When you just can't believe someone can do that do you :-(

[bonovox]

Yeah, this is my first post and to be honest I need to air somethings to people other than my family and friends.

 

I was in a relationship with a beautiful girl for 7 months, during that time I found out my brother was terminally ill. About 4 months in I found out my brother had two months to live. I asked my girlfriend if she would come to the funeral, well in advance, so not to put pressure on her when he finally did pass. Her reply ' I'll be where ever you need me to be.' These words meant so much to me and kept me strong for my family.

 

Our relationship was fine and passionate, although I will openly admit I was having problems with intercourse, because I just couldn't get into the moment with everything going on. I know she was dissappointed, but I hoped she'd understand and I thought she did.

 

2 weeks before my brothers funeral she told me she wasn't sure she could come, she said her great aunt was ill and she didn't know how that was going to pan out.

 

The day before the funeral I hadn't heard from her and even though she knew I needed her there, I sent her a message saying that she didn't have to come. I didn't want to force her or put too much pressure on her, I wanted her to make the right decision for herself.

 

The morning of the funeral I got a text message from her just saying she was 'thinking of me.' That ripped me up.

 

It turns out her great aunts funeral was the day after my brothers, is that an excuse?

 

I arranged to meet her the week after, and I had every intention of breaking up with her, but I wanted so deperatley to believe in her that I couldn't. I wanted to work through it, simply because I was weak and couldn't handle that someone who cared for me couldn't support me when I needed them most. Her actual reason for not coming to the funeral was it would look too 'commital.'

 

A month after we seemed to be back on track, and arranged a short break away. I used the money my brother had left me to pay my half - she knew this. She dumped me on the holiday. She told me she still wanted me, but her head wasn't in the right place for a relationship. After 7 months of being in one?

 

2 months passed and I hadn't spoken to her. My grandad got ill and sadly died. We had a funeral, and it all just came back again.

 

I contacted her to let her know what I thought of her actions, because I never had. I told her she wasn't someone to rely on. She disagreed. 'okay so I wasn't there in the way you needed me' is what she said. She said I should stop trying to put her down because it wouldn't work. Can someone really be that cold and heartless, or am I just being completey over the top.

 

Anyway we are not friends, and we have no way of contacted eachtother anymore. Am I right to have such a low opinion of her or am I being unfair? I ask this because her lack of remorse seems to have me questioning myself and we broke up 3 months ago.

[sleepykitten]

I personally dont think you are being over the top at all. I am really very sorry for your loss of your brother and grandad. How old are you guys, she sounds vey young and immature and i think in time when she looks back at this she will feel pretty bad. I know I would.

[bonovox]

Thank you. It was a very tough 3 months, losing 3 very important things in my life. I'm 24 and she's 21. I guess I'll put it down to experience, and won't let it happen again. In some ways it's better to know people are like that during the worst time of you life.

[69ways]

Actually none of us here believed our loved one could treat us like they did.

I believe their true colours come out at some point and we dont like what we see

[Sugarkane]

Wow and I thought my ex was low. I'm sorry that this happened to you, it must be very difficult. I also believe that their true colours come out. You deserve so much better than this.

[bonovox]

I've just got home from work and read everyones comments. I've never done anything like this before, and truthfully I can see why people do it. You can always count on your family and friends to say the right things, but i'm finding outside opinions are what will help me move on. Thank you so much

[ChelseaLS]

I've just got home from work and read everyones comments. I've never done anything like this before, and truthfully I can see why people do it. You can always count on your family and friends to say the right things, but i'm finding outside opinions are what will help me move on. Thank you so much

 

 

I believe you have every right to feel the way you do. Her comments through texts are cold and heartless. You will find WAY better.

 

Sorry for your losses.

[bonovox]

Thank you. I do find myself still thinking about her alot. I havn't really had very many relationships, and certainly having a girlfriend through a difficult time in my life was a new experience. It must also have been a new experience for her also. When things were good, she was fine. As soon as I needed support and comfort she was distant. Is there anything to be said in her defence? Is she even worth being friends with? Or is it important for her to learn in the toughest way that she can't treat people like that? I think I found myself telling her what she did was so wrong because I still care. I want her to learn, and I hope she will change, even if it isn't for me :-(

[TrueColors]

Thank you. I do find myself still thinking about her alot. I havn't really had very many relationships, and certainly having a girlfriend through a difficult time in my life was a new experience. It must also have been a new experience for her also. When things were good, she was fine. As soon as I needed support and comfort she was distant. Is there anything to be said in her defence? Is she even worth being friends with? Or is it important for her to learn in the toughest way that she can't treat people like that? I think I found myself telling her what she did was so wrong because I still care. I want her to learn, and I hope she will change, even if it isn't for me :-(

 

Bonovox, welcome to the boards. And sorry to hear about your losses.

 

Your story reminds me of what my sister went through with her ex when our dad died. She had to fly out of state to be with us and he didn't seem to be that sensitive to what she was going through.

 

However, I will ask, how did you tell your ex about your feelings? Because if you started attacking her about how she acted then no wonder she got defensive. I think she probably did feel hurt and guilty to some extent, but didn't know how to deal with it sensitively.

 

Of course you had every right to tell her how you felt, but how one says things counts most for the type of response one receives.

 

I do agree, though, that she handled it badly herself. If she found herself feeling uncomfortable about attending, then it was up to her to say that.

 

Although it's tempting to tell people to change their behaviour (my sister is a big fan of this tactic!), I'm a great believer that one should learn from their own mistakes. Sometimes it's more powerful when one comes to their own realizations.

Like Glinda says to Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, "if we had told you, you wouldn't have learnt. You had to find out for yourself".

[bonovox]

Obviously I told her I was upset and dissappointed when it happened. We were still together a month after. I was also angry, but I let this part go at the time. I didn't want to think that she could be like that. I also didn't want to lose her by frightening her off. I fear however, that was when the real damage was done. How was it ever going to work after that? My family felt dis-content towards her, but didn't show it. However, it must have played on her mind that she couldn't change or fix that.

 

I just felt it showed a lack of respect to me and my family. She was invited into the home many times and met my brother on numerous occassions....But, still I chose to ignore it. I'm not blameless.

 

It was only after my grandad died did the feelings all come flooding back and I decided to contact her. I didn't tell her in an angry way. It was more with a saddness that I told her. I was obviously also, I will admit, bitter because our relationship had ended and I felt alone. We delteted eachothers numbers and she blocked me on fb. She showed no remorse in her responses, or maybe she has guilt and thats why she can't face up to my words?

 

I wonder if I am spending too much time runnning this through my mind, when really I should just be moving on and forgetting about her?

[TrueColors]

Obviously I told her I was upset and dissappointed when it happened. We were still together a month after. I was also angry, but I let this part go at the time. I didn't want to think that she could be like that. I also didn't want to lose her by frightening her off. I fear however, that was when the real damage was done. How was it ever going to work after that? My family felt dis-content towards her, but didn't show it. However, it must have played on her mind that she couldn't change or fix that.

 

I just felt it showed a lack of respect to me and my family. She was invited into the home many times and met my brother on numerous occassions....But, still I chose to ignore it. I'm not blameless.

 

It was only after my grandad died did the feelings all come flooding back and I decided to contact her. I didn't tell her in an angry way. It was more with a saddness that I told her. I was obviously also, I will admit, bitter because our relationship had ended and I felt alone. We delteted eachothers numbers and she blocked me on fb. She showed no remorse in her responses, or maybe she has guilt and thats why she can't face up to my words?

 

I wonder if I am spending too much time runnning this through my mind, when really I should just be moving on and forgetting about her?

 

 

It's been a rough ride for you, having to deal with not only the loss of family members, but with the loss of a relationship.

 

I was in that position when my dad died. Except it was the other way around: we'd already broken up.

 

Yes, it's possible that her way of dealing with things is to stonewall you. To remove herself from the scene, as it were. So those are HER issues. Try not to take it personally.

 

Back to you now. I won't say to just forget about it. It will take time to move on. But you have other feelings to sort through as well. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. And be thankful that she showed you that she is not ready to handle life's situations in a mature way. (I would refrain from saying her "true colors" as we have no idea what her issues are. I also don't believe that behaviours are an accurate reflection of who we are inside).

[bonovox]

True Colurs, Thank you very much for your responses. They are extremley enlightening to me. I'm only 24, and I guess for me it would be so easy just to hate. Your words are measured and fair and very comforting to me. Thank you :-)