staticline Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Hi guys I'm seeking advice from all of you, I have used these forums before and received some brilliant insights so thank you! I have been with my boyfriend for two years, we are 23 and 25. We usually see each other around 3-4 times a week, but it does vary as sometimes we're busy people. I last saw him 10 days ago when we made plans for the upcoming weekend. He went out with the boys that Friday for a work leaving do, and called the next day to say he had a bit of a hangover (but mostly had developed flu =P) so couldn't make our plans that night. He said he'd left early the previous night and was in bed by 11.30 due to feeling ill, however my brother had seen him drinking in town a little later than this and commented he didn't really look unwell - more like he was in it for the long haul. He bedded up for several days and stayed in touch by phone but refused my offers to visit while he was ill. He said he was feeling better 2 days ago but needed more rest and today returned to work, so since he is on long shifts I won't see him for another few days at least. I realise this just comes down to practicalities, but I'd anticipated he'd make an effort to see me before he started shifts. It is quite unusual for us to spend so much time apart, even when unwell. My boyfriend has lied to me often in the past about nights out (covering them up and claiming an early night or similar). He had no reason to do this as I have never had a problem with him having nights out (explicit or implied!) and only ever encouraged them - I have plenty of my own - but I guess he has pretty antiquated notions of women. Since these lies were so needless, though, I was left wondering if perhaps he'd lied because he was up to no good - I got over this for the mostpart but I am admittedly left a little insecure with him at times like this. My boyfriend tends to deal with problems with avoidance, and in the past him distancing himself has been a sign he's been dishonest or there was some other issue. It's starting to concern me I've not seen him in a while and he hasn't acknowledged his lengthy absence. Am I worrying myself about nothing and letting my insecurities get the better of me? Should I take notice of this or write it off as a bad case of man-flu?
bittersweet memories Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) Hi guys I'm seeking advice from all of you, I have used these forums before and received some brilliant insights so thank you! I have been with my boyfriend for two years, we are 23 and 25. We usually see each other around 3-4 times a week, but it does vary as sometimes we're busy people. I last saw him 10 days ago when we made plans for the upcoming weekend. He went out with the boys that Friday for a work leaving do, and called the next day to say he had a bit of a hangover (but mostly had developed flu =P) so couldn't make our plans that night. He said he'd left early the previous night and was in bed by 11.30 due to feeling ill, however my brother had seen him drinking in town a little later than this and commented he didn't really look unwell - more like he was in it for the long haul. He bedded up for several days and stayed in touch by phone but refused my offers to visit while he was ill. He said he was feeling better 2 days ago but needed more rest and today returned to work, so since he is on long shifts I won't see him for another few days at least. I realise this just comes down to practicalities, but I'd anticipated he'd make an effort to see me before he started shifts. It is quite unusual for us to spend so much time apart, even when unwell. My boyfriend has lied to me often in the past about nights out (covering them up and claiming an early night or similar). He had no reason to do this as I have never had a problem with him having nights out (explicit or implied!) and only ever encouraged them - I have plenty of my own - but I guess he has pretty antiquated notions of women. Since these lies were so needless, though, I was left wondering if perhaps he'd lied because he was up to no good - I got over this for the mostpart but I am admittedly left a little insecure with him at times like this. My boyfriend tends to deal with problems with avoidance, and in the past him distancing himself has been a sign he's been dishonest or there was some other issue. It's starting to concern me I've not seen him in a while and he hasn't acknowledged his lengthy absence. Am I worrying myself about nothing and letting my insecurities get the better of me? Should I take notice of this or write it off as a bad case of man-flu? I would be worried. He has a history of keeping things from you. Why did he refuse to see you, when he had the flu? Did you ask him? Edited November 3, 2011 by bittersweet memories
Author staticline Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Hi bittersweet, I did ask him why not and he said he'd not like me to see him while he's icky - which I can appreciate, but we've always seen each other through illness before, much messier ones at that. :s He does have a history of keeping things from me - this became a real issue about 6 months ago, when we attended a social event together and one of his mate's girlfriends basically dropped him in it talking about the nights in question to the group - everybody knew but me. Worse, everyone else's girlfriends had been INVITED, they were asking why I'd not been out with them before. I was very humiliated and talked to him about it afterwards, told him that I'm fine with him doing anything he wants, I trust him and want him to be happy, but that it would hurt me and damage our trust if he keeps things from me - that perhaps it even makes things look worse than they are. He told me that he'd only been guilty of "taking the easy route", but that he realised the cost of this to me so he'd try to be more upfront in future. I'm just hoping this isn't more dishonesty rearing it's head. I'm also wondering if I should talk to him about this, and if so - how. It was quite an unsettling time for us, and I'm worried that talking to him about this night out and time apart will only inferr an uneasiness about his nights out full stop, which might even make him more likely to cover-up. Bah..
Emilia Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I don't know whether he hooked up with someone else or not but he doesn't sound like boyfriend material regardless. He doesn't care how concerned you get over him or the future of your relationship. I don't think he is invested in it
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Like Emilia, I wouldn't jump to a conclusion that he cheated, but he definitely sounds like he's not invested in the relationship and definitely not "all in." What does your gut tell you?
Negative Nancy Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 this guy is bad news. his behavior is disrespectful at best and shady and suspicious at worst...distant after a night-out? i have a feeling this isn't gonna end well...
thatone Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 there's no reason to lie about such menial things, unless you have something to hide...
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