AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I'll try to keep this short. My fiancee and I dated for almost two years. I won't lie... it was ugly sometimes...very ugly. He had a violent temper and I am the unresponsive, cry and hide in the corner type. It was pretty bad. It should have probably ended a long time ago but we did love each other with out a doubt. He would get mad and not talk to me for a week... even calling it a break up... then he'd text me out of nowhere asking how my day was like the "break" had never happened. I thought that is what he was doing recently. I didn't hear from him for almost 3 weeks. We had an argument because he suddenly picked up and moved 3 hours away and wanted me to come with him at the last minute... I have a job, and a kid in school where I live. So I told him I couldn't move with him at the moment and he wasn't happy about it but we didn't "break up"... he texted me for 3 days after that like nothing was wrong... then I stopped hearing from him (typical). So anyhow I finally texted him after three weeks and said, "Hey are we still together? I miss you and I love you and I feel like I am caught in limbo." He responded back that he had moved on and said goodbye to me. I was hurt but I was okay. Then a week ago (one month since the last time I saw him) he texted and said he loved me and couldn't believe that his career choices led him away from me and he said he was broken hearted. I responded kindly and said the same things. Then he kept saying things about the fact that I didn't come with him and I got the hint that he was saying (or thinking), "I moved on for real (dating wise) and I am reminding you over and over that you didn't move here like I asked so that when you find out I am with someone else you won't be surprised and pissed." <- so I bluffed and told him I knew he was seeing someone else and he basically confirmed it and told me we broke up when he called me and I wouldn't move with him. He did say that he tried to move on and it wasn't working well because his heart was with me. I responded with a VERY heartfelt, hurt message telling him how shocked and hurt i was that he moved on so quickly and how hurt I was that he was having a sexual relationship with someone else so soon. I told him I was inconsolably upset and that i didn't understand why he would seal our fate like that (he knows that having sex with another girl means we're done for good... it's just how I am). That was a week ago and I haven't heard a word since then. He never responded to that text^ and I haven't seen him or anything. It hurts a lot because I am left to assume that I am hurting and he isn't... that he is happy with someone else over night and doesn't like me. I know we weren't and won't work out, but could he really have forgotten me this soon? Keep in mind that we had a very very intense passionate relationship. My question... how do guys handle this type of thing? I am asking... is he hurting and just not texting because he knows I am pissed, does he just not care, or is because of this new girl? Sitting here assuming that he just forgot me that quickly is destroying me.
rightfield Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 First of all, you need to end all contact with him so that you can start your healing process. There are some things in your post that are red flags for someone who is abusive and who craves drama. If he is one of those, be thankful that you didn't get into a much longer relationship with him, including marriage, kids, etc. It isn't uncommon for both men and women to soothe the pain of a breakup by jumping into another relationship right away. Regardless, you need to focus less on what you think he feels, and more on taking care of yourself. He will likely contact you again, if he needs a drama fix. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into communicating with him. It will be like ripping off bandages for you, and will set you back in your healing process. Take some time to be alone, learn some things about yourself and what you want in life, spend time with friends and family, and after a while, you'll feel much better. Then, go out and find someone who will treat you well.
verhrzn Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 This is what they call an "abusive relationship." Hun... read your own post. He has a violent temper. He ignores you for days/weeks on end and won't address issues. He demanded you immediately drop everything and move with him, not taking your needs into account at all (having a kid in school at the very least.) The man is a manipulative, selfish user, and you need to get away from him as far and as fast as you can.
Author AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 I know, that's what everyone say to me about him and you're all right about it. But the thing I am having a hard time coming to grips with is the fact that this guy I did sooooo much for and put up with so much from dumped me- Everyone says how great I am and how I can find better but if I am so great why was he able to drop me like a bad habit and move on like I never existed. It's that part that is holding me back emotionally. It doesn't matter how much I know that he was bad for me. My pride is hurt and my self esteem is lower now. All the abuse, etc aside. I just don't get it... how could he move on so fast and not even try to contact me? Are some people capable of falling out of love overnight? Or is he playing a game with me? One day he was "in love" and the next day there was someone else. And then poof he disappeared like I never knew him... I don't even know where he lives exactly now.
blueskyday Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 He did you a favor by moving. You wouldn't have been able to leave him. He is abusive, selfish, and not concerned with you or your feelings. That's why he could be with someone else so quickly. It probably didn't work out with that woman, and he is now scrambling to get you back. Don't fall for it. Fate has stepped in and relieved you of his abuse. You are getting stronger everyday you are away from him. He will not be able to have a normal, reciprocal relationship. He's incapable of a mutual partnership. I've been where you are. You will get stronger every day you are away from him. Repeat that to yourself. What helps is to focus on you and your needs. You've been so fixated on what HE needs for so long, that you don't know where to put your energy and focus now that he is gone. Put it on yourself. Think of what you want and need today. Eat, sleep, etc. when YOU want to. Isn't it nice not to have to deal with his moods? You are out of the abuse. Stay out of it. Keep your kids out of it. Sometimes we will do for our kids what we won't for ourselves. You don't want them living with an abuser. Even if he isn't abusing them, they are learning it. Be bold and close your heart to this guy. Keep it all business if he calls. Tell him it is over and to leave you alone. You deserve so much better. Being alone is a big improvement over being with him. And when you are alone, you will be free to meet someone who values and respects you the way you deserve to be. Believe that a good relationship is possible. But you will never, ever have it while you are with him. Be free. You already are. This is a good thing!
Mrlonelyone Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 You need to mail him back his ring, then break all contact with him (assuming the child isn't his right.) It will be hard and every neuron in your brain will be flooded with love chemicals telling you to do whatever to be with him. Don't listen to them. You are a human being, think of this clearly and objectively. Listen to that more evolved part of your brain that wrote that first post and leave him. Think of what kind of person you want your child to be and ask....will this person help you to raise that kind of person?
Author AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 Wow, Blue... I can tell from your response that you have been exactly where I am previously. You're so right. I wouldn't have ever been able to leave him. And now that he is gone I was so used to cleaning up after him emotionally that I don't really know what to do now. And oddly enough about five minutes ago I heard from him for the first time in a week. He texted, "Angel, I just read the heart felt email you wrote me for the first time. The one you wrote me for my birthday back in August. I don't know what to say except a love like yours is rare tho I always knew and think about it. I feel so horrable for all the times I was rough or angry with you. I've found it next to impossible to forgive myself or live with myself because of it. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the hurt I've caused you. If we are ever emotionally secure enough with ourselves maybe we can spend some time together again one day." (complete with his spelling errors) lol I am not responding He did you a favor by moving. You wouldn't have been able to leave him. He is abusive, selfish, and not concerned with you or your feelings. That's why he could be with someone else so quickly. It probably didn't work out with that woman, and he is now scrambling to get you back. Don't fall for it. Fate has stepped in and relieved you of his abuse. You are getting stronger everyday you are away from him. He will not be able to have a normal, reciprocal relationship. He's incapable of a mutual partnership. I've been where you are. You will get stronger every day you are away from him. Repeat that to yourself. What helps is to focus on you and your needs. You've been so fixated on what HE needs for so long, that you don't know where to put your energy and focus now that he is gone. Put it on yourself. Think of what you want and need today. Eat, sleep, etc. when YOU want to. Isn't it nice not to have to deal with his moods? You are out of the abuse. Stay out of it. Keep your kids out of it. Sometimes we will do for our kids what we won't for ourselves. You don't want them living with an abuser. Even if he isn't abusing them, they are learning it. Be bold and close your heart to this guy. Keep it all business if he calls. Tell him it is over and to leave you alone. You deserve so much better. Being alone is a big improvement over being with him. And when you are alone, you will be free to meet someone who values and respects you the way you deserve to be. Believe that a good relationship is possible. But you will never, ever have it while you are with him. Be free. You already are. This is a good thing!
Author AngelTheSadPanda Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 As soon as I have his address the ring goes back. And no my daughter isn't his child. (I was married 10 years previously). You need to mail him back his ring, then break all contact with him (assuming the child isn't his right.) It will be hard and every neuron in your brain will be flooded with love chemicals telling you to do whatever to be with him. Don't listen to them. You are a human being, think of this clearly and objectively. Listen to that more evolved part of your brain that wrote that first post and leave him. Think of what kind of person you want your child to be and ask....will this person help you to raise that kind of person?
Mrlonelyone Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Good. I hope you have the inner strength to stay this course. Trust me, no one deserves what he has done which you described. There has to be someone who will treat you and your daughter with decency and respect. There are worse things than being alone.
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