2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) This is how Soserious described their relationship. Notice the way the entire relationship is framed in terms of her need to control the relationship? She is primarily upset because this gentleman caller did something which breaks her control of things. That is why her reaction is so vehement. I see symptoms that border Sociopathic, but I'm not qualified to diagnose anything. Where is her ability to empathize with or even understand the emotions of others? I suggest we all join together and request that she see a qualified psychiatric professional to diagnose and treat her illness. sheez! IF you bothered to see her back round here - you could understand she reaches out to others here regularly... yes, SHE shows EVIDENCE of empathy! i don't see her having a vehement reaction - quite the opposite - she said she's not going to see him further... THAT is NOT vehement! that is neutral (healthy when someone oversteps a boundary). vehement would be throwing a knife at him when he rang the bell... stop judging her. she had an agreement - he broke it - she's eliminating him because he broke the agreement. end of story. open your mind - stop bringing judgement into her life - it's hers - i commend her honest approach. IF you have a problem with her honesty - you may want to find out WHY you have the need to place judgement on others. Edited November 2, 2011 by 2sunny
dasein Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 i don't see her having a vehement reaction - quite the opposite - You couldn't possibly be talking about this thread, as in the one we are posting to now, so what other thread are you referring to?
PlumPrincess Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 so what situation are you in? are you the partner who's boundaries get violated by FWB or are you the "complete dolt" who thinks that a guy who merely wants to screw you might want something more even after he's told you he doesn't? FWB, isn't for everyone, if you're the type who develops "feelings" for people after sleeping with them, do yourself and them a favor and just say "no" to offers of FWB relationships. I don't do FWB, but I know people close to me who crossed boundaries although I told them very clearly what I wanted or did not want. I'm really not nice when I'm pissed off and I don't think they like it very much either, but they still do it. It's really irrational, like love. I bet the guy is really into you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 open your mind - stop bringing judgement into her life - it's hers - i commend her honest approach. IF you have a problem with her honesty - you may want to find out WHY you have the need to place judgement on others. This isn't honesty. You are confused on the difference between honest people and rude people. I'm also not convinced they had any sort of clear agreement. These rules seem mostly implied. The fact that she must remind him repeatedly shows that he is confused about the "rules" as well, or not interested in allowing her to tightly control him. The need for her to create this thread in which to vent frustration, shows how much this incident bothers her. I'm just suggesting a Psych Eval. What could it hurt?
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You couldn't possibly be talking about this thread, as in the one we are posting to now, so what other thread are you referring to? her reaction is neutral = someone over steps a boundary - allow them to understand they over stepped - and be finished with participating = THAT is healthy! i was also referring to a poster who suggested she is a sociopath - she helps MANY others here - and gives solid advice from her truth. that is not evidence she is a sociopath. she helps others by reaching out here - and shows empathy - and encourages others to grow and find THEIR truth. i find the judging here offensive.
Quiet Storm Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 IMO, she is taking it too far. If she truly wanted an emotionless relationship, then she would just tell him she can't see him anymore because he crossed her boundaries. But according to her, LIVID is an understatement. Drama. She isn't just being honest. She's being dramatic, which violates all of her OWN rules. To say that I'm livid would be an understatement, I need some creative ways to let this fellow know as vividly as possible that he needs to lose my phone number & that our arrangement is over.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 IMO, she is taking it too far. If she truly wanted an emotionless relationship, then she would just tell him she can't see him anymore because he crossed her boundaries. But according to her, LIVID is an understatement. Drama. She isn't just being honest. She's being dramatic, which violates all of her OWN rules. from what i read - she is planning to tell him he crossed her line - then tell him she's NOT seeing him anymore/communicating further will be cut off. what is LIVID about that?
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Not that it's required but let me clarify a few points here. I don't want a relationship & that feeling has in fact grown stronger & stronger since my divorce.Exclusive Relationships call for emotional,physical & fiscal sacrifices that I'm not able/ not interested in making. I do enjoy sex, I consider it part of a relaxing evening, a couple drinks, a decent meal, a few laughs, an orgasm or two, it's entertainment I don't feel the need to deprive myself of simply because I have no interest in "finding Mr Right" Knowing that people sometimes do develop "feelings" in relationships they'd intended to be casual & not wishing to hurt anyone nor to create messy life complicating situations for myself I set down some ground rules to help me handle my sexual life. 1. I don't date people in my professional or social circles...ever, no exceptions. my match making relatives and friends have been pretty firmly told at this point to cease & desist,lol no more spare men dragged to dinner parties if a man I know expresses interest, I thank him for such & simply tell him I'm already involved. 2. Understanding what I want, I've created profiles on a couple of adult type sites geared towards people looking for similar relationships, in these profiles I'm very clear about what I am looking for & what I am not. 3. I met this gentleman on such a site, his profile indicated that he too sought the same things from his relationships, something a bit more social than paid escorts or prowling the bars looking for ONS but he did NOT want any sort of committed relationship, he made it quite clear that his divorce had been bad & that his priority was his children. Multiple emails, phone calls and a face to face meeting where we both spelled out what our boundaries are, what we were comfortable with happened before we had sex. 4. The fact that this man somehow developed stronger feelings for me is not the problem here, if he had simply leveled with me, I would have ended the relationship firmly but with a kindness of attitude. His bringing his kids to my house on the surface might seem like no biggie but it was a violation of the biggest boundary we had agreed upon " no family" he didn't want to meet or hear about my family, I didn't want to meet or hear about his, our time together was to be relaxing, "me" type time for both of us. 5. He didn't just "happen to be in the neighborhood" this man's home is a 45 minute drive from here.. indeed in talking with him this afternoon, he confessed that he did bring the kids over here deliberately in hopes that this would somehow inspire me to want to take the relationship to a deeper level. I get that despite careful planning people do sometimes develop feelings in these relationships, however his desire for something more doesn't obligate me to "be grateful" or "nice" and go along with him.
PlumPrincess Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 5. He didn't just "happen to be in the neighborhood" this man's home is a 45 minute drive from here.. indeed in talking with him this afternoon, he confessed that he did bring the kids over here deliberately in hopes that this would somehow inspire me to want to take the relationship to a deeper level. That's what I said, he was driven by this irrational force called love. I don't think any man with a spark of sanity in his mind would cross your boundaries by free choice...
Emilia Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You could be more compassionate about his motives though. He wants to be loved, maybe he is clumsy but so is everyone else at some stage in their lives. Yet you wanted to hurt him ' creatively' and I think that's unforgivable
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You could be more compassionate about his motives though. He wants to be loved, maybe he is clumsy but so is everyone else at some stage in their lives. Yet you wanted to hurt him ' creatively' and I think that's unforgivable he wants to be loved? THAT wasn't the agreement... being honest is the best way not to cause MORE pain - for him. IF he wants to be loved - he should look for love - or he COULD HAVE asked for the agreement to be changed... but he didn't. i don't see intent to HURT him - i see intent to be honest - and that includes cutting him off - otherwise she would only be leading him on (and THAT would be hurtful).
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 You could be more compassionate about his motives though. He wants to be loved, maybe he is clumsy but so is everyone else at some stage in their lives. Yet you wanted to hurt him ' creatively' and I think that's unforgivable No, my obligation was to be very clear from the start about what I do or don't want & to follow through with my agreements, I owe this guy nothing more than that, his "wanting to be loved" isn't my problem, perhaps now he'll refrain from looking for love on adult hookup sites.
D87 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I agree with most people here. It wasn't a big deal what this guy did to warranty such a response. Soserious1 if 90% of people here think you're a crazy psycho woman, then there's probably some merit to that. Psychologist would probably be quite useful in your case. Just a thought...
Emilia Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 he wants to be loved? THAT wasn't the agreement... being honest is the best way not to cause MORE pain - for him. IF he wants to be loved - he should look for love - or he COULD HAVE asked for the agreement to be changed... but he didn't. i don't see intent to HURT him - i see intent to be honest - and that includes cutting him off - otherwise she would only be leading him on (and THAT would be hurtful). When was the last time your emotions worked according to agreements? OP said she wanted a creative way to dump the guy - that's hurting. This thread is making me very sad
Emilia Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 No, my obligation was to be very clear from the start about what I do or don't want & to follow through with my agreements, I owe this guy nothing more than that, his "wanting to be loved" isn't my problem, perhaps now he'll refrain from looking for love on adult hookup sites. I don't usually say this but I hope from the bottom of my heart that you taste your own medicine one day. You don't deserve love
GorillaTheater Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 perhaps now he'll refrain from looking for love on adult hookup sites. "The heart wants what it wants". I feel compassion for this sap. Either that or it's simply a soft spot for little trick-or-treaters. But I understand your position. And if I had an ex like yours, I'd have concertina wire strung around my heart, not to mention my boundaries. I guess my bottom line is, yes, certainly call off the relationship. But take it easy on this guy. Our hearts get us all in a bind from time to time.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 When was the last time your emotions worked according to agreements? OP said she wanted a creative way to dump the guy - that's hurting. This thread is making me very sad my emotions work congruently with my words each day! it's not hurt when she is honest. you may have the two concepts turned around... if she intended to hurt him - she would continue... knowing his feelings changed and using him for her benefit despite her NOT having feelings for him. dumping him is being honest - she doesn't intend to participate since he has feelings - and that wasn't the way she agreed to go into this scenario. she IS being honest - how can you NOT see that? she's NOT pretending to care when she doesn't care - THAT is honest! i admire honesty. when someone tells me they care - i want to believe them - i love it when people ARE honest! it's rarely seen these days.
GorillaTheater Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't usually say this but I hope from the bottom of my heart that you taste your own medicine one day. You don't deserve love She's tasted far worse, as her past threads will attest. And you'll see me in there, being an insufferable bastard from time to time, which I very much regret because I utterly lacked compassion for her pain. Lesson learned. It seems to me that both "sides" of this thread could do with a little more compassion on this issue.
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 IMO, she is taking it too far. If she truly wanted an emotionless relationship, then she would just tell him she can't see him anymore because he crossed her boundaries. But according to her, LIVID is an understatement. Drama. She isn't just being honest. She's being dramatic, which violates all of her OWN rules. Ah, I'm "livid" because of where I met this fellow, a site dedicated to adults who are seeking no strings sexual encounters. Him merely confessing that he'd developed feelings would have caused me to just end it quietly. The fact that he dragged his kids to my door was mind blowing, a total "WTF" situation & yeah, I can be pretty blunt but dragging kids over to a sex buddy's house is just not okay. Honestly I was so flabbergasted when I opened the door I didn't know what to say.
Emilia Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 She's tasted far worse, as her past threads will attest. And you'll see me in there, being an insufferable bastard from time to time, which I very much regret because I utterly lacked compassion for her pain. Lesson learned. It seems to me that both "sides" of this thread could do with a little more compassion on this issue. We have all experienced pain, I've looked at some of her past threads just now. People who got hurt badly should understand pain more than others and that makes lack of compassion even worse. Therefore I respectfully disagree with you
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I don't usually say this but I hope from the bottom of my heart that you taste your own medicine one day. You don't deserve love Is that supposed to wound me, make me hang my head in shame here or what? I'm not looking for love & if he was looking for love, I'd dare say that an adult friend finder type site isn't the best place to go.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't usually say this but I hope from the bottom of my heart that you taste your own medicine one day. You don't deserve love wow - this is terribly mean spirited. everyone deserves love! just because some people don't equate sex with love doesn't bring the need for such harsh judgement. a woman who opens her legs is often NOT offering love. let's really get honest here. a woman who keeps any expectation away from the act of sex and views it for what it is - instead of what it isn't - is a beautiful thing. i know many wives who claim to "love" their husbands - but they USE SEX as a way of manipulation and control - by either offering it up or with holding it. i don't see anything "loving" about any of it. i see it as a major bargaining tool... which is NOT loving behavior.
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) "The heart wants what it wants". I feel compassion for this sap. Either that or it's simply a soft spot for little trick-or-treaters. But I understand your position. And if I had an ex like yours, I'd have concertina wire strung around my heart, not to mention my boundaries. I guess my bottom line is, yes, certainly call off the relationship. But take it easy on this guy. Our hearts get us all in a bind from time to time. I spoke to him this afternoon, at first he started off with "well what did you think of the kids, aren't they little sweethearts" I responded, "your kids are cute but I am confused as to how they happened to end up at my house" He stated that he'd gone to the site at first because his divorce had been bad, he wanted some company, sex, thought doing the no strings thing would be best but that he'd really enjoyed his time with me & had hoped seeing him with his kids would spark a similar feeling in me. He admitted that he brought them here deliberately. I listened to him & just told him that I registered on that type of site to avoid situations like this, that our times together had been fun, he's bright, reasonably funny & good in bed that he'd make a great catch for some gal... but I'm not her. I asked him politely to please remove me from his contacts & advised him that I was going to do the same as I don't wish to see him again, the relationship is over. I wished him well in future relationships, said good bye and hung up Btw, the thought of getting involved with somebody's children when I have no intention of getting serious with their father strikes me as wrong,wrong,wrong I have no desire to hurt anybody and that's why I have the rule about not getting involved with a sex buddy's family,it just wouldn't be right. Edited November 2, 2011 by soserious1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 This is why I like you so much, soserious. You are totally on the level, 100% honest, and don't take the ridiculous attacks you receive on this site personally in any way. I admire your strength, self-reliance, and self-awareness. His bringing his kids to my house on the surface might seem like no biggie but it was a violation of the biggest boundary we had agreed upon " no family" he didn't want to meet or hear about my family, I didn't want to meet or hear about his, our time together was to be relaxing, "me" type time for both of us. 5. He didn't just "happen to be in the neighborhood" this man's home is a 45 minute drive from here.. indeed in talking with him this afternoon, he confessed that he did bring the kids over here deliberately in hopes that this would somehow inspire me to want to take the relationship to a deeper level. Like I said, to use your kids in this way reveals terrible parenting. If my recent FWB had brought a family member to my house unannounced, I would have been shocked and angry with him. To bring your CHILDREN is the worst possible scenario. They're innocent and should not be used as tools of manipulation. No, my obligation was to be very clear from the start about what I do or don't want & to follow through with my agreements, I owe this guy nothing more than that, his "wanting to be loved" isn't my problem, perhaps now he'll refrain from looking for love on adult hookup sites. Right?! If a man had come here with the same problem, I think he would have received very different responses, saying the woman was a fool for trying to get serious with a man she met on an adult dating site, and a terrible mother for bringing her children to his house unannounced in a pathetic attempt to curry favor. People have a serious problem with women being truly free and enjoying their freedom. Too bad.
Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 We have all experienced pain, I've looked at some of her past threads just now. People who got hurt badly should understand pain more than others and that makes lack of even worse. Therefore I respectfully disagree with you I'm kinda hoping that you damning me to a life in loveless hell holds true for me, being spared this sort of situation on an adult friend finder site in future would be a relief If you're looking for love you don't put up profiles on adult sex sites. I went specifically to that site to avoid those who want love,managing this guy's feelings isn't my job, he got exactly what we both signed up for .. casual sex, without strings, without obligation of any sort.
Recommended Posts