stunned8165 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I have been posting here for about a month. I got some great input from many of you and thank you all for that. But I wanted to hear more from the ladies on my situation. I'm doing well with moving on other then still having that empty feeling in my gut which has gooten much better. The biggest hole comes from missing the kids.. I'm going to copy and paste a quick run down on my situation........... [sIZE=3]I dated a girl for three years, we did get engaged, who has two young children who just turned 4 and 5 in August. They have no dad in their lives. I am the only Dad they know. I raised them for three years like they were my own, my family adopted them in as if she was my wife and those were my children, I paid the bills when we decided to live together in my home, great area, grade a schools, did 90% of the laundry, took care of the cars, yard, helped cleaned the house and even taught the 5 year old girl how to write her name before kindergarten. The children were from two different fathers. She's 35 years old and I was very good to her. But what does she do?.. She cheats on me with her boss. Leaves me for him. She had a hard time with her kids because she did not give them the same attention i did. They listened to me but not to her very well. She always seemed angry and would curse in their faces a lot. She seemed to have loved going to work more then being home and cherishing a nice stable family life and home. I do believe there were some self esteem issues in there too. But then we have the boss of a seedy little sandwich shop with a small bar. Business can't be that good either because I know for a fact that they get their electric shut off every month. ( i have a friend that works for the power company) ...... I know he always put her on a pedistoll because she is a hard worker. And frankly, that place probably wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for her. But thats all she seemed to care about for months. He became her best friend and I know longer was. She stopped flirting with me and began with him from what I hear. The guy has nothing on me as far as appearence, character and integrity because if he did, he wouldn't screw around with any of his employess to begin with. Much less see that my ex is engaged, has two kids with no dad but knows I have been their dad for three years, we lived to gether as a family and have three years ofhistory with no fighting. He known to get with his employees and when it doesn't work out, he pushes them into the un employment line evetually. One gave up her home, moved in with him and moved out two months later because rumor has it he's a real jerk. Then he stalked her. But then I heard there was another he did the same thing to including driving by her house after she dumped him because he was a jerk..... Then I just don't understand how a woman can just up root everything we have grown for three years and replace me with this guy. Talk about confusing the kids... I can't imagine how confused they must be. Going from the man they loved and called daddy, to some new guy she tells them is just mommies friend. Kids aren't that dumb. The girl is a very wise 5 year old.... How can women do this?... [/sIZE]
AlisaMarie Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Stunned, coming from a woman with a child... her actions would be more acceptable if she were... um... 12? I cannot wrap my head around why a 35 year old woman would put her kids and you through this. Seems very selfish. From what you stated, you had a good relationship with her. You did much for her and her kids so I am at a lost for words. You're right, those children are not stupid! They know what's going on, and even though you are not their biological father, you are their father. I am in a similar situation. My ex has a young son that I was a stay at home mom to for 2 years. He's hopped between me and a girl he works with and is now with her. Poor thing kissed me goodnight... then woke up to her the next day! It just seems like she used you because she fantasied about having a family and you delivered on that. And her boss? People need to learn to stop sh*tting where they eat. She's going to lose her job, and you're not going to be there to save her.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 She had a hard time with her kids because she did not give them the same attention i did. They listened to me but not to her very well. She always seemed angry and would curse in their faces a lot. She seemed to have loved going to work more then being home and cherishing a nice stable family life and home.She was not ready to have children, did not want them, and resented having them. That should have been your warning sign that she was not the kind of woman to get involved with or stay involved with, if you wanted a family life. Surely, you saw some of these signs when you were dating? Or when she moved in and you paid for everything and took care of her and the kids? This woman is obviously someone who gets in relationships for herself, and she has issues. She was damaged emotionally long before you got involved with her, and continues to be. Instead of asking why she is the way she is, ask yourself why you needed to be captain save-a-ho?
AlisaMarie Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Instead of asking why she is the way she is, ask yourself why you needed to be captain save-a-ho? OMG! Yes... be captain save-a-good girl that really doesn't need saved. Someone that is on your level.
Author stunned8165 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 OMG! Yes... be captain save-a-good girl that really doesn't need saved. Someone that is on your level. Well. I did see the red flags in the beginning and ran twice. But she chased me down. I kept my gaurd up for a long time. But she actually came a long way in two years before we moved in together. I chose to pay the bills. Told her just to worry about groceries and what the kids needed. .. But I chose not to judge her by where she was at in life, I chose to judge her by what she wanted in life. It was fater she moved it it seems the reality kicked in and she couldn't handle it. So sad. those kids lost so much. Including extended family ie my little cousins which became theirs. My ex has no family except her mother. Now what do they have? If it wasn't for my family, those kids would have never had anyone at their birthday parties, holidays etc. .. I know that creep played on her emotions. She was weak, had some emotional issues but played her. I don't only blame him, of coarse I blame her too for not being stronger. I was good to her, always told her she looked pretty, that I loved her etc. I did everything right..
AlisaMarie Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Well. I did see the red flags in the beginning and ran twice. But she chased me down. I kept my gaurd up for a long time. But she actually came a long way in two years before we moved in together. I chose to pay the bills. Told her just to worry about groceries and what the kids needed. .. But I chose not to judge her by where she was at in life, I chose to judge her by what she wanted in life. It was fater she moved it it seems the reality kicked in and she couldn't handle it. So sad. those kids lost so much. Including extended family ie my little cousins which became theirs. My ex has no family except her mother. Now what do they have? If it wasn't for my family, those kids would have never had anyone at their birthday parties, holidays etc. .. I know that creep played on her emotions. She was weak, had some emotional issues but played her. I don't only blame him, of coarse I blame her too for not being stronger. I was good to her, always told her she looked pretty, that I loved her etc. I did everything right.. IF you feel that you did everything right, then you can move on with a clear head. I feel the same for my ex and his son. I did everything. I rarely even bitched at him for everything I put forth. I only complained when I felt I was being neglected and taken advantage of. (I always was.) We were caregivers and enablers. My ex gas lighted everything and made me out to be someone that did nothing for them so there was certainly emotional abuse taken on my end. I commend you for your kindness. I try to look at it this way... and I am no bible thumper here... but God wanted me in that child's life for whatever reason. I protected and supported him. I taught him so much and he even took his first steps with me when nobody else would work with him. I gave him the head start that he needed... as you were a blessing to her children. It's hard to let go because even though they weren't our kids... it felt like it. Facing never seeing that little boy again rips my heart out. Look at it this way... now you are freed up to begin a life of your own. Trust in faith that those children will be alright and do you best to move on. Easier said than done.. for sure.
Author stunned8165 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 IF you feel that you did everything right, then you can move on with a clear head. I feel the same for my ex and his son. I did everything. I rarely even bitched at him for everything I put forth. I only complained when I felt I was being neglected and taken advantage of. (I always was.) We were caregivers and enablers. My ex gas lighted everything and made me out to be someone that did nothing for them so there was certainly emotional abuse taken on my end. I commend you for your kindness. I try to look at it this way... and I am no bible thumper here... but God wanted me in that child's life for whatever reason. I protected and supported him. I taught him so much and he even took his first steps with me when nobody else would work with him. I gave him the head start that he needed... as you were a blessing to her children. It's hard to let go because even though they weren't our kids... it felt like it. Facing never seeing that little boy again rips my heart out. Look at it this way... now you are freed up to begin a life of your own. Trust in faith that those children will be alright and do you best to move on. Easier said than done.. for sure. Thanks.... I know in my heart I did the right thing all along. I let her step over my boundries too for the sake of our relationship and the kids... What hurts the most is being shut out with no contact. Not knowing how the kids are, not knowing what the were going to be for Halloween when the last three Halloweens I was with them and took them Trick r Treating... not knowing anything. ... Whats your thought on this e mail from her around sept 23rd in response to mine? On Sun, Sep 18, 2011 at 8:26 PM, I wrote: I just got back from a long weekend in Biloxi.... On the way back, I stopped at Wal-Mart to pick something up in Crestview or where ever it was. I saw in the kids section a T-shirt that was so cool. It had a picture of a little girl at a desk in school and it said " a ninja monkey stole my home work... I wanted to buy it and send it to her but I wasn't sure what size to get being I haven't seen or heard their voices in months.... I had a very hard time keeping my composure. I have a hard time in any store I go into because I just want to buy them a little something as a surprise like I use to. I miss them so much. Thanks alot She wrote back........ John, I am not sure what you really want me to say to you....I am sorry that you feel like I am the only one to blame in this whole situation but you were at fault to....I did not leave you for any other reason other than the fact you acted as though you were not happy and you had no trust in me what so ever...and no you don't see the kids or hear there voices it is to much on them kadynce still talks bout you and says she misses you and hopes you have a new girlfriend but i am not confusing my kids or hurting them anymore than they have been hurt.....They are both doing well things are good with us.....well glad to see you are going and doing the things that you wanted to go now you have no one holding you back....hope all is good with you!!!!!!!!!!! The part about the not trusting her is nonsense. Even when I had a suspision something was going on. She basically shut down on me. And no, I wasn't happy because I don't know where my girl friend went emotionally...
wilsonx Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Thanks.... I know in my heart I did the right thing all along. I let her step over my boundries too for the sake of our relationship and the kids... What hurts the most is being shut out with no contact. Not knowing how the kids are, not knowing what the were going to be for Halloween when the last three Halloweens I was with them and took them Trick r Treating... not knowing anything. ... Whats your thought on this e mail from her around sept 23rd in response to mine? This is where you are wrong. This entire quote is wrong. The part I bolded was absolutely wrong. You let her step over your boundaries. That's your fault. Boundaries are there for a reason. They aren't your kids. You have no obligation to them. You are not their caretaker. Their mom is. No Contact is the best thing for you. Is what I am saying selfish? Absolutely not. The email doesn't matter. How long has it been since the breakup. Its over man, you have to start accepting it. You have made post after post after post on this same subject, girls have given you advice on this. You are going to put yourself into a deep dark depression if you do not start doing stuff for you in your life and letting go of this. I can give you a good suggestion. Get a dog, take him/her to dog parks and meet other people with dogs
Author stunned8165 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 This is where you are wrong. This entire quote is wrong. The part I bolded was absolutely wrong. You let her step over your boundaries. That's your fault. Boundaries are there for a reason. They aren't your kids. You have no obligation to them. You are not their caretaker. Their mom is. No Contact is the best thing for you. Is what I am saying selfish? Absolutely not. The email doesn't matter. How long has it been since the breakup. Its over man, you have to start accepting it. You have made post after post after post on this same subject, girls have given you advice on this. You are going to put yourself into a deep dark depression if you do not start doing stuff for you in your life and letting go of this. I can give you a good suggestion. Get a dog, take him/her to dog parks and meet other people with dogs Wilson, I appreciate your input. But slow down man..lol.. I feel better doing this especially after yesterday (Halloween).. I have TWO dogs I take to the dog park. I have a couple of women I'm dating. I go to the gym, I work all day long, I have a huge family at my side and an army of friends. A Honda VTZ1300 I ride along the beach to breath.. Venting this way gives some release. Hearing what some women say makes me feel better too. It's been 5 months I know. But you haven't a clue what I invested, what I dealt with and how being shut out like you were a criminal feels like. Not knowing what those kids are doing or how they are? It's so easy for someone on the other side to say these things like just move on. You have know idea unless you were in my shoes.... But my point is, I'm moving forward. I'm giving it my all. But to me, venting here in this forum helps me tremendously. : ).. It really does. Isn't that what this place is for?... everyone has there own way of releasing, and moving on. I'm not falling into a deep dark depression. Far from it!... I won't allow it. I just find other peoples opinion helpful and interesting..
geegirl Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Stunned, I know it is hard for you to come to terms with the break up, especially losing those kids, but in some way Wilson is right. It's been 5 months since the break up. You've posted nearly the same thing over and over again, quoting snippets and reposting your story numerous times to get opinions and if you look back, those opinions are the same each and every time. Sometimes, when you keep dwelling and obsessing, you keep yourself stuck. You may think talking it out is helping you move forward but what is actually happening is that you're fanning the flame. You're reminding yourself of your obsession. At some point you have to let go. You can keep asking for opinions to validate your feelings, and they will always be the same. Granted those kids mean a lot to you, but at some point you have to let go of this woman and what she's done to you. I know letting go is never easy, but at some point you have to stop yourself and venture elsewhere. I'm not trivializing your situation but stating that the obsessing and dwelling can sometimes keep you stuck undefinitely, eventhough other things are happening in your life.
wilsonx Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know exactly what you dealt with... Ive been in your shoes, you have these things, probably a lot more then i have, no focus on those and let go of this soon to be tiny blip on your radar. The more you speak about it, vent about it, the longer you hold on to it.
Author stunned8165 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 I know exactly what you dealt with... Ive been in your shoes, you have these things, probably a lot more then i have, no focus on those and let go of this soon to be tiny blip on your radar. The more you speak about it, vent about it, the longer you hold on to it. What can I say. I miss my family. They were my family for three years. I am angry, hurt, and confused... BUT!.. I know what I have to keep doing.
AlisaMarie Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Adding relationships with children does somewhat complicate things. I have had a couple relationships where the men gave up and walked out and I wondered how could they do that to my daughter. The truth is... they were done with me and already have accepted that my daughter wasn't theirs. Other men in my life that were involved with my daughter couldn't hold a candle to what I did for my recent ex's son. I was the pseudo mom to him and do I miss him? Hell yes I do! Would I still want to see him if I am not involved with my ex? Hell no! Of course I will always care and hope that he turns out okay... but I am not going to send gifts and ask how he's doing. It's not my place. Sadly, he's only 2 and probably won't even remember me! All in all, you said you do things to move on and keep your life going which is terrific. Keep it up and keep the loving memories of those children that you took care of. There is nothing wrong with that! You know your heart! As for the email, she seemed aloof towards you. Not very sincere or concerned with how you are feeling. You must do what it takes to move on.
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