kittenkit Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I'm going to try and express this clumsy thought as best I can. Reading Homebrew's thread about GIGS has made me ponder. I do agree that if someone thinks the grass is greener that you should let them go. They feel the way they feel and so they have to get out. You can't hang on to them. It's already over. Reading Homebrew's GIGS thread is very comforting because it makes you feel like it was a tragic external thing that just couldn't be helped so it's easy to accept it and move on. I felt comforted reading it. But then I thought "But WHY?" Imagine 2 scenarios: one where a person breaks up with their partner because they have GIGS and one where a person breaks up with their partner because they they are selfish don't appreciate what they have. The scenarios are identical, but one we are describing as a syndrome and the other is bad behaviour. In both cases the dumpee has no option but to let the person go. In both cases, the dumpee cannot fix the problem because it is inside the other person. In both cases the dumpee can do better. In both cases, the relationship turns out not to be what the dumpee wants, no matter how good it appeared to be beforehand. In both cases, the dumpee is not accepting the behaviour and demonstrating this by walking away. Why is it easier to accept if someone is ill, rather than just in the wrong? Why do we take bad behaviour personally?
wilsonx Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Why is it easier to accept if someone is ill, rather than just in the wrong? Why do we take bad behaviour personally? The person isnt ill or wrong. They made a decision. Its their decision on what they want to do. From your point of view, is it the right decision, probably not but they have a right to their own decisions. That's why you have to let it go. Its hard to accept but it is what it is. You are reading too far into this. Its not a syndrome, its a term coined up (grass is greener on the other side) and has been around for a long time. People have their takes on it and whatever people believe on it is their own choice, there is no right or wrong. Its just a way to cope with a ****ty situation. You know there's a pattern in them as well. I call it the "I love you but not in love with you anymore" pattern. Its there, I can spot it a mile away. The only question I am going to answer is Why do we take bad behavior personally? -Because the dumpers/dumpees in these situations are us. We are who we date. We are a product of our environment. Water seeks its own level. So in essence, if our partner leaves us, it leaves a hole in us. We lose a part of ourselves.
PegNosePete Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 "Syndrome" does not mean it is a disease like catching a cold. GIGS is not a disease, it is simply a way of describing a certain pattern of behaviour, thought processes, mental state and choices. I think this is where your misunderstanding lies. By saying "my ex had GIGS" I am simply saying that she chose to bail because she thought she would be better off on the other side of the fence. I am not saying that she caught some kind of illness or was not in control of her actions.
Author kittenkit Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 Hmmmm.... Perhaps I am confusing things by talking in a general way but in my mind I am thinking of a specific situation. I think if you don't value someone, throw away a perfectly good relationship and then regret it and desperately want that person back, you have to accept that you made a mistake. You were at fault. "Wrong". Not valuing someone is not OK. I mean on one level you are free to make whatever decisions you like and there is no right and wrong in that way, but when you start hurting other people and messing them around and not appreciating what you have then I don't see how you can say that's OK. That is bad behaviour. Or you could say it's a mental illness. But it's not OK to treat people badly. I have definitely misunderstood the whole point of the GIGS thread. Here's a quote from it: So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. If it's not the dumpers fault, but it's not some sort of mental illness then is the suggestion that it's perfectly OK behaviour and there's no reason for anyone to take issue with it? That's ridiculous. I think you are right though - I am over thinking at the moment. I don't know why I keep thinking I can make sense of things. I don't completely understand myself - how can I hope to understand my ex and the complexities of our relationship. I'll drive myself mad dissecting it.
Rorschach64 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Well think about it like this, the dumper probably thinks they are doing the right thing. They believe it full and truly, subjective relativism My twist on GIGs is to actually forgive the dumper interally but still seek an apology if they decide to return and roger up on their mistakes and their cruelity. Letting the person come back without at least talking about the break up and apologizing just sets the new relationship up for failure. This doesn't apply if the break up was mutual and not messy crap flinging fest.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) Hmmmm.... Perhaps I am confusing things by talking in a general way but in my mind I am thinking of a specific situation. I think if you don't value someone, throw away a perfectly good relationship and then regret it and desperately want that person back, you have to accept that you made a mistake. You were at fault. "Wrong". Not valuing someone is not OK. I mean on one level you are free to make whatever decisions you like and there is no right and wrong in that way, but when you start hurting other people and messing them around and not appreciating what you have then I don't see how you can say that's OK. That is bad behaviour. Or you could say it's a mental illness. But it's not OK to treat people badly. I have definitely misunderstood the whole point of the GIGS thread. Here's a quote from it: If it's not the dumpers fault, but it's not some sort of mental illness then is the suggestion that it's perfectly OK behaviour and there's no reason for anyone to take issue with it? That's ridiculous. I think you are right though - I am over thinking at the moment. I don't know why I keep thinking I can make sense of things. I don't completely understand myself - how can I hope to understand my ex and the complexities of our relationship. I'll drive myself mad dissecting it. You cannot blame people for how they feel. Either they feel you or they don't. If they don't and they break up with you, they are being honest and telling you that they don't feel right about the relationship anymore. That's it. You simply cannot blame people if they don't feel anything for you anymore. You can't. You may be hurt, and may want to find some "explanation" that makes you feel better like by saying they are suffering from an unfortunate modern day phenomena that makes them take you for granted...but that's just grasping at straws. They fell in love with you. Dated you. Took you for granted or discovered you're not all that they thought you were or believed they wanted something else. Fell out of love. Dumped you. That's it. It's not a disease. It happens, often when the "falling in love" part is with the wrong person to begin with. But you can't blame them for how they feel just because you don't like how they feel, nor should you ascribe mental illness to them. You weren't right for each other, and that's how the dumper felt at the time but you felt differently. That's why it hurts. Edited November 1, 2011 by norajane
Coupedriver Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 You cannot blame people for how they feel. Either they feel you or they don't. If they don't and they break up with you, they are being honest and telling you that they don't feel right about the relationship anymore. That's it. Being HONEST..?!?!?!? Thats pretty funny sh*t right there.So cheating and lying to you is being HONEST..??Making sure the OTHER guy is all set up so she can DUMP you is HONEST..??!!
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Being HONEST..?!?!?!? Thats pretty funny sh*t right there.So cheating and lying to you is being HONEST..??Making sure the OTHER guy is all set up so she can DUMP you is HONEST..??!! Where did the cheating and lying come in? I did not mention anything about cheating and lying. That is detestable behavior. Still not an illness.
Author kittenkit Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 You cannot blame people for how they feel. Either they feel you or they don't. If they don't and they break up with you, they are being honest and telling you that they don't feel right about the relationship anymore. That's it. Of course. My most recent breakup was like that and I don't blame him. I'm heartbroken, but it's his choice and I have my choices and on I go. (I think it was a bad choice, but I can't make his choices for him). I'm talking about someone who says they love the person deeply but has to go off and date other people. Someone who thinks their life isn't exciting enough. That their partner isn't cool enough. Who spends nearly 2 years dating and realises it sucks, that nothing is as good as what they had and then comes back. This whole grass is greener thing. Not someone who realises its not working and tells the other person - that's your standard breakup (not that it doesn't hurt). I'm talking about my first ex, my fiance who decided 3 weeks before the wedding that he could do better and has now spent the last month chasing me and trying to convince me to get back with him. He's even got my mother convinced - she reckons I'll never find anyone I'll be that compatible with. Of course he's to blame! If our relationship was as good as he says then he should have valued it and not discarded me. If he's decided now that he's made a terrible mistake then he should own that mistake and leave me alone. But oh no it's not his fault - he was at the mercy of his feelings at the time bla bla bla (his words not yours, though you have more or less said the same thing) What a load of rubbish! There comes a point where you have to stand up and say "I behaved badly and I'm sorry - I accept the consequences" And as to my original post I think I have answered my own musings. I think I take bad behaviour more personally because somewhere in me I believe that decent people get treated well and if I am treated badly it says something about me. I'm not going to let myself think that way any more.
Sugarkane Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Why do we take it personally you ask? Because how can you not? You both loved each other and now this person is telling you that you're not worth it anymore. That they think there's someone better for them. That you're not good enough. Also because alot of times you get blindsided. Or cheated on and you didn't know about it [me] coz no one told you. Then you are still in love with them: you didn't get to fall out of love. And they usually date someone else right after you. Then suddenly they are "in love" and this new person is "the one". etc etc. Hurts like hell. 1
Sugarkane Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Also you are in love and everything seems fine, no fighting, nothing. Then suddenly you get dumped by email, facebook or text. Really lazy and callous.
Rorschach64 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Yeah it sure is miserable way of being dumped thats for sure and I think if they come back and are sincere and sorry for what they did they will be very very adamant about it then I could forgive 100%
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