OWs have emotional issues!!

[MissBee]

Generally, I'd say the OP's are vulnerable to an affair for some reason. If they weren't, they wouldn't actually be interested in miring themselves in an affair. There is a need the affair fills, and if that is for "love", then something is "off kilter" if the OP is believing that the best "love" they can have in their lives is with a MP.

 

Are there other, deeper issues? Maybe. But thinking that a MP is a good bet for love and romance is a sign of confusion, to say the least.

 

I agree with the bolded especially!

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Generally, I'd say the OP's are vulnerable to an affair for some reason. If they weren't, they wouldn't actually be interested in miring themselves in an affair. There is a need the affair fills, and if that is for "love", then something is "off kilter" if the OP is believing that the best "love" they can have in their lives is with a MP.

 

Are there other, deeper issues? Maybe. But thinking that a MP is a good bet for love and romance is a sign of confusion, to say the least.

 

Not every OP engages in an A looking for love and romance. Not every OP is looking for love or romance. And not every "mires" themselves in their A. Some just enjoy it for what it is.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

They couldn't? That's too bad.

 

Not really. False diagnosis and inventing issues that are not there would cost them their registration, so I'm sure they're happier to diagnose correctly and factually instead of chasing paranoid delusions.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

So true. Some things don't require a degree in psychology.

 

Only an internet connection and a great deal of self-belief

[Elizabeth Southerns]

So you asserting that it's an anonymous board but also asserting that people have no training in the field, makes no sense, as you don't know what people's real life training and professions are

 

You haven't read the thread about the "insecurity of the internet"??? :eek:

[norajane]

Not every OP engages in an A looking for love and romance. Not every OP is looking for love or romance. And not every "mires" themselves in their A. Some just enjoy it for what it is.

 

Yes, that is why I specified the love and romance part.

 

I was not speaking of other types of affairs.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Yes, that is why I specified the love and romance part.

 

I was not speaking of other types of affairs.

 

Sorry for misunderstanding. I read your post in the context of the surrounding posts, which were making more sweeping claims than yours. I should not have tarred your post with that same brush.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry for misunderstanding. I read your post in the context of the surrounding posts, which were making more sweeping claims than yours. I should not have tarred your post with that same brush.

 

 

:laugh::laugh:...................................

[donnamaybe]

:laugh::laugh:...................................

 

I know! :lmao:o

[donnamaybe]

Not every OP engages in an A looking for love and romance. Not every OP is looking for love or romance.

So true. Some are just looking for a green card.

[bentnotbroken]

So true. Some are just looking for a green card.

 

 

I know right. :lmao:

[Spark1111]

Generally, I'd say the OP's are vulnerable to an affair for some reason. If they weren't, they wouldn't actually be interested in miring themselves in an affair. There is a need the affair fills, and if that is for "love", then something is "off kilter" if the OP is believing that the best "love" they can have in their lives is with a MP.

 

Are there other, deeper issues? Maybe. But thinking that a MP is a good bet for love and romance is a sign of confusion, to say the least.

 

I think it is a huge sign of insecurity at the most and tell characteristic of those who either do not believe they deserve more or are incapable of true intimacy.

 

When you are single and date single men you can be rejected constantly and never know why. He just stops calling.

 

When you begin to engage with a MM, you have the perfect excuse: Well of course he didn't reject me personally, he was married and had to return to his wife and kids. You never risk rejection of you personally. The rejection is related to his marital and familial status. The perfect out.

 

Those who just want anonymous sex with MM are about empowerment; that's a whole different animal.

[spice4life]

How about the MM/MW affair? Talk about emotional issues...shooo! The single OW issues pale in comparison to their issues. While a single OW may have issues that lead to being involved in an affair, they are completely different than the issues of a MM/MW affair.

[OpenBook]

I'm a little puzzled by all the theories being postulated in this thread about a typical OW's emotional state and the reasons why she's participating in an A. They don't fit with real life. Not anything close to what I've seen & experienced anyway. Most OWs would really prefer NOT to be attracted to somebody as complicated as a MM. They get involved with him IN SPITE OF his marital status, not BECAUSE of it.

 

Bottom line - the heart wants what it wants, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You can control your own behavior and choices, sure. But you can't control what your heart really wants.

 

So no, I don't think that in general OWs have emotional issues. At least, not any more than the average garden-variety married woman or single woman who isn't involved in an A.

 

Cupid doesn't check in with the Morality Police before he shoots that little arrow.

[Severely Unamused]

Most of the OWs I know IRL are straight.

Different social circles. Many of the OWs that I know of aren't purely hetero.

 

Those who just want anonymous sex with MM are about empowerment; that's a whole different animal.

Empowerment? What about the horny ones?

[MissBee]

. Most OWs would really prefer NOT to be attracted to somebody as complicated as a MM. They get involved with him IN SPITE OF his marital status, not BECAUSE of it.

 

Bottom line - the heart wants what it wants, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You can control your own behavior and choices, sure. But you can't control what your heart really wants.

 

So no, I don't think that in general OWs have emotional issues. At least, not any more than the average garden-variety married woman or single woman who isn't involved in an A.

 

Cupid doesn't check in with the Morality Police before he shoots that little arrow.

 

I think that's the point...

 

"Your heart" wants what it wants and usually what your heart wants directly aligns with your emotional landscape and whatever issues you may or may not have.

 

It's not necessarily about deliberately choosing certain things...we should know by now that human beings are complex and a large chunk of our actions and behaviors are controlled by subconscious motivations and issues....sooo not because one is saying one is doing something in spite of X or for whatever reason means they are or that's the end of it. That's why we have psychology...as it became apparent that there is more to behavior and actions than meet the eye, especially when said behavior is controversial or contradictory.

 

Your assumption seems to be that all behavior is straight forward but sorry that doesn't make sense in real life....

[findingnemo]

I think it is a huge sign of insecurity at the most and tell characteristic of those who either do not believe they deserve more or are incapable of true intimacy.

 

When you are single and date single men you can be rejected constantly and never know why. He just stops calling.

 

When you begin to engage with a MM, you have the perfect excuse: Well of course he didn't reject me personally, he was married and had to return to his wife and kids. You never risk rejection of you personally. The rejection is related to his marital and familial status. The perfect out.

 

Those who just want anonymous sex with MM are about empowerment; that's a whole different animal.

 

Spark, this is true in some cases. But in many there is no active search for unavailable partners who are M. There are many unavailable single people in the world -the commitment phobic come to mind. There may be some OW who go as far as targeting MMs but most OWs "find" themselves in an A. At the beginning, they must decide how to proceed and usually take the M status into account. But we must remember that MPs are also quite convincing and convinced in that moment that their Ms are over or ending.

 

Do we ignore the WS' role in creating a false sense of security for the AP in all this?

[woinlove]

I'm a little puzzled by all the theories being postulated in this thread about a typical OW's emotional state and the reasons why she's participating in an A. They don't fit with real life. Not anything close to what I've seen & experienced anyway. Most OWs would really prefer NOT to be attracted to somebody as complicated as a MM. They get involved with him IN SPITE OF his marital status, not BECAUSE of it.

 

Bottom line - the heart wants what it wants, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You can control your own behavior and choices, sure. But you can't control what your heart really wants.

 

So no, I don't think that in general OWs have emotional issues. At least, not any more than the average garden-variety married woman or single woman who isn't involved in an A.

 

Cupid doesn't check in with the Morality Police before he shoots that little arrow.

 

Some people claim they couldn't resist getting involving with their sister's H, their son's W, their best friend's spouse, etc., whereas others really cross those people completely off their list for potential love interests from the get go because their R with their their sister, son, best friend is so important to them. One may even have felt an initial spark on meeting them, but they turned it completely into this is my sister's love and basically killed that spark going anywhere.

 

Some cross married people off their list completely. Other's don't. Since people have a tendency to fall in love with someone in close proximity, we'd see even more in-law/best friend's spouse affairs if everyone operated under the premise that wherever Cupid sends us, we might as well go.

 

I think there is something useful to be learned to examine why we decided to go for it with a MM/MW, when others would have felt the same spark and said no way.

[donnamaybe]

I'm a little puzzled by all the theories being postulated in this thread about a typical OW's emotional state and the reasons why she's participating in an A. They don't fit with real life. Not anything close to what I've seen & experienced anyway. Most OWs would really prefer NOT to be attracted to somebody as complicated as a MM. They get involved with him IN SPITE OF his marital status, not BECAUSE of it.

 

Bottom line - the heart wants what it wants, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You can control your own behavior and choices, sure. But you can't control what your heart really wants.

 

So no, I don't think that in general OWs have emotional issues. At least, not any more than the average garden-variety married woman or single woman who isn't involved in an A.

 

Cupid doesn't check in with the Morality Police before he shoots that little arrow.

 

I disagree that it is one's heart that causes a person to get involved with a MP. Most people know the person is M, so how can it be their heart that "forces" them into an A. In the case of a lying cheater (is there any other kind?) there may be an issue where the OP gets to know more than just how they look, but the percentage is small, according to this forum and the examples I know of IRL.

What is it then when the main known qualities are a) appearance and b) married? I have my theories. lol

[bentnotbroken]

Oh my goodness. To me that signifies major emotional problems. That someone would engage in an affair just for the fun of it. For pure pleasure knowing all the while that their little pleasure is causing pain to another person and innocent children and not caring at all sounds like a mental illness to me.

 

How does one take joy from an activity that they knowingly cause another immense pain?

 

 

According to the DSM-IV, a lot of people do this for varying reasons.

[Spark1111]

Spark, this is true in some cases. But in many there is no active search for unavailable partners who are M. There are many unavailable single people in the world -the commitment phobic come to mind. There may be some OW who go as far as targeting MMs but most OWs "find" themselves in an A. At the beginning, they must decide how to proceed and usually take the M status into account. But we must remember that MPs are also quite convincing and convinced in that moment that their Ms are over or ending.

 

Do we ignore the WS' role in creating a false sense of security for the AP in all this?

 

Ahhh, FN, we never ignore the WS's role in this......Unfortunately, the adage, "If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else" is a very, very true statement when it comes to WSs.

 

The greater question is Why did I choose this?

 

No one finds themself in an affair. Believe it or not, it doesn't JUST happen. Everyone takes a million little steps to fuel an attraction to a partner still committed to another.

 

Why?

 

Therein lies the emotional issues or emotional vulnerability.

[Spark1111]

Some people claim they couldn't resist getting involving with their sister's H, their son's W, their best friend's spouse, etc., whereas others really cross those people completely off their list for potential love interests from the get go because their R with their their sister, son, best friend is so important to them. One may even have felt an initial spark on meeting them, but they turned it completely into this is my sister's love and basically killed that spark going anywhere.

 

Some cross married people off their list completely. Other's don't. Since people have a tendency to fall in love with someone in close proximity, we'd see even more in-law/best friend's spouse affairs if everyone operated under the premise that wherever Cupid sends us, we might as well go.

 

I think there is something useful to be learned to examine why we decided to go for it with a MM/MW, when others would have felt the same spark and said no way.

 

Thank you for this!

 

It happens all the time. In the very best relationships they discuss it and forge a plan to protect the relationship with boundaries.

 

Imagine that?

[donnamaybe]

Ahhh, FN, we never ignore the WS's role in this......Unfortunately, the adage, "If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else" is a very, very true statement when it comes to WSs.

 

The greater question is Why did I choose this?

 

No one finds themself in an affair. Believe it or not, it doesn't JUST happen. Everyone takes a million little steps to fuel an attraction to a partner still committed to another.

 

Why?

 

Therein lies the emotional issues or emotional vulnerability.

That's why I don't ascribe to the old "the heart wants what the heart wants" notion. You don't even KNOW that person except for the fact that they're married and you are attracted to their outside. Unless you base love on something as shallow as physical appearance alone, you cannot POSSIBLY love someone until you come to know who they are as a person. That takes awhile, so no. It isn't the heart that brings about the choice to engage in an A.

[mzdolphin]

That's why I don't ascribe to the old "the heart wants what the heart wants" notion. You don't even KNOW that person except for the fact that they're married and you are attracted to their outside. Unless you base love on something as shallow as physical appearance alone, you cannot POSSIBLY love someone until you come to know who they are as a person. That takes awhile, so no. It isn't the heart that brings about the choice to engage in an A.

 

I can't imagine knowing someone is married and entering a relationship with them. I didn't know my guy was married and entered into a relationship with him because we had a past. In fact I ran into another old boyfriend who I had been crazy about and even though he appeared to be "making a move", letting me know his wife travels all the time, etc. I wasn't even the slightest interested. Thinking, he's married.

 

It was a real struggle to get out of the relationship with my ex-married man because I had become so emotionally vested in the relationship. I know I would haven't dated him if I knew he was still married. He knew that too, that's why he claimed to be divorced.

[VivienViolet]

According to the DSM-IV, a lot of people do this for varying reasons.

 

I was talking to my therapist yesterday about this site and anti-social behavior in general. We discussed how pursuing a married person based on their marital status might be considered anti-social behavior. You're right. Anti-social behavior is linked to personality disorders.

 

I think it's unfair to say that people who go for married men are anti-social, especially any OW being alluded to here. Some OW have been hurt so deeply in childhood, that they compensate with false bravado. If you knew them in real life, you would see a different person than you see here. It's very obvious that she's been hurt in the past and has some serious emotional scars because of it.

 

I had emotional issues when I was in my EA. There is no shame in saying it. People shouldn't be ashamed to say they have problems, because admitting to them is the first step in correcting them.