ImaManDammit Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know that most of these posts start off with complaints so I’m going to start with something positive. I have been dating this woman for about 5 months now. For the most part, it’s been good. She’s funny and although doesn’t have a fulltime job, she works on contract and does a lot with very little. She’s a good mom from what I can see, and is very nurturing and attentive to me and of course I am very attracted to her and we have a good sex life (should mention at this point that I am very traditional when it comes to sex) So this is where I struggle. She’s a single mother of 3, from two fathers. The first child was a teen pregnancy. The father and she were together for 3 years until she left due to physical and verbal abuse. She has two relationships between the first father and the second father. The first relationship was with a man who was 10 years older than her, which she left because he was trying to be like a father to her. The next relationship was 6 years younger than her and she left him because he lied about what he did among other things about his life. The next partner she was with, she was with him for 10 years and had two other children with. She left him because he was passive aggressive; thought the woman should be responsible for taking care of the home and lied to her about marrying her after she had the children. After that relationship, she met a guy who in the end she discovered he had a coke habit, and the relationship ended when he asked for S&M and it went beyond being playful, (although she tried it twice before she put a stop to it). He also asked her for money, and when she denied him, he threatened to kill her and her kids to the point she had a restraining order put against him. The last guy prior to me was an alcoholic who believed in keeping their lives and things separate and also had some odd rules when it came to sex. In the end she left him because he chose booze over her. To explain all these experiences in picking bad men, she blames her parents (who she left when she was 16) that there was no one to guide her in relationships and she had no siblings to help mentor her in a good relationship. So it wasn’t until later in life that she realized how screwed up her parents were. Her mom was bi-polar and the dad had anger management issues or was never around. As far as negative experience with me, the mere mention that I find a Hollywood actress attractive incurs the wrath of god with the cliché saying, you’re just like all other men. “Objectifying women”. I mentioned that I have watched porn or that my favourite is 70’s porn because it’s funny and has a plot and still here about it today. As a write this things becomes clearer, but shouldn’t I be concerned about her ability to be in a relationship? Should I believe her when she says we have the same values? That she has just had a run of bad luck with men? I like her a lot but find these issues about her past very concerning. Help.
AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 You met a woman- started sleeping with her first and NOW you're questioning her past? The problem here might be you. Sounds like you're looking for drama and if you hopped into bed with her before you even knew she was compatible with you then I'd say you're not much better than she is. I know that most of these posts start off with complaints so I’m going to start with something positive. I have been dating this woman for about 5 months now. For the most part, it’s been good. She’s funny and although doesn’t have a fulltime job, she works on contract and does a lot with very little. She’s a good mom from what I can see, and is very nurturing and attentive to me and of course I am very attracted to her and we have a good sex life (should mention at this point that I am very traditional when it comes to sex) So this is where I struggle. She’s a single mother of 3, from two fathers. The first child was a teen pregnancy. The father and she were together for 3 years until she left due to physical and verbal abuse. She has two relationships between the first father and the second father. The first relationship was with a man who was 10 years older than her, which she left because he was trying to be like a father to her. The next relationship was 6 years younger than her and she left him because he lied about what he did among other things about his life. The next partner she was with, she was with him for 10 years and had two other children with. She left him because he was passive aggressive; thought the woman should be responsible for taking care of the home and lied to her about marrying her after she had the children. After that relationship, she met a guy who in the end she discovered he had a coke habit, and the relationship ended when he asked for S&M and it went beyond being playful, (although she tried it twice before she put a stop to it). He also asked her for money, and when she denied him, he threatened to kill her and her kids to the point she had a restraining order put against him. The last guy prior to me was an alcoholic who believed in keeping their lives and things separate and also had some odd rules when it came to sex. In the end she left him because he chose booze over her. To explain all these experiences in picking bad men, she blames her parents (who she left when she was 16) that there was no one to guide her in relationships and she had no siblings to help mentor her in a good relationship. So it wasn’t until later in life that she realized how screwed up her parents were. Her mom was bi-polar and the dad had anger management issues or was never around. As far as negative experience with me, the mere mention that I find a Hollywood actress attractive incurs the wrath of god with the cliché saying, you’re just like all other men. “Objectifying women”. I mentioned that I have watched porn or that my favourite is 70’s porn because it’s funny and has a plot and still here about it today. As a write this things becomes clearer, but shouldn’t I be concerned about her ability to be in a relationship? Should I believe her when she says we have the same values? That she has just had a run of bad luck with men? I like her a lot but find these issues about her past very concerning. Help.
InJest Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 How often did you get laid before you met this girl? I'm guessing you're only with her because you like getting your traditional sex, and the girls that will give it to you are few an far between. Seems like the only logical reason you would stay with such a bad catch in this situation.
GorillaTheater Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 The biggest red flag to me is the fact that, from her perspective, she ended all of these previous relationships because of the "man's issues". That tells me that she either can't or won't own her issues. Hell, we all have "issues", including her. Her inability to acknowledge them means that they likely never get resolved, and just get worse over time. And now she sees "issues" with you. Big surprise. "Objectifying women" because you mention that some starlet is attractive. The horror. I'm not giving you the ol' "kick her to the curb" advise, but I do suggest you go into this with both eyes open. Stand your ground. Call her on her sh*t. Don't be tempted to submerge who you are out of fear of her reactions. She owns her reactions, not you. And if the sh*t gets too thick, THEN kick her to the curb.
Author ImaManDammit Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 You met a woman- started sleeping with her first and NOW you're questioning her past? The problem here might be you. Sounds like you're looking for drama and if you hopped into bed with her before you even knew she was compatible with you then I'd say you're not much better than she is. So that's the help you provide from taking away from what I wrote? To be clear. I didn't ask her about her past. Isn't that rule number one on this site? Let the past be the past? Her past was offered to me later on when I was challenged by her attitude of being called just another man. I didn't just jump into the sack with her. We dated for awhile before we became comfortable enough to extend our relationship there. Then, after 3 months we got along great except when "objectifying women" things started to happen. Unlike some guys in her past, I tried to talk to her about it and that's where she provided me the info. I'm not questioning compatibility, but the capability of knowing what she wants from a relationship and being there in the end. But thanks.
Author ImaManDammit Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 How often did you get laid before you met this girl? I'm guessing you're only with her because you like getting your traditional sex, and the girls that will give it to you are few an far between. Seems like the only logical reason you would stay with such a bad catch in this situation. Oddly enough, every woman I meet and have gone out with say they want or are into traditional sex.....what they reveal later on is a different story. I don't have trouble getting laid because I'm a commitment guy and mean it. The true test is when the relationship progresses and they reveal other needs that they apparently have. BTW to be clear, traditional to me means, no S&M, Bondage, swinging, tools or apartuses, and definitely no swinging. If you took it to mean missionary only and only missionary, that's not what I meant. AND I also believe stuff like oral and anal etc, is something that is shared as you build the relationship, not trying to do it all in the first sitting. To me, that builds intimacy. But it's interesting you said "bad catch". So all sex stuff aside, you are saying that the stuff I have said would send concerns if it were you?
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 If she has done nothing between her past relationships and you to address her issues...i.e., therapy...then no. Her relationship skills and her ability to trust, and be giving and loving with you, are not going to be there. WHERE and WHEN would she have developed those skills and the necessary insight into herself and into men? Not with any of the guys she let into her life. Do you have reason to believe that she has learned, grown, matured and understands her own issues?
Trovador Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I just wonder where is the positive in the original topic?
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