annabanana85 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I met this guy in the club 1.5 months ago. We hit it off and had a lot in common: We are both medical students, from similar countries, have a lot of interests in common, etc... The next day I invited him to a party with my friends, he came and we had sex that night. He was very affectionate and into me. Then his contact started tapering off. Now he contacts me like once a week and usually on Saturday during the morning. And we meet on Saturday or Sunday evenings for a couple of hours either at my place or his. We chat, make out and sometimes have sex. He does not refer to my as his girlfriend and is physically affectionate but I feel like the relationship is going nowhere. I know that he is extremely busy with school and he has exams all the time. Plus he lives with his family so I can only go to his place when his family is not there. I live about an hour away from him. I know that he is not seeing anybody else and he tells me what he gets up to every weekend. For the past couple of weeks, I played a little harder to get. And yesterday he came to visit me and brought champagne. I could sense that he was a lot more affectionate and interested than he usually was but I don't know. Do you think this relationship has any potential or is he bound to stay a FB or FWB forever?
Pierre Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I met this guy in the club 1.5 months ago. We hit it off and had a lot in common: We are both medical students, from similar countries, have a lot of interests in common, etc... The next day I invited him to a party with my friends, he came and we had sex that night. He was very affectionate and into me. Then his contact started tapering off. Now he contacts me like once a week and usually on Saturday during the morning. And we meet on Saturday or Sunday evenings for a couple of hours either at my place or his. We chat, make out and sometimes have sex. He does not refer to my as his girlfriend and is physically affectionate but I feel like the relationship is going nowhere. I know that he is extremely busy with school and he has exams all the time. Plus he lives with his family so I can only go to his place when his family is not there. I live about an hour away from him. I know that he is not seeing anybody else and he tells me what he gets up to every weekend. For the past couple of weeks, I played a little harder to get. And yesterday he came to visit me and brought champagne. I could sense that he was a lot more affectionate and interested than he usually was but I don't know. Do you think this relationship has any potential or is he bound to stay a FB or FWB forever? Why don't you ask him? The problem here is that you had sex with him with no courting. You were rather easy and now you want to be a girl friend. He does not see you as GF material because of how things developed. Sex too soon is always a problem.
ATrainofAngels Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Why don't you ask him? The problem here is that you had sex with him with no courting. You were rather easy and now you want to be a girl friend. He does not see you as GF material because of how things developed. Sex too soon is always a problem. I don't agree my best friend and his girlfriend had sex their 2nd date (almost did it their first date actually) - a year later, they are inseparable I think this notion of sex being used as a prize to be earned after a certain amount of dates is pretty silly
Star Gazer Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Well, you're not dating (as in, you're not even leaving the house - just staying at yours or his), you're just having sex. So... yes, it sounds to me like you're f*ck buddies.
Star Gazer Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 You know, you already know this, but... You tend meet a lot of guys at clubs, and have sex with a lot of them right away. That's obviously not working out for you... When you asked why all the guys you date seemed to lose interest, I've told you that sleeping with all of them on the second date was probably the problem. That's your pattern: meet them at a club, hook up, and they disappear. Perhaps change that pattern, and you'll see better results.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Based on the info you provided, it seems obvious to me that he just sees you as a f*** buddy. He doesn't take you out on regular dates, maintain regular contact, or consider you his girlfriend. Basically you hang out once a week and have sex. Is this really that hard to see?
Author annabanana85 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 You guys are absolutely right, he just sees me as a **** buddy I do not know how it evolved into such a relationship, but it did. Do you think it will stay like this indefinitely? How do these relationships usually end?
Cypress25 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I do not know how it evolved into such a relationship, but it did. I know how it happened. You had sex with him right away. You never went out on a date with him. If you wanted to be his girlfriend, you should have dated him for awhile before having sex with him. You're a medical student, you're obviously a smart girl. You just need to use a little common sense. If you want a real relationship, don't be so quick to jump into bed with the guy.
Professor X Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Do you think it will stay like this indefinitely? How do these relationships usually end? No, of course it won't stay indefinitely. And those stuff usually end with one side developing feelings when the other one doesn't -> pressure builds up -> ends. I don't know if sex on the first date is your problem here, but rather you meeting them in club environment. This whole sex on first date notion might be applied to Americans or something, but not to the rest of the world. Every RS I had started with sex on the first date and they all lasted quite some time. Even my current one started with sex on first date and we're together for 2years and 2months now and ticking. So @ Pierre: sex to soon isn't always a problem. You keep saying it but it doesn't make it true.
OliveOyl Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 If you're really compatible, the sex on the second date won't mess up a potentially sound relationship. However sex too soon basically just muddies the water when you're NOT compatible (and makes it harder to extricate yourself). Sounds like you and this guy want different things... hence probably not compatible.
Dust Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 What do his actions tell you? Wow you're going be a doctor? That's cool!
Pierre Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I don't agree my best friend and his girlfriend had sex their 2nd date (almost did it their first date actually) - a year later, they are inseparable I think this notion of sex being used as a prize to be earned after a certain amount of dates is pretty silly There are exceptions to the rule. However, in most instances sex too soon is not a good idea. Exceptions and anecdotes are not a good way to make a point. Ex
Pierre Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 So @ Pierre: sex to soon isn't always a problem. You keep saying it but it doesn't make it true. I know some of this is cultural. In some places having sex right away with strangers is not a big deal and does not change anything. However, if you read this forum you will see that plenty of women get hurt by sex too soon.
orangelady Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know some of this is cultural. In some places having sex right away with strangers is not a big deal and does not change anything. However, if you read this forum you will see that plenty of women get hurt by sex too soon. Pierre where are you from if you don't mind me asking?
Pierre Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Pierre where are you from if you don't mind me asking? Somewhere in USA USA culture is not uniform.
Pierre Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 In my opinion, they devalue themselves by having sex too soon, especially if they are looking for a relationship. Giving sex away carelessly devalues it's meaning. If girls and boys want to have indiscriminate sex, then they shouldn't expect their hearts to be treated with care. Exactly! It is not a matter of being prude or conservative. It is a matter of personality and goals.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 If you're really compatible, the sex on the second date won't mess up a potentially sound relationship. However sex too soon basically just muddies the water when you're NOT compatible (and makes it harder to extricate yourself). I agree with this BUT...would like to add... It would be one thing if they had had sex on the second date...as in two actual dates where they sat down one-on-one and got to know each other, whether it was over coffee, dinner, drinks, etc. But their "dates" weren't even "dates"...they met at a club for "date" 1 (I'm assuming a loud and crowded one), then went to party together with a group of friends for "date" 2. Therefore she slept with this guy before he even really got to know anything about her. I think that's part of the problem, too.
Professor X Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know some of this is cultural. In some places having sex right away with strangers is not a big deal and does not change anything. However, if you read this forum you will see that plenty of women get hurt by sex too soon. It's not from the sex that they get hurt it's from whatever that led them to it. Whether the girl tried to have sex to hook to guy and failed (thus got hurt), or went to bed with an emo antisocial freak (like TC) or whether she went into bed with a player, in either cases the sex isn't to be blamed, but the decision itself of engaging (with whatever activity) the wrong people is the root of the problem. The OP is a fine example. Go through her past threads and you will see she has always met those guys in clubs. And we all know that you don't find RS material guys in clubs cause those guys (regular clubbers) are just looking for some fun. It is like me going to a bikers club to find a chess player, doesn't make any sense. And for the record, normal guys won't devalue any girl if she has sex with them quickly. I never did so and neither has anyone I know IRL actually. TBH, if you will think less of the woman you're with only cause she wanted to sleep with you quickly, than I would seriously question how much you really wanted her to begin with.
Andy_K Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I see nothing wrong with a girl having sex on the first date. I had a 5 month relationship with one girl I slept with on the first date. The thing is this - you need to be consistent. If you're moving into sex quickly, you should be moving into exclusive dating/relationship quickly too. If you don't want to bring up that stuff, DONT HAVE SEX! If a guy isn't willing to talk about his intentions after sex, or where things might go, he was just screwing you for sport and doesn't respect you. If you've been sleep together for a few weeks and he's not ok with being exclusive - or even asking for it - he's using you. It's fine for things to move fast. It's fine for things to move slow. But what you can't do is 'mix and match'.
Cypress25 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 in either cases the sex isn't to be blamed, but the decision itself of engaging (with whatever activity) the wrong people is the root of the problem. The OP probably didn't realize that this guy was the wrong person. That's why it's a bad idea to have sex with someone you don't know. For many women, sex makes them feel vulnerable and increases feelings of attachment. So they put their heart on the line, only to discover after the fact that they're engaging with the wrong person. Naturally, that hurts their feelings. The only way to avoid this mistake is to get to know your partner before having sex. That way, if the guy turns out to be a jerk, at least you discover that before getting attached, so you can walk away without hurt feelings.
Author annabanana85 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Actually I am coming to the realization that I also do not have a deep connection with this guy even though I like his personality (he is fun to be around, nice, polite) and find him goodlooking. I think that he is a little arrogant and selfish and I find him to be very materialistic. He keeps talking about becoming a billionaire and how he will be able to do whatever he wants once he has a lot of money. To me this is a huge turn off. He is also kinda immature. But since I'm single at the moment and do not anticipate meeting anyone I like in the near future since my social life is stuck in a rut, I do not mind spending time with him once in a while. I do not really see myself developing very strong feelings for him. But I just want to get a general sense of how these sort of FWB feelings generally progress. Like, who would develop feelings for eachother? Or would we keep seeing each other until one meets someone else that he/she feels a more meaningful connection with? Would it be a fadeaway or just a regular breakup? Would he ever develop feelings for me and decide to be in a relationship?
Pierre Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Actually I am coming to the realization that I also do not have a deep connection with this guy even though I like his personality (he is fun to be around, nice, polite) and find him goodlooking. I think that he is a little arrogant and selfish and I find him to be very materialistic. He keeps talking about becoming a billionaire and how he will be able to do whatever he wants once he has a lot of money. To me this is a huge turn off. He is also kinda immature. But since I'm single at the moment and do not anticipate meeting anyone I like in the near future since my social life is stuck in a rut, I do not mind spending time with him once in a while. I do not really see myself developing very strong feelings for him. But I just want to get a general sense of how these sort of FWB feelings generally progress. Like, who would develop feelings for eachother? Or would we keep seeing each other until one meets someone else that he/she feels a more meaningful connection with? Would it be a fadeaway or just a regular breakup? Would he ever develop feelings for me and decide to be in a relationship? If you are f****ing this man regularly you may not see or disregard a nice man that comes your way. The ****buddy will be meeting many of your needs and you will not be receptive when the right man comes along. You described the personality of a Pakistani doctor, lol.
Author annabanana85 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Haha, he is actually from a poor Eastern European country, no offense. I think the problem here is that he moved to the US a year ago and now he suddenly has the prospect of making a lot of money so it has totally gone to his head. He definitely does not meet my needs since I do not see him often. So I'll still be looking. On our last meeting he was actually pretty affectionate and took genuine interest in me. I think he is coming to the realization that he is not meeting any other girls (he is busy with school, does not go out often, lives with his family, is quite fobby, etc...). I also went out last weekend and posted a lot of pics of myself on FB partying so maybe he got jealous and is afraid to lose me. And I had been blowing cold for a while. So who knows?
Cypress25 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 In a FWB arrangement, it's usually the woman who develops feelings for the man and ends up getting hurt when those feelings are not reciprocated. Many women think they can control their feelings ("I won't fall for him...I don't even like him that much...it will just be sex, nothing more..." etc), but most women become more and more attached to the guy every time they have sex. I can already tell you're vulnerable to that because you're wondering how a FWB would progress. Usually, it doesn't progress. It's rare that it turns into a relationship. But here you are, telling yourself that you won't develop feelings for him, while at the same time wondering if he will develop feelings for you. In all likelihood, no, he won't.
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