Should I fight for my LD, "Friends with benefits" best friend???

[BurningBright]

This is my first time on this site, and I'm really enjoying it. Many of the postings have helped me with some issues in my life. Thank you all and keep up the good work!!!

 

Now, I have one problem that I can't seem to get over within my "relationship world". I am 20 years old, and have only had bf in high school. This was what I consider "experimenting", and due to that it only lasted a few months.

 

This past year, during my second year of college I started talking to a male who was going to college in my hometown (only 2 hours from where I am living now). We talked for months (almost 6) online and on the phone (3-4 hours each night... at least!!) and we finally decided to meet (online meetings can work... just be safe!!!... I did have friends back home that were also friends with him)... now prior to this meeting he had mentioned how it was awful that I wasn't living there anymore, since long distance relationships are hard (he had experienced a serious one in the past), and that he didn't want things to change after this weekend, so feelings were not to get involved. I was fine with that, since all I was really looking for was a great friend.

Well... like many could have predicted.... feelings (on my part) started to arise.

 

One month later, he moved from my hometown to work and be closer to family. (This is now 5 hours away from where I am living). I went to visit with him and meet his family for a weekend, and things between us started to get very "hot and heavy". He ended up being my first. Now this obviously just escaladed my feelings for him. I know I started to love him. From all our conversations from before, and now the sexual aspect of a relationship.. I can't deny that I didn't feel love towards him. The problem was, he still didn't want "feelings to be involved".. and obviously just wanted a "friend with benefits" per say.

 

Now, it's been over 3 months. We don't talk like we used to. I still talk to his entire family, and I know he is struggling with other stresses of life, although I still really care for him. I want to tell him, but after what has happened, I don't want our friendship to become any more distant then what it already is.

 

I guess I'm asking.. Should I fight for him? Tell him how I feel and pray we can start the caring relationship I KNOW we could have. Or do I just move on (easier said then done )

 

Thanks again

[FolderWife]

I hate to sound cruel, but from the gist of your post, it sounds like he's emotionally attracted to you, but not physically. Maybe he likes girls with blonder hair...maybe he likes longer leggs, who knows.

 

 

It sounds like his insistance on being "just friends" was because that yes, he was attracted to your personality, but he didn't want you as a girlfriend for whatever reason...maybe it WAS just the distance. He doesn't want a relationship with you, and he made that clear from the beginning. I'm sure your feelings for him were unintentional, but none the less, it happened. In his eyes, you broke a trust, by starting to have feelings for him, when he trusted you not to. He was counting on you to be his friend, but you're not his friend now, because you want to be his lover.

 

I don't think that in this situation you can have him. He's a jerk, in reality, for being your first, when he knew he had no intentions of starting a relationship with you.

 

What kind of "friend" leads a friend on like that? Look at this realistically, and see if you truely WANT a friend who would use you in such a selfish way. Feelings of love aside...

 

Also, he's now avoiding you, so that's another clue that he isn't interested. You two may have been close, and it may have gone too far, and now he probably feels like any more contact with you would just lead you on more, and he doesn't want to do that, because he doesn't want to be with you in that way.

 

The BEST thing you can do, is MOVE ON. The relationship with him has crossed the line. If you plan to ever have any kind of relationship with him ever again, you need to back off a lot. No calling him, no calling his family, no e-mailing him, unless he e-mails you first....and then if his e-mail is two sentances, don't write a book...send two sentences back. Don't be cold, be friendly, but DON'T PUSH. I know that's hard to do, but the FASTEST way to run a person off, is to chase them. Let him come to you.

 

He let you know how far this friendship was allowed to go, but you pushed the limits, so now he's running. If you chase, he'll run faster.

 

Let him be for a while, and if you see him online, say hi, to let him know that you are still there for him, but when he responds, don't respond back. If he responds twice, then you respond back. What this does, is let him know that you are there, but you are not going to force yourself on him.

 

Giving him this kind of space, and letting him know that you respect him so you're not going to try and make him do something he CLEARLY doesn't want to do, will make him want to be your friend again.

 

I wouldn't push for much of anything with this guy, though. I stand by what I said earlier: What kind of "friend" would lead a friend on like that????? That's cruel beyond words.

[BurningBright]

Wow... Monday.. Thank you so much. You couldn't have put it any clearer. I have always listened to stories about girls firsts, and how it's so hard to get over that "first love", but I know I am just going to have to. It was tough, especially knowing that the sexual and physical likings were there for both of us, although if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be!

 

You ARE right... What kind of a friend is he to do that, when he knew he had no intentions of starting a relationship.

 

I still thankfully don't have any regrets about what had happened. It happened, I can't change that fact, so why regret and dwell about it.

 

I will take your advice, and let him come to me. He knows I will always be there for him as a friend if he ever needs help, etc. In the mean time, I'll keep a eye out for a man out there who doesn't have a crule thought in his mind, but this time.... I'll let him chase me

 

Thank you again so much!

 

~BurningBright

[FolderWife]

I'm so glad that you don't have regrets I regret my first He ended up being such a cruel hearted jerk, that it made me appreciate my husband so much more