elfling Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Hi people I have been learning that men and women lie a lot in both online and offline dating. I have always been truthful but I feel it puts me at a disadvantage compared to the liars, especially since people have come to expect embellishment so much that when I tell them the truth, they assume it's an embellishment and the reality is lesser than the claim. I gave up on online dating in part because of the lie culture. For example I have an hourglass figure which I consider curvy, because it is. Like Kim Kardashian, it's female curves not overweight curves. But men assume I'm covering for being fat and when they see how I look, they say "Why did you label yourself curvy? You aren't overweight!" Apparently in online dating, "curvy" now means "overweight", and "overweight" means you need a forklift to be removed from your chair. I'm sick of meeting men and they turn out looking 10-20 years older than their photo. I hear men get similar bs from women who look much fatter or older than their photo. People also lie about their height, their job, and more. Then there is also the real world when you meet people in person. I have seen my friends lie about themselves to hot guys and I know men lie about lots of things to women. I am starting to be tempted to lie and I am not sure what to do. I don't want to give up my principles of honesty but people treat me as if I lied to them even though I didn't. People are so used to being lied to that they assume everything is an embellishment. I'm starting to wonder if there is any benefit to maintaining my honesty. The biggest thing I want to lie about is age. I look a lot younger than I am and could easily get away with lying about my age. Most other women tell me I should lie, but one of my friends who is very honest says it would be very bad because you can't have a relationship of trust that begins with a big lie. But I'm starting to think I can't have any relationship at all unless I lie, because I'm the most detested age of 40. Men are terrified of women my age because they fear we want to grab anyone with sperm to have a baby instead of choosing them for their unique qualities. That is not the case with me but the stereotype is strong and men avoid women my age like the plague but those age below 35 or over 50 can get men more easily I suspect. So I'm very tempted to lie. Will that ruin my chance to ever have a trusting relationship with the man I lied to? Is it immoral? One older woman said to me once, "a woman who tells her age can't be trusted with a secret." Her attitude makes honest women look like fools, even a traitor to the rest of womenkind. It is a strong contrast to the attitude of my honest friend. Am I a naive fool to be honest, letting all the liars take the great men, or am I being ethically correct? Are there even men who tell the truth anyway? Because if they lie to me then they aren't entitled to the truth anyway.
dasein Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 People suck. People lie constantly. Up to you whether you choose to be you or "people."
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Thanks for your input Dasein. 47 others read this post. Does anyone else have input? This issue has been at the back of my mind for a long time and I would love to hear other viewpoints.
phineas Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 A chick that's gotta lie about what she looks like online might be easier to get in bed on the first date. Ok, honestly, when I tell the truth people don't believe me so I find it easier to just let them believe what they want. Apparently i'm this attractive guy with a great personality who everyone thinks is out slaying chicks left & right & dating multiple women. Basically a player. The truth is I spend my weekends at home with my kids, I hardly ever go out & i'm so single my cell phone hasn't received a txt from anyone other than family & my ex-wife setting up kid exchanging locations & times. Nobody seems to believe i'm really kind of a boring guy who'd rather spend the evening cooking dinner with someone and enjoying the evening on the couch or taking a walk or something where it isn't too noisy or expensive. (divorce is a financial beyotch)
AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) I really think I can help you on this one... Advice... this is what I do. My online dating profile says "30" and at the end of my description of myself I added something like: "I am not actually 30- but every birthday from now on is my 30th birthday. And it isn't polite to ask a woman her age... so don't. My pictures are only 2 months old at most so look at my pictures and decide... all you need to be concerned with: I am pretty and of child bearing age. Nothing else matters... just a number." And then I don't tell them my age. They never seem to mind either. You should do it this way Hope it helps Here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/SmileSadPanda that's how I did it Edited November 2, 2011 by AngelTheSadPanda
westrock Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 The biggest thing I want to lie about is age. I have never understood this. If you lie about your age, and then enter into a relationship, how long are you planning to keep up this lie? Forever? So I'm very tempted to lie. Will that ruin my chance to ever have a trusting relationship with the man I lied to? Do you think you can have a trusting relationship with a man who has lied to you?
loversquarrel Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I equate lying with game playing. Its really a pain in the ass and it pisses me off because that time could have been spent meeting the "real" person, not what they made themselves out to be. I too have a real hard time dealing with that crap. The upside is that its obviously the best way to find out right away if your dealing with someone who has insecurity issues. I got duped by a girl I dated for quite awhile. I found out she was lying to me about some pretty serious stuff and when I did, I felt like an idiot and I thought, "do I even know who this person is???" When I asked her why she lied to me her reply was "because I want to be an interesting person." Don't sacrifice your honesty, its unattractive and you never know - You could end up meeting a great guy who thinks the same way I do, and if you lie to him he's going to think your an immature game player.
AHardDaysNight Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 It's very true that many people lie and deceive. I don't know the reason why this is.
BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 People lie online because they know the chances they'll actually meet the other person are slim. They take advantage of the opportunity to live out whatever fantasy they have for themselves...I personally don't get it/think it's pathetic.
BriannaClaire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Also found your post to be true elfling...I consider myself "curvy" (38-27-38) and get the same reaction when I use the term...I'm not very active online, but more so if I call myself that in person...same thing.
oaks Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I gave up on online dating in part because of the lie culture. For example I have an hourglass figure which I consider curvy, because it is. Like Kim Kardashian, it's female curves not overweight curves. But men assume I'm covering for being fat and when they see how I look, they say "Why did you label yourself curvy? You aren't overweight!" Apparently in online dating, "curvy" now means "overweight", and "overweight" means you need a forklift to be removed from your chair. Yes, for the most part it seems that women don't like saying in an what is essentially an advertisement to attract a man that they are fat or overweight so they say they are curvy. Quelle surprise. It it annoying when I want to find someone who fits your definition of curvy and I have to wade through all the "need a forklift" types. The best solution for you, since presumably you aren't ashamed of your body shape, is to have good photos that show those curves.
Leegh Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I would not lie about your age or about any other relevant information. If you do start dating someone, and you've lied about your age, etc., it will always be in the back of your mind. You sound like a very honest person, and I think honestly is the best policy. About ten years ago, I dated a man and he told me he had been married only once, then after several months, he told me he had been married three times, and I lost a lot of respect for him, for lying about something as important as prior marriages.
phineas Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I never lie about my age either. I'm proud of the fact i'm 40 & almost have a 6-pack. It makes me stand out where most men my age +/- 5 yrs are really out of shape.
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Thank so much to everyone for your input!! It is so cool to get a wide variety of opinions and advice. LS is great.
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Yes, for the most part it seems that women don't like saying in an what is essentially an advertisement to attract a man that they are fat or overweight so they say they are curvy. Quelle surprise. It it annoying when I want to find someone who fits your definition of curvy and I have to wade through all the "need a forklift" types. The best solution for you, since presumably you aren't ashamed of your body shape, is to have good photos that show those curves. Yes, true, but on the dating site I used it turned out men could filter search results by such labels, effectively eliminating my profile from their results list if they think curvy=fat. I did have a full body photo (clothed of course) on one of the secondary photos but used a facial photo for the profile main photo. Men who bothered to click through to see the body photo sometimes sent me a message just to make the comment I mentioned! LOL And then when I meet the men in person, sometimes they are shocked I actually look like my photo, because they assume it's an old photo and a 40 year old couldn't possibly look that good. Like one guy I scheduled to meet at a restaurant, and I texted him and called him telling him exactly where I was standing and what I was wearing. No one else was standing there or had any similar appearance. He came and stood right in front of me and I waved at him and he looked right at me, walked away to search for me in the downstairs area and then came back later and we were literally talking to each other on cell phones from one foot away facing each other before it dawned on him. His excuse for keeping me waiting for 10 minutes while he searched around the restaurant for me was that he couldn't believe the woman standing in the meeting spot was 39 (it was last year) and therefore couldn't believe I was the person he was meeting. But my photo showed exactly what I look like so he must have thought my photo was old. Now it's just a funny story to recollect. LOL
oaks Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Yes, true, but on the dating site I used it turned out men could filter search results by such labels, effectively eliminating my profile from their results list if they think curvy=fat. I did have a full body photo (clothed of course) on one of the secondary photos but used a facial photo for the profile main photo. Men who bothered to click through to see the body photo sometimes sent me a message just to make the comment I mentioned! LOL Then you'll have to describe yourself as "average".
zengirl Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't believe I lied in my OLD profile, nor did I feel the victim of lies from it more than maybe 1-2 times in quite a few 'meets' over the years and nothing recent. As to how often people lie, I don't feel anyone lies in OLD who wouldn't try to lie in other circumstances, really. Granted, some people look different from their pictures (I do, but I look better than them; I'm not photogenic at all, whereas I know girls who are devastatingly photogenic and not as pretty in person as well; it happens), but I don't encounter a lot of the stories you hear. As to lies in general, well, everyone lies, even those who try not to. Honesty is probably a central tenet of my life, and I still catch myself in an untruth occasionally. Sometimes you're lying to yourself too. C'est la vie.
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I really think I can help you on this one... Advice... this is what I do. My online dating profile says "30" and at the end of my description of myself I added something like: "I am not actually 30- but every birthday from now on is my 30th birthday. And it isn't polite to ask a woman her age... so don't. My pictures are only 2 months old at most so look at my pictures and decide... all you need to be concerned with: I am pretty and of child bearing age. Nothing else matters... just a number." And then I don't tell them my age. They never seem to mind either. You should do it this way Hope it helps Here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/SmileSadPanda that's how I did it You are clever Angel! Your method bypasses the dreaded age filter yet avoids lying, because you made it clear you're over 30 but prefer to keep your age private. And your technique will also expose the shallow men who didn't bother to read your profile before saying they like your profile. Thanks for the advice!
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I never lie about my age either. I'm proud of the fact i'm 40 & almost have a 6-pack. It makes me stand out where most men my age +/- 5 yrs are really out of shape. Good for you Phineas!
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I equate lying with game playing. Its really a pain in the ass and it pisses me off because that time could have been spent meeting the "real" person, not what they made themselves out to be. I too have a real hard time dealing with that crap. The upside is that its obviously the best way to find out right away if your dealing with someone who has insecurity issues. I got duped by a girl I dated for quite awhile. I found out she was lying to me about some pretty serious stuff and when I did, I felt like an idiot and I thought, "do I even know who this person is???" When I asked her why she lied to me her reply was "because I want to be an interesting person." Don't sacrifice your honesty, its unattractive and you never know - You could end up meeting a great guy who thinks the same way I do, and if you lie to him he's going to think your an immature game player. Sounds like a pathological liar with an overactive imagination. Maybe she should try becoming a fiction writer if she she loves interesting stories that much LOL.
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I don't believe I lied in my OLD profile, nor did I feel the victim of lies from it more than maybe 1-2 times in quite a few 'meets' over the years and nothing recent. As to how often people lie, I don't feel anyone lies in OLD who wouldn't try to lie in other circumstances, really. Granted, some people look different from their pictures (I do, but I look better than them; I'm not photogenic at all, whereas I know girls who are devastatingly photogenic and not as pretty in person as well; it happens), but I don't encounter a lot of the stories you hear. As to lies in general, well, everyone lies, even those who try not to. Honesty is probably a central tenet of my life, and I still catch myself in an untruth occasionally. Sometimes you're lying to yourself too. C'est la vie. Hmm. Yes maybe the people who claim they never lie are the biggest liars of all. Yes of course sometimes people accidentally let something slip that is less than fully honest about some silly little thing, but I'm talking about premeditated lies, especially about the major attributes that people use to filter and sort potential prospects. OKC did some statistical analysis proving the prevalence of lying. It's in one of the old OKTrends posts. I think you just haven't realized yet how much lying you've been subjected to.
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) I have never understood this. If you lie about your age, and then enter into a relationship, how long are you planning to keep up this lie? Forever? Do you think you can have a trusting relationship with a man who has lied to you? Well that's one of the reasons I have't faked my age yet. Just was having a time of temptation to fall to lesser ways and needed some support during this time of temptation. "I passed the the test. I will ... remain Galadriel." Galadriel, Elven ruler of Lothlórien From Lord of the Rings Edited November 2, 2011 by elfling
OliveOyl Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I have learned over the past several years that many people, if not most people do lie. From little "lies" such as altering one's age on an online profile to big mega lies such as saying one is from a different country than they really are. I prefer to be honest, in addition to ethical implications, because frankly, lying takes more energy. More energy to create the wall of illusion and maintain various stories. Having something to hide means you always have to have some kind of guard up. There's nothing more relieving than NOT having anything to hide.
Author elfling Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I have learned over the past several years that many people, if not most people do lie. From little "lies" such as altering one's age on an online profile to big mega lies such as saying one is from a different country than they really are. I prefer to be honest, in addition to ethical implications, because frankly, lying takes more energy. More energy to create the wall of illusion and maintain various stories. Having something to hide means you always have to have some kind of guard up. There's nothing more relieving than NOT having anything to hide. Indeed the stress from all the lying will catch up to them and make them age faster because stress accelerates aging. Nice to think my youthfulness could be a karmic reward for a virtue. Nice guys/gals finish last... because they're the only ones left standing to finish.
AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You are clever Angel! Your method bypasses the dreaded age filter yet avoids lying, because you made it clear you're over 30 but prefer to keep your age private. And your technique will also expose the shallow men who didn't bother to read your profile before saying they like your profile. Thanks for the advice! You're welcome!
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