Rainingonme Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) Hey, Long story short, I was blindside dumped (G.I.G.S.?) by my gf of 4 years. I´m relatively wealthy and I´m doing well in life generally. She moved to a smaller rental apartment and has much smaller income. Her worklife is not going well from what i´ve heard. The dumping really hurt me though, so I ended up pleading and chasing her etc. Yesterday she told me she has no more feelings towards me. Full story : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t301379/ The question is that she is very resentful towards me and angry at me. She keeps claiming that I want to hurt her and enjoy that she is struggling to make ends meet. Also she makes spiteful remarks about the women I´ve met and am going out with after the breakup ("You´ve been seen with €#%&!") and such. Even yesterday when she said her feelings towards me are gone she brought up some old status updates from facebook "You are travelling with €!"#€% and I am struggling"... I mean, she is the one who dumped me and hurt me really bad. I´ve tried to remain calm (few outbursts of anger on my part), but generally I´ve been positive towards her and just plain sad. She knew what she was leaving from... why the resentment and anger??? I helped her financially to move on, but ofcourse there are limits to everything. Objectively looking at it, I´ve done more to her than 99% of guys in my position would have done. I just dont get it. Edited November 2, 2011 by Rainingonme
superchiefs Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Hey, Long story short, I was blindside dumped (G.I.G.S.?) by my gf of 4 years. I´m relatively wealthy and I´m doing well in life generally. She moved to a smaller rental apartment and has much smaller income. Her worklife is not going well from what i´ve heard. The dumping really hurt me though, so I ended up pleading and chasing her etc. Yesterday she told me she has no more feelings towards me. Full story : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t301379/ The question is that she is very resentful towards me and angry at me. She keeps claiming that I want to hurt her and enjoy that she is struggling to make ends meet. Also she makes spiteful remarks about the women I´ve met and am going out with after the breakup ("You´ve been seen with €#%&!") and such. Even yesterday when she said her feelings towards me are gone she brought up some old status updates from facebook "You are travelling with €!"#€% and I am struggling"... I mean, she is the one who dumped me and hurt me really bad. I´ve tried to remain calm (few outbursts of anger on my part), but generally I´ve been positive towards her and just plain sad. She knew what she was leaving from... why the resentment and anger??? I helped her financially to move on, but ofcourse there are limits to everything. Objectively looking at it, I´ve done more to her than 99% of guys in my position would have done. I just dont get it. Wow, this sounds very similar to the 5.5 year relationship that I was in. The girl dumped me 6 months ago. I met a new girl about 4 months ago and things have been going great. However, the old girl is now emailing me, attacking me, saying how she knows I have been doing all sorts of things with the new girl that she wishes I would have done with her and she is pissed. I wish I had the answer to what you are trying to figure out.
Author Rainingonme Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 It´s crazy. I feel this anger is totally unjustified... and there is nothing I can do to make her think otherwise. Especially the claims that I want to hurt her and enjoy her torment... those have been around pretty much since the start of the relationship. First I thought she tried to justify the dump to herself, but the same things keep coming up still 3months post BU. Well... communication is over now. I just cant take it anymore... and there is no reason for it either, thanks to her final comments yesterday.
norajane Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 She was probably angry and resentful of you toward the end of your relationship already, even if unjustifiably so. Now, she's moved on to bitter. Time for you to let go and move on.
Author Rainingonme Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 It´s possible norajane, but damn women can be good actors. Before I left for my trip it was all kisses and "love yous" No.. this behaviour started after she dumped me and seems to be getting worse. About letting go and moving on you are 110% right. Exactly what I am doing. I am now analyzing this from a standpoint of curiosity
superchiefs Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 She was probably angry and resentful of you toward the end of your relationship already, even if unjustifiably so. Now, she's moved on to bitter. Time for you to let go and move on. So norajane, how do you deal with a bitter woman? I have just continued to shower my ex with kindness when she comes around, telling her I am sorry that I couldnt make her happy and that I hope that things get better for her.
norajane Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 So norajane, how do you deal with a bitter woman? I have just continued to shower my ex with kindness when she comes around, telling her I am sorry that I couldnt make her happy and that I hope that things get better for her. Why are you bothering to deal with her? All your apologies are doing is reinforcing in her mind that she is justified in her thinking that you suck really bad. Stop opening the door when she comes around, stop communicating with her at all.
norajane Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 It´s possible norajane, but damn women can be good actors. Before I left for my trip it was all kisses and "love yous" No.. this behaviour started after she dumped me and seems to be getting worse. If you're certain of that, then she's probably not as happy as thought she'd be without you. Things didn't turn out as she thought they would. And YOU make an easy target for her bitterness...because you are THERE. I honestly don't know why guys who get dumped by what you believe are "GIGS" break-ups continue to HANG AROUND for more abuse from these women. You are just put yourself out there to receive more unhappiness from these women as they lose more and more respect for you. I'm glad you're done with her.
AlisaMarie Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 She seems to have remorse for what she has done. She hurt you but she is flipping the situation to make it seem like you are the bad guy. You are moving on and maybe she has regrets for letting you go? It is really not your problem anymore if she is struggling. You gave her your all and she chose to leave you. What you did wasn't good enough when you were together... so it shouldn't be your problem when you're apart. I would avoid contact and keep spending your money and taking trips with ladies that appriciate it!
M2155 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I would avoid contact period. Maybe she is just jealous. No one wants to see another woman enjoying what they used to have (even though they gave it away). Like that toy the kid didn't notice until someone else started playing with it. Did they start this behavior before or after you started seeing a new woman? Sounds like both stories the woman is just being a hater. I don't know what your ex expects you to do Rain- like stop enjoying the money you've earned? . She's just trying to make you feel guilty. If you have to talk to her again you can always say sorry I shoud have never moved you in with me or treated you so nicely over the years so you wouldn't feel this upset about it after dumping me. Best of luck in your new relationship!
Author Rainingonme Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 These weird comments about me hating her and enjoying her "torment" have pretty much been around since the start of the breakup before I ever met anyone else. I think she just feels bad inside about everything in her life. I was always pretty much the only person who has ever been there for her support so.. I guess it´s natural to dump everything on me. Its over though. In her own words "With all respect. The door is closed for good, I dont think I have any more feelings for you" So I really have no reason to be in contact with her. This "dumper being mad at the dumpee for no reason" is just a very confusing thing that I would like to avoid in the future...
Space Ritual Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 The reason for the animosity on her part could be any number of things. Guilt from the breakup perhaps. I did read your other thread and I think you have already been told this, but most likely the whole "attention from other men" and the "baby talk" met at some point and most likely she cheated on you while she was away. that old thinking she would be an old maid if you got her pregnant so she wanted to get that attention and some boning in. The hasty breakup on her part and the demonizing of you is justification in her mind for her acts. I imagine that part of the hasty breakup was her guilt and it is not a stretch that part of her lashing out at you even after breakup is because she does not want to look at herself in the mirror. I could be way off base, but I am pretty sure her messages to you about enjoying her torment is projection that she knows she ****ed up and rather than be honest with you about her real reasons its easier to make you the bad guy. In a little while she will rewrite your entire relationship history...just watch. You know obviously that "Limited Contact" is going nowhere. You are actually doing yourself an injustice by having any contact with her. You will only begin to heal once you make her as insignificant as possible.
wilsonx Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 The hasty breakup on her part and the demonizing of you is justification in her mind for her acts. I imagine that part of the hasty breakup was her guilt and it is not a stretch that part of her lashing out at you even after breakup is because she does not want to look at herself in the mirror. I could be way off base, but I am pretty sure her messages to you about enjoying her torment is projection that she knows she ****ed up and rather than be honest with you about her real reasons its easier to make you the bad guy. In a little while she will rewrite your entire relationship history...just watch. What i quoted is a 100% true. Its selfish and its why these types of people can never truly let go and why years down the road, you get the random email or phone call or stop by your house from them well after you have already moved on. What I bolded is what is called transference. In her mind, she feels guilty and is looking to throw the blame at you. I got this 4 months of NC out of no where and then 2 more times. I goobered and broke NC because of it. She is going to rewrite your entire relationship history. Its going to happen. Thats why one of the most important things we preach is to keep NC. It will go away. As long as you continue to ignore her and move on, she will live with that guilt and it will resurface over and over again when she feels guilty about something else.
melenkurion Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 It's happening as an attempt to deal with cognitive dissonance. To feel better about dumping a good person (because "who would do that, right?"), she is attempting to rationalise it. The only thing that can "give" is her perception of you, so she is devaluing you in order to feel better about dumping you.
nature Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Raining, it really sounds like she built up hurt in your relationship because you wouldn't do alot with her that she wanted to do, or introduce and include her with your family. And now she sees you doing this all with the new girl in such a short time frame. Why are you doing all the things with the new girl that your ex had wanted you to do with her, but didnt? Why are you doing them all with the new girl but not with the ex? Can you explain this?
Author Rainingonme Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 Nature I think you have now misunderstood something... my ex was part of my life in every way. I introduced her to my little son and they were great together (She asked me photos of him yesterday still... weird). I travelled the world with her, beaches, skiing, everything. The new girl is not really even my "girlfriend" ... As an update to my ex´s weird behavior; In the same conversation when she asked for the pictures of my son, she told me she has no hard feelings towards me and claimed that she still respects me and has only told good things to people about me (Which I know to be true from my friends & their girlfriends). I promised myself NC and I never break promises. It will be difficult, but to anyone reading these posts: It is the only way to heal. Listen to what the old members say. This will be most likely my last post to this thread as I have closure (she has no feelings) and hopefully there is no real animosity between us (Important to me). Respect and love yourself first and foremost!
Rorschach64 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 My situation is very similar to yours rain, the whole tranference of guilt and what not. I agree breaking NC for any reason for you or me is totally not the right way of doing things. Wilsonx said it pretty well, if you aren't around for her to transfer the guilt she will have to live with it and probably might come back down the road looking for forgiveness or some way to dump her guilt on the corner.
immitable Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 As an update to my ex´s weird behavior; In the same conversation when she asked for the pictures of my son, she told me she has no hard feelings towards me and claimed that she still respects me and has only told good things to people about me (Which I know to be true from my friends & their girlfriends). This will be most likely my last post to this thread as I have closure (she has no feelings) and hopefully there is no real animosity between us (Important to me). How do you know she has no feelings towards you? I am guessing she wants back but is coward to admit, she realised what she's lost.
Author Rainingonme Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 Well, she told me so herself. Ofc there can be something still bubbling under, but I wouldnt count on it. Better to move on. .. and to NC.
Recommended Posts