confused kitty Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Well its been 3 days NC and I know he is going to get in touch when hes ready - we broke up because he has alot of personal problems going on in his life right now and said he was confused and needid space.... We're best friends aswell and he says Im the only person he trusts fully and feels he can talk to me about his problems and whats goin on in his life.. So my question is, when he does eventually call/text should I break NC and answer him?? Ideally I want to get back together when the time is right but I also want to be there for him when he needs support, I love this guy so much I really do think hes The One! I know this is abit premature, but I just want to be prepared because knowing him and what hes like, hel contact me when I least expect it!! Thanks in advance for your advice
jordjones Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 The forum needs to know who broke up with whom?
smudge21 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Whatever his problems are, by you always being there for him it's not going to force him to change. He needed space so give him that space. You can't live your life through someone else. Just because he has problems and you love him does not mean he has the right to treat you with disrespect. He has to understand that although he's hurting, you're hurting too (otherwise you wouldn't be here). You need to think more about yourself and how you feel rather than him. He made his own choices for his own good and now is clearly just coming to you as and when he needs to. That's unfair. It's not helping him, and it's only hurting you. I know it's hard to turn away from someone, but he left you first. Forget his issues and his concerns... how do you feel about all this and what do you want?
Author confused kitty Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Thank you smudge21 I understand what hes going through and that his heads messed up amd confused because of it, but hes a really great guy and I deffenitly feel our relationship isnt over - infact I feel it only got started.. He says he still loves me and all the chemistry is still there and says some days he feels ready for a relationship again and others he doesnt.. Thats why he said its unfair to me and doesnt want me to feel hes stringing me along - I love him very much and Id take him back tomorrow if he was ready. I know we would have to take it slowly and be patient with eachother but I still feel we both have alot to offer one another
smudge21 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 You're living in hope - that's fine, I do that still. I just worry that whilst you're still always there for him, it's not pushing him into a corner where he has to take action to make things work between you. Remember, you can hang around, be there, cure his ills, make him feel special and tell him you'll wait for him... but what's he doing in the meantime? I really hope things can work out between you, but I do worry that you're building up more and more hope and whilst at the same time, things may be drifting more away and I'd hate to read of another lost soul on here - this place is busy enough already. I guess it all depends on how long you want this to carry on, living in limbo waiting for something to happen, instead of forcing the issue and making something happen. Just talk to him and be honest with how you feel about it instead of just his feelings.
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I think you need to give him the space and time he desires, even if so forceably. He has to recognize that it is all or nothing with you, you can't let him have his cake and eat too and then he can just easily walk away from you and not make an attempt at a new relationship.
Author confused kitty Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) well right now were not talking- Im giving him the space he wanted, I know he will contact me when hes ready so I think Im just going to wait until then and see what he has to say at that point. If he hes still confused or just wants to stay friends, then Il tell him that its all or nothing - if he wants me in his life then hes going to have to make a choice... Does that sound fair??? Would I be justified in saying that to him??? I dont want to come across too pushy or that Im putting pressure on him - I really dont want to ruin any chance of reconsiliation Edited November 3, 2011 by confused kitty
Dorian85 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 well right now were not talking- Im giving him the space he wanted, I know he will contact me when hes ready so I think Im just going to wait until then and see what he has to say at that point. If he hes still confused or just wants to stay friends, then Il tell him that its all or nothing - if he wants me in his life then hes going to have to make a choice... Does that sound fair??? Would I be justified in saying that to him??? I dont want to come across too pushy or that Im putting pressure on him - I really dont want to ruin any chance of reconsiliation I don't think you have to give him that ultimatum, being a guy myself..if i were faced with that ultimatum, it would put a lot of unwanted pressure on this already shaky situation. If he TRULY loves you, and you truly love him, then it will find a way. The best chance of any reconciliation is the realization on both of your parts that the door remains open on both of your sides, no matter how much time has passed. If you are able to become friends with him(in a way, isn't that where most sucessful relationships start anyways...as friends?) then he will begin to realzie his strong feelings for you again, and hopefully realize what he has been missing. if you tell him that is all or nothing, well that gives only one of 2 options for him. Either move on from you, or get back together when he isn't fully ready...which im sorry to say, will just put you both back in the same spot your in now. So in my opinion, some times you need to give these things the right amount of time. There is no exact science when it comes to "how long is too long". The longer it goes, the more nerve wracking it can be...I get that... but like I said, if you both truly do love each other, and its meant to be, then itll happen in time.
Author confused kitty Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Dorian85 Thank You So Much!!! I agree fully with you, in that I think the best chance of geting back together will start with us being friends first and taking things slowly - this is what I had in mind all along, but everyone on here seems to say NC until dumper is wanting to try again etc... But I dont think this applies to my situation, a like you said I think if i gave him an ultimatum hed freak out completley and hes already confused enough! lol We both agreed we'd always be friends regardless of the outcome... I know he still has feelings for me - he still has that spark in his eyes whenever he sees me, I think its just a matter of right person but bad timeing...
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Well from only dealing with girls, I know trying the friends angel does not work. Guys...might be different? It seems to me as we are more easy to deal with in some respects but I dunno I'd still do what I recommended. My logic with this is: Why should you settle for less, you would be selling yourself short? Why would he want to get back with you if he still has you around playing all nice and supportive, he won't miss you or feel the need to put forth an effort to get you back? How does it benefit you at all to stay friends with him based on a chance of getting back with him while you sit there and watch him very possibly slip away from you day by day?
ChelseaLS Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Well from only dealing with girls, I know trying the friends angel does not work. Guys...might be different? It seems to me as we are more easy to deal with in some respects but I dunno I'd still do what I recommended. My logic with this is: Why should you settle for less, you would be selling yourself short? Why would he want to get back with you if he still has you around playing all nice and supportive, he won't miss you or feel the need to put forth an effort to get you back? How does it benefit you at all to stay friends with him based on a chance of getting back with him while you sit there and watch him very possibly slip away from you day by day? I feel like being friends with my ex would be salt in my wounds every day and they would never heal. I told my ex, I don't want to be his friend lol, I want him as my partner and if I can't have that... then I am sorry but then I don't want him in my life. I know that sounds SO bad and harsh, but I'd never be able to heal myself.
Author confused kitty Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Im already working on moveing on and letting him go - day 3 NC and im feeling ok about it, sure I miss him terribly and I wonder how he is, if hes doing ok and if ive even crossed his mind (Im pretty sure I have) but Im respecting his wishes and thats whats keepin me focused with NC.. Even though Ideally I want him back as my bf- I really would rather him in my life as a friend than not have him in it at all...hence why Im trying to move on and heal incase we do only end up being friends.. Haveing said that I know if we start texting and hanging out again that something more will happen, as theres just waaay too much chemistry between us - hence why he said he couldnt make a clear decision because while we were in contact, he said he kept geting too "loved up"... This makes me ever so slightly hopeful that we wil be back together, when the timing is right
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Let's roleplay a bit. I am your ex and we are now friends, because you believe that is the best avenue of approach for this situation. "Oh hay there Kitty! I just went out on a date with this amazing girl and she is everything that I could possibly imagine, so how you doing?" Later on.... "Ohhh Kitty best news ever! I proposed to that amazing girl I was telling you about! I don't think I could ever live without her! Wanna come to the wedding?" Do you think you can handle that? I know if I was on the recieving end of that I'd puke my brains out from grief and sorrow.
Author confused kitty Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 3 days... Il say it again 3DAYS is all it took!!!!! After my bf breaking up with me 11days ago due to alot of personal stuff going on and him being confused and needing space to try sort his life out... Well long story short we talked on and off for a week or so and then I started NC saying id give him the space he said he needid... So 3days later and he just text me this evening asking could he call me - I left it afew hours to reply ( not wanting him to know ive been watching my phone all this time) so I text back saying "yea I guess". Straight away he calls me ( even I was suprised, seen as he had text me over 2hours ago) I wasnt cold or bitchy twords him but I didnt let on I was super excited to hear from him (even tho I was ) So he says: I know I said I needid space to clear my mind but I dont need anymore time - after 1 day NC with you, I realised how miserable my life would be if every day was like that, and I really cant see my life without you in it.... At this point Im still seriously down playing it all, telling him I was only following his wishes by giving him space and actually its been quite nice to have some time to myself to think and just worry about me for a change.... I didnt want to get into anything too heavy, I tryed asking how hes been and he replyed by saying "stop with the small talk theres plenty of time for that but right now we've more important things to talk about", (Im now a little worried) He went on to say, hes no longer confused - he defenitly wants me back!!! I tell him Im really happy hes come to a decision, but that its not that simply (now hes worried, asked if ive already moved on) I say no, but that I have to build trust back up, you hurt me and pushed me away once how do I know you wont do it again??? He lists off aload of reasons but says he understands... I said we should start off again as friends, you still have alot going on right now, and I dont want to get messed around again. To which he asks could he court me again like he did at the start - he wants to impress me and swoo me again ( lol god I friggin Love this guy ) Hes out of town all weekend.... But were going on our (second) 1st date Sunday evening After we hung up and said good night, he texts straight away saying "I won you once and I promise Il win you back again, only this time I'll be clever enough to hold onto you. Good night my angel sweet dreams, my heart is yours always xoxoxox" I feel like a little child on christmas morning!!!!! I hope this gives people some hope, and anybody still worried about NC- DO IT!!!! I was unsure at first, worried it would only push him further away etc but In my case it certainly seems to have worked - hang in there, trust me I know how tough it is...
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