Could it happen?

[spiral86]

Hello all, I've been looking for advice and stumbled across this site and decided to just start my own post. Any help and advice would really help..

 

Okay, so I'm 25 and male my ex is 25 and female. We were together for over 3 years. She ended it mid summer as she was unhappy for the last few months and has been the type of person that when they get that safety net to cling to, they'll flee. She has trouble confronting issues and would rather escape. She however has never left a bf for another guy until now. She always reconnects with an old friend(s) or something and moves in with that person or whatever so she can escape. Her safety net was this new family she has been hanging out with and this guy she was introduced to through them. She broke it off and hooked up with him. When she broke up with me she admitted to cheating on me 3 months into our relationship with her ex. She was still hung up on him when we met and she had been trying to move on from him when we hooked up. Well after she messed around with him (they didn't sleep together) she said it brought her closure and wanted to move forward with me. She didn't tell me out of fear of me leaving her, which I would have, no question. I've been in NC for 2 solid months, and I never initiated contact with her since the end of August, and before that it was July when I contacted her.

 

Ok, fast forward to last Saturday, things didn't work out with her rebound. She hasn't been with him for a little while now. And for the record she told me it wouldn't work out with him, i feel she was basically using him for a safety net and she was lusting for him. He was also rebounding and using her. Anyway, I met with her dad as he is my mechanic and we have a good relationship. He said she feels like I will never talk to her and it kills her. She is moaping around and is missing me a lot. He said he's talked to her about 5 times and he told me there is still something there. He feels she really made a mistake in leaving me. He said out of respect to her, he doesn't want to say everything she has said, and that it's not his place to truly butt in on everything, but he said someone needs to make a call if something is going to happen, and if someone does we could probably work it out.

 

So I called her...

 

I talked to her for about 5 minutes, I ended up asking her if she wants to see me to tonight (Saturday) and she started tearing up and said yes. So we met up, talked a little, went to a nice bar, had a couple drinks, I went back to her house and we just hung out. Didn't get into relationship stuff too much, just talked about other things and then I went home. We then hung out the next night, we went out for a drink and listened to a live band all while talking and this time we talked about relationship stuff. She said she was given bad advice about what to do about our relationship and then her safety came along and it caused her to make the wrong decision. She says that if it happened again she would of handled it a lot different. That she would of tried harder to bring these problems to me and things would of most likely been very different between us. That she misses me, cares about me and still loves me. She brought up that she now sees how she runs when she finds a way out and doesn't confront her emotions and problems and doesn't want to be like that anymore. That she's learned a lot from what happened with us. However she feels that she doesn't want to close the door on us, but she needs time to figure herself out more and not have someone basically save her. I told her that I can't just be friends and be strung along until there is some sort of decision. I told her I'm still to attached to her and if I found out she was meeting a guy for a drink or went on a date that it would ruin everything. She said she wishes we could just hang out and see what happens but understands how I feel.

 

We have plans to hang out tonight, but I've already asked her and she's agreed to hang out Friday. We are going to this awesome state park about 2 hours away, having lunch, we're having dinner at her parents (she lives with them) and then we are going to a movie that night. We're both looking forward to it.

 

I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. She has obviously learned about her habits and wants to correct them and feels she regrets what happend and feels things could of been different. But do I pursue? My gut, heart and mind all feel scrambled. I really need advice.

[spiral86]

For what it's worth, I spoke with her dad alone and he said after I came back around she has her "glow" back.

[confused kitty]

continue hanging out and take things slowly just go with the flow and see what happens ...

[Dorian85]

Hello all, I've been looking for advice and stumbled across this site and decided to just start my own post. Any help and advice would really help..

 

Okay, so I'm 25 and male my ex is 25 and female. We were together for over 3 years. She ended it mid summer as she was unhappy for the last few months and has been the type of person that when they get that safety net to cling to, they'll flee. She has trouble confronting issues and would rather escape. She however has never left a bf for another guy until now. She always reconnects with an old friend(s) or something and moves in with that person or whatever so she can escape. Her safety net was this new family she has been hanging out with and this guy she was introduced to through them. She broke it off and hooked up with him. When she broke up with me she admitted to cheating on me 3 months into our relationship with her ex. She was still hung up on him when we met and she had been trying to move on from him when we hooked up. Well after she messed around with him (they didn't sleep together) she said it brought her closure and wanted to move forward with me. She didn't tell me out of fear of me leaving her, which I would have, no question. I've been in NC for 2 solid months, and I never initiated contact with her since the end of August, and before that it was July when I contacted her.

 

Ok, fast forward to last Saturday, things didn't work out with her rebound. She hasn't been with him for a little while now. And for the record she told me it wouldn't work out with him, i feel she was basically using him for a safety net and she was lusting for him. He was also rebounding and using her. Anyway, I met with her dad as he is my mechanic and we have a good relationship. He said she feels like I will never talk to her and it kills her. She is moaping around and is missing me a lot. He said he's talked to her about 5 times and he told me there is still something there. He feels she really made a mistake in leaving me. He said out of respect to her, he doesn't want to say everything she has said, and that it's not his place to truly butt in on everything, but he said someone needs to make a call if something is going to happen, and if someone does we could probably work it out.

 

So I called her...

 

I talked to her for about 5 minutes, I ended up asking her if she wants to see me to tonight (Saturday) and she started tearing up and said yes. So we met up, talked a little, went to a nice bar, had a couple drinks, I went back to her house and we just hung out. Didn't get into relationship stuff too much, just talked about other things and then I went home. We then hung out the next night, we went out for a drink and listened to a live band all while talking and this time we talked about relationship stuff. She said she was given bad advice about what to do about our relationship and then her safety came along and it caused her to make the wrong decision. She says that if it happened again she would of handled it a lot different. That she would of tried harder to bring these problems to me and things would of most likely been very different between us. That she misses me, cares about me and still loves me. She brought up that she now sees how she runs when she finds a way out and doesn't confront her emotions and problems and doesn't want to be like that anymore. That she's learned a lot from what happened with us. However she feels that she doesn't want to close the door on us, but she needs time to figure herself out more and not have someone basically save her. I told her that I can't just be friends and be strung along until there is some sort of decision. I told her I'm still to attached to her and if I found out she was meeting a guy for a drink or went on a date that it would ruin everything. She said she wishes we could just hang out and see what happens but understands how I feel.

 

We have plans to hang out tonight, but I've already asked her and she's agreed to hang out Friday. We are going to this awesome state park about 2 hours away, having lunch, we're having dinner at her parents (she lives with them) and then we are going to a movie that night. We're both looking forward to it.

 

I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. She has obviously learned about her habits and wants to correct them and feels she regrets what happend and feels things could of been different. But do I pursue? My gut, heart and mind all feel scrambled. I really need advice.

 

 

Hey there

 

I would proceed with caution in this one. I dont mean overly paranoid about everything lol, I just mean take it slow and don't dive head first into all this.

 

From the sounds of it, she does seems remorseful about the situation. Which is good, because at least she realizes what she did was wrong. She is also taking the time to reflect on how things could have been different, which is also great as well because it shows you that if this were to EVER happen again, she would act differently....so she is maturing in that respect.

 

You have to forget about the origional relationship you two had. That one was obviously based on a few lies. Trust and loyalty were already broken, and NO relationship can survive if those two key elements are not solid.

So maybe this new relationship will be better. She has already admitted that she would handle things a lot different this time around. See where it goes, and if you can actually see measurable results in her behavior change, then maybe give it a second chance...BUT...if she is just blowing smoke your way and treating you like another one of her so called "safety nets", then cut her loose. NO ONE deserves to be treated like that.

 

Good luck, keep us all posted!

Edited November 3, 2011 by Dorian85

[spiral86]

Thanks. I don't think she is tryin to use me as a safety net, just by what she has said and the fact I called her, not the other way around. I'm just not sure about this whole thing. I'll take it slow, I guess I'll just keep our past in the past for right now. Just focus on the present and have a good time together and see if there is still a spark there. Then go from there.

[spiral86]

Any feedback would be great...

 

So we went on our little trip to the park, it's about 2 hours away. We hung out all day. Went to dinner that night and went to a movie afterwards. We both had a good time, there wasn't fireworks or anything however. We talked a little bit about us, and I kinda got the vibe she doesn't truly want me.. and I mean if she was actually looking for another person right now. I told her that I don't know if we'll be able to keep hangin out together because of the feeling I'm getting and tears started rolling down her face. I felt bad, but I just felt I needed to be open about it. Which may have been a mistake but it's done now.

 

I'm really just kinda torn on what to do. She invited me out for a drink with her and her cousin the next night but I declined. We ended up talking on the phone last night for about 25 minutes.. I kept it light, was making her laugh and things like that. I texted her earlier today and just said "hey, I hope your day is going well." she responded with a thanks, it is and I hope your day is going good too. i replied so far so good. she said good ...Left it at that. sigh..

Edited November 7, 2011 by spiral86

[spiral86]

So we went out for drinks on Tuesday and we both got pretty tipsy. We had a blast together actually, we were hanging on eachother, we were singing, even dancing and grinding afterwards, which for me at least was awesome. If you didn't know we broke up you would think we're a couple. I couldn't drive however, so she said to stay the night. So we layed in bed, I put my arm around her, she rested her cheek on my head and said she had a really great time with me. I told her the same and it was the most fun we had in a long long time. So nothing else happened, no kissing or sex. She got ready for work in the mornin and we walked out together, hugged, I told her to have a great day and I'll talk to her soon. So I texted her around 2:30 that day and asked how she was doing, we sent a couple text back and forth but I felt like she was a little busy. So I told her if she wanted to chat to give me a call that night and so, whatever, she didn't call. Which is fine, and no one has initiated contact today. I don't want to be the first to initiate contact, I don't want to press or make her feel like she's in total control (even though she might be).

 

I don't know.. we have plans made for Saturday, we are basically hanging out the majority of the day. In this situation how do I go about contact? we've texted or talked nearly every day since I broke NC, we actually only didn't communicate one day since I broke NC. Should I slow it down?

[smokey bear]

hey, you commented on my post,

 

Re read your posts....

 

You hung out a lot and then you felt her pull away. You's seem to have jumped straight back in, spending a lot of time together and over at each others house.

 

This needs to be a new relationship.

 

Would you do all this with a stranger you just met....no

 

So dont so it with her, too much too soon will kill it.

 

Go back to basicx, not too much txting

 

1 day a week, then two dates a week. Short dates, actual dates, going to the pictures, having dinner. calling it a night and going home to see your friends.

 

You need to build the attraction and antisipation back up for it to last.

 

Would you really take a new date to the pub and end up hanging off each other etc, no you would do things to get to know each other in short bursts.

 

Contact every day is good, but not all day.

 

Please go back to basics and treat it like a new relationship. once the conversation of commitment comes up and boyfriend girlfriend, then discuss what you want in a relationship etc. The commitment talk should come up within the first 6 weeks but in those 6 weeks it should be dating, not full on relationship mode.

 

So that she doesnt get scared off by you backing off, go to her and talk to her. Say i want to sweep you off your feet again. I want to start fresh and get to know you. I dont want you to get scared, im looking to move us forward but i want to do it correct. Slowly and like new. So im going to ask you on an official first date and take it from there xx

 

After that be as bloody romantic as possible and control the speed of the relationship but be reasuring as well. Someone has to be in the driving seat. Its better being you, and she does still sound emotional so please, listen to this too

 

 

TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCT...

 

She might not be ready, might be getting over the rebound

 

read some info on what your gut instinct is? its always correct and its not there for a reason its there because its actually a physical part of body that kicks in when our subconsious remembers warnings from past experiences.

 

Good luck id like to hear how you get on, but please slow down and trust your gut xx

[spiral86]

thank you smokey! well for right now, telling her I want to sweep her off her feet again and such isn't going to be a good move. She says she doesn't know what she wants right now and feels lost. I think if I brought up dating it would scare her right now, or were you saying in about 6 weeks i should do this? I do think she's still getting over the rebound.

 

So do you think I should initiate contact with her today or let it go until tomorrow? She is having a work dinner/gathering tonight, I could always ask her how it went later tonight. But I'm not sure. You say contact every day is good, but should I let her initate it too? what I mean is, if I contact her earlier in the day, she may have just not had the chance to text or call me yet. So If I contact her one day, maybe wait most of the day the followin day to contact her? Sorry I've never been in this situation, it's all I can think about.

 

Yeah backing off a bit is the right thing, I will. I haven't been overally aggressive or anything, so casually easing back won't cause too much notice. If she doesn't cancel, I'll hang out with her Saturday and after that try to keep it to getting together only once next week. It's hard acting like she's more of a stranger because I've known her so long. I don't need to get to know her, as I feel I know her better than she does herself in some ways.

[spiral86]

And I do want to say, she does initiate contact with me as well, it's not just a one way street.

[smokey bear]

sorry i think i misunderstood, your earlier posts said she wanted to get back together and you's were hanging out a lot.

 

If its a case of she doesnt know what she wants then you need to go back to nc, but state why,

 

You want a relationship and she doesnt so for now you have to cut contact and move on with your life.

 

google ex doesnt know what she wants, you will get hundreds of replies all saying the same thing. I suggest you listen to the majority of advice from people who have had this experience and follow it, like i said in my post i re appeared to early, im back to nc. For myself to heal so that if a chance of reconcilliation does happen ill be in a state of mind where i can control my actions for the best. Also nc so that he can figure out what he wants without me influencing his decision.

 

A great saying, if you do nothing, your doing nothing wrong.

[spiral86]

well she does want to hang out and see what happens and said she doesn't want to close the door on us... that she still cares about me and loves me. But she has become unsure of who she is. She felt she thought she knew but now feels lost and only feels comfortable with two people, her sister and me. She says she feels out of place with pretty much everyone else now.

 

NC may be the best thing.. I can't tell for sure what my gut is saying to me. I feel very mixed about things. I honestly can say that if things aren't there then they aren't there, this girl isn't holding my heart in her hands. But after talking with her dad I felt the need to see if what we had is reconcilable and it's been great seeing her again and I know she feels the same in that regard.

[smokey bear]

Also a couple of things that helped me

 

She wont buy the cow if she's getting the milk for free, She's getting all the benefits of a relationship without commitment.

 

Also you dont want to be put in the friends zone.

 

 

xx

 

If she wants to casual date and see where it goes, then ask her to be exclusive.

 

If she doesnt know what she wants, save yourself and walk away. try again if you feel you need to in a month or two of nc. By then though you might have had enough and be over it.

 

I think nc could be your best bet to heal yourself a little further so it doesnt cause you pain when something like happens xx

[smokey bear]

Its understandable she's unsure of who she is, but does that also mean she's unsure of what she wants in a relationship.

 

If you hang around she may decide that you are what she wants, but she may decide that its not.

 

Could you take the pain of investing more time and it didnt work out.

 

If your hairdresser was unsure how to cut hair would you let her? no you'd walk away until she learned 100 %

 

step outside the situation.

 

She's confused doesnt know what she's doing, and your confused dont know what to do.

 

Two confused people, would it not be better to step back, both of you think.

 

Two people aiming for the same goal is what you want xx

 

Do you want your ex to come back because you convinced her, or because she wants to, all by herself xx

 

I think you should give her space.

 

If your going to go down the route of spending time with her then this might help, its from somewhere else but might help

 

 

Regaining an ex is alot like feeding a wild bird...no, ol' majord hasn't lost his marbles completely, although a solid case could be made for such an argument. Bear with me.

 

I should prefix this analogy by stating that I have demolished 2 bottles of wine and will no doubt have corrected 100's of spelling mistakes before posting.

 

'Feeding the bird' is a combination of strategies…namely 'No Contact' followed by 'Gentle Enticement'.

 

Your ex is the bird.

The food (which you possess) is their security.

 

The first step is to ensure the bird is hungry, by starving it. This is where 'No Contact' comes into play.

Initially you will have lots of food and there is a tendency to over-feed the bird, ensuring that it won't come looking for you too often…if it is well fed, it doesn't have to make any effort to get the food (security) and so will only come looking for it when it absolutely has to. Most times, however, it doesn't have to make much of an effort because you are literally throwing pieces of bread EVERYWHERE!

 

Starve the bird, make it hungry….and it will come looking.

 

Once this is achieved, the next stage begins….

 

Your ex, just like a bird in the park, will be cautious when approaching you to *seek* food, because of the fear of being trapped (being trapped emotionally in the case of your ex).

The bird will do all it can to entice you to throw the food to it….rather than it come too close to you.

 

So, keep the food in your hand…..don't give any away and force the bird to edge closer and closer.

 

Any sudden movements and you'll scare it off

Pay it too much attention and it will be wary…

Drop any food and it will collect it from your feet….and disappear.

 

This is the hardest part….gaining the trust of the wild creature, so that it doesn't suspect for a minute that it is about to be caught.

 

Once it has completed the ever-so-slow process of progressing to eating from your hand, it will do so again and again….as it feels more comfortable doing so….having said that, it's preferred method of nutrition is *always* getting food without effort….and it *will* fly off if it's appetite is satiated by any loose crumbs.

 

If you can get the bird eating from your hand frequently and without fear... before it is aware it will be unable to gain satisfaction from any other source - It is domesticated if you like, it has forgotten how to get food other than from you and you then have the power to trap 'tweetie.'

 

Bottom line…the more you make your ex work to get security from you, the more they *will* work…and unless you go back to making it easier for them, you are on the road to gaining the upper hand, and hopefully getting them back.

[spiral86]

Thanks smokey, I really appreciate you helping me out. You're makin a lot of sense, so I'm going to go through the rest of this week, revaluate everything, and go from there.

[ChelseaLS]

I didn't read everyone else's advice, but if you don't give her the time to figure her self out and like she said.. let herself be saved instead.. then she will come back into the relationship with all the same issues and problems and you will face all this hurt all over again.

 

There needs to be some change and if that comes from giving her time, then you need to respect that. She has told you she cares and wants to try, just needs some time.

 

You both need time to heal from this break before being able to start fresh.

 

I did read what smokey said... and to me that makes sense.

[smokey bear]

Here, Here I agree,

 

* Problems need to be fixed, you both need to be entering it without ANY baggage

 

* You both need to be aiming for the same goal

 

xx

[spiral86]

She never said she wanted to try again. She's just open to it. But you guys are right, she needs way more time. I don't know what to say.. should I tell her I need to go away for awhile again, that I feel I came back too soon? I'm dreading doing that, and then seeing her on some online dating website in another month or two, or dating someone. That would really sting.