Woggle Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 She was honest with him from the start. I understand some people catch feelings which is not wrong but instead of just telling her and letting things fall where they may he brings his kids and tries to pull some stunt on her. He should have been on his own neighborhood taking his kids trick or treating instead of using them to impress a woman he met on a casual sex website. I don't really believe FWB relationships are doable most of the time for these reasons but at no point did she mislead him. She never told him she wanted a relationship only to dump him. I had a FWB get even scarier on me even though I was honest from the start. If somebody tells you the score from the start and you know what you are getting into you can't claim victim status.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Honesty is that we are only getting 1 side of the story. If it was just about this guy being a douche... it isn't worthy of even a mention on this site. We come here to vent serious frustrations and to gain insight into our problems. If you go back and read previous threads OP has an issue that extends WAY beyond this one incident. Lets cut the crap and actually be honest. OP has an issue with men. I'm saying the same damn thing everyone else says to Woggle and even the more misogynist guys. Admit it, work to fix it... or be stuck there forever. They can claim to be happy all they want... it isn't the truth. From where I stand... there is no honesty here... just a bunch of excuses and bullcrap. Honesty would be coming out and saying... "Men scare the piss out of me, but I still like sex"... or "I hate men, and I get my jollies off by treating them like sex objects". That would be honesty. she is participating on a level that makes her happy. what's happy for one person doesn't mean it's happy for another person... it is hers. why do YOU find a need to tell her what her form of happy should be? these looks like they are YOUR rules... keep them for YOURSELF. if that rule is for you - then that's great... but YOUR rules don't necessarily need to be applied as everyone else's rules.
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Honesty is that we are only getting 1 side of the story. If it was just about this guy being a douche... it isn't worthy of even a mention on this site. We come here to vent serious frustrations and to gain insight into our problems. If you go back and read previous threads OP has an issue that extends WAY beyond this one incident. Lets cut the crap and actually be honest. OP has an issue with men. I'm saying the same damn thing everyone else says to Woggle and even the more misogynist guys. Admit it, work to fix it... or be stuck there forever. They can claim to be happy all they want... it isn't the truth. From where I stand... there is no honesty here... just a bunch of excuses and bullcrap. Honesty would be coming out and saying... "Men scare the piss out of me, but I still like sex"... or "I hate men, and I get my jollies off by treating them like sex objects". That would be honesty. Excuse me but I've been VERY clear on this site that A. I no longer feel that marriage or committed relationships are worth the sacrifices I'd have to make to be in one. I don't want to have to base my life choices on what's in the best interests of a husband or long term partner again. B. I like sex, enjoy a pleasurable evening of wine, dinner or live music followed by sex & don't feel it is wrong to seek the company of those who want the same things. C. In seeking out sex, I avoid getting involved with anyone I know, no going out with people friends try to hook me up with, no co-workers, no profiles on mainstream marriage minded dating sites. I stick to adult sites populated by those seeking no strings encounters/relationship situations.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't really believe FWB relationships are doable most of the time for these reasons but at no point did she mislead him. She never told him she wanted a relationship only to dump him. I had a FWB get even scarier on me even though I was honest from the start. If somebody tells you the score from the start and you know what you are getting into you can't claim victim status. Nobody is calling this guy a victim Wog. The issue at hand is whether OP created this thread to promote her own feeling of emotional dominance over the men she hates. she is participating on a level that makes her happy. what's happy for one person doesn't mean it's happy for another person... it is hers. why do YOU find a need to tell her what her form of happy should be? these looks like they are YOUR rules... keep them for YOURSELF. if that rule is for you - then that's great... but YOUR rules don't necessarily need to be applied as everyone else's rules. Suddenly you don't want to talk about honesty? Instead you want to talk about rules? What rules am I imposing? It's no secret if you read back a bit that OP has had some seriously bad relationships with men. So bad that she has cut out all forms of intimacy but sex. That sound happy to you?
NXS Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Right?! If a man had come here with the same problem, I think he would have received very different responses, saying the woman was a fool for trying to get serious with a man she met on an adult dating site, and a terrible mother for bringing her children to his house unannounced in a pathetic attempt to curry favor. People have a serious problem with women being truly free and enjoying their freedom. Too bad. ...and your post is quite ironic considering the following things were said about him: if he doesn't accept that, you're gonna get a restraining order. I just hope he's not a psycho dragging his offspring to my door uninvited was pretty damn cold, an aggressive power play of a move calculated to back me into a corner, this guy was a casual piece of arse That's very irresponsible parenting. This guy found her on an ADULT SITE. Not eHarmony! He contacted her for SEXUAL GRATIFICATION. Then they discussed the terms of their arrangement up front, and agreed to them. the guy was a douche creepy guy showing up at her house I guess your eyes glazed over those posts.
Woggle Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Nobody is calling this guy a victim Wog. The issue at hand is whether OP created this thread to promote her own feeling of emotional dominance over the men she hates. ? I agree with you but she is honest about it and tells a man upfront. There probably are some revenge issues. I admit after my divorce I really enjoyed having a known maneater wrapped but in this case I was honest just like she is. I wish all women were this honest about their intentions. I can't get mad at somebody for showing their cards before a person decides to play.
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Nobody is calling this guy a victim Wog. The issue at hand is whether OP created this thread to promote her own feeling of emotional dominance over the men she hates. Suddenly you don't want to talk about honesty? Instead you want to talk about rules? What rules am I imposing? It's no secret if you read back a bit that OP has had some seriously bad relationships with men. So bad that she has cut out all forms of intimacy but sex. That sound happy to you? The only "dominance" I'm seeing here is you deciding it's okay to be the arbitrator of what other people should do or not do and deciding what should constitute happiness for others and attempting to impose your viewpoint.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Nobody is calling this guy a victim Wog. The issue at hand is whether OP created this thread to promote her own feeling of emotional dominance over the men she hates. Suddenly you don't want to talk about honesty? Instead you want to talk about rules? What rules am I imposing? It's no secret if you read back a bit that OP has had some seriously bad relationships with men. So bad that she has cut out all forms of intimacy but sex. That sound happy to you? you have a very twisted sense of reality... i did discuss honesty - and she seemed to describe being happy with the original arrangement - yet YOU keep trying to twist this to mean something that it's not. why is it so important to YOU for her to include intimacy with sex? some people don't need it that way - that is THEIR CHOICE... and if it makes them happy - why question that?
ShannonMI Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) Nobody is calling this guy a victim Wog. The issue at hand is whether OP created this thread to promote her own feeling of emotional dominance over the men she hates. Suddenly you don't want to talk about honesty? Instead you want to talk about rules? What rules am I imposing? It's no secret if you read back a bit that OP has had some seriously bad relationships with men. So bad that she has cut out all forms of intimacy but sex. That sound happy to you? No it's sounds sad and depressing, but if this is what OP wants out of life that's her prerogative. There is no sense in arguing about what's right and wrong here. She clearly told this guy from the start that this relationship was strictly about sex and sex only. The fact he developed feelings isn't HER fault. He obviously can't handle no-strings sex. Not many people can. Most people develop feelings. It's human nature when you are intimate with someone. Better luck next time OP. Maybe investing in a vibrator would be wise. I have a feeling you will continue to have these sort of issues with men. Edited November 2, 2011 by ShannonMI
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I agree with you but she is honest about it and tells a man upfront. There probably are some revenge issues. I admit after my divorce I really enjoyed having a known maneater wrapped but in this case I was honest just like she is. I wish all women were this honest about their intentions. I can't get mad at somebody for showing their cards before a person decides to play. I suppose your right. Chances are she will heal on her own given time. It's only natural feel the way she does. @Soserious1... I apologize, Woggle is correct. The guy was a douche to do what he did. Best of luck to you moving forward!
Author soserious1 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Ok, can we please get a mod to lock this up now ? my thanks to all who offered up their thoughts but this thread has run it's course.
OliveOyl Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 What's blatantly obvious to me is that the OP is desperately scared of having feelings. Otherwise she wouldn't be so "livid" and outraged... she'd be able to calmly see that this man wanted different things than her, and her reaction would be proportionate to the offense. Yes, she's "honest," but that's not the issue here. That her reaction is so disproportionate to the offense says to me that soserious is terrified of her emotions or has a extreme fear of being controlled.
OliveOyl Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 For a moment, let's set aside the fact that this is/was a FWB situation. Let's say they were dating. If one or both parties has kids, there needs to be agreement ON BOTH SIDES about when it's appropriate to introduce children to a new romantic interest in their parent's life. Meeting the kids/parents/family/friends, etc. is normally viewed as bringing the relationship up to the next level. There needs to be MUTUAL agreement about when BOTH parties feel comfortable bringing the relationship up to the next level. For one party to show up, unannounced, essentially ambushing the other party with kids in tow---is like that person trying to force the other person's hand. It's disrespectful.It's no different than someone saying, "oh, I knew you weren't ready to meet my parents yet, but they're in town today, so I invited them to join us for dinner....hope you don't mind........" And in this case,the guy used his own children as unwitting pawns, to press his own agenda. It was Halloween. Different context.
Woggle Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Her ex cheated on her and financially screwed her over in divorce court. She is like the female version of a guy who had his ex cheat and cleaned him out in divorce court. I don't know what her thoughts are but if you are honest with somebody and they still choose to ride that is on them.
dasein Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 What's blatantly obvious to me is that the OP is desperately scared of having feelings. Otherwise she wouldn't be so "livid" and outraged... she'd be able to calmly see that this man wanted different things than her, and her reaction would be proportionate to the offense. Yes, she's "honest," but that's not the issue here. That her reaction is so disproportionate to the offense says to me that soserious is terrified of her emotions or has a extreme fear of being controlled. Yes, I can see that, a good point, or as I said at the very start, looking for excuses to vent rage on this guy for some truly bad thing that another man did to her. Understandable, but neither pattern is going to make her feel better, only worse. And it certainly doesn't help her to be told her over the top reaction was simply "honesty." Anyone reading the thread objectively can see there's more to it than that.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 No it's sounds sad and depressing, but if this is what OP wants out of life that's her prerogative. There is no sense in arguing about what's right and wrong here. Until he got overly attached and weird, my last FWB arrangement was terrific. For me, there was nothing sad or depressing about it. In fact, I experienced far more turmoil and sadness in my last serious relationship than I ever did with this guy. And I got basically the same benefits -- sex, affection, fun, cuddles, etc. The only "benefit" the ex offered that the FWB didn't was future talk -- which turned out to be just a bunch of talk.
ascendotum Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I spoke to him this afternoon, at first he started off with "well what did you think of the kids, aren't they little sweethearts" I responded, "your kids are cute but I am confused as to how they happened to end up at my house" He stated that he'd gone to the site at first because his divorce had been bad, he wanted some company, sex, thought doing the no strings thing would be best but that he'd really enjoyed his time with me & had hoped seeing him with his kids would spark a similar feeling in me. He admitted that he brought them here deliberately. I listened to him & just told him that I registered on that type of site to avoid situations like this, that our times together had been fun, he's bright, reasonably funny & good in bed that he'd make a great catch for some gal... but I'm not her. I asked him politely to please remove me from his contacts & advised him that I was going to do the same as I don't wish to see him again, the relationship is over. I wished him well in future relationships, said good bye and hung up Thats the way to do it. No drama or nastiness or need for a creative dumping. I agree that he crossed the boundary in bringing his kids over unannounced. I understand why you were pissed, and you have every reason to break up with him over this, but I have the same sentiments as GT. What he did was wrong given the nature of your 'adult hookup site' relationship, but his intentions were not to bring hurt or be disrespectful to you. Too late, but he leant the hard way.
NXS Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Her ex cheated on her and financially screwed her over in divorce court. She is like the female version of a guy who had his ex cheat and cleaned him out in divorce court. I don't know what her thoughts are but if you are honest with somebody and they still choose to ride that is on them. I think you are missing the point here, most of the posters here agree that what he done was inappropriate and that she has been honest in her dealings with him. However it's the hyperbole around it that's the issue, yes he shouldn't have brought his children over, but that doesn't make him a creepy, abusive manipulator because of it. There are plenty of guys posting here who have also been cleaned out in divorce court, as I'm sure you know, but I can't think of any of them who'd start a thread like this. Or at least frame it like this.
Author soserious1 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 What's blatantly obvious to me is that the OP is desperately scared of having feelings. Otherwise she wouldn't be so "livid" and outraged... she'd be able to calmly see that this man wanted different things than her, and her reaction would be proportionate to the offense. Yes, she's "honest," but that's not the issue here. That her reaction is so disproportionate to the offense says to me that soserious is terrified of her emotions or has a extreme fear of being controlled. You are totally correct, I am terrified of being 'controlled" ever again & have tried to take steps to make sure it never happens again. Oh and I do have "feelings" I feel that I NEVER want to have to take the needs of a partner into consideration before making any sort of a choice or decision ever again. You may value relationships in your life, that is your right but it would be the worst that could happen for me & feeling that way is my right.
PhillyDude Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Sounds like yall were just F**K buddies not friends with benefits.
freestyle Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 It was Halloween. Different context. Did you miss where the OP stated that she lived 45 minutes away??? If anything, this jerk shortchanged his own kids of trick-or-treating time, by taking them on a 45 minute drive, when they could've been collecting bags of candy closer to home.Most cities nowadays have only a three hour window for trick-or-treating, so he wasted their time for HIS needs. Now that I think about it,that just makes me dislike the guy even more. Not only did he use his kids as pawns to try to manipulate the OP---with FULL KNOWLEDGE that they had a no-strings relationship-- he turned Halloween into being about HIS needs--not the kids.
Author soserious1 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Sounds like yall were just F**K buddies not friends with benefits. You have a point, if I can find an escort service that offers men in my desired age range I think I might decide to go that route in the future, no risk of misunderstandings or in the guy developing feelings.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 You are totally correct, I am terrified of being 'controlled" ever again & have tried to take steps to make sure it never happens again. Oh and I do have "feelings" I feel that I NEVER want to have to take the needs of a partner into consideration before making any sort of a choice or decision ever again. You may value relationships in your life, that is your right but it would be the worst that could happen for me & feeling that way is my right. I can completely fathom this.............. to be honest, if my current relationship ends, I will likely follow a similar path.
dasein Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 If anything, this jerk shortchanged his own kids of trick-or-treating time, by taking them on a 45 minute drive, when they could've been collecting bags of candy closer to home.Most cities nowadays have only a three hour window for trick-or-treating, so he wasted their time for HIS needs. Oh for godsakes, more of the same. He could have just as easily taken them to houses since noon for all you know, could have bought them 12 bags of candy in exchange for the detour. He could be limiting their candy intake out of concern for their health, or beating them with a rubber hose at night. He could be a great parent or a completely crappy one, nothing and I mean NOTHING in this thread can lead to any reasonable conclusions in that respect. I don't know, and you don't know. The "poor parenting" subtheme in this thread has always been a completly unwarranted conjecture, a total nonstarter, yet you all drone on and on and on about it.
freestyle Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Oh for godsakes, more of the same. He could have just as easily taken them to houses since noon for all you know, could have bought them 12 bags of candy in exchange for the detour. He could be limiting their candy intake out of concern for their health, or beating them with a rubber hose at night. He could be a great parent or a completely crappy one, nothing and I mean NOTHING in this thread can lead to any reasonable conclusions in that respect. I don't know, and you don't know. The "poor parenting" subtheme in this thread has always been a completly unwarranted conjecture, a total nonstarter, yet you all drone on and on and on about it. A number of posters have tried to justify this guy's actions based on the fact that it was Halloween---I gave a counter-argument. Bottom line, be it a FWB situation, or a dating situation, if one party is not interested, or not ready to meet the other person's kids, or family..... The other party has NO RIGHT to force that upon them. It's completely disrespectful.
Recommended Posts