Author soserious1 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Well the intended tone went over my head then, I had a visual of a deranged "razor blade in the apple" mean old lady from youthful trick or treat warnings. I have my issues but I would never be rude to children or treat them shabbily, this situation has nothing to do with them & I'm sorry their father choose to try to bring them into it.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 We had rules that were mutually agreed upon in this relationship to totally avoid this type of situation, that he used his kids as tools in an attempt to manipulate my feelings really pisses me off! Dragging kids into things like this is flat out wrong. Yep. This guy is the offending party here. Why would you bring your children to see your FWB?!! That's very irresponsible parenting.
Nexus One Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Yes, all 3 men knew that I was sleeping with others, I would never mislead anyone about my intentions or my sexual history. Then that settles it for me, I then agree with you. With the side note that it's not uncommon for people to develop feelings in a FWB situation, because people are human, however he did involve his children where he shouldn't have.
refurb Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 This guy wants a intimate, personal relationship that goes beyond just rubbing your genitals together? Get rid of him! What a loser!!! RF
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 how did he know where you live? when i had a fwb - i never went out socially with him - i think you are muddying the waters for what you intend to get from him. you want sex- stick to sex. i had to end my fwb too - because he wanted me to go out to an event with him - i reminded him that it was now over because that wasn't what we agreed to in the beginning... every situation has an ending point - looks like this is what you tell him.
Lucky_One Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I guess I don't see where he "dragged his children" into anything. It was Halloween, a night where parents traditionally take children to random houses and ring doorbells. I never took my child to a house and explained my R with the homeowners beyond friends, neighbors, co-workers. And the kids didn't give a rat's butthole who the person was - they just wanted the Milky Ways. (Or, in this case, just wanted to pee.) If you had another FB there, you could have simply dropped candy into the child's pumpkin and said "Sorry, I have a guest who is showering in the bathroom. But there is a McDonald's down on Oak Street." Granted, IF the father said "Hey kids, this is SoSerious, and I have been banging her once a week while you are at your mom's, and I want her to be your new stepmom! Go give her a big ol' hug! Oh No! don't get that sucker in her hair, honey," then I would be livid, too. But unless he did that, I bet the kids are too busy counting who has the most Tootsie Rolls and trading Mounds bars for Reese's cups to care about the stranger who let Jr in to pee.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 And your proud of this ? What guy is going to want to date you seriously. Get over yourself. There is a word for a woman like you. yep - the word is HONEST! she states what she wants - and finds a way to make THAT happen - that's honesty. there's nothing wrong and everything right with her honesty. and i'm sure if and when she decides to date... she will makes changes so that can happen. i think our world has so much pretending in it - that people don't recognize what's real anymore.
LittleTiger Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 This is one of the oddest threads I've ever read in the dating section - it should be under 'personal rants' because no advice is required. A mature, emotionally damaged woman (I mean no disrespect soserious1 - you have good reason to carry baggage) chooses to have sex with men just for fun and one guy breaks the rules. Next! Unless you are in some way emotionally attached to this man soserious1, what is there to discuss? I can't believe we're on page 4 already!
azsinglegal Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 so what situation are you in? are you the partner who's boundaries get violated by FWB or are you the "complete dolt" who thinks that a guy who merely wants to screw you might want something more even after he's told you he doesn't? FWB, isn't for everyone, if you're the type who develops "feelings" for people after sleeping with them, do yourself and them a favor and just say "no" to offers of FWB relationships. For me, I can't do it. I get emotionally attached. That being said, however, I do have a gentleman I've known for about 8 years now and when we get together, we have a few drinks, talk and end up sleeping together. Then I go home. I guess you'd call him a FWB but he's really my "old reliable". He's my boyfriend experience when I'm not seeing anyone. He does everything a BF would do for the night, snuggle, make me dinner, rent movies, hold me so tight...be amazing to me with no attachment. I wanted to date him but our personalities are just too different to work out long term. I always know when he's seeing someone cuz I won't hear from him and vice versa.
Emilia Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Well I figure him dragging his offspring to my door uninvited was pretty damn cold, an aggressive power play of a move calculated to back me into a corner, I'm seriously pissed off. Wow, that must have been one very damaging divorce for you to be this cynical. Sorry for you
Pierre Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 For me, I can't do it. I get emotionally attached. That being said, however, I do have a gentleman I've known for about 8 years now and when we get together, we have a few drinks, talk and end up sleeping together. Then I go home. I guess you'd call him a FWB but he's really my "old reliable". He's my boyfriend experience when I'm not seeing anyone. He does everything a BF would do for the night, snuggle, make me dinner, rent movies, hold me so tight...be amazing to me with no attachment. I wanted to date him but our personalities are just too different to work out long term. I always know when he's seeing someone cuz I won't hear from him and vice versa. I cannot separate sex from dating and emotional intimacy. I am a relationship type person. I cannot do what the OP does and simply go to a web site to find FWBs. That does not do it for me. However, I understand it and don't think there is anything wrong with it as long as there is no deceit involved.
azsinglegal Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I cannot separate sex from dating and emotional intimacy. I am a relationship type person. I cannot do what the OP does and simply go to a web site to find FWBs. That does not do it for me. However, I understand it and don't think there is anything wrong with it as long as there is no deceit involved. That's what I'm saying, once someone has been inside me, I'm attached to them. Even my old reliable I really have feelings for. I rarely see him, it's been over a year...I just know I want more and it's not right for us. I can't serial date either - once I meet someone I like, I try to see if it'll work. I have friends who date 3-8 guys at a time and I can't do that. But again, it's just me. Sex without emotions isn't fulfilling for me. Plus, I never really let go until I've been with a guy for a few months anyway.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I've been seeing a divorced father for around 3 months in a strictly FWB situation, we'd see each other once, occasionally twice a week. Our time together is always casual, perhaps a movie, light dinner a couple of drinks, sex, I have never allowed him to spend the night, he has no belongings here. Our conversations center around light,superficial topics. Subjects like my professional life, family, friends etc are strictly off limits. I do not text nor phone him unless it is to confirm a date for sex. I was VERY clear from the start that this is all I have to offer & that I have other FWB's. From time to time, he has tried to discuss his work or mentioned his children etc, I've gently but firmly reminded him of the boundaries of our relationship, he apologized & I thought all was well. He showed up at my front door last night with his 2 children dressed in Halloween garb! "We were in the neighborhood, thought you'd like to see how cute they look" the youngest was shivering & begging to use the restroom, so I let them in rustled up some fruit to give them & after about 15 minutes excused myself saying that I was on call and had to leave. To say that I'm livid would be an understatement, I need some creative ways to let this fellow know as vividly as possible that he needs to lose my phone number & that our arrangement is over. You need a psychiatrist. Control freak just doesn't even begin to describe this behavior. His only mistake was in not recognizing your mental illness. I'm sorry but this guy is better off without you.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 yep - the word is HONEST! she states what she wants - and finds a way to make THAT happen - that's honesty. there's nothing wrong and everything right with her honesty. and i'm sure if and when she decides to date... she will makes changes so that can happen. i think our world has so much pretending in it - that people don't recognize what's real anymore. Exactly. soserious has always been one of my favorite posters because she's totally honest, with no BS. All the people skewering her for this are the ones with problems. People who cast such nasty judgment on others are usually the ones with the most questionable character.
OliveOyl Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Exactly. soserious has always been one of my favorite posters because she's totally honest, with no BS. All the people skewering her for this are the ones with problems. People who cast such nasty judgment on others are usually the ones with the most questionable character. It's not the total honesty that is the problem. Her response is just way out of proportion to the supposed "infraction." All she needs to do is let him know it's over; her indignation and outrage seems very misplaced.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Exactly. soserious has always been one of my favorite posters because she's totally honest, with no BS. All the people skewering her for this are the ones with problems. People who cast such nasty judgment on others are usually the ones with the most questionable character. I can respect honesty... but I can also recognize someone with control and intimacy issues. The best part about it is that after a borderline insanely controlling attempt to make sure this guy provides her no information about himself, she is now trying to divine his motives for doing this. His best friend could have been having a party 2 streets down.
Pierre Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Exactly. soserious has always been one of my favorite posters because she's totally honest, with no BS. All the people skewering her for this are the ones with problems. People who cast such nasty judgment on others are usually the ones with the most questionable character. Initially she comes strong, but she is a pussycat. Now I see her point.
maysj18 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 How can you say you're FWB? That would indicate you're friends, when really you're just f.ucking. He brought his kid over to trick or treat..not for dinner. The baby had to use the restroom and he didn't want to ask some stranger.
plassiter Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 You need a psychiatrist. Control freak just doesn't even begin to describe this behavior. His only mistake was in not recognizing your mental illness. I'm sorry but this guy is better off without you. yeah, I agree 100% , this woman needs help.
dasein Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 People who cast such nasty judgment on others are usually the ones with the most questionable character. Would that include "casting the judgment" that someone who brought a "need to peepee" kid to someone's door was engaged in a nefarious, aggressive power play as opposed to a relatively mild violation of boundaries? an opportunity for raging indignation or rather simply "well this is probably not going to work out?" People make excuses to see people they want to see every day, "I happened to be in the neighborhood," bump into them outside their work, is that really the stuff of Dr. Evil bwahaha? The more I think about this thread the more I start to get annoyed myself, LOL. It's part of the same ridiculously unrealistic "girl in the bubble" thinking I see women expressing here and elsewhere, often, about how they expect to dictate down to the nth degree exactly how people, men in particular, engage them socially, romantically, sexually, in public, private, wherever. "You may approach me under the following conditions and in the following places only, subject to change at my whim and only provided I find you acceptably attractive. You may engage in a sexual relationship with me according to the following set of 14 conditions which I will express to you as preferences, but if you dare violate the spirit or letter of any of them, or any other of my unspoken whims, subject to change capriciously in the moment, you will quickly find out are actually iron clad rules of law, and your ignoring them or any others I haven't expressed brands you as an object of abject scorn or even as a criminal." You know who exhibits that kind of attitude? Royalty. We have bred at least two generations of this kind of imperious attitude in women in this country. Thank god the end seems to be in sight as these generations are having children, many male children, and seeing things from a very different and most enlightening angle as to the consequences of this attitude for their male children and their chances of finding happy, balanced relationships with women. This is one of few stories on LS that makes me want to hear the other side and what the guy's reaction would be. This thread would likely put him off women entirely for a good long time. This week's offense is bringing small children trick or treating, next week's could be sending flowers or a birthday card ("one of my other FWBs could SEE those before I could throw them away, how f-ing DARE he invade my space in such a way!!") God forbid some PDA out in town, "One of my other men might be there and I would have to EXPLAIN it." Personally, I don't like drop-ins either, family, friends, GFs, whoever, they should call first. But you know what? If it happens, it just isn't that big a f-ing deal, regardless of the circumstances.
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Personally, I don't like drop-ins either, family, friends, GFs, whoever, they should call first. But you know what? If it happens, it just isn't that big a f-ing deal, regardless of the circumstances. it IS a big deal IF that was a boundary that was agreed upon - and someone crossed that boundary! he did cross the boundary - he'd be out in my world... simply following a guideline isn't difficult... and he never asked permission to change the boundary... that makes it even worse. for what it's worth - i don't call these "arrangements" FWB - i call it a sex buddy... seems more appropriate.
dasein Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 it IS a big deal IF that was a boundary that was agreed upon - and someone crossed that boundary! Yeah, it's a regular Maginot line all right... guns blazing... trick or treaters. Alert the media. I'm most grateful that my neighbor doesn't shoot me for "crossing that boundary!" when I step in his driveway to get my paper. Considering a long post on the subtext behind the psychobabble term "boundaries." I regret even ever using it and now see my mistake. Will probably spare you all the treatise, as it would be offensively gender-charged and go all the way back to Friedan, but will say that a "boundary" among rational men, and any other rational non-Western people, is a demarcation of real property. Anyone who wants to justify the term rationally otherwise will have to define it in some way other than descriptively that makes sense and differentiates it from the better term "agreement."
Professor X Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't see the problem here. You are a selfish cold hearted b1tch, just tell him you're replacing him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 it IS a big deal IF that was a boundary that was agreed upon - and someone crossed that boundary! he did cross the boundary - he'd be out in my world... simply following a guideline isn't difficult... and he never asked permission to change the boundary... that makes it even worse. for what it's worth - i don't call these "arrangements" FWB - i call it a sex buddy... seems more appropriate. I've been seeing a divorced father for around 3 months in a strictly FWB situation, we'd see each other once, occasionally twice a week. Our time together is always casual, perhaps a movie, light dinner a couple of drinks, sex, I have never allowed him to spend the night, he has no belongings here. Our conversations center around light,superficial topics. Subjects like my professional life, family, friends etc are strictly off limits. I do not text nor phone him unless it is to confirm a date for sex. I was VERY clear from the start that this is all I have to offer & that I have other FWB's. From time to time, he has tried to discuss his work or mentioned his children etc, I've gently but firmly reminded him of the boundaries of our relationship, he apologized & I thought all was well. This is how Soserious described their relationship. Notice the way the entire relationship is framed in terms of her need to control the relationship? She is primarily upset because this gentleman caller did something which breaks her control of things. That is why her reaction is so vehement. I see symptoms that border Sociopathic, but I'm not qualified to diagnose anything. Where is her ability to empathize with or even understand the emotions of others? I suggest we all join together and request that she see a qualified psychiatric professional to diagnose and treat her illness.
oaks Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 To say that I'm livid would be an understatement, I need some creative ways to let this fellow know as vividly as possible that he needs to lose my phone number & that our arrangement is over. Text him: "Dear hisname, Your kids' costumes scared me so much that I don't think we can be fckbuddies any more as I'll just be thinking of their scary little faces the whole time you are porking me. Best if you lose my number. Sorry for being such a headcase. yourname" I hope that's creative enough.
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