Ayla Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 So, I need some advice... I need to have a talk to the guy I like....who is also one of my best friends. When we are together we can talk about anything-except how we feel about each other. Everyone thinks we should be together, treats us as though we are a couple, and for 6-7 weeks out of 8 we see each other nearly every day for meals, coffee, DVDs, shopping etc etc. With both of us equally instigating contact. That other 1-2 weeks out of 8 he goes cold and although replies to my texts is distant. Most recently we went for dinner the night before, the follow day met for coffee, had lunch together, hung out at his house and he also asked me to stay for dinner. It was me, him and his daughter for the whole day. Then nothing-cold. I want to talk to him to A) understand what is going on with us B) if needed explain how I feel about him and how the cold periods make me feel All without ruining the friendship that we have built or the trust that he has in me. He was badly hurt by his ex. In addition he is coming on a holiday with me to my parents house in feb, and is also a close friend of my brothers. I will also mention that we dated for a few months earlier in the year, but I ended it because he wasn't ready, but did tell him that when he was ready maybe we could try again. 2.5 months ago, he stayed over twice, we fooled around, but no sex. Since then (other than 2 cold weeks) we spent a lot of time together...but have not discussed what happened those nights or why it hasn't happened since. How do I talk to him about this?
smudge21 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Tough one, as he may still have issues about taking it further so by saying anything, you may push him away and lose the friendship (I know about doing that). In the same sense, by not saying anything, he may think you only want friendship and so may "friend-zone" you forever. I definitely think that by "fooling around" you are making it clear what your intentions are - actions speak louder than words - but by doing so you're heading into the friends with benefits scenario, which is not what you want. Maybe you should cut out the intimacy for now, at least until you know what it is you want to say and when/how to say it. Otherwise you're both giving each other very mixed messages. I'd see what others suggest as you will get a few opinions on here, but in the meantime, if the cold moments make you feel low, then tell him. That's only being friendly and you'd do the same with any friend - you can do it without expressing feelings just yet... and maybe by doing so, it may lead to the conversation you want. Either way, it's not an easy one and despite any advice you get, the only person who will know what is right to say and when to say it, is you. Good luck.
Author Ayla Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Thanks Smudge. It is risky, scary and a tough one. He is really important to me, and depending on his mind-I could scare him off by being too forward-especially if he is not ready for anything. That's what scares me the most. Unfortunately/fortunately...depending on how you look at it, we haven't been intimate in 2.5 months. It's like we are together, but without the intamacy.
smudge21 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Clearly you're not happy for things to continue this way, so maybe you should bite the bullet and tell him exactly what you want to tell him, as risky as that may be. The only alternative is to wait and see if he says anything or does anything. It's a tough call and I don't envy your situation having been there before. Can I ask, when you go quiet on him, does this make come running - in other words, does he act like he feels the same way as you do?
Author Ayla Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 If he is in a cold period-no. If it is a normal time-yes. Also he does come running when he knows I'm annoyed at him for some reason (if in a normal period). In the cold periods-he used ignore contact from me. He knows I hate it when people do that-and that is shows how little they think of me. So even in cold periods now-he always replies. So at least that is a good thing. Should I also point out that 2 weeks ago he was saying that he wanted me to meet his family?!? I saw him for the first time in a week the other day, and said to him "are you back to normal?" he replied "yes, why wouldn't I be? What do you mean?" I just left it at that. Didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Previously we have talked about his cold periods, and I told him I'm looking forward to when he is not so predictable. Usually I can tell when the cold periods are coming, but with this one-it came out of no where! What happened in your situation?
smudge21 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't want my situation affecting your judgement on this. You need a clear head to decide what you want to do. I still stick to it sounds like both of you are kinda' playing games, maybe even waiting for the other one to say something. Basically it comes down to - do you want to carry on like this or not?
Author Ayla Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Fair enough.... A couple of my friends have mentioned the same thing-that maybe he is waiting for me to say something. The way his best friend/flatmate teases us, calls me his fiancé, calls him my fiancé, refers to my brother as his brother in law over the last 3 weeks-kinda implys something I think. Do I want this to continue-in an ideal world...no. But taking everything into consideration-I would just be happy to know how he feels, from his mouth. Even if it was a case of "I like you a lot, and I do want to be with you-I'm just not 100% ready". I would like to be able to ask him to give me some warning of when he is going cold, so I can be prepared for 1-2 weeks of general silence...instead of going from 5-6 days a week to nothing. I might wait until he is out of the cold period, and tell him the last bit (how I don't like the cold periods). It's been 1.5 weeks now-the longest cold period in a while....so it's a big freak out. Thank you for your advice
smudge21 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You really have to find that fine line, where you tell him how you feel and ask him those questions, but also letting him know that whatever his answers you still want him in your life... although, be honest with yourself too; if you don't get the answers you'd like, could it affect the friendship in the long term. Believe me, as much as we want someone in our lives, the pain of living a lie is never worth it. Good luck.
Author Ayla Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Ok....so tonight he asked me to have dinner with him. He had a tough day at work (dealing with some pretty awful stuff). So he text me. At dinner I mentioned that I hate the cold periods, including the last 2 weeks. He said that he just needed some time away and that it was his perogative. I agreed, but said that usually I can tell when they are coming, but this time I couldn't. He then said that he can't be seen to much with women... I then left it at that. Then conversation got back to normal. We had spent a lot of time together for 6 weeks previous, so I think he did freak out a little. Tonight at dinner he accidently touched my hand, and he quickly pulled it away and made a deal out of it. Not sure why this might have been. All I know is that, if I had "the talk" with him, he would run for the hills. Agree???
alphamale Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 no sex = no romantic relationship. sorry but he is just your friend
Emilia Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 He then said that he can't be seen to much with women... I then left it at that. Then conversation got back to normal. We had spent a lot of time together for 6 weeks previous, so I think he did freak out a little. Tonight at dinner he accidently touched my hand, and he quickly pulled it away and made a deal out of it. Not sure why this might have been. All I know is that, if I had "the talk" with him, he would run for the hills. Agree??? He is only a friend, this has been going on for a very long time, it would be much healthier for you if you moved on. His friend is probably calling you 'fiance' because you are behaving like one but the reality is that this guy isn't interested in you romantically. He is probably just lonely
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