flitzanu Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 just curious to add quick reference opinions here... when you hear: "it's not you, it's me" "i need to sort out my life" "i need time to clear my head" "i just want to be alone right now" "i just need a break to work out my problems" "my life is so stressed i just have to break up with you" etc... followed with: "i still love you" "i still miss you" "i just don't want a relationship right now" "i want us to keep talking and be friends" etc... what would your seasoned input or advice be? just curious.
wilsonx Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 another person.... why? 1) guilt 2) they also dont want to hurt you causing you to cut that string!
Author flitzanu Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 another person.... why? 1) guilt 2) they also dont want to hurt you causing you to cut that string! oh and also, just to be clear, i find it a good exercise to reiterate how awful these excuses truly are that we hear, and how to be better prepared when you realize the excuse is a total lie.
mike588 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 They have found someone else,,, just heard those things.
ChelseaLS Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 oh and also, just to be clear, i find it a good exercise to reiterate how awful these excuses truly are that we hear, and how to be better prepared when you realize the excuse is a total lie. I would read that as confusion, and needing space and letting you down gently... which may sound silly, but may be the only way they know how. I am not excusing their actions, but thats how I would read it.
mike588 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 another person.... why? 1) guilt 2) they also dont want to hurt you causing you to cut that string! Wilson,, They don't want to hurt you causing you to cut that string? Wouldn't it be easier that way,,,, you broke up with them, no guilt on their part, it's their fault.
wilsonx Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) How is it their fault they caught feelings for someone else? The test of character is your actions after the fact. There is no right or wrong except with cheating and lying. I've done it before in a relationship! Actually twice. It happens. Its human nature. Edited November 2, 2011 by wilsonx
mike588 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 How is it their fault they caught feelings for someone else? I've done it before in a relationship! Actually twice. It happens. Its human nature. I understand that it's not their fault they caught feelings for someone else but wouldn't it make the dumpers job of dumping you easier because now you broke up with them and they wouldn't have that feeling of dread or the possible guilt that gos with dumping someone. I would almost think they would look at that as a blessing,,,,whew,, glad I didn't have to do that,, he /she made that so easy for me.
wilsonx Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) You know your ex left you for her ex... you know it! Does it make it any easier? Honestly would it make it any easier if they told you point blank? Answer this honestly with some reflection In my case, I knew my ex had feelings for that other guy, for me to drag it on for another 2 months was almost selfish on my part. Thats the part that hurts is she wasn't honest with me at the same time, I wasn't honest with myself.. I went to end the relationship about a month and a half before it actually ended and she gaslit me like a champ saying "I love you" blah blah blah... now this was her fault and still mine because I wasnt honest with myself. See 2 people 50/50 Edited November 2, 2011 by wilsonx
mike588 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You know your ex left you for her ex... you know it! Does it make it any easier? Honestly would it make it any easier if they told you point blank? Answer this honestly with some reflection I'm reflecting ,, will get back soon.
PelicanPete Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 90% of the time they've found someone else. There are cases when they are telling the truth however. It depends completely on the individual. How is it their fault they caught feelings for someone else? The test of character is your actions after the fact. There is no right or wrong except with cheating and lying. I've done it before in a relationship! Actually twice. It happens. Its human nature. My opinion, everyone is responsible for their own actions and emotions. You never unintentionally fall for someone. It isn't like catching a cold. It's a series of deliberate actions and choices that lead you to that point. If there's little investment as it is in the current relationship that's different; but if you're in a long term relationship with someone you already have a strong emotional bond and feelings for, it's pretty hard to find someone better unless you're consciously searching.
betterdeal Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I've said those things, or variations thereof. I need space to sort my head out. There was no-one else involved. After some time, I realised lots of mistakes I had made (and improvements I could make, with help) and also things about the woman in question that had annoyed me but that I had either not confronted consciously; didn't know how much they annoyed me; or didn't know how to confront with her in any way that wasn't either wining or shouting, and had chosen to bottle it up instead. So yes, sometimes it means exactly what is said.
radiodarcy Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 i agree with the other posters who have stated there's most likely someone else. another one i would add to that list is "i've been busy/have too many commitments to be in a relationship" chances are if they weren't too busy to hang with you before but they are now, they're most likely "busy" hanging out with someone else. at any rate, i tend to go NC when i hear stuff along those lines...
Bobby289 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I've said those things, or variations thereof. I need space to sort my head out. There was no-one else involved. After some time, I realised lots of mistakes I had made (and improvements I could make, with help) and also things about the woman in question that had annoyed me but that I had either not confronted consciously; didn't know how much they annoyed me; or didn't know how to confront with her in any way that wasn't either wining or shouting, and had chosen to bottle it up instead. So yes, sometimes it means exactly what is said. Agreed, in some cases people just need space and time. It would be easier to move on if you knew that there was someone else so I think we tend to paint that picture for ourselves.
EgoJoe Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 What those lines always mean: I'm clueless. I have feelings that I don't know what to do about/with. I do not want to be in a relationship with you right now or I want to take a step back because I have other things going on. It comes from emotional immature people. We've all been there to some degree or another. What they could mean: Listen to the other posters. What they don't mean: They don't mean anything with factual corroboration. Suffice it to say that that most people are absolutely clueless about the "power struggle" stage that is inevitable in all relationships. Trying to share power 50/50 will result in an immature person takng up too much if you're being super congenial and therefore might result in loss of attraction and other things that could result in a splt. What it means for a Dumpee: A period of growth followed by vindication if you handle yourself with dignity and grace.
wilsonx Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Agreed, in some cases people just need space and time. It would be easier to move on if you knew that there was someone else so I think we tend to paint that picture for ourselves. Actually for someone with strong personal boundaries it wouldn't. They would accept the relationship as over at the point that it is over and start proceeding to move forward. They learned what its like to be a door mat, dont want to be a door mat in the future, no reconciliations and move forward
Bobby289 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Actually for someone with strong personal boundaries it wouldn't. They would accept the relationship as over at the point that it is over and start proceeding to move forward. They learned what its like to be a door mat, dont want to be a door mat in the future, no reconciliations and move forward Yeah true. It depends on the situation, parties, and other variables. Everyone on here thinks differently based on their experiences.
betterdeal Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 When faced with this sort of cooling off, learning how to accept the mystery, to not jump to conclusions, careful use of gentle enquiry, and self-confidence, can lead to accepting it with grace and consequently possibly different outcomes.
Bobby289 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I have to agree with betterdeal again, I jumped to conclusions several times during the beginning of my break up and every time just made a fool of myself. Learning to control your emotions is key.
ChelseaLS Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't agree that 90% of the time they found someone else. There are a ton of different reasons. I think a lot of time people read and dig far to deep into what was said, to find an answer because they NEED to know why to satisfy the ending of a relationship (I know I have done it, and do it... but try not to). Perhaps what was stated is what it is. When it comes to dealing with a break up, Iv'e said it before, it is human nature to want to beg, cry, do wildly crazy things to get that person back even anger.. but it rarely ever leads to a reconcilliation. Calm and cool; it will help you deal with the break up in a clear thinking way and make the other person who MAY be confused to run the other way as fast as they can.
Rorschach64 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 So what would you think of a situation where you initally did the begging and pleading but then later approached the matter with logic and cool demeaner but only to get multiple excuses ranging from "I can't be in a relationship right now." to "There is too much hurt." even though there is no rhyme or reason for any of this other than some one else is in the picture.
mike588 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You know your ex left you for her ex... you know it! Does it make it any easier? Honestly would it make it any easier if they told you point blank? Answer this honestly with some reflection In my case, I knew my ex had feelings for that other guy, for me to drag it on for another 2 months was almost selfish on my part. Thats the part that hurts is she wasn't honest with me at the same time, I wasn't honest with myself.. I went to end the relationship about a month and a half before it actually ended and she gaslit me like a champ saying "I love you" blah blah blah... now this was her fault and still mine because I wasnt honest with myself. See 2 people 50/50 Well at 1st it was some of those lines,, I just need some space, I need some time alone, I'm not sure how I should feel about you or if your my life mate so I gave her some time to think things over hoping that was all it was,, she needed time to reflect but knowing in my gut that is was more than that,, (red flag I know) Three days later I get a text saying , Im willing to work on things because you've been nothing but good to me,,, then 3 days later she tells me about the ex. then telling me : I chose to continue this relationship(with him) KNOWING IT WILL FAIL,, WTF,,, KNOWING IT WILL FAIL,, WTF?? So to answer your question I guess it wouldn't of made to much of a difference. I was just saying if I were going to breakup with someone and they beat me to it ,, it would take the burden of breaking up off my shoulders and all that goes with it.
ChelseaLS Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 So what would you think of a situation where you initally did the begging and pleading but then later approached the matter with logic and cool demeaner but only to get multiple excuses ranging from "I can't be in a relationship right now." to "There is too much hurt." even though there is no rhyme or reason for any of this other than some one else is in the picture. Perhaps there is too much hurt? Perhaps there is someone else?... I just don't think it is 99%. Unfortunately we can't climb into peoples heads to see what demons they are battling. But I don't think we do ourselves any favors by trying to see deeper into something... because I think most times there isn't anything there. But because we are trying to look deeper for that why, we make **** up in our heads and create something out of nothing, which can make it even harder on ourselves. I look at the things I personally say to people and there are no hidden messages. Of course not everyone is like that, but I think the marjority are.
wilsonx Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 A lot of new people dont understand, theres no burden. Honestly theres no difference between dumper and dumpee. It doesn't matter. If you love someone you let them go. If they loved you, they would accept that and do the same. So all the people that never hear from their ex again, this is a good thing. The bad thing is when you get the ex's like mine that play games. It shows that they "NEED" you, you rejected them and this isn't love at all. This is selfishness. There are a lot of threads on this forum that say "What do you hate about your ex" blah blah blah and I do laugh at those because your actually posting what you hate about yourself because you were the one in the situation and water seeks its own level.
ChelseaLS Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 A lot of new people dont understand, theres no burden. Honestly theres no difference between dumper and dumpee. It doesn't matter. If you love someone you let them go. If they loved you, they would accept that and do the same. So all the people that never hear from their ex again, this is a good thing. The bad thing is when you get the ex's like mine that play games. It shows that they "NEED" you, you rejected them and this isn't love at all. This is selfishness. There are a lot of threads on this forum that say "What do you hate about your ex" blah blah blah and I do laugh at those because your actually posting what you hate about yourself because you were the one in the situation and water seeks its own level. In a relationship it takes two to make it and two to break it. If you are the dumpee, look deeper. There is usually an underlying issue that you contributed too as well, that brought it to an end.
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