Daisy926 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Hi everyone, I will try to make this short. I have been stressed lately trying to decide if I am truly happy. I am 33 years old and have been married for 3 years. We have been together since I was 16 (with a few small breakups 10 + years ago) I am starting to feel that what I was ok with when I was younger, I am not ok with now. My husband is a terrible communicator, we do not have much in common and I basically do everything. If I look back it has always been like this I guess I was just too blinded to see. I think the idea that I had someone was enough. Friends and some family tried to question me about the situation but I wanted them to mind their business. Don't get me wrong, he is not a terrible person by any means but I feel he is depressed and just lacks in a relationship. He has never really held a steady job and actually quit the last one 3 years ago. He says he looks (and he does a few side jobs) but basically he sits and plays video games for hours and hours on end. He doesn't always talk nice to me and sometimes I feel like roomates rather than husband and wife. I know it sounds crazy that why would I stay in something like this. I am smart, educated and have a great job and I feel I take care of him. Part of my worry on ever breaking up is what would he do? I know this is unhealthy and I am starting therapy. My decision right now is to work on me and get everything else in my life happy. This is all I know and I am very scared of change. I care for him deeply and he keeps asking what he can do... I just don't see the point as he won't go to therapy and honestly I do not see him changing. I feel content together and sure we have some good times but am I really happy? Is there more or am I just looking for a fairy tale? This is the hardest thing I ever had to admit. People ask what made you love him or happy in the first place or why did you get married? I have no answer just thats what happens when you are together for so long. Thanks for any advice or just encouragement.
findingnemo Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Can it be saved? Just my opinion. People probably ask you why you married him, and why you love him because it makes no sense to them. We all make mistakes, we all fall. But we need to get up and they are wondering why you are not getting up. The good thing is that you know you must do something. So let's work it out: 1. Stay with him and help him get a job: this involves changing him which as you know is almost impossible. Playing video games, taking you for granted, being rude...basically biting the hand that feeds him. This to me is a problem of intelligence. He is not intelligent enough to appreciate you, and he won't suddenly start thinking right in order for you to help him. 2. Leave him: This is probably the only thing you can do. It's the only thing in your control. What he does later remains to be seen. It seems like you have no kids yet, so you can make a clean break. I married my first boyfriend too. Big mistake. I still saw him through the eyes of a 15 year old only to learn quickly that he was nothing like I thought he was. I was out of there just short of our 3rd anniversary. Everybody asked me why I married him just like you. I eloped because my family would have given me a hard time. I knew immediately, within the first month that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. But I stayed because I didn't want to seem indecisive, wishy washy given how smart and educated I was. So you made a choice, a decision and it now turns out that it was the wrong one. Don't feel bad. It won't help. Just accept the fact and make another choice. Make a decision that will reverse the situation. Good luck.
jd08 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Hi everyone, I will try to make this short. I have been stressed lately trying to decide if I am truly happy. By the tone of your post you don't sound happy at all. Marriage takes two partners working equally or close to equally to survive. When one partner checks out it doesn't work. Sounds like your Husband has checked out and doesn't care enough or doesn't realize that your marriage is at stake. I am going through a similar situation with my wife and completely feel your pain and loneliness.
Nikki82 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I understand your worry for him if you were to leave him. You care about him as a person. There's a lot of history there. But time is something you do NOT get back. No, relationships are not fairytales, but they should have more spark than the relationship you have! You both should be growing together. Instead, you are his caregiver. I dated a guy for 4 years that was like yours. Lazy, uneducated, lacked thoughtfulness and excitement, ect. I knew in the first year he wasn't for me, but stuck it out because I was still in love. And we all know emotions seem to win over logic hahaha. Well, after 4 years, I finally just didn't care anymore. That simple... I was just over it. I finally broke it off and guess what? He stepped up his game. He went back to school. He showed up at my place unannounced dressed up in a suit and a dozen roses to surprise me. Too little, too late!! Daisy, he will probably do this to you too. When you finally leave, he will try to win you back. Be strong. Don't feel guilty. Life will be rough for him, but he will not die or anything. Find a guy who deserves you. A guy who is on your level. You gotta just get fed up and understand that he is not your responsibility. =)
Teslacoil Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Hi everyone, I will try to make this short. I have been stressed lately trying to decide if I am truly happy. I am 33 years old and have been married for 3 years. We have been together since I was 16 (with a few small breakups 10 + years ago) I feel like there's a big story there. You've been together since you were 16... but you didn't get married until you were 30? Sounds to me like you two were in the "Maybe we should get married" relationship state for WAY too long, and in the end just got married because it was easier than breaking up and re-inventing your lives because you'd been together so long. HOWEVER, that's neither here nor there. You're married now. Your marriage sounds savable to me. Do you still love him? All the little things that you describe sound like things that normal couples go through. It's not unusual to feel like "roommates" sometimes. It's not unusual for one person to be going through depression which causes anxiety and unhappiness for the other half of the couple. I don't think these things mean your relationship is doomed. Your husband could probably benefit from some therapy. He needs a nudge in the right direction. Going to couples therapy might help you understand why he's so unmotivated. It doesn't sound to me like you need to give up on him.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know it sounds crazy that why would I stay in something like this. I am smart, educated and have a great job and I feel I take care of him. Part of my worry on ever breaking up is what would he do? I know this is unhealthy and I am starting therapy. Divorcing him might be the best thing to ever happen to him. You are enabling him to stay unemployed, play video games, and not get any help for whatever ails him. The longer you stay, the less incentive he has to change his life. Why should he? You take care of him as though he were your child and you accept his utter lack of engagement and partnership in your marriage.
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