seems to want to do with his parents. It doesnt mean parents should be excluded, but it's the whole immature attitude like "friends were there first". There are some people who are so scared that a relationship will kill friendships and parental bonds, that they cling to them and place a huge importance on them. Seems these people are too eager to cling to single life.

 

I also don't think it's about you, and what you can and cannot handle. It almost says that it's up to you to make adjustment. In reality, he is the one not giving the right signals, he is the one not showing he is ready for a relationship, he is the one who needs to adjust his behaviour and stop himself having his selfish needs fulfilled by his parents.

 

Im sure he will claim he isn't selfish, and he's there for everyone and reel off a list of things he does for everyone else but you.

 

I think his parents are aware of the issues and are trying to push him in the right direction.

 

Interestingly you don't mention him having siblings. Is he an only child?

 

My fiance was an only child and dumped me on Facebook (old story). She couldn't handle any conflict and exhibited selfish, self centered behaviours and was quite immature. She couldn't prise herself away from her parents, relied on them for money, food, cleaning and everything, and always went to others ahead of me to solve lifes problems.

 

If you're not engaged or anything, then give him time, tell him about your concerns, and see if he changes anything, give him six months, a year. Then take it from there.

[norajane]

I also don't think it's about you, and what you can and cannot handle. It almost says that it's up to you to make adjustment. In reality, he is the one not giving the right signals, he is the one not showing he is ready for a relationship, he is the one who needs to adjust his behaviour and stop himself having his selfish needs fulfilled by his parents.

 

The thing is, she can't change him. She can't make him adjust his behavior.

 

All she can do is decide if she can or can't handle his life/family view, and if she wants or doesn't want to stick around for it.

 

But expecting him to change to suit her...well, there are a lot of people who think they can change their partners, and they are all usually disappointed.

[Tailor2000]

I agree to a certain extent. We shouldn't be looking to change anybody. But that doesn't mean that people can't change. When given a certain amount of feedback, people can assimilate that knowledge and make changes.

 

I know I listen to what my friends and family say and try to think about things from someone elses perspective. If I think my behaviour is concerning, I will make an effort to change. Yes that is me making the change, but I've made a change in response to an external suggestion.

 

The flipside to the coin, is that she has every right to express her frustration, resentment, bitterness, expectations, whatever they are, and if he really does love her, then he will trust that maybe she has a point and attempt to adjust his behaviour, he will explain why he behaves the way he does and ask for understanding, they will both be adults and work at the relationship together to meet each others needs.

 

He doesn't have to do any of that of course, at which point the OP has to work out whether she wants a life time of backing down and putting up with this, working out whether she can "live with it", or whether to move on and find someone who is willing to cut the apron strings.

 

I think the OP should quote bible passages at him regarding how a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh. That's the way I always saw a relationship.

[blahdeeblah]

thank you all for the replies....

 

Tailor2000, i think your post sums up how i'm feeling best. it's not really about getting included and being close (or not) w/ his family so much. it's more about the fact that i feel like i'm second fiddle. otherwise i have no problem w/ them being a part of our lives and welcome it.

 

his mom has tried to kind of push him in a healthy direction, but i think in some ways she kind of enables his behavior. she puts up w/ idiosyncrasies that no wife or gf would or should put up w/ (unless she's a complete doormat) and does things for him....honestly....kind of coddles him a bit.

 

and we have to spend quite a bit of time w/ his family right now b/c we're living w/ them. i know. but he just graduated and is waiting to start his job in early 2012, and i'm between jobs. so here we are.

 

it has always been like this though and we've been together for 3 years. when we were living together in another town, we would come home every other weekend to visit his parents. his mom would do his laundry for him every time, cook dinners he wants, etc.....and now that we're living here, rent free, she says things to me like "i really hope he'll help me move the heavy furniture from the basement for donation" or some other impossibly impossible task for her and/or his dad (who has back problems and is unable to help w/ that kind of thing). and then she'll add, "i know this is his break and i hate to bother him, but i just really need his help". why would she even HOPE that he'll do it. she should KNOW he'll do it b/c she asked him to and he's living in her house rent free when he doesn't even technically need to and, on top of that, she does all kinds of things for him ALL THE TIME.

 

it's such a turn off, but also, it's just clear that the problem is being perpetuated. so...she does gently suggest that he cut the apron strings, but then turns around and takes the much too sharp scissors out of his delicate hands every time she tolerates his b.s. or does his laundry (HE'S A GROWN MAN WITH A PHD).

 

i have talked to him before about this and all he hears is me telling him he shouldn't be so close to his family and how dare i tell him that. sometimes, i'll gently suggest that we go to dinner alone or insist that he get off the phone while we're out. sometimes he listens and honors my wishes, but it's only ever temporary. you can't make someone want to call you first with exciting news or come to you first when everything is wrong. it seems that either you're first in someone's life...or you're not.

 

sorry...i'm just in a mood where i need to vent. if anyone has more ideas on how to handle this, they're gladly accepted.

[Tailor2000]

Hi blahdeeblah. I can totally relate.

 

Is your bf an only child then?

 

When living at home, he is still their little boy. There is going to be an inevitable closeness. That's understandable and there's nothing wrong with him helping his parents. Even if he lived elsewhere, it's good to help others out, friends, family etc.

 

The problem comes when he prioritises his parents against his significant others.

 

You don't want him to give up his parents, but you do want him to put you as a priority and feel like he actually values the relationship. If your situation is anything like mine was, you probably don't see him doing too much to maintain the relationship, you don't see him putting anything in, and you see that he goes to others first. You probably feel he's not that bothered about the relationship because he's not acting like a potential partner, you probably feel he just has a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend.

 

You do want him to put you as a priority, defend you instead of his parents, come to you with news and stories ahead of his parents.

 

My ex is an only child. Her parents I believe are also enablers, as much as they tell me they don't like her attitude, they enable it so much in providing everything for her. She is their little girl. In your story, he is their little boy. But he has to see what's going on and metaphorically tell his mom to get stuffed. Myself on the other hand, I actually fight against my parents for independence and my own identity. I know my future isn't with my parents. My ex didn't like me standing up for myself and defending myself against "molly coddling".

 

I think the only way you can handle this is to explain that you do love his parents and enjoy their company, but explain that if he is serious, then you have to be his priority, you should be his family, and you need to spend more time as your own family, a your own unit, making your decisions together. Revolve around each other instead of around others. But that's not to say you can't decide to spend time with parents - just that parents don't call the shots anymore - you do, because you're adults.

 

Then give him time and if he doesn't make any adjustment, well, you know what to do and you know you're both on different pages.