Extreme Jealously Over New Friend

[rightkindofblues]

Recently, I've been feeling VERY jealous about this new girl my boyfriend has met. After a week they met, they start to text every day, meet up for lunch, ask to hang out, etc. Now, I know that I cannot tell my boyfriend who he can and can't be friends with, but I'm not sure how to go about with my situation. I don't have a problem with him being friends with a girl, but this girl, in my opinion, is very flirty towards him. She texts him every moment she is free, uses hearts/lots of ecomotions, calls him "big brother", and keeps on asking him for help, calls him cute, and always telling him about what she is doing, etc etc. Granted, this could be just a friendship .. and one that I am jealous of (because my bf has never texted me like that, and I have never seen him so attached to any other girl), but I'm afraid it is something more?

 

In the past, he has done things to make me not trust him .. and I think this jealously problem starts stemming from that. I've told him that this girl makes me feel very uneasy, and I'm not comfortable with the way that she is talking to him and the way he talks back to her. On top of that, he WANTS to pursue this friendship with her, and he goes out of his way to defend her, talk to her all the time, etc. He's called her pretty, cute, etc on several occasions and I've asked him about it. He tells me that it's simply being nice, and all he wants is just friendship. However, it has gotten to the point where he puts his phone on silent so when she texts him, I can't hear the ring. (And yes, I know he's doing this because he doesn't want me to know that she is texting him/he is texting her).

 

Now, I know myself that this is majority my problem ... My boyfriend has already given me his word that it's purely friendship, but I can't get myself to NOT be jealous every time they're texting, or if he's at lunch with her, or if he's on Skype with her. I know I can't just ban him from seeing her, because I do not have the right to do that - AT ALL.

 

We have fought about this new girl and how it is affecting my relationship with him, and he has threatened to break up with me if I control his friends and who he talks to. It's becoming a major problem for us, and my jealously and anger just keeps building up everyday I have to hold it in and watch them interact with each other.

 

Am I just overthinking this way too much, and letting these insecurities invade my head? Or should I take precaution to this new girl? I just hate this feeling of jealously, and I can't seem to find any good advice

[freestyle]

I think you are well within your rights to be upset.

Your bf is being very inappropriate, if the two of you are in a committed, exclusive, relationship.

 

He's disrespecting you and your relationship, big time.

 

There are two types of jealousy---rational jealousy, and irrational jealousy.

 

Irrational jealousy would be you losing your cool if your bf smiles at a waitress, or a cashier when you're out together.

 

Rational jealousy happens when one party in a relationship behaves inappropriately with members of the opposite sex---such as texting a female friend constantly, and allowing her to flirt with him, going out with female friends but you're not invited, etc. In those situations, I think it's NORMAL to be jealous.

 

 

I think what you're experiencing is rational jealousy---your bf is giving you just cause to be concerned, based on his behaviors, and attitudes. So don't beat yourself up over what you're feeling. And don't let your bf steamroll over YOUR point of view, or your feelings.

 

 

The only solution I can offer you , is to have a serious heart to heart conversation with your bf about boundaries with OS friends.

 

You can't control his behavior, nor should you have to, but you can control what you will or won't put up with. Decide for yourself what YOUR dealbreakers are.

[Mallow]

If he's being shady and feels the need to hide his conversations with her, it's a clear indication that something is going on.

 

You've addressed how you feel, and he still disrespects your feelings.

 

Has he offered to intoduce the two of you? Is she aware that he is not single?

 

If he feels the need to hide and be defensive, Id trust your gut.

 

I would not tolerate this behaviour.

 

Healthy friendships are fine and in the norm, but boundaries are being crossed here. Follow the red flags.

[OnyxSnowfall]

A big problem (IMO) is that he is not really concerned with your feelings (assuming you shared them clearly). I would be wondering what is making him prioritize this "newer" relationship with another female above them.

 

I think once he threatened to end things with you when you brought up your concerns you probably should have let him... I can't say it is a big loss to lose someone who is unconcerned with your feelings, as much as you may have for them.

 

I second that you can't control his behavior, but you can control what you tolerate. Don't endure treatment that is making you unhappy and exponentially more jealous and worried by the day. It won't be good for you. There's people who WILL respect you out in the world. He may just not be one of them...

[Calif_hope]

"A BOY will make his girl jealous of other woman.....A MAN will make other woman jealous of his girl"

 

Talk to your boy!

[HappyFlower]

You can't control who your bf is friends with, but you don't have to let him control if you're ok with it or not. I think you're absolutly within your rights to be jealous.

 

Do you know how they met? Did he tell you about how they went about exchanging phone numbers? Does she even know about you? Thats he's being secretive and wanting to go out for lunch with her alone says a lot. And you do have a right to put a stop to it if you're unhappy with it. You're not being irrational, and he is making no attempt to make you feel better about the situation or consider your feelings. If he's threatening to leave you because you don't accept his relationship with this new woman, then I'd leave him, to be honest.

 

I know exactly how you feel, my ex did something similar.

[rightkindofblues]

Thank you guys for all of the responses! I'm so happy to know that I have the right to be upset/jealous! Over these past weeks, my boyfriend has been telling me that I did not have the right to be upset/jealous over their friendship and I needed to get over it. I've tried having a calm heart to heart conversation with him several times, but it always ends up in a fight.

 

@freestyle: Thank you for that advice! It was really helpful I'm glad to know that I have the right to be jealous!

 

@Mallow: He's told me that "maybe you two should meet", but it was never set up or anything. It sounded like he was kidding around, and when I told him "Okay, I'll meet her", he says it's too awkward. She knows that he is not single, which is what gets me because if she knows, why still flirt?

 

@OnyxSnowfall: This is definitely a big problem! When I brought up to him my problems, he tells me that it's always about me and that every single moment he's with me, he's always trying to make me happy. The word "selfish" is let out in this conversation several times ... I've asked him why he is fighting so hard to keep this friendship and he says it's because she's happier than I am, and that she is nice and fun to talk to. I'm not quite sure which direction to go even though he has threatened to leave me. I'm trying my best to work this out, but I'm lost on what I should do right now. It seems like it's also my problem/issues that is causing him to act like this, but I"m not sure.

 

@HappyFlower: They met because they are in the same college class. I don't know how they exchanged phone numbers, but it was probably something casual due to the fact they're both in school, and nothings easier than getting anothers phone number by simply saying "Wanna study together", or something of the sort. She knows about me, but yet she is still insistent on talking to him with flirty messages, and asking him to go to lunch and hang out.

 

I am lost on what to do here. All of these responses are wonderful, but I'm still at a loss on what to do. My boyfriend has cheated on me once before, which makes me so uncomfortable when he's around other girls - and now especially this one because their friendship is so flirty. He tells me that it's only friendship, and he loves me, and I know it is not right of me to shrug that off my shoulder. I just can't get myself to trust him. My major issue is, how can I talk to him without him losing his temper and without him saying "You're controlling my life."

 

I want him to break off this friendship with that girl because he wants to, and that he realizes what's going on is hurting me ... not because "I said so". I am not trying to control his life .. but how can I let this go on if it hurts me so much? It seems like the only way he can see it is that I'm controlling him, and he can't see my point of view ...

[HappyFlower]

I am lost on what to do here. All of these responses are wonderful, but I'm still at a loss on what to do. My boyfriend has cheated on me once before, which makes me so uncomfortable when he's around other girls - and now especially this one because their friendship is so flirty. He tells me that it's only friendship, and he loves me, and I know it is not right of me to shrug that off my shoulder. I just can't get myself to trust him. My major issue is, how can I talk to him without him losing his temper and without him saying "You're controlling my life."

 

I want him to break off this friendship with that girl because he wants to, and that he realizes what's going on is hurting me ... not because "I said so". I am not trying to control his life .. but how can I let this go on if it hurts me so much? It seems like the only way he can see it is that I'm controlling him, and he can't see my point of view ...

 

Oh. If he's cheated on you before, and he's unwilling to consider your feelings especially in light of that regarding this new 'friend'...honestly, I'd leave. The relationship is making you very unhappy, while (and please don't take this wrong) he is very happy knowing he's cheated on you before and got away with it, and that if he tells you he 'loves' you enough, he will be able to continue his flirty friendship with this new girl. It sounds to me like he won't want to break off his friendship with her so long as he knows you will stick around to watch. As long as you stay in this relationship you are letting him control your life, to put you in a place where you are hurting and unhappy. If he doesn't respect you enough to know where personal boundaries are, then he doesn't deserve tp have you to go back to at night when he's done flirting with his new friend.

If it really is hurting you and making you so unhappy, you need to respect yourself and tell him you're not putting up with it. You have the right to make and enforce your own personal boundaries if his behaviour is making you uncomroftable in any way.

 

I hope that doesn't sound harsh! My ex did something similar and this makes me kind of cross (not at you!)

[CupcakeCrisis]

Oh Lord - it is DEFINITELY Time for you to bail in light of the fact that he cheated. Even before that, you had a right to feel jealous. I hate that there is such a stigma against feeling jealous. It is a NORMAL emotion and I think the VAST majority of people would feel jealous put into the same situation. It has never crossed this girl's mind - or his - that they might be crossing a line?

 

Your boyfriend routinely ignores your feelings about this and pushes it back at YOU (like it's YOUR fault). He threatens to break up with YOU because you will not tolerate his "I'm in a relationship but I want to act like I'm single" mentality. Honey, do him a favor. Break up with him first. Go find yourself someone else who will treat you well and who won't cheat on you, THEN EXPECT he should be given a free pass to pursue 'friendships' with women however he likes.

 

You can't control who he befriends, but you can monitor your reaction to it. I don't think he will ever change and you can do better. I don't care if you think you're ugly, or if you think you're fat, or if there's some other perceived flaw that keeps you stuck to this jerk - you can break free and do better.

[BeyondtheClouds]

**** I hate that there is such a stigma against feeling jealous.****

 

Maybe "jealous" then is the wrong word for this context. Maybe, it's "concerned." People forget that they are able to walk or even down shift the relationship. If your guy wants to have lunch and text constantly with other women, well, ok, then. You're then free to find other things to do so that he has the free time to do those things.

 

The main concern that I have in these types of situations is that I, as the partner, maybe turning down the opportunity to date other men while my partner seems to have carte blanche in "grooming", oh yeah, that's right I mean "befriending" other women for activities and behaviors that he would not want tolerate coming from me or any of the men that I bring him in contact with.

[in_absentia]

Like the person above said, there's a stigma against jealousy and it sounds as though you're so eager to avoid being jealous that you're actually letting your bf do what he likes irregardless of your feelings because you're too scared to put your foot down... and you know why that is? He's already told you he'll leave you if you try and tell him not to see her or be friends with her.

 

I'm all for opposite sex friends, I have plenty of close male friends whom I feel nothing remotely sexual for, but I'd be suspicious if my bf suddenly had a brand new girl friend who he was spending THAT much time talking to and seeing. It's one thing to go and hang with an existing friend but this situation seems more like they've met, they're crazy about each other and will be sleeping together v soon if they haven't already. And your bf is prioritising his friendship with her over you! He's telling you loud and clear that you are lower in his list of priorities than she is, and it doesn't matter to him how you feel as you're just convenience while he's on his way out of the relationship to be with her. I'm sorry. Woman up, get rid of this loser and show yourself some respect.

[Space Ritual]

The fact that your BF has cheated on you before and then demands you stop trying to control him means that he does not value you or respect you.

 

I would tell him that he is right, that you are not trying to control him, and that he is free to text and flirt with anyone he wishes. He can do that while being your EX-boyfriend.

 

You are not being jealous over nothing you know. I think its called mutual respect and since he does not seem to believe that this is a deal breaker for you(Cheating in the fist place would have been for me)I suggest you show him some consequences for his actions. I take it you didn't show him any when he cheated on you...hence why you are still together...

 

Your Boyfriend is a cake eater...close the bakery, he is getting too fat on his own ego...

[BeyondtheClouds]

Here's a columnist who deals with a similar issue:

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/harmless-flirting-or-a-trust-issue/2011/11/02/gIQAVHahPN_story.html