Dusk1983 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 It's not in the nature of emotionally and psychologically healthy women to separate sex from some kind of attachment. The emotional baggage you are so clearly still carrying from your last relationship bears that out. You might think you're fine, but you're not. And you won't ever be if you keep sleeping with strangers simply to feel in control.
radiodarcy Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I appreciate it when people are clear and up-front about their feelings. Maybe soserious1 sounded a bit mean, when she said she wanted to be creative when dumping the guy, but I don't think she really meant it and in the end, her way of breaking up with the guy was as respectful as it can be. I find all these I-don't-know-how-I-feel-about-you-at-the-moment-please-give-me-more-time-(so-that-I-can-find-someone-else-in-the-meantime)-people to be worse. i completely agree. i admit when i started reading this thread, the OP sounded very cold. but then i realized she was really just trying to maintain her boundaries. which she made very clear to this man. what he did was very manipulative - - not to mention he flat out admitted that he was trying to manipulate her into something more than FB. i would have been irritated as well. i personally can't do a friends with benefits situation -- i get too attached. i recently started dating again. and when a man told me he was looking for a FWB situation. i simply said, "i appreciate your honesty but that's not what i'm looking for. good bye" why waste someone else's time in allowing them to develop unrealistic expectations about the nature of the relationship? that doesn't sound fair to either party.
Author soserious1 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 It's not in the nature of emotionally and psychologically healthy women to separate sex from some kind of attachment. The emotional baggage you are so clearly still carrying from your last relationship bears that out. You might think you're fine, but you're not. And you won't ever be if you keep sleeping with strangers simply to feel in control. People actually do have the right to decide what they want or don't want in their relationships, I'm not interested in any kind of attachments & desire to meet like minded men for sexual encounters, sans unsolicited psychiatric diagnoses
PlumPrincess Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Some people are very bitter after divorce. The OP is oozing bitterness and the FWB will pay the prize. I wonder what would be the response if a male posted here saying that he is f****ing this woman and she actually wants to talk too much or hint a relationship. "Shut up and do your duty bitch!". Does not sound pretty when the roles are reversed. If you are on an adult dating website, then I assume you know damn well what you are doing and how you're going to feel about it. It's not one of these stories where boy meets girl (or reverse) by chance, likes him/her, has casual sex, only to realize later that there are feelings. If the situation was reverse, I'd say, the woman is a grownup who deliberately sought out sex with no strings attached on an adult website. It totally sucks being in love and getting your feelings rejected, but you can't force feelings and you can even less expect it from someone who said that he only wanted sex.
NXS Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Well you were correct in saying that I made a fool's move in expecting that I can get all of the things I want from my relationships. Yes, I enjoy being able to have light social contact ie: dinner,drinks etc as part of an evening but clearly this muddies the casual aspect of a FB relationship. My choices it seems are to risk a repeat (or worse) of this situation or to take away the social aspects of things so that it is crystal clear that these encounters are in no way,shape or form "casual dating" Thank you for setting me straight, I owe you a debt of gratitute Glad to hear you are open to other people's opinions and willing to accept the consequences of your decisions. I was really annoyed at the venum posted against this guy which did not fit the "crime" and not at what you desired from the FWB. Then when it was turned into a gender issue it annoyed me more, mostly because in my experience men, for the most part, are forced to accept the consequences of their decisions rather than try to get reality to fit what they want. I have also gone through a bitter divorce and know what it's like; "writing that cheque" to a psycho ex who continuously tried to alienate me from my children was a bitter experience. So you have my deepest sympathies in that regard. Anyway I hope it works out for you and no hard feelings.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I'm not understanding the rants and name calling against the OP. If you ask me, she is demonstrating what a real FWB (or f-buddy) is supposed to be between consenting adults. It definately is NOT for me... but I can sure appreciate the fact that someone knows what they want and can communicate that. Nothing wrong with that at all. Not sociopathic, not cold... none of the above. In fact, I'd say her approach is alot 'kinder' in the long run than those befuddled folks with limited self-awareness bumping their way through so-called relationships... and calling them 'relationships'. There is nothing 'colder' and more damaging than being ignorant... of oneself especially and using another person to patch you up emotionally and calling it a relationship.... or doing the FWB emotional tango. now THAT has got to be the most messed up thing I've ever witnessed. Emotional parasites. We've seen them all... She isn't one. Gotta give her credit for that. Huge bonus points if you ask me. As far as this guy goes... Next time he asks for a get together, just say no. No drama there. If he asks why you could just say, 'hey, it was really fun for awhile. Really thought we had an agreement about keeping the kids out of it. Take care and good luck with everything!".. and mean it. It was fun, right? No need to let his momentary lapse unhinge the bit of good times you did have... no need to make an 'enemy' either. A hearty high-ho.... a smile in your voice.... that air of cheerful firmness is the way to go... eh? What's your saying... all for fun, loyalty to none? I'm sure you are all about keeping the FUN in F-buddy. My guess though, is that he saw the shocked look on your face and knows better not to push things. You probably won't have to worry about him darkening your door step again. One less thing to worry about...
Author soserious1 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) Glad to hear you are open to other people's opinions and willing to accept the consequences of your decisions. I was really annoyed at the venum posted against this guy which did not fit the "crime" and not at what you desired from the FWB. Then when it was turned into a gender issue it annoyed me more, mostly because in my experience men, for the most part, are forced to accept the consequences of their decisions rather than try to get reality to fit what they want. I have also gone through a bitter divorce and know what it's like; "writing that cheque" to a psycho ex who continuously tried to alienate me from my children was a bitter experience. So you have my deepest sympathies in that regard. Anyway I hope it works out for you and no hard feelings. Hey, I freely admit that I chose my husband poorly and am woman enough to stand up, bow my head low & accept, abide by the divorce court's judgements. I write that check every month in full and on time. I also accept that my poor choice of a husband will greatly reduce my relationship options for the rest of my life. I choose poorly, I pay the price. Men need to pay the price for their poor choices? well so do women & I'm taking my lumps like a big girl. If I want relationships without risk of entanglements I must be prepared to content myself with ONS and anonymous hookup's going forward, I can't have it all my way because I'm a woman. I see that very clearly now & again cannot thank you enough for truth telling, I'll either remain alone or chose one of the more limited options that will at least satisfy my basic sexual needs. Edited November 4, 2011 by soserious1
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) Well you were correct in saying that I made a fool's move in expecting that I can get all of the things I want from my relationships. Yes, I enjoy being able to have light social contact ie: dinner,drinks etc as part of an evening but clearly this muddies the casual aspect of a FB relationship. My choices it seems are to risk a repeat (or worse) of this situation or to take away the social aspects of things so that it is crystal clear that these encounters are in no way,shape or form "casual dating" Thank you for setting me straight, I owe you a debt of gratitute I don't see anything wrong with having light social contact along with the sex part... as long as you made it clear there was nothing more than that... which you did. If he chose to broke the 'rules', it doesn't mean the next guy will. The problem isn't your rules... the 'problem' are people who can't abide by the rules as set forth in the beginning of the relationship and then seek to change the rules later in a way that is not respectful of the other party. You are doing the right thing by ending it... and that is enough. For everyone else... Think about this folks... alot of you want to judge the OP, but this applies to ANY relationship... Every relationship has rules of some kind. They may not be your rules... but there are ALWAYS rules. To the extent that each one of us are capable of stating what our boundaries are (whatever they are), stick to our agreements, and respect the other person's rules are what make us caring human beings. Regarding the 'reverse' gender argument.... if a man said he wanted a FWB and came here complaining about her wanting more, he'd be within his rights too. The problem are people who do FWB thinking it will lead to a legitimate relationship. I'd argue there is no such thing as a FWB. If you are having sex with someone and you are not looking for a commitment, then you have a f*ck buddy. Not a friend. For people who have or are having so-called FWB??? Stop f*cking up the concept of real friendship. And stop f*cking up the concept of a real committed relationship. If you are too damaged to commit to anyone, go find a prostitute, use your hand, and call your arrangements something other than anything that involves the word 'friend'. Edited November 4, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 It's actually very silly to talk about a guy violating one's "boundaries" by bringing his kids over uninvited when you have been having sex with the guy for three months. Those were the rules. They don't have to be your rules. But they both agreed to them and he broke them. It is no different than two people who get married and one of them cheats... if the 'rules' were that they were both supposed to refrain from sex with other people. It is no different than two people who share a bank account, and one of them decides to purchase something above their agreed upon limit. Every relationship has rules. It is disrespectful for one party to decide they don't like the rules and then just break them.... Attempting to renegotiate is fine... That is not what this guy did. Attempting a renegotiation would be him calling with his cell phone from the end of the street saying he is in the neighborhood... or calling in advance to talk about her meeting his kids. Not an 'ambush'.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) There ya go. It's quite clear from re-reading the very first post that there was no "rule" against randomly dropping by under the pretext of trick or treating. As a matter of fact she said HER professional and personal life were off limits, but she never said HIS were off limits. In any case if someone is going to insist on some very strict rules-based relationship behavior, they had better make sure they've got all the loopholes covered. Next time OP get the guy to sign a written agreement. I suggest making him sign in it in his blood rather than ink. Oh please, now you're jumping the shark here. I met this man on an adult site, he also had rules and his own limits, we were BOTH very clear & in agreement on the boundary that family was off limits. Hell one of the reasons he came here was because his children live with him. I NEVER went to his place. As for next time, there will be no need to have a man sign agreements either in ink or blood,I'll put up a new profile that requests only ONS or casual lunchtime hookup's, we meet in a neutral location for sex & the entire relationship is over in a couple hours from start to finish. No need for small talk or social pleasantries, just drop our laundry, do our business and go. Of course I'm sure you'll find some objection to this as well, some way in which you feel I'm treating some poor,poor man badly by giving him what he asked for. Edited November 5, 2011 by soserious1
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Wouldn't it be easier to just get a vibrator and a case of Energizers? That way you totally avoid the extreme inconvenience of having to deal with the fleshy part that is attached to the penis. I'm not sure exactly what your issue is, why does it make you so darn angry that I want sex sans a relationship?
dasein Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Yeah, QW, OP acknowledged that she needs to align future NSA seeking behavior with reasonable expectations, which is what your first good post was about, now you seem to be just having sport. What gives?
D-Lish Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 It's obviously this guy has developed feelings for you. If you don't want to take things further than fwb- you do have to end it.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 LOL I'm not angry at all. You're the one who's angry. I think you have the mistaken expectation that you can spew your anger about some guy you were boning because he made a relatively minor "false move" (in your opinion) and think that anyone else has to take it as anything other than an indication of your severe emotional instability. I've simply given you a practical suggestion: If you don't want to have sex with real live human beings, that is, the WHOLE human being, then don't. You don't have to. Actually I'm not interested in your unsolicited arm chair diagnosis & since I've decided to adjust my sexual practices I'm not in need of your suggestions as to how to get my sexual needs met either.
D-Lish Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Actually I'm not interested in your unsolicited arm chair diagnosis & since I've decided to adjust my sexual practices I'm not in need of your suggestions as to how to get my sexual needs met either. SS, you don't have to justify your sexual practices to anyone. I've been through a hard divorce, and afterward I did my own thing sexually. Looking back, I know I hurt a few guys. I enjoyed carefree dates, seeing guys when I wanted to, being sexually open, but emotionally closed. One thing I learned is that as women, we tend to believe that men have this ingrained ability to have NSA sex- that's not as often the case as we might believe. Did you see signs of attachment before he showed up on Halloween?
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 No she should not engage in NSA behavior at all. She has no self-control over her emotions, as proven by her completely over the top outrage not only at what her FWB did, but anything even remotely in disagreement with what she has said on the thread. NSA will only work if she can maintain strict emotional stability. OP is so worried about others violating her rules and boundaries when the real issue is her own inability to control how she feels. Therefore NSA will not work for her and will lead to a disaster. Something will happen that she will decide to arbitrarily interpret as a violation of one of her rules and she will have another meltdown. Suppose one of her NSA's does something that he wasn't "supposed to do." Oh my god, he violated a "rule." NSA will NOT work for someone who is so over the top and inappropriately emotional about small, trivial things. What her FWB did was completely trivial and she has magnified it into Mount Olympus. 2 kids being dragged to my door after open discussion and agreement that our families wouldn't be involved in this relationship was hardly trivial to me. But I'll play along here,In order to cut the chances of some poor,poor man misunderstanding my intentions & developing the types of feeling that would inspire him to drag his kids to my house, I've got a new system. Do you think meeting strangers in bars, banging them in the restroom & leaving immediately afterwards would be anonymous enough that there would be no way the men involved could mistake my intentions ?
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 SS, you don't have to justify your sexual practices to anyone. I've been through a hard divorce, and afterward I did my own thing sexually. Looking back, I know I hurt a few guys. I enjoyed carefree dates, seeing guys when I wanted to, being sexually open, but emotionally closed. One thing I learned is that as women, we tend to believe that men have this ingrained ability to have NSA sex- that's not as often the case as we might believe. Did you see signs of attachment before he showed up on Halloween? First of Dlish, I met him on an adult site, his profile was almost a mirror image of my own, a bad divorce, a busy career with most of his focus being on his current obligations to his kids. He stated that he was open to ONS & very casual sexual connections, he also said "I do not desire a relationship" As far as signs of attachment, he never displayed any sort of inappropriate things like gifting, we'd both agreed that we wouldn't acknowledge things like b/days or holidays. On one or two occasions he started to talk about his ex, I gently hushed him & reminded him that our time together was about physical pleasure & let it go, it's hard to spend several hrs with someone and NEVER slip up in conversation. I've had FWB make similar conversational slips and often times they'll catch themselves doing it, we'll laugh and just resume lighter conversation, no biggie. If a FWB talks about his real world problems a lot or asks a ton of inappropriate questions, that's a different story, it's a clear red flag that it's time to end the arrangement... I wasn't getting any of that from him.
dasein Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I still think finding professional types in bars 30 min plus from your home is good. Try to find guys who don't live there, but travel in from time to time. You are going to have to balance convenience v risk here. It's easy to let them come to your house, but then they know where you live. I'm kind of amazed you have been doing it this way anway given your stated parameters. Instead of spending money on an escort service, spend it on hotels. Limit the socializing to whatever is in the hotel, that way the "date" vibe gets turned way down because few hotels really have that romantic datey ambiance. Alternate paying for the hotel room and use different hotels. In your shoes I wouldn't be letting any strangers found for NSA near my house, and probably wouldn't go to theirs either, too familiar, too risky.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 I still think finding professional types in bars 30 min plus from your home is good. Try to find guys who don't live there, but travel in from time to time. You are going to have to balance convenience v risk here. It's easy to let them come to your house, but then they know where you live. I'm kind of amazed you have been doing it this way anway given your stated parameters. Instead of spending money on an escort service, spend it on hotels. Limit the socializing to whatever is in the hotel, that way the "date" vibe gets turned way down because few hotels really have that romantic datey ambiance. Alternate paying for the hotel room and use different hotels. In your shoes I wouldn't be letting any strangers found for NSA near my house, and probably wouldn't go to theirs either, too familiar, too risky. I can count on one hand the number of times a man has come here, I usually do the hotel deal (I pay).The few times this guy came here was due to it either being really late or the hotels within reasonable driving distance not having any vacancies. You give good advice though & I'm taking notes, thank you.
D-Lish Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 First of Dlish, I met him on an adult site, his profile was almost a mirror image of my own, a bad divorce, a busy career with most of his focus being on his current obligations to his kids. He stated that he was open to ONS & very casual sexual connections, he also said "I do not desire a relationship" As far as signs of attachment, he never displayed any sort of inappropriate things like gifting, we'd both agreed that we wouldn't acknowledge things like b/days or holidays. On one or two occasions he started to talk about his ex, I gently hushed him & reminded him that our time together was about physical pleasure & let it go, it's hard to spend several hrs with someone and NEVER slip up in conversation. I've had FWB make similar conversational slips and often times they'll catch themselves doing it, we'll laugh and just resume lighter conversation, no biggie. If a FWB talks about his real world problems a lot or asks a ton of inappropriate questions, that's a different story, it's a clear red flag that it's time to end the arrangement... I wasn't getting any of that from him. People say things they don't mean sometimes. I recently met a guy that was on Intimate Encounters on POF- I clicked his thumbnail, not realizing- and he messaged me. We developed a "friendship"- His profile specified he wasn't interested in anything relationship oriented- yet he became attached... People lie, people change their minds, people say one thing and mean another... If you've been clear about your intentions and one of the guy's you are seeing crosses a line- It's not like you've misrepresented yourself or led someone on. It's fine to cut it off when and how you see fit.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Don't you find it disturbing that you put so much effort into compartmentalizing your emotional boundaries yet you care so little for the ramifications of "health boundaries" associated with multiple sex partners? Just because you use condoms does not preclude you from STD's. I know you stated that you want nothing with emotions but shouldnt your health come first ? In the long run. I know you adjusted your sexual practices but still. I use condoms, spermicide & dental dams for oral, I've also learned how to playfully but discretely check for cuts, open wounds, sores or discharge as well as looking for the tell tale signs of an IV drug user, much in the same way as a professional call girl would. I am also tested regularly. Yes there is still risk, no sexually active person is totally 100% sure of not being exposed to an STD unless they are in a monogamous relationship, both parties have been tested & both partners remain sexually faithful. My ex-husband didn't & at this stage of the game I place little faith in the monogamy option to protect me from STD's.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 No it would not be which is why you shouldn't do this. I like sex but don't like or want a relationship, I wish to meet men who also like sex but don't like or want relationships. If you have suggestions as to how to go about this, I'm interested.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Yeah but you have tripled your chances of contracting an STD. Well you ultimately have to live in your own skin, but seriously, you need to be careful meeting partners off the internet. Unless you see test results in your hand from a lab or doctor's office I wouldn't take anyones word for it. We all have to weigh the risks/benefits of everything we do, for me the risks involved here are less than the potential risks of a relationship.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Yeah, that is where I don't see your rationale. From what I am gathering you would rather risk your physical health with multiple partners then sustain the possibility of emotional damage in a relationship? I don't wish to put myself again in a position where I will be expected to give lavishly of my time, money or emotions in order to sustain a relationship. I haven't found monogamy to yield enough benefits to justify the enormous amounts of personal sacrifices it requires.
Author soserious1 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 I tried to do that but you got angry with me. It doesn't really sound like the kind of sex you do is much fun--condoms, spermicides, dental dams? Those are necessities in your case because of the situation but they sure don't make for optimally enjoyable sex. Also if you have an understanding of human nature you will realize that if you are having enjoyable sex with a guy over and over then odds are good he will want to try to escalate that into a relationship at some point. If you have sex with another person whatever the original ground rules there is always going to be a possibility they will want to turn it into a relationship especially if the sex is good. If for no other reason then to assure a steady supply of good sex. This is going to happen over and over and if you get so emotionally riled up every time it does you shouldn't bother. Although I am against having affairs, your situation suggests it might be more practical for you to set up a situation where you are an OW to some married guy who just wants some on the side but isn't looking to get divorced. The safer sex practices I employ should be standard fare for EVERYONE sleeping with an untested partner. There are ways to implement these methods in a manner that's playful & doesn't detract from the mood of the moment. It very well may be that I will have to decide to have only one encounter with each man to totally minimize the risk that one of the poor guys will develop feelings despite the fact that I met him on an adult site. As to your suggestion that I involve myself knowingly in a long term sexual relationship with a married guy I have only 2 words HELL NO!
Recommended Posts