OWs have emotional issues!!

[skywriter]

But don't you want to know why?

 

It's easy to say "Oh, well. I don't know why I did that", but that attitude just sets you up for more "I don't know why I did that" choices.

 

 

Yes, I absolutely do want to know why I did that. I do have my theories and have mentioned them in many post.

[Quiet Storm]

First off, I get highly annoyed at this assumption it is a MM/OW pair. Affairs are also MW/OM, MM/MW, etc. Defaulting to MM/OW seems to always keep the OW in a submissive or subordinate role which I don't agree with. There is as much to do about the male in the scenerio as the female. And in many cases the female is also married and the male may or may not be.

 

Also, why is there only discussion of the OW in the equation? Going with this theory she is the "less" offender. By that I mean she isn't married, did not take vows with anyone, and is not necessarily being untrue to anyone in her life. Why not discuss the WS?

 

Sorry if you're highly annoyed, but the poster's question/title "OW have emotional issues!" was specific to the OW, so that is why I answered that way.

 

WS has character issues, as well.

 

"Why does anyone do anything that is potentially harmful to themselves or others?"

 

Because humans do that, to some degree, all the time. We weigh the pros and cons and act accordingly. We do this in the name of many things, love, war, power, perceived good. Shoot, throughout history some of the greatest travesty against mankind has been done in the name of religion.

 

Of course, there will always be humans that do bad things and are selfish. However, it's not just about others. It's also about self. It's about going against your values, which creates so much inner conflict. For many OW, it seems like an internal struggle...not wanting to be in an "affair", but continuing nonetheless. It seems that many OW push down their "this is wrong for me" warning bells, and I think that hurts them. They aren't loving themselves or protecting themselves.

 

And as for religion, I totally agree. (I'm not a believer)

 

Do you talk on the phone while driving? Do you text and drive? Do you ever have one drink and get behind the wheel? Do you ever lie? Do you ever sky dive? Do you ride a motorcyle?

 

Taking risks can put oneself and/or others in harms way. Is the collateral damage worth it? Well that really depends on the individuals involved and the outcome. Obviously degrees are very different in these scenarios but they can be similar. A mother of a child who is killed by an inattentive driver may have the same comments on character, integrity, and "goodness" of the individual. How their lack of concern of behavior can have such grave consequences.

 

Sure there are people that take risks, but most are not internally conflicted about riding a motorcycle (like OW are about their affairs).

 

If the person was riding a motorcycle 90 miles and hour, without a helmet, on an icy road...yes I think that person has issues because they are self-destructive. They don't care what happens to them, or what happens to others because of their actions. That says "emotional issues" to me.

 

If they don't want to die or hurt others, but ride recklessly anyway, then they are in denial. That says "emotional issues" to me.

 

The emotional issues that I think many OW have are not about risk taking.

 

I think it is more about cognitive dissonance. It seems that many OW feel one way (not wanting to be cheated on, not wanting to share their man, not wanting to lie, not wanting to hide), but act in ways that are directly opposite from their feelings an beliefs.

 

So you have someone that doesn't want to be cheated on, in a relationship with a cheater. Someone that hates sharing their man, in a relationship with a man that has a wife. Someone that doesn't want to lie, covering up the fact their their boyfriend is married to their parents or friends. Someone that doesn't want to hide, sneaking moments in cars, parking lots and hotel rooms.

 

So IMO, there are two possibilities when someone does that. 1) OW is in constant battle with her conscience or 2) OW is in denial

 

Yes having an affair can be a great opportunity to reflect on oneself. I don't disagree with that at all and always supporting therapy. But that does not mean that everyone in every affair in every situation is in an unhealthy situation. And that certainly does not mean that ever woman involved in an affair has pyschological issues that need professional help.

 

How is an affair healthy?

[norajane]

I certainly had issues. Combination of intimacy issues with some commitment issues. That's why I was always falling for unsuitable men - geographically undesirable, age inappropriate, emotionally unavailable, married - and had no interest in the more suitable men.

 

None of those unsuitable men were likely to require of me the kind of intimacy and commitment that a more suitable man would, so I could love really hard while deep down I knew those relationships wouldn't require me to face up to my issues and deal with them.

 

Most of this was subconscious, of course. It's not like I deliberately planned who I was interested in. But once I did see the pattern, I had to face myself in the mirror. It was amazing how my tastes in men changed once I recognized what I was doing and why I was making the choices I was making in my life.

 

I'm still working on it, but I'm hella healthier emotionally than I used to be and have ZERO interest in the unsuitable men I used to meet around every corner. Don't even notice them anymore.

 

So, for me, it was true that my issues made me vulnerable to bad choices in men. Could I have had these issues and not made bad choices? Perhaps. But I'm not so enlightened as that, and am still a work in progress.

[MissBee]

I certainly had issues. Combination of intimacy issues with some commitment issues. That's why I was always falling for unsuitable men - geographically undesirable, age inappropriate, emotionally unavailable, married - and had no interest in the more suitable men.

 

None of those unsuitable men were likely to require of me the kind of intimacy and commitment that a more suitable man would, so I could love really hard while deep down I knew those relationships wouldn't require me to face up to my issues and deal with them.

 

Most of this was subconscious, of course. It's not like I deliberately planned who I was interested in. But once I did see the pattern, I had to face myself in the mirror. It was amazing how my tastes in men changed once I recognized what I was doing and why I was making the choices I was making in my life.

 

I'm still working on it, but I'm hella healthier emotionally than I used to be and have ZERO interest in the unsuitable men I used to meet around every corner. Don't even notice them anymore.

So, for me, it was true that my issues made me vulnerable to bad choices in men. Could I have had these issues and not made bad choices? Perhaps. But I'm not so enlightened as that, and am still a work in progress.

 

I completely relate to that...

 

And while it is possible that some people who choose As often or some kind of unavailable scenario often are perfectly fine...I'd wager that, although it may not be immediately apparent or conscious and while they may feel like positive experiences happen in those cases, they still are probably acting out of a certain kind of mindset related to similar types of issues.

[MissBee]

Sorry if you're highly annoyed, but the poster's question/title "OW have emotional issues!" was specific to the OW, so that is why I answered that way.

 

WS has character issues, as well.

 

 

 

Of course, there will always be humans that do bad things and are selfish. However, it's not just about others. It's also about self. It's about going against your values, which creates so much inner conflict. For many OW, it seems like an internal struggle...not wanting to be in an "affair", but continuing nonetheless. It seems that many OW push down their "this is wrong for me" warning bells, and I think that hurts them. They aren't loving themselves or protecting themselves.

 

And as for religion, I totally agree. (I'm not a believer)

 

 

 

Sure there are people that take risks, but most are not internally conflicted about riding a motorcycle (like OW are about their affairs).

 

If the person was riding a motorcycle 90 miles and hour, without a helmet, on an icy road...yes I think that person has issues because they are self-destructive. They don't care what happens to them, or what happens to others because of their actions. That says "emotional issues" to me.

 

If they don't want to die or hurt others, but ride recklessly anyway, then they are in denial. That says "emotional issues" to me.

 

The emotional issues that I think many OW have are not about risk taking.

I think it is more about cognitive dissonance. It seems that many OW feel one way (not wanting to be cheated on, not wanting to share their man, not wanting to lie, not wanting to hide), but act in ways that are directly opposite from their feelings an beliefs.

 

So you have someone that doesn't want to be cheated on, in a relationship with a cheater. Someone that hates sharing their man, in a relationship with a man that has a wife. Someone that doesn't want to lie, covering up the fact their their boyfriend is married to their parents or friends. Someone that doesn't want to hide, sneaking moments in cars, parking lots and hotel rooms.

 

So IMO, there are two possibilities when someone does that. 1) OW is in constant battle with her conscience or 2) OW is in denial

 

 

 

How is an affair healthy?

 

To the bolded: I would like for someone to come up with a reasoned explanation fort that; particularly in conjunction with the idea that an affair can be healthy.

 

And in any case, if affairs can be healthy....would anyone argue that most are? If the answer is, no, but a few are healthy...why does that matter? In terms of, I do not really see the point in arguing for or reminding people about the minority outcomes. And I laugh as I say this, as in other areas of life I'd have an opposite reaction....but what I mean is, if those in the minority with healthy affairs are happy and healthy then there is no problem right? They are certainly not perturbed about the matter one bit....so what use is it to discuss that group? The group being discussed is the other group that is showing that cognitive dissonance and are perturbed by the situation.

[findingnemo]

OWs have emotional issues just like everybody else. Some more than others. For those who go into As because of their emotional issues, I guess they can search and find a reason why. What about those who don't have any emotional issues? Why does it seem like there's a blanket assumption that something is psychologically wrong with an OW?

 

It is the generalization that I don't like. It's not that simple an explanation. If it were then it would follow that all women who have emotional issues engage in As. We know that that's not true. Whatever emotional issues we have manifest themselves in different ways. Also the term "emotional issues" is the same as psychological problems IMO.

 

The distinction of ONS from long term A as one being a mistake and the other being a choice is true. I can't call my being in a long A a mistake. I chose to be in it, just like I chose to get out. But is a wrong choice a manifestation of a psychological problem? It is a manifestation of human nature. We make wrong choices consciously and unconsciously. It's like taking drugs or even smoking. We know it's wrong and yet we do it the first time, the second time, then boom...we're addicted. Can we stop? Yes, we can and many people do. But when someone continues smoking, do we say they have emotional issues, psychological problems? When someone is a drug addict, do we say that they had issues that lead them to taking drugs?

 

I don't like the way we (society) has started using "emotional issues" as a fallback position. I feel that those saying OWs have them are oversimplifying things so that they can put people in a box. What happens if OWs begin to use the same excuse? I'm sure it won't fly at all.

[no expectations]

I think it's about character.

 

I believe that our true character shows in times of conflict or crisis. Not happiness. Character is what we do when nobody's watching.

 

A person with a strong character would not make self destructive choices in times of happiness OR crisis.

 

A person with good character is honest, knows right from wrong, respects others, has self control.

 

Many OW say that their affair is something so out of character for them. But that's the thing...someone with a good, strong character would not allow their emotions to override their sense of right of right and wrong. Continually.

 

People can make mistakes, but a person with strong character learns from them. They can get caught up in a moment and cross a boundary, but they self-correct and self-protect.

 

For example, say a woman has a little too much champange at the company party and her married coworker begins flirting with her and says some sexual things to her.

 

A person with strong character would likely think "he's married"and politely remind him of that, while also letting him know that you won't cross that boundary "Hmmm, what would your wife think of that?" She would walk away feeling disrespected (because he actually thought she'd be willing) and keep her distance from MM in the future.

 

A person with weak character would enjoy the attention and flirt back. Intellectually, she knows that she doesn't want to be cheated on, that she would not like her husband flirting with other women, but she will disregard those thoughts and feel flattered by the attention. The desire to feel good, to be loved and wanted overrides her beliefs and values.

 

So in that sense, I do believe OW to be weak.

 

I'm not saying that OW are bad people, but character is based upon what you do. Not what you wish to be. Not what you think you are. Not what you used to be. Not how you will be in the future. A person's actions tell the story of who they are.

 

JMO.

 

Sorry if this has been asked...I have only read up to this post in the thread. Would you say the same about the wayward spouse in the relationship with the OM/OW? Do you believe them to be weak in overall character as well? They made a decision every single day to make a poor choice as well.

 

edit...oops...excuse the ring:) I just read the whole thread and you addressed this. thanks!

Edited November 2, 2011 by no expectations
read the whole thread

[Spark1111]

Sorry if this has been asked...I have only read up to this post in the thread. Would you say the same about the wayward spouse in the relationship with the OM/OW? Do you believe them to be weak in overall character as well? They made a decision every single day to make a poor choice as well.

 

edit...oops...excuse the ring:) I just read the whole thread and you addressed this. thanks!

 

Of course they do! Can anything be potentially more self-destructive to their spouse, their family, their assets, their legacy, their reputation than having a secret affair?

 

I feel for the OW/OM who does not see, hear, witness the intensive therapy, the tears, the depression, the suicidal ideation of a WS after DDay. They believe he returns unaccountable to his family and his life while they are left to grieve alone.

 

That may be true in some cases, but not all. The WS becomes the focus of the sessions with professionals who first must win their trust before the layers can be peeled back to discover the underlying issues.

 

And that is what is said over and over again; he could have been honest with his spouse, separated, attended MC to see if their was a relationship worth salvaging while exploring his feelings for another and allowing his spouse to do the same.

 

As hurtful as that might have been, he would not have lost the respect of family, friends, colleagues, his spouse and his children.

 

If he meets someone and is out the door within 3 to 6 months and marries his partner soon after the divorce, than I would have to assume that is the very rare exit affair and he does not have emotional issues. He took action to resolve them.

[OpenBook]

OK, so if it's "all about character" and engaging in an A = "choosing self-destructive behavior"... then I would say there are DEFINITELY some "pathological issues" with a BS who would choose someone like her cheating H as a life partner in the first place.

 

There's plenty of that finger-pointing stuff to go around.

[jlola]

OK, so if it's "all about character" and engaging in an A = "choosing self-destructive behavior"... then I would say there are DEFINITELY some "pathological issues" with a BS who would choose someone like her cheating H as a life partner in the first place.

 

There's plenty of that finger-pointing stuff to go around.

 

Some people are great at hiding who they really are until a time of crisis comes along. I am sure there are red flags for BS's. But I think most WS's are great at treating their spouses well and convincing them they are true-blue till affair partners come around. Then their evil twin comes along and spouse gets treated badly.

 

 

I have seen my sister do that to new potential mate. She is loving,sweet. But when she meets affair partner her selfish sides comes around. My mother swears my father was great when they married.

 

I began to read about personality disorders and I do feel my father has narcissm. Which I read do a great job at hiding true self initially. Both my sisters who cheat are extremely selfish. I think when that side of a person comes out,whether the BS or the OM/OM you need to really question the behavior.

 

There are many people who are very selfish,codependent,narcissistic,sociopaths,passive-aggressive,bi-polar,borderline personalities etc. Coincidentally one of the symptoms for all of this is infidelity is prevalent with these types.

 

I often wonder why my mother stayed once the mask was off and she truly saw the nature of the beast.

[Quiet Storm]

OK, so if it's "all about character" and engaging in an A = "choosing self-destructive behavior"... then I would say there are DEFINITELY some "pathological issues" with a BS who would choose someone like her cheating H as a life partner in the first place.

 

Most BS don't knowingly marry a cheater. It's not a choice they make. They aren't willingly participating.

 

But most OW would marry their MM.

 

However, if a BS is hurt by her WS cheating, and stays with him if he continues to cheat...she has issues.

 

But many times BS reasons for staying married, although unhealthy, aren't selfish. Many mom's would take a bullet for their child, and staying in a broken marriage is just a different kind of bullet.

 

WS definitely has issues. If my H were to cheat, he would have to seriously address those issues, and the issues in our marriage, before I would consider reconciling.

[bentnotbroken]

Most BS don't knowingly marry a cheater. It's not a choice they make. They aren't willingly participating.

 

But most OW would marry their MM.

 

However, if a BS is hurt by her WS cheating, and stays with him if he continues to cheat...she has issues.

 

But many times BS reasons for staying married, although unhealthy, aren't selfish. Many mom's would take a bullet for their child, and staying in a broken marriage is just a different kind of bullet.

 

WS definitely has issues. If my H were to cheat, he would have to seriously address those issues, and the issues in our marriage, before I would consider reconciling.

 

 

I met a man, fell in love with him and married him. He didn't have a special birthmark, tattoo, or stamp that said,

 

" I will make your life hell by cheating on you and hiding it so that I can have my cake and eat it too. "

 

There was nothing pathological in any of my choices. I knew he wasn't married when I agreed to marry him. If I had been an OW, I would have known that I was marrying someone otherwise involved.

 

This does not mean I think that AP are anymore "pathological(though I believe that some of us do have to deal with that issue)than anyone else.

[MissBee]

OK, so if it's "all about character" and engaging in an A = "choosing self-destructive behavior"... then I would say there are DEFINITELY some "pathological issues" with a BS who would choose someone like her cheating H as a life partner in the first place.

 

There's plenty of that finger-pointing stuff to go around.

 

 

I do in fact believe how some people choose their marriage partners is based also on issues....

 

Marriage doesn't make bad relationships and improper matches or issues go away. So indeed some people do marry off people who are emotionally unavailable, have bad coping skills, are abusive, are narcissistic, codependent or otherwise reflect some issue they and/or that person have.

 

No one is exempt. Affairs are but one type of dubious relationship...marriages and regular non-A relationships aren't good just because they aren't As. It's just that with many As what makes it not good is more readily apparent in its nature.

[LifesontheUp]

at having an entire class of people dismissed by someone without the qualifications or the information to do so, as "inherently pathological" - yes, I think that warrants anger.

 

If an OW were to post that all BWs were "inherently pathological" I'm sure they'd get a similar response.

 

 

 

I wasn't the one claiming omniscience. I was merely pointing out that the claims of omniscience were ill-founded.

 

 

 

What if it isn't hurtful to them? What if it is good for them, or neutral for them? Without knowing every person's individual circumstances, no one can make the claim that it is NECESSARILY hurtful to everyone. Which was my point. The claim is ill-founded and based on ignorance.

 

 

 

 

*If* it was hurtful to them, perhaps. However, there was no "if" in the original claim - the claim was that it WAS hurtful to them, and that they WERE pathological. (Which was the phrase used).

 

 

 

 

I have never claimed my experience to be universal. I have never denied that for some, the experience is (or can be) negative. I have never claimed that my experiences are more valid than anyone else's.

 

But they are EQUALLY valid.

 

Talking about pathological, I am wondering why someone posts a couple days back using their well known name on this forum. Then switches to the new name they registered a couple months ago to post this.

[findingnemo]

I do in fact believe how some people choose their marriage partners is based also on issues....

 

Marriage doesn't make bad relationships and improper matches or issues go away. So indeed some people do marry off people who are emotionally unavailable, have bad coping skills, are abusive, are narcissistic, codependent or otherwise reflect some issue they and/or that person have.

 

No one is exempt. Affairs are but one type of dubious relationship...marriages and regular non-A relationships aren't good just because they aren't As. It's just that with many As what makes it not good is more readily apparent in its nature.

 

This is so true! Some people have emotional issues that lead them to make dubious choices whether it's a dubious M or R or an A.

 

Many people are also just plain materialistic. They'll get into Rs so that they gain financially. Ms, Rs and As.

 

Then there are those who are naive or innocent and fall prey to schemers.

 

I think that we all make mistakes and bad judgements at times in our lives. We must ask ourselves what led us to this. Was it circumstances for example being an employee whose boss hits on her/him and can't afford to lose that particular job? That's a financial issue. Was it a mid-life crisis that led to a WH having an A or buying a corvette when he shouldn't? That's pschological but there is scientific evidence that the mind at a certain age will trip you up for some.

 

When we make mistakes, we must first acknowledge that what we did was the wrong thing. Only then can we begin to examine why we did it. For me to say I had an A because I have emotional issues would be a lie and a cop out. But I can't dispute that I developed emotional issues as a result of being in a situation that I chose and that went against what I believed. When I started to ask why I was doing this, I found myself acknowledging that I'd made a very big mistake not fighting for my love early on. The regret was terrible but I made matters worse when I decided that no matter what love was a valid reason to be with xMM. What issues did I have? I was naive and didn't know or accept that sometimes you just have to let go. As I grew older and wiser it became clear to me that a) he had made his choice, B) I had missed my chance to have him all to myself years before and C) the A was a false bandaid - the little happiness I got from it was overshadowed by the guilt, shame and the sheer hopelessness of the situation. At that point, it became easy as pie for me to end it and with it any emotional issues I'd developed as a result of cognitive dissonance.

[26pointblue]

I can only speak for myself - I had huge emotional issues when I was an OW. It was only by working on my own issues that I could un-entangle myself from that situation. I am STILL working on my emotional issues; it's probably a life-long process. :-/

 

I do see myself, or portions of my past self, in many posts here. I think often OWs do have emtional issues & that many start to realize it themselves. So I don't really take it as an insult [althought it obviously depends on the context of how it's said].

 

In examining my issues & working on myself, I began to see that it wasn't normal or desirable for a smart, pretty, successful, caring single woman like myself to allow myself to fall for someone married with kids. It was a dead-end street [iMO, even if we had 'worked out', I deserved better!], & I think I was on it b/c I was unhappy with myself & my life. I didn't see myself as all of those good things I really was, & as someone worthy of exclusive & real love. So, yeah, I had big issues.

[26pointblue]

This is so true! Some people have emotional issues that lead them to make dubious choices whether it's a dubious M or R or an A.

 

Many people are also just plain materialistic. They'll get into Rs so that they gain financially. Ms, Rs and As.

 

Then there are those who are naive or innocent and fall prey to schemers.

 

I think that we all make mistakes and bad judgements at times in our lives. We must ask ourselves what led us to this. Was it circumstances for example being an employee whose boss hits on her/him and can't afford to lose that particular job? That's a financial issue. Was it a mid-life crisis that led to a WH having an A or buying a corvette when he shouldn't? That's pschological but there is scientific evidence that the mind at a certain age will trip you up for some.

 

When we make mistakes, we must first acknowledge that what we did was the wrong thing. Only then can we begin to examine why we did it. For me to say I had an A because I have emotional issues would be a lie and a cop out. But I can't dispute that I developed emotional issues as a result of being in a situation that I chose and that went against what I believed. When I started to ask why I was doing this, I found myself acknowledging that I'd made a very big mistake not fighting for my love early on. The regret was terrible but I made matters worse when I decided that no matter what love was a valid reason to be with xMM. What issues did I have? I was naive and didn't know or accept that sometimes you just have to let go. As I grew older and wiser it became clear to me that a) he had made his choice, B) I had missed my chance to have him all to myself years before and C) the A was a false bandaid - the little happiness I got from it was overshadowed by the guilt, shame and the sheer hopelessness of the situation. At that point, it became easy as pie for me to end it and with it any emotional issues I'd developed as a result of cognitive dissonance.

 

I agree with all of this about many people. However, I think there are also people who live their lives thoughtfully & purposefully, with integrity. They have strong values & boundaries & wouldn't be led to do something against what they truly want & believe in. I think these are people with high self-esteem/self-worth. Some people never gain this kind of self-esteeem. For others, it seems natural or a product of their personality and/or environment. For still others, they have to fall down hard & pick themselves up & make some big changes before they are able to get to this place. But anyway my point is there ARE some people without 'emotional issues' that wouldn't make the choices to be in an affair, have an affair, etc. Not that they are perfect but I think it has to do with examining their lives, attitudes, believes & actions & making sure they are living authentically.

 

And IMO being willing to be in a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else & actively lying & deceiving that person IS a bigger deal than buying a corvette or liking materialistic things. There are different levels of personality flaws or 'mistakes' but to me comparing them to adultery is comparing apples & oranges. The man who buys a corvette {or develops an obession with biking, etc.} to deal with a mid-life crisis is, in my opinion, exercising much better judgment & self-control than a man who has an affair. It's kind of like saying ooops, we all makes mistakes, & someone can murder someone as easily as someone can yell at their little sister. No- they are very different things requiring different levels of intent & 'emotional issues.' To me if a human being can promise to only be with one person & protect that person for life, & then can turn around & cheat on that person & lie to them & hurt them, they have big emotional issues. And if someone is participating in allowing that to happen, knowing that the spouse is hurting, the family is hurting, & the OW herself is hurting [which is often the case here at LS], but they persist in this relationship anyway, often having no explanation other than 'I love him', that person has emotional issues & needs to examine why they love someone so much that they are putting themselves & everyone else through such pain. Almost like a co-dependency issue or a self-hatred or low self-esteem issue. Of course this is just my opinion but it's how I see it.

[spice4life]

I look at it this way nemo, life is a school and we are all here to learn and evolve. In essense, as long as you know who and where you are, who cares what others think. It's your life, your journey to live, learn and grow at your own pace. If others do not agree then so be it. If others cast judgement (such as bad character), it is nothing more than a projection of how they feel about themselves on the inside. It usually means they are being judged by a gf/bf or spouse for something that was preceived as bad character about them. And instead of standing up and not tolerating it, they project it out on others to make themselves feel better. It's a faulty coping mechanism.

 

In any case, good for you for coming here and puttng these questions out there and doing the work to find the answers. That's a good thing and what others think about you doesn't matter one bit. It's your life, not theirs.

[findingnemo]

I look at it this way nemo, life is a school and we are all here to learn and evolve. In essense, as long as you know who and where you are, who cares what others think. It's your life, your journey to live, learn and grow at your own pace. If others do not agree then so be it. If others cast judgement (such as bad character), it is nothing more than a projection of how they feel about themselves on the inside. It usually means they are being judged by a gf/bf or spouse for something that was preceived as bad character about them. And instead of standing up and not tolerating it, they project it out on others to make themselves feel better. It's a faulty coping mechanism.

 

In any case, good for you for coming here and puttng these questions out there and doing the work to find the answers. That's a good thing and what others think about you doesn't matter one bit. It's your life, not theirs.

 

Thanks. That's nice of you.

 

I'm sure that there are those who use the emotional issues label as an insult or in a derogatory manner and those people definitely have their own emotional issues. But my question was a result of seeing really intelligent responses in which "emotional issues" is given as a reason the OW did what she did.

 

Something else that bugs me: I may have missed it but I haven't yet read any posts labeling the OM that way.

[findingnemo]

i can see what you are saying, but , with respect to drug/alcohol addcitions, many believe that they ARE manifestations of psychological issues ( not sure if i agree or not, as i don't have enough information to form an opinion)

 

there are also many who view those who want to leave an affair but just don't seem to be able to as being "addicted"( again, i don't know enough about it to know if they are right or not)

 

now, if one takes the "addiction" tack ( again, i don't know if that's whats really going on or not) with both situations, would that not be an issue that may be causing them, in both situations, to be making choices they might not otherwise make or that go against their "core values" resulting in a lot of negative feelings?

 

it's like those old tv ads used to say.."no one ever says "when i grow up i want to be an addict"...I don't think ( and i could be wrong) that many people, for whatever reason, would see themselves in or normaly choose to be in affair. what is it that leads them to that place?

 

my own opinion is that it's probably not any one factor, but a combination of events, timing, emotional state ( i'm not saying that another man/woman is in a bad emotional state when they first get into an affair- although some may be)- i mean more the emotional connection they feel with the person, etc.

 

I agree, FS. In fact, what you've said above makes me wonder if this whole labeling thing is a normal thing. Many OW have said they'd never have thought they'd be in an A.

 

It begs the question, how easy/hard is it to understand how an A happened if you've never been in one? It reminds me of when I was younger. There are so many things I knew I'd never ever do and I was very judgmental about them. As I grew older, I did some of those things myself. A good example (stupid but illustrates the point) is getting drunk to the extent of getting sick. I thought that one had to be pretty stupid to do that. Well, I did it. Thank God it was only once but I became a lot less judgmental and stopped calling people drunkards when I saw them get drunk.

 

Is it possible that this is the same thing? We label things in life based on right and wrong and our perspectives only change if we actually do these things? In my case, I hated cheating and never cheated in my Rs. I didn't like cheaters and specifically women cheaters (don't ask - it was some weird idea that a mother cheats on both her H and her kids). But once I became an OW, my thinking changed somewhat. For one thing, I could see how xMM ended up having an A and how torn he was between choosing me and his W and kids. It's not so black and white for me anymore.

[mzdolphin]

jlola

Established Member

 

Join Date: Dec 2010

Posts: 110

Quote:

Originally Posted by Got it

 

Yes having an affair can be a great opportunity to reflect on oneself. I don't disagree with that at all and always supporting therapy. But that does not mean that everyone in every affair in every situation is in an unhealthy situation. And that certainly does not mean that ever woman involved in an affair has pyschological issues that need professional help.

 

 

Having an affair is hurtful and destructive to everyone. It is not a mistake. A one night stand is a mistake. Dating a married man who told you he is single is a mistake. I equate long term affair to a thief stealing. ----------------------------------

 

Who is the thief? Married person, OW?OM?

 

In my case MM said he was divorced. Got involved, found out he was married. It was harder than I thought to break it off at that point. Just like it took me a while to end my marriage when I found out my exhubby was a serial cheat. Sometimes there is a period of denial to work through. Everyone gives BS that time to sort things out, OW are people too. Especially if you were lied to as in my case. Don't allow others to beat you up. If you knowingly date a married man, then yeah, you do have issues because who wants to enter into a bad situation. But if a guy presented himself as single, you got involved and it took you some time to sort it out and end it for good, meaning NC, I see you as doing the healthy thing for you. I know I'm smart, considerate and have integrity. Never thought I'd be the other woman. Never thought I'd struggle with ending things. But I did.

[Toots]

Having an affair is hurtful and destructive to everyone.

 

Having an affair was not hurtful or destructive to me. It might be hurtful and destructive to some people, but not to everyone.

[donnamaybe]

It is entirely possible that a person who jumps in and out of A's on the pretext of being the "strong, in charge, only want good sex" kind of person is, deep down and without their knowledge, truly damaged emotionally. In that case, the A's only serve to perpetuate the false sense of personal strength when the reality is quite the opposite.

[findingnemo]

To me, a single person who prefers to date MPs only definitely has some commitment issues. Many of them are quite open about this. They have consciously chosen to be with someone they'll never have to commit to full time and that's what they want. For OWs, I call them Mistresses. A Mistress has very different objectives from other OWs and is usually quite comfortable with the sitch. Is that crazy? It is to me. But it could be the perfect set-up for the mistress.

[Toots]

It is entirely possible that a person who jumps in and out of A's on the pretext of being the "strong, in charge, only want good sex" kind of person is, deep down and without their knowledge, truly damaged emotionally. In that case, the A's only serve to perpetuate the false sense of personal strength when the reality is quite the opposite.

 

It is entirely possible for anyone who jumps out of one relationship and into to another to be truly damaged emotionally, no matter how strongly they deny it. I don't think it is only affairs. Jumping from one relationship to another without time to be alone and reflect on the relationship just past often indicates insecurity and a need for external affirmation because of low self-esteem.

 

I can't personally understand how anyone can jump out of one relationship into another. I find relationships very draining and when I leave one I need a long time to recover.