BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) I'm a little confused about this guy I'm dating so I thought I would just throw this out there to see what other's opinions might be. We've been dating/hanging out for just about 3 months..we met at the place where I work and after a few months of texting back and forth we finally went out...we waited until about the tenth date before sleeping together and he told me he hasn't slept with anyone else since we've been hanging out. I'm not sure if I believe him, but that may just be because I have trust issues to begin with. I'm getting a little frustrated now though, because it's been 3 months and we're still not officially "in a relationship" or whatever. I've told him I have no interest in being his FWB and he insists that's not what we are. He's told me on multiple occasions that he wants to be in a relationship, and that he likes me, and all the reasons he likes me, but he just wants to take it slow and not jump into anything and then realize it's not right for both of us....basically he said his last few relationsips have been 2 or 3 years each and when he gets into a relationship he does it for the long haul. He introduced me to all of his friends and his family recently which went pretty well but just confused me even further...why would you introduce a random girl who isn't your gf to your parents? He's also 30, and I'm 23....and he expressed concern that because I'm young, I wont be ready for what he will be ready for in a couple of years (i.e., marriage and kids)....which we still haven't fully discussed. Also on the other hand, we haven't been going out on dates frequently...we both have schedules where we get off work rather late...usually around 10 pm..and we usually just end up at his house, one of us cooks dinner for the other and we just hang out..usually have sex. It's really frustrating to me because I'm NEVER the one who brings up "The Talk" (about where the relationship is going, etc....usually after a month or so the 'relationship' either fizzles out or the guy tells me he wants to be in a relationship....and it's been 3 months. Am I being strung along? :/ Edited November 2, 2011 by BriannaClaire
carhill Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Do his actions indicate you are in a relationship? Examples: Proactive 'coupling' in public, meaning he makes sure that people are aware you're a couple. Talking about you and he as 'us' Easily and consistently available Doesn't flirt with or comment about other women when you're in public with him Includes you in his family events and social activities Why do you have 'trust issues'? Welcome to LS
Author BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 that's exactly it...we aren't a "couple..." Just not sure if he wants to become one in the near future or if he's just saying it to keep me available. I'm a pretty straightforward chick so I'd have no problem asking him, but I don't want him to feel forced or rushed if he really is just taking his time.
Trovador Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Back in the day everything was easier... I just asked my female friend if she wanted to be my gf, and when she agreed (with the warmest of kisses) well, we were in a relationship... ah, the memories! What I see in your pseudo bf is that he isn't available and probably never will, he likes you but doesn't love you, you are important but not to the point of commitment... You know, if I am seeing you, dating you and sleeping with you I share a relationship with you, and while I am not shopping right away for marriage rings, I'd expect that would happen some day... but that's me, an average guy...
Author BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 At this point, I'm getting sick of waiting around. I'm just wondering if I should bail, or if I will regret not knowing what could have happened...
Author BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) The first I've met any of his friends really was this past weekend, he had a big family and friends get together at his mom's house and I was invited..he seemed excited to introduce me to everyone but when he did, it was just "Hey So-and-So, this is Brianna...." ....but even so, I'm not at all concerned with labels. I just want to know that that's where the whole thing is headed. Edited November 2, 2011 by BriannaClaire
Author BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 The better question is, is it really even possible for a guy to go 3 months, dating a girl he *supposedly* really genuinely likes and is developing feelings for, and still not be sure he wants to be with her? At what point does it become obvious that if it hasn't happened yet, it never will?
Million.to.1 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 The better question is, is it really even possible for a guy to go 3 months, dating a girl he *supposedly* really genuinely likes and is developing feelings for, and still not be sure he wants to be with her? At what point does it become obvious that if it hasn't happened yet, it never will? I suppose that is the million dollar question... A woman could be in a relationship for a year and still be waiting for an "i love you" from her partner. Another could be with the love of her life for years and still be waiting for them to live together, or for a marriage proposal. Some people just work on different time frames. I don't think 3 months is really that long at all. It depends on what would change once you are actually "in a relationship". I would say that at the beginning, it simply means wanting to be sexually and emotionally exclusive to one another, and seeing how things go... right? Are you concerned that he is keeping his options open as far as other woman go or do you feel pretty secure with that at the moment? He seems to treat you as an (early) girlfriend already, and maybe he wants to introduce you to some of the other people in his life before making that next step. All his actions and what he has said indicate that he really likes you and wants you in his life.. so maybe he is just taking things slowly. Deciding to start another LTR can be a little terrifying for some people who have had a couple already. So much of your lives, and your friends, end up becoming a part each others that it just makes you slightly more cautious about jumping head first into another without really getting to know someone first. Maybe just be a little more patient, I think it's coming... But if the root of this is about sexual exclusivity.. I guess you need to decide what your needs are and talk to him about it. I waited a while to be "in a relationship" with my boyfriend.. but I never had any doubt that that's where it was heading... Do you?
Author BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I suppose that is the million dollar question... A woman could be in a relationship for a year and still be waiting for an "i love you" from her partner. Another could be with the love of her life for years and still be waiting for them to live together, or for a marriage proposal. Some people just work on different time frames. I don't think 3 months is really that long at all. It depends on what would change once you are actually "in a relationship". I would say that at the beginning, it simply means wanting to be sexually and emotionally exclusive to one another, and seeing how things go... right? Are you concerned that he is keeping his options open as far as other woman go or do you feel pretty secure with that at the moment? He seems to treat you as an (early) girlfriend already, and maybe he wants to introduce you to some of the other people in his life before making that next step. All his actions and what he has said indicate that he really likes you and wants you in his life.. so maybe he is just taking things slowly. Deciding to start another LTR can be a little terrifying for some people who have had a couple already. So much of your lives, and your friends, end up becoming a part each others that it just makes you slightly more cautious about jumping head first into another without really getting to know someone first. Maybe just be a little more patient, I think it's coming... But if the root of this is about sexual exclusivity.. I guess you need to decide what your needs are and talk to him about it. I waited a while to be "in a relationship" with my boyfriend.. but I never had any doubt that that's where it was heading... Do you? I do..have doubts, that is. According to him that's where it's headed. But it feels like not everything says matches up... for example, introducing me to his parents....taking me out to dinner and spontaneously bringing up the conversation of "what do I want"...but yet every time we hang out, it's almost always at his house, he doesn't neccessarily take me out on dates (the time that I mentioned was for my birthday). And it's largely in part because we both have late working schedules (usually till 10pm...and we rarely have time to see each other more than once or twice a week)..but it makes it feel all that much more like a booty call. Which I've told him, but he hasn't really made much of an effort to start taking me out more.
Author BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I think I will stick it out for a few more weeks, and if nothing progresses, just give him an ultimatum and just say that I really am starting to like him, and when I care about someone I'm not ok with sharing. And then if he still isn't "ready," just split. I think for these last couple of weeks im going to give him as much space as possible to see how he reacts. I really genuinely like him ....he's definitely the most attractive guy I've ever dated, and I'm at ease around him...feels like we're also good friends..That's why I've stuck around so long thus far.
tigressA Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 That sounds like a good plan but when you do see him I'd make sure that you go on a date, even if you're the one to arrange it. Also, have you considered telling him you don't think you can do sex any more as long as you're not exclusive? This way you won't feel used. This just makes her look like a huge tease and will be more than reason enough for this guy to dump her. She consciously chose to have sex with this guy REPEATEDLY without having clearly established exclusivity. If exclusivity before sex was so important to her she would've made sure of it before she opened her legs. She was not and is not being used. If she feels she is being used then she should get out of this 'relationship' because who wants to feel like that while with someone they're into? Of course, if the OP likes drama roller-coasters then it's all well and good.
tigressA Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I disagree. She obviously isn't obligated to have sex with someone if it makes her uncomfortable. Just because she's already had sex with him doesn't mean she's owes him more. And I don't see it as an either/or deal. If she wants to date him right now without the sex until she figures out whether they're on the same page, then that's what she should do. If she decides against the sex for now, then I think she should explain to him that she thought she'd be OK with it but she realized after some reflection that it isn't making her feel good. He can deal, and if he can't then that tells her something important about him. I'll add the caveat that she should only cut out the sex if she knows she can stick to it, because it *will* look terrible if she cuts it out for a bit and then caves. You're right, she doesn't owe him more. If she does feel uncomfortable, she should stop. But she hasn't explicitly stated that she feels uncomfortable having sex with him. You are the one who has inferred she is and is feeling 'used'. It will, undoubtedly, make her look like she doesn't know what she wants and caves easily, which isn't usually seen as attractive. Like I said, if she wanted exclusivity so much before having sex, she should've established it before having sex with him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I think I will stick it out for a few more weeks, and if nothing progresses, just give him an ultimatum and just say that I really am starting to like him, and when I care about someone I'm not ok with sharing. And then if he still isn't "ready," just split. I think for these last couple of weeks im going to give him as much space as possible to see how he reacts. I really genuinely like him ....he's definitely the most attractive guy I've ever dated, and I'm at ease around him...feels like we're also good friends..That's why I've stuck around so long thus far. This whole post is crap. Are you so bloody insecure that you need him to draw a roadmap to marriage in order to continue? Do you need a lawyer to draw up a dating contract? Or maybe some kind of certificate proving you are officially a girlfriend? I'm looking at everything you describe this guy as doing and he is clearly serious about you... but it's only been 3 months and he wants to get to know you better. I'm sure he is nervous because you are a 23 year old girl and prone to the exact same type of stupid insecure craziness that made you start this thread!
carhill Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 He's also 30, and I'm 23....and he expressed concern that because I'm young, I wont be ready for what he will be ready for in a couple of years (i.e., marriage and kids)....which we still haven't fully discussed. So, he's expressed concerns, yet, as a 30 yo mature man, supposedly with a number of LTR's under his belt, he's pursued you proactively. Hmm... Something isn't matching up for me about him. Has he met your parents? Also, repeating, what are your trust issues stemming from?
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I wouldn't say it's insecure craziness. The OP is looking for a relationship and it's not clear whether he's on the same page. Usually after three months of dating people have decided whether they want a relationship. It's OK if somebody moves at a slower pace, but it's also understandable that the other person might wonder since this pace isn't the norm. He's also sending her mixed signals by having her meet his parents before he decides whether to be in a relationship with her. I understand her confusion but I think she should stick it out for now and not obsess until she has more info. Yes, it is insecure craziness. If she likes him... and he is actively doing the things that create and maintain a long term relationship. BriannaClaire just wants verbal confirmation and assurances. It's basically like she is sinking in water but so foolish that she won't start swimming until someone tells her she is drowning. Meeting his parents IS not a mixed signal. It's a clear indication of intent. The only thing she should be concerned about at this point is that they are mutually exclusive.
carhill Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Meeting his parents IS not a mixed signal. It's a clear indication of intent. With some people, it is a clear indication of intent; with others, it's illusion. I've experienced both. Since they spend so little time together due to their chosen schedules, determining mutual exclusivity can be difficult. Also, OP states they very seldom go out on dates. OP, at this juncture, I would suggest a more proactive stance and for you to ask him out on dates. See how that goes. Such 'going out' is normal for all relationship levels, even old farts who are married many years.
Million.to.1 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I agree with other posters that OP needs to be more proactive and set the standards of what she wants as far as going out or how they spend their time together. I think when people hit their 30's, they look ahead when entering into a relationship. What's the point in just "going through the motions" with someone you may not want to potentially share a life with? OP, Considering you only spend a couple a nights a week together, 3 months is STILL not that long. And i also think that he has done many things to suggest he is actually serious about you and he is not pursuing other woman ATM. I'm even tending to think that his behavior is almost testing you. He's worried that you are not mature enough or ready for the type of relationship that he could give you. By being impatient and insecure, you are just proving to him that he's right. You obviously like him so just be a little more patient. Give it another month ...Maybe take a step back and be a little less available to just "hang out at his place". Suggest other things to do and make plans with your friends and invite him along... Take some of the power back for yourself and keep your heart safe.
snug.bunny Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 A relationship takes time to develop. Is he dating/sleeping with other women? If the answer is yes, then that is something you have to honestly ask whether or not you can handle at this juncture (especially since you already struggle with trust issues). Introducing you to his friends/family, is a good sign, but it would probably be best to put that off for the time being because I do not think you are both at that "place" yet. So, maybe table the heavy discussions for now, and just continue dating him and see where it goes. Good luck!
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