MsLandon Posted May 20, 2004 Posted May 20, 2004 Hi there. I've had a friend for the past 2 years who has just informed me that he'd like to start dating. About a year ago, while he was in a rocky relationship he told me that he was immensely attracted to me and quite honestly I felt the same. We are attracted to each other not just physically but because we've gotten to know each other very well being friends. And I just wanna state for the record, we were JUST friends. Never anything more during the time he was in his relationship. He gave the relationship a chance and finally, they decided to break up. About a month later he asked me out to lunch. I thought that this was a regular friendly lunch but the day before I found out that he wanted this to be a date. I became "ill" the day of the "date" because I has such anxiety and was so nervous about the date. I mean, physically ill. Chills and everything. When I saw him everything was fine and we had a great time. The following week he planned a nice surprise dinner for my birthday. Afterwards he said that he hoped that I felt cared for and special because I was to him and he looks forward to us getting to know each other more as more than friends. After that, we didn't talk again for about a week. We had a long 2 hour conversation that was nice as usual. Isn't a week a long time though? I haven't "dated" in a long time so I'm not sure if that's normal or not. Secondly, I know that things are over between him and his ex., but I wonder if I should really consider discussing the possibility of just remaining friends until a bit more time has passed following his break up. At this point they've been broken up for about 2 months. They were together for two years and I know from experience that relationships can be difficult to get out of - plus when I ended my last long term relationship I just wanted to be single for a while. I wonder if he has considered this. Should I bring it up? I'm sorry to ask what probably are stupid questions, but I just haven't done this in a while. I feel so much pressure in this situation because this guy is also my friend and I feel like it this doesn't work out or ends badly I might loose a great person in my life. I've been accused of being a woman who is hard to read - in terms of my interest level so I'm really trying to do better. I don't want him to feel like I've led him on and am not interested when I am - but I don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing when that's not my intent. Plus as I mentioned, I'm a bit scared of the possibility of loosing a friend. Any thoughts?
Papillon Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 You cannot schedule love, and heartbreak does not keep a timetable. You guys seem to be doing fine, so why make it more complicated? If it's meant to happen, it will.
LILUIL Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Since you are at the begining of a relationship with him, start it off right by talking about expectations of both persons involved. I have always believed that a person is different as a friend and different when in a love relationship. I think it's not too early for a serious talk, with you two taking turns to hear each others opinions. It will really clear the air and give you better sleep.
Author MsLandon Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 Originally posted by LILUIL Since you are at the begining of a relationship with him, start it off right by talking about expectations of both persons involved. I have always believed that a person is different as a friend and different when in a love relationship. I think it's not too early for a serious talk, with you two taking turns to hear each others opinions. It will really clear the air and give you better sleep. I agree and think that's a good idea, but I have no clue how to talk about that. When you move from friends to something else talking about this stuff seems...akward - at best. Plus communicating about feelings isn't my strong suit. What do I say, "Oh, speaking of setting perameters and expectations for relationships, a funny thing happened today..." laughing.
Author MsLandon Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon You cannot schedule love, and heartbreak does not keep a timetable. You guys seem to be doing fine, so why make it more complicated? If it's meant to happen, it will. I loved the quote about timing. Very true. Are you saying that since we seem to be doing fine asking some of the questions I mentioned would only complicate things?
Author MsLandon Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 Based upon some of the posts I've seen here it appears that it takes people long periods of time to get over past relationships. Do you think that a month or two is a reasonable amount of time? I know that he and I had something established being friends and all and the conversations related to our feelings is almost a year old but I guess I'm just concerned about being "rebound" girl too. I guess I don't really understand what the "rebound girl" is - but I know I ain't trying to be her. laughing. Can you clarify this at all?
Author MsLandon Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 I forgot me mention...other than weeks where we are planning to go out we seem to talk about once a week. Usually for a couple of hours. For the dates - he calls. For the chatting, I usually call and he's always happy to hear from me...but is once a week normal? I guess I'm just reading so many things here...signs of this and signs of that - that I just want to make sure I'm handling things appropriately. As I mentioned, I've been out of the dating world for a while - by choice, and I do know that while I was dating I sometimes seemed distant...I don't want to do that this go around.
LILUIL Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Originally posted by MsLandon I agree and think that's a good idea, but I have no clue how to talk about that. When you move from friends to something else talking about this stuff seems...akward - at best. Plus communicating about feelings isn't my strong suit. erm.... you could try : do you like me? > what is it about me that you like? then you get to answer those questions about him. talk~! Originally posted by MsLandon Based upon some of the posts I've seen here it appears that it takes people long periods of time to get over past relationships. Do you think that a month or two is a reasonable amount of time? I know that he and I had something established being friends and all and the conversations related to our feelings is almost a year old but I guess I'm just concerned about being "rebound" girl too. I guess I don't really understand what the "rebound girl" is - but I know I ain't trying to be her. laughing. Can you clarify this at all? you are with this guy who is unique in his own way and only you have the actual chance of knowing whats in his heart and mind, not us. You cant judge his by other people's standards coz his background, past experiences, character are all unique, that's what makes him HIM. give him a chance to be himself, just enjoy his company when you two go out, that's important becoz if you're thinking long term, you'd wanna be with someone who enjoys having you around and whom you enjoy having around. Originally posted by MsLandon I forgot me mention...other than weeks where we are planning to go out we seem to talk about once a week. Usually for a couple of hours. For the dates - he calls. For the chatting, I usually call and he's always happy to hear from me...but is once a week normal? I guess I'm just reading so many things here...signs of this and signs of that - that I just want to make sure I'm handling things appropriately. As I mentioned, I've been out of the dating world for a while - by choice, and I do know that while I was dating I sometimes seemed distant...I don't want to do that this go around. i can see one sign he seems to be showing.... is that he wants things to go smoothly.... i think your relationship is very normal at this stage. really nothing to sweat over.
Paradise Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Personally, 1 week is long time not to be in contact with someone you care about. I speak to my g/f few times a day on the phone and we see each other almost everyday. You have to remember that people who care for each other communicate constantly and want to know everything that going on with their partner.
Author MsLandon Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 when i was in my 20's, i loved 2 talk everyday. now i've got a business, a child, a fulltime job and a house to maintain. i would dodge his calls if i heard from him everyday. ya know? i'd feel like, don't you have stuff 2 do? is that wrong? plus perhaps u grow to that feeling comfortable. i'm not his gf...yet. ;-)
Author MsLandon Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 Originally posted by LILUIL erm.... you could try : do you like me? > what is it about me that you like? then you get to answer those questions about him. talk~! Haaa. WellI'm not quite that bad. laughing. We've done that. He's told me exactly what he loves about my personality. He's very open about that. So we've covered those bases. It't just the "expectations" convo that has me in a tizzy. I guess I am squeemish about it and have no idea how to bring it up because my skin crawls when when in the past someone has initiated that convo with me. I guess I feel like he would have the same reaction as I did. you are with this guy who is unique in his own way and only you have the actual chance of knowing whats in his heart and mind, not us. You cant judge his by other people's standards coz his background, past experiences, character are all unique, that's what makes him HIM. give him a chance to be himself, just enjoy his company when you two go out, that's important becoz if you're thinking long term, you'd wanna be with someone who enjoys having you around and whom you enjoy having around. You are so right. Thank you. I do enjoy his company and when we talk it's like no one is around. i can see one sign he seems to be showing.... is that he wants things to go smoothly.... i think your relationship is very normal at this stage. really nothing to sweat over. How can you tell that? It's ironic you say that because a friend he confided in about his feelings for me even before I knew said that she told him not to mess it up and she thinks that he's playing things very cool. How can you tell that he wants things to go smoothly?
Paradise Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 MsLandon[i would dodge his calls if i heard from him everyday] That would not be right. I presume that you expect him to answer your calls when you cam him (?)
LILUIL Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Originally posted by MsLandon Haaa. WellI'm not quite that bad. laughing. We've done that. He's told me exactly what he loves about my personality. He's very open about that. So we've covered those bases. It't just the "expectations" convo that has me in a tizzy. I guess I am squeemish about it and have no idea how to bring it up because my skin crawls when when in the past someone has initiated that convo with me. I guess I feel like he would have the same reaction as I did. You are so right. Thank you. I do enjoy his company and when we talk it's like no one is around. How can you tell that? It's ironic you say that because a friend he confided in about his feelings for me even before I knew said that she told him not to mess it up and she thinks that he's playing things very cool. How can you tell that he wants things to go smoothly? 1. then leave him to initiate that contact. you two have a solid friendship and that's great.... 2. 3. in smoothly i meant that he's been planning your birthday, he talks to you, and that you should sit back and enjoy this. "plus when I ended my last long term relationship I just wanted to be single for a while. I wonder if he has considered this. Should I bring it up?" he's a grown man.... he knows what he's doing and should be responsible for his own actions. I don't want him to feel like I've led him on and am not interested when I am - but I don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing when that's not my intent. Plus as I mentioned, I'm a bit scared of the possibility of loosing a friend. you'll know him differently as a friend but when you get in relationship with him, you'll see him through and entirely new spectrum, agreed? you are interested and he knows that by now. be supportive, attentive, responsive and just have a blast in his company, be Yourself. Let things happens in its due time, dont try to speed anything up.... Dont think too much....
Author MsLandon Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 Originally posted by Paradise MsLandon[i would dodge his calls if i heard from him everyday] That would not be right. I presume that you expect him to answer your calls when you cam him (?) Yes I would expect that he answer my calls when I phone...but I would understand if he let a few go to voicemail if I was calling too much. For me, because of where I man in my life, I don't feel that it's necessary for him to call me everyday. That would just be too much. If he called me everyday or more than once a day every day I'd let some of those calls go to voice mail not because I didn't care about him, but because of life, time constraints, etc. I would return every call. Now if grew to that - where we needed those calls or just needed to reach out to one another every day that's a differnet thing. But at this point, I don't think it's necessary and honestly yes, it would turn me off just a little bit because I wouldn't expect a 36 year old man with his own firm to call me quite that often in the beginning stages of dating. If we were in love and had the disposable time and fewer responsibilities, it wouldn't be a problem. But we've only been dating a few weeks. Do you know what I'm saying? There isn't anything mean spirited in what I'm trying to convey. If he did it at this stage, I would probably feel like perhaps he's clingy or needy. Ya know?
Author MsLandon Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 Originally posted by LILUIL 1. then leave him to initiate that contact. you two have a solid friendship and that's great.... 2. 3. in smoothly i meant that he's been planning your birthday, he talks to you, and that you should sit back and enjoy this. "plus when I ended my last long term relationship I just wanted to be single for a while. I wonder if he has considered this. Should I bring it up?" he's a grown man.... he knows what he's doing and should be responsible for his own actions. you'll know him differently as a friend but when you get in relationship with him, you'll see him through and entirely new spectrum, agreed? you are interested and he knows that by now. be supportive, attentive, responsive and just have a blast in his company, be Yourself. Let things happens in its due time, dont try to speed anything up.... Dont think too much.... Well you go girl...or boy! laughing. great advice. Thank you so much. You sould like an extremely centered person. I appreciate your advice.
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