HesNotSure Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 So I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. We moved in together about 4 months ago. The last 4 months have been tough, I lost my job and had some financial problems. He on the other hand is successful and has a great career. He has been good to me with helping me financially. He is a great guy and I do love him, but first 3 months of living together we argued alot. I take the blame for most of it. Losing my job was tough and I was miserable and depressed. Looking back I realize he took the brunt of my misery and I was wrong. He says he loves me but he isn't sure if he wants to marry me because arguing and tension. I know its also because I haven't put my fair share into the bills and living expenses. I just got back to work and I'm working to catch up. You could say I'm a work in progress. So while we aren't breaking up I can't help but feel rejected that he doesn't know how he feels about marrying me some day. He does want to get married and have a family, but he isn't sure how he feels about it with me, yet. So my question is how long do we give this? It has been a year. Could it be that he will never feel I'm the "one"?
azsinglegal Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 So you want him to marry you now even tho you have no job and can't contribute financially the household? You are fighting and arguing with him and want him to commit to THAT kind of life? Really? Of course he's going to say not yet! Get a job, get yourself back up to where you were feeling when you first moved in together and give it time. A year is not that long...if you're still waiting in 5 years, I'd say move on.
Ajax Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Honestly and no offense intended, but it doesn't sound like you're in a position to get married now anyway. A year together isn't that long. And if much of that year you spent unemployed and are just now starting to get your feet on the ground, it's probably not a good idea to start planning a life changing transition like marriage right away. It looks like your boyfriend has already stuck with you through some difficult times. Give him some credit for that. Give him the chance to stick around in better times too before expecting him to marry you.
Author HesNotSure Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 I don't want to get married now, no. I'm not in a good financial position to do that. Its more he isn't sure I'm the one.
azsinglegal Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I don't want to get married now, no. I'm not in a good financial position to do that. Its more he isn't sure I'm the one. I know exactly where you are coming from. You're feeling insecure and scared to lose him so you want to trap him into marriage so he can't leave. Guess what? From experience, it will only drive him away. Focus on getting your life back together, becoming someone he WANTS to partner with not just because you've been together a year and now you feel desperately scared to lose him. Stand on your own two feet and make him see you are a good catch.
Author HesNotSure Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 No I don't want to "trap" anyone. I want him to marry me because he wants to and believes I'm the one for him.
azsinglegal Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 No I don't want to "trap" anyone. I want him to marry me because he wants to and believes I'm the one for him. And what are you doing to make him believe you're the one? Fighting? Not working? Arguing with him? I was giving you constructive, non-judgmental advice from someone who's made a lot of mistakes. Take it or leave it. My 2 cents.
norajane Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 So my question is how long do we give this? It has been a year. Is that the right question to be asking? Because wanting to marry is not just about time served. I feel like you should be asking, "how can we improve our relationship?" And you should be asking him that question. And should be open to listening to his answers and thoughts on the subject.
KathyM Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 So I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. We moved in together about 4 months ago. The last 4 months have been tough, I lost my job and had some financial problems. He on the other hand is successful and has a great career. He has been good to me with helping me financially. He is a great guy and I do love him, but first 3 months of living together we argued alot. I take the blame for most of it. Losing my job was tough and I was miserable and depressed. Looking back I realize he took the brunt of my misery and I was wrong. He says he loves me but he isn't sure if he wants to marry me because arguing and tension. I know its also because I haven't put my fair share into the bills and living expenses. I just got back to work and I'm working to catch up. You could say I'm a work in progress. So while we aren't breaking up I can't help but feel rejected that he doesn't know how he feels about marrying me some day. He does want to get married and have a family, but he isn't sure how he feels about it with me, yet. So my question is how long do we give this? It has been a year. Could it be that he will never feel I'm the "one"? You need to stop the arguing and drama and show him that being married to you would be a very pleasant experience. You'd be there to boost his spirit, take care of him, provide pleasant companionship to him, etc. Right now, he's seen the negative side of living with you, and it's not looking too good for the LT in his eyes. No one wants to plan a future with someone who is miserable and depressed. People who are positive people normally seek out others who are also positive and upbeat. If you can show him you can maintain your optimism and good spirit regardless of adversity, he'll probably see you as a strong, positive person who would be a good LT mate. Right now, you've been mostly showing him the negative, and that is why he is having doubts.
Ilovewater Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Well, you can't blame him for being unsure. In the one year you two have been together, you were unemployed for a huge chunk of it, and you picked fights and took your frustration out on him even though he helped you through your tough times. If you were in his shoes, would you think he'd be "the one" for you? It's perfectly understandable for him to have doubts. At this point, there are damages in your relationship that you two should work together on. Once you build a stronger and healthier relationship, he may feel differently and may actually see a future with you. You guys have only been together for a short time. Don't worry about marriage yet. You should work on yourself and work on strengthening your relationship first before expecting him wanting to marry you.
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 HesNotSure, a couple questions before I respond: How old are both of you? And what was the reason you moved in together? Was it because you needed to, because you lost your job?
Cypress25 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Because wanting to marry is not just about time served. +1. You don't marry someone just because you've been dating them for a long time. There are so many other factors to consider. Besides, it's only been a year. That's not a very long time at all. Marriage is a decision you're making for the rest of your life, you can't make that decision in just one year. You're basically asking him to predict the future. You expect him to know how he's going to feel in 2 or 3 years? Of course he can't do that, no one can do that.
Fondue Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I genuinely think you are not being honest with yourself. If you think you're marriage material, you are way off base. Not sure how you can expect him to want to be with you for the long term when you pick fights, create drama, and financially unstable. I would be wondering how this man is kind enough to still have a relationship with you, honestly. And I have to agree with the other poster, if the roles were reversed, all the ladies on the board here would be telling you to dump the loser immediately. And you know you would be thinking the same, too.
Professor X Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Stop with the reversed role thing, it's not quite the same because if the guy was here and telling us about his unemployed GF and all the drama she stirs, I'm sure that even the girls here would tell him to dump her. What we got here is the person who causes that problem asking for help, gender does not matter. @OP - Like has been said before, you are asking the wrong question, cause quite frankly, you aren't marriage material or even just a GF material to anyone (let alone the "one"). Ask yourself what can you do to become this "one" you want to be for him (which as a result becomes actions towards how to improve your RS). IMO, you are on the right track with getting a job again and paying off what you can. Just tone down the drama and try to relax. You wanna empty his doubts, not fill them.
Professor X Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Pale horse rider, you seriously need to get laid. We get the idea, some chick broke your heart, now you're bitter and woe is me all over the forum. Grow a pair. Alternatively, I can play you a song using the worlds smallest violin. What say you?
joystickd Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I guess I'm old fashioned but why "shack". Its what the old people where I'm from call it. That is one of the problems with dating you live like you are married and the man doesn't want to get married because living together in a LTR has an easier out than marriage. One woman I talked to I told her only way I will live with you is if I married you. When these relationships are over these people have just about the same baggage as a married couple. So now men and women have to deal with pseudo-divorced people that are now basically burnouts when it comes to relationships.
Metis Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Yes Ms. woman, you tell me to grow a pair....=P...that is like saying sun sets and rises....oh what? earth goes around sun and son is nut around earth?......wow.... Man, whatever you are smoking, it must be GOOOOD.
Professor X Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Here, I did you a favor, since you can't even compose a simple English sentence. http://psychcentral.com/therapy/ You'll thank me later.
joystickd Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Here, I did you a favor, since you can't even compose a simple English sentence. http://psychcentral.com/therapy/ You'll thank me later. I got a 29 on that quiz. I will admit therapy would be beneficial. I have a few issues I still need to work through
Professor X Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 If any, you're the mad one. I ain't the one flooding the forum with my bitterness cause some chick told me to get lost lol.
Metis Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 So my question is how long do we give this? It has been a year. Could it be that he will never feel I'm the "one"? Marriages by adverse possession (as in, where someone marries you simply because you've been together "long enough") are doomed to failure. Ask yourself: Why do you want to get married? What do you want out of marriage? What do you expect to happen with all the bickering that's been going on between you too? There is no magic to marriage. It does not make problems (such as problems that cause you to argue) evaporate. Your boyfriend is right to be reluctant to take this any further given how difficult and unpleasant things have been. If you are serious about wanting to marry this guy, concentrate on making yourself a suitable partner for him. You mentioned that he is successful; prioritize furthering your career and getting back on your feet financially. Figure out, at least for yourself, why you constantly argue with your boyfriend, and then work on resolving the problem. I understand you've been going through a difficult time, but while losing one's job and so forth may cut you some slack on occasional dark moods, it gives you no excuse to be an *******. Be a companion and a partner, someone that your boyfriend can lean on. That will make a proposal that much likelier.
Professor X Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I got a 29 on that quiz. I will admit therapy would be beneficial. I have a few issues I still need to work through Really? I wasn't expecting anyone to actually go through it
Pierre Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 So I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. We moved in together about 4 months ago. The last 4 months have been tough, I lost my job and had some financial problems. He on the other hand is successful and has a great career. He has been good to me with helping me financially. He is a great guy and I do love him, but first 3 months of living together we argued alot. I take the blame for most of it. Losing my job was tough and I was miserable and depressed. Looking back I realize he took the brunt of my misery and I was wrong. He says he loves me but he isn't sure if he wants to marry me because arguing and tension. I know its also because I haven't put my fair share into the bills and living expenses. I just got back to work and I'm working to catch up. You could say I'm a work in progress. So while we aren't breaking up I can't help but feel rejected that he doesn't know how he feels about marrying me some day. He does want to get married and have a family, but he isn't sure how he feels about it with me, yet. So my question is how long do we give this? It has been a year. Could it be that he will never feel I'm the "one"? Moving in together before a firm commitment is suicidal for traditional women that would like to be married one day. The odds are stacked against you. Furthermore, it seems you have picked a man that expects the wife to cough up 50% of the expenses. He may support your unemployment for a little while, but I suspect the tension has to do to with your unemplyment. He probably resents the fact that you are unemployed and that is the root of your problem. I suggest you move out and date a better quality man. I am talking about a man that is committed to you through thick and thin. In his eyes you are a suboptimal woman for being unemployed. Please get out as soon as possible; this man has no incentive to marry you because marrying you does not give him any additional benefits and I suspect he is a selfish dude.
Professor X Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 "cause some chick told me to get lost lol." Typical female who is cold blooded fish who "LOL's" at other people's..assumed suffering....you may test your assumptions at your earliest convenience.... Typical bitter virgin who blames the whole world for his failure. lol.
Professor X Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Yes..her not working and him paying for everything makes him selfish and low quality....wow...just wow... u mad? http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/f5b9c0a91c10522dc66eaeeca57cf33b/http://i926.photobucket.com/albums/ad105/BlackDragonDies2009/Snob-YOU-SEEM-ANGRY-WHY-U-MAD-BRAH-1.jpg?t=1292976382
Recommended Posts