marriagetested85 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 My husband moved out sept 22... we in the past week or so have talked and he came back to our apt. he got a text yesterday morning from a girl he had slept with 2 weeks after he moved out saying she was pregnant. it was a 1 night thing, to make it worse she lives 7 doors down from me!! and to make it even more worse, my husband and I are supposed to be going the invitro next week. Invitro because i had to have my tubes taken out. and we are trying to have our first baby and now my husband is expecting a child with my neighbor. He has begged me to forgive him swears he wants nothing to do with her. Our relationsip has been full of ups and downs but this is insane. idk if she really is pregnant or saw his car at my house all weekend and felt rejected.. or maybe im just in denial. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We have been together only 2.5 years, we are a military family, so now my husband is also scared of going to jail for adultry. with all the problems i have with having a baby i feel so empty knowing this girl is having my husbands baby... this is the worst feeling in the world.
frozensprouts Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 My husband moved out sept 22... we in the past week or so have talked and he came back to our apt. he got a text yesterday morning from a girl he had slept with 2 weeks after he moved out saying she was pregnant. it was a 1 night thing, to make it worse she lives 7 doors down from me!! and to make it even more worse, my husband and I are supposed to be going the invitro next week. Invitro because i had to have my tubes taken out. and we are trying to have our first baby and now my husband is expecting a child with my neighbor. He has begged me to forgive him swears he wants nothing to do with her. Our relationsip has been full of ups and downs but this is insane. idk if she really is pregnant or saw his car at my house all weekend and felt rejected.. or maybe im just in denial. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We have been together only 2.5 years, we are a military family, so now my husband is also scared of going to jail for adultry. with all the problems i have with having a baby i feel so empty knowing this girl is having my husbands baby... this is the worst feeling in the world. oh my, this was my worst nightmare when my husband was cheating. i'm so sorry you are going through this:( first, can i say i would insist on a paternity test as soon as possible. second, this situation is different than just him cheating. thee could be some real ramifications for your husband, beyond her possible pregnancy.is there anyone local you can turn to for help and advice? does your husband's unit/squadron/platoon have a padre you can talk to? even if you aren't religious, they can be a big help, keep things confidential ( state first that you are speaking to him/her "off the record"- not sure where you are, but here they are obligated not to report to the chain of command unless you are going to harm yourself or others), and they have seen and heard it all. they should be able to provide you with support or direct you to it. as for how to deal with your husband... that is up to you. did you have any kind of "understanding" while you were separated about dating or sleeping with someone else? (*********please note: this next part only reports what my husband did when he had an affair with a co-worker. what happened to him may be different than what would happen to your husband**************) after the affair ended and my husband got back from deployment, he went to his chain of command ( his WO) and reported what had happened. because he accepted responsibility for his actions, he ended up losing a promotion and had note about it on his pdr. it could have been so much worse. the woman he cheated with got the same, but she just moved on to the next married guy, so i don't thin it had much effect. now for you. if staying with your husband is what you want to do, you need to face this as a united front. but you also need to look after yourself right now...you need some "self care" .. be kind to yourself. do you have any good friends in the area you can talk to? things will get better, and you'll get through this... you're a military spouse, and you're stronger than you know:)
In Like Flynn Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 As a retired veteran I will tell you he will not get charged if the OW is not a military member, civilian worker on a base or a wife of a military member. He will get into to trouble if his Chain of Command gets involved but no more than letter of reprimand. The reduction in rank and refusal to allow reenlistment if for military on military etc. No jail involved. He must take care of the kid financially etc if she gives birth.
unodos1011 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Im sorry that you are having to deal with all of this, unfortunately its all too common with military families. Your husband will not be going to jail for adultry. As someone else said, its up to his chain of command to decide how far it goes but the worst I have seen is an article for violation of the UCMJ, a reduction in rank, and a forfeiture of pay (two months at most but I doubt that it would even be an issue at all). I hope that eases your mind a little and I wish that I could give you advice but im just not good with words. My husband and I are also a military family, he had an affair with our neighbor as well and I can tell you the best thing we did was move away from that place. Luckily the move was already set in motion before I found everything out but it made me sick to my stomach to see her house and her car every day knowing what they did. If I can offer anything, it would be to get away from there because reconciliation is hard enough without the worry of bumping into the other woman. Good luck to you!
frozensprouts Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 marriagetested85, I hope things are a bit better today. They do get better, but it takes a while:( i don't want to add more stress to you right now, but there is something you need to think about. If you can move that's great, but if the baby is your husband's will he want to be involved in his child's life? Would moving away make that more difficult? Would your husband be okay with that? I totally understand how hard it is to see this woman and know what happened. I have been there too. It's horrible. But, like I said before, it does get easier. The woman my husband had an affair with lives up the road from us, and I see her almost every day. AT first that was awful, but it did get easier. Up until a few weeks ago, they also still worked together, and saw each other every day. that was really difficult, but there was nothing to be done about it. AT first I was suspicious, but after a while, i realized that I had to find a way to learn to trust my husband again. If I didn't trust him around her, how could i trust him around anyone else? It took a while, but the trust did come back, and when I saw her at squadron events, etc., I held my head high and waked right past her. I know it ticked her off that i would dare to come to events she was at, but i didn't care ( still don't, if if she doesn't like it, she can shove it:laugh:) My husband has been posted to a new regiment, so they no longer work together, but we are still on the same base in the same house- we could have been posted out, but I am happy here, my kids like it here, and i am not going to let her presence dictate our choices. again, if she doesn't like it, she can shove it:laugh: I know it's still the early days for you, and the pain is so hard to deal with, plus you have the added issue of the possible pregnancy...but you can get through this. If you choose to stay with your husband, perhaps this could be an "opportunity" ( strange word choice, I know) to make your relationship stronger and better than before. like I said before, it's okay and even a good idea to ask for some help to get through it.. just remember to be kind to yourself right now, give yourself some time to " catch your breath" and regroup ad decide which choices you want to make for yourself. No matter what you decide, there is a light at the end of the tunnel:)
Author marriagetested85 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Things are so hard, My husband found out Monday, I found out tuesday, and today is only wednesday.My husband is currently on orders to leave where we are to go to be a drill sgt and when he came down on orders we called and requested to stay here. I have now told him i want us to move, he has called branch and they said it shouldnt be a problem. I asked my husband if he was willing to give her and the child up, he says he is, he has told her he will be there financally only. I can't deal with her and a child in my life i really can't i told him he had to choose and he choose to work us out. I know its so early and there is going to be so much more up and downs with this but im obviously every bad emotion possible and if anything happens that i dont like he is so out the door. in a perfect world i wish we could just pay her the child support and never hear from or see her again.
Spark1111 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Oh boy....I do not want to be a cynic here, but is everyone absolutely SURE this woman is pregnant? Just sayin.... I think there are NO more conversations with this woman without you and he in the same room on the same line, together. They are not to have any contact after he tells her (with you standing right next to him or listening on another line) that he is recommitting to the marriage. that he loves you, that he will be financially responsible for the child IF it proves to be his, and that he is being transferred and he hopes you will go with him. That all additional communication regarding this pregnancy will have to be to his home phone, and he will return her calls at a time when you can be there with him. That being said, if and when you move, you two can decide what your future together could be and if it will include any children. Good luck.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 immediately demand a dna test be done. you need EVIDENCE that what she states is true.
findingnemo Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Oh boy....I do not want to be a cynic here, but is everyone absolutely SURE this woman is pregnant? Just sayin.... I think there are NO more conversations with this woman without you and he in the same room on the same line, together. They are not to have any contact after he tells her (with you standing right next to him or listening on another line) that he is recommitting to the marriage. that he loves you, that he will be financially responsible for the child IF it proves to be his, and that he is being transferred and he hopes you will go with him. That all additional communication regarding this pregnancy will have to be to his home phone, and he will return her calls at a time when you can be there with him. That being said, if and when you move, you two can decide what your future together could be and if it will include any children. Good luck. Oh dear...very very sorry for what you're going through. Spark's advice is really good. Bust this thing open by engaging her along with your H. Don't let him handle it alone. She will play on his guilt and he may get overwhelmed and make mistakes. When you're there, she'll won't be able to manipulate him and you'll have more control because you know first hand what she says. Can you have a paternity test in vitro? I don't know. If not, you need to avoid being angry at her (impossible right?). but if you can do this, you gain total control. When the baby is born, have the test. Does she even want a baby? She may think so if she has hope that WH will go back to her. If she sees you both put on a united front, shell realize that no matter what she'll never have him. I know one couple which couldn't have kids and the H ended up having an A because of the stress. He wanted out feeling he really couldn't live with the prospect of being childless. With all the pain, the BW decided to embrace the OW. Everybody thought it was odd. BW took her to the doctor, bought her groceries, checked on her. OW was resistant at first but the BW's kindness eventually wore her down. Long story short, BW ended up saving her M and the couple got a baby to boot. The OW realized that she'd never get the WH and that he really really loved his wife. She also realized that having an unplanned baby was not so attractive anymore. Chasing WS for support etc was not her cup of tea. So she gave them the baby. Now the couple (after IVF) have had quads. BW and her H have 5 kids, yet 3 years ago they had none!!! Please hang in there. Take it one day at a time.
Space Ritual Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 My husband moved out sept 22... we in the past week or so have talked and he came back to our apt. he got a text yesterday morning from a girl he had slept with 2 weeks after he moved out saying she was pregnant. it was a 1 night thing, to make it worse she lives 7 doors down from me!! and to make it even more worse, my husband and I are supposed to be going the invitro next week. Invitro because i had to have my tubes taken out. and we are trying to have our first baby and now my husband is expecting a child with my neighbor. He has begged me to forgive him swears he wants nothing to do with her. Our relationsip has been full of ups and downs but this is insane. idk if she really is pregnant or saw his car at my house all weekend and felt rejected.. or maybe im just in denial. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We have been together only 2.5 years, we are a military family, so now my husband is also scared of going to jail for adultry. with all the problems i have with having a baby i feel so empty knowing this girl is having my husbands baby... this is the worst feeling in the world. Wow, just wow...I am very sorry you are dealing with this. I had a friend of mine deal with this same thing this past year. The only difference was that it was my friend's wife who turned up pregnant by another man. Sadly she confessed to him 6 weeks before the birth she had a one night stand. So doing what he thought was best he decided he would stay with his wife until the birth and the paternity test, at that time he discovered he was not the father, could not come to grips with what his wife had done. and within another 6 weeks he filed for divorce and tossed her. I know you are in shock. I guess the first question would be that can you be sure this woman is pregnant? It may be in fact she is lying to try to keep your husband. That being said, I guess the struggle will be is that you know if this all turns out to be true that your neighbor will be in your life, in your business for at least the next 17-18 years. However if you believe your husband loves you and is capable of doing this I beg to differ that he loves you. I don't think anyone could fault you for walking away from your marriage. at any rate, please contact a lawyer and see what your options are. I know there may be an innocent child involved but you must still protect yourself first. I dont say that to be cruel but remember that if it is true you have no responsibilities over this child so you CAN walk away form this if you feel you have to. Good Luck:)
Space Ritual Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Ugh. I wouldn't be so sure this woman was just a one night stand. Seems your husband can't keep his zipper up and that should DEFINITELY be a consideration for you - because you'll be dealing with it again in the future. Secondly, I wouldn't have a puppy with your husband, much less a baby. He moved out the end of September and was having sex with the neighbor within a couple of weeks? I wouldn't be so sure there wasn't something going on with her long before he moved out. How attractive. Shows you how trust-worthy he is. You should seriously reconsider the baby thing. Seriously. I would have to concur with you. In my friend's case the ONS was actually revealed to be a 4 month affair
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