Be honest...how badly did I hurt my chances with desperation/begging/pleading?

[breezy11]

I'll just give a timeline of what happened.

 

- She broke up with me in early august. She was depressed at the time, and was taking a year off school. Said she wasn't attracted to me but still considered me her best friend. I cried that day and told her we can change things, but she said that she had tried and we couldn't do it anymore. When I was leaving her house to head home, she was crying her eyes out.

 

- She texted me lots over the next few days. I would send her non chalant replies back. After a week or so the texting died down a bit as she started hanging out more and more with new/old friends to fill the void I assume of our relationship. I came off as clingy on a couple of occasions that we hung out after that.

 

- I pretty much went no contact for about 3 weeks after this. She would text me occasionally, and asked to meet up for coffee.

 

- We met up (this was 5 weeks after our breakup). Hung out for coffee, we were real friendly, she came over and we watched a movie. In this meantime, I had prepared a huge creative surprise gift box, won't go into too much detail about it, it's really embarrassing. Obviously quite desperate, and I asked her about getting back togehter. She was blown away by my surprise, shed a lot of tears, told me she can't be in a relationship right now as she was depressed, and still stripping herself down to her layers to rediscover herself. She said she won't want to be in a relationship for at least a year, and that she doesn't know if she would want to get back with me at that point, but still considers me one of her best friends and hopes we can remain that way.

 

- We were on friendly terms over the next week or so, she would text me a bunch. Then a week after the last surprise, I did the worst thing possible. I was having a super rough time in school without her, and I broke down one day, went to her house, literally begged/cried/pleaded for her to take me back. She didn't but she wasn't cold about it either. She shed lots of tears too, and said she can't get back with me because she's scared of falling deep into depression again, and said at the same time she feels super guilty for abandoning me. Hung out with her for a few hours talking, left her house on good terms, but obviously afterwards I felt like an idiot.

 

- She asked to hang out with me the next weekend, we did. After hanging out, I asked her whether she thinks she thinks there is a chance we will get back together, in which case I will wait around, or if she knows for sur ewe won't, then I will work on letting go and moving on and stop waiting around. She said she was unsure, and would let me know next time we hung out.

 

- A few nights later when I was having an awful night, I texted her about 4 messages asking to chat (she told me prior to this that any time school was unbearable I should call her and she would help me out and make things easier). She didn't answer all night, I felt awful and went to bed crying. The next morning she texted me saying she was sorry for not replying earlier. I called her immediately afterwards, and we talked for a while. It was a good warm conversation but again I felt like an idiot afterwards for seeming so desperate.

 

- a few days later we both attended the same event. She came up and chatted with me for a while. At this point I had decided to implement NC, and her ignored a couple of her prior texts that day. after chatting though, when she was leaving (this is probably my worst mistake), I went to her on her way out, asked her if she had thought about my question (Whether she might want me back later or not). She said that she wouldn't want me back, and I kept probing her about it on the way out and she said there might have actually been a chance but my "pressuring" and smothering her in the way I gave her an ultimatum made her choose that. On her way out I asked her to just kiss me one last time and tell me there really weren't any feelings there. She did, and said "no, sorry". Afterwards, she called me, she said she felt horrible because just leaving me there like that was the meanest thing she'd ever done. We decided on the phone that maybe it was too soon to be friends right now (duh, shoulda gone into this right after the breakup!). I asked her again if there might be a chance down the line in the future, and she said if it's meant to be it will be.

 

- 3 days later, I called her, because I honestly felt bad that my actions may have hurt a chance of a friendship. I wrote out a letter and read it to her explaining that I was sorry for any guilt I caused her about the breakup, and about pressuring her, told her I would not be in touch with her for a while until I got over her, and that I had to delete her from facebook because being in touch was just too painful for me right now, and wished her the best over the next little while. She began to cry at the end, and really thanked me for the kind words. That was that, and I was happy that things ended on a good note

 

- 2 weeks later while trying to move on (no contact in between of course) I ran into her at a school lab afterhours. We chatted VERY nonchalantly, quick words and then she left the lab. Then my emotions got the best of me, I ran after her and asked her if I could walk her out of hte building. She said it's for the best I didn't. I told her if she understood why I had to cut contact with her as ALREADY explained by my letter to her. she said yes and that's why she had to go. I kept walking with her but she just said no go back to the lab. This brought me crashing down to the beginning of NC, and really upset me that after ending things on a good note, it was ended again like this, with me looking pathetic and desperate

 

- A week after that, I ran into her AGAIN by random chance in the same place. This time I was with someone else, I didn't say a word to her and she didn't to me and she just talked to my classmate there. That night she deleted 3 remaining profile pictures of us that she had kept up on her profile. I talked to a mutual friend of ours that's been helping me through this (she went through a similar devastating breakup) and I told her how hard it was seeing her be so distant and cold and pretty much ignoring me there, and she said maybe it's her way of moving on, and same thing with the profile pictures.

 

anyways that was the last time I saw her 2 weeks ago. I KNOW that I have to move on and forget about it all and let go. However, what's really making it difficult for me isn't knowing that have I have to move on. What I can't let go of is the thought that doing all the desperate actions that I did have destroyed any chance of us ever getting back together, if there was to be a chance. I'm not saying that I expected us to get back together because I would regardless have to move on. But I can't forgive myself knowing that my actions post breakup ruined any hope of reconciliation. Someone please tell me: did I ruin any chance of reconciliation? If we were to get back together, would these actions not have had any effect as they were just me being human? Please be honest. I hate myself so much right now because of how I behaved.

[perfectlyflawed459]

I was pretty bad after my break up, and my ex and I still ended up missing each other. It just prolongs any chance of them missing you, but the quicker you stop it and the sooner you go NC and start living your life, the quicker it can fix things up. Trust me, as time passes, both parties forget MOST of the bad things that happened like all the desperate behavior. Don't kick yourself for it, just learn from it and move on and see what happens in the future. You would be surprised how a little time apart can go a really long way

[jordjones]

I believe that female dumpers will tolerate and even crave a moderate amount of begging, pleading, crying, etc. Depends on the reasons for the breakup and the individuals involved. However, there is a certain threshold, once passed, that they lose respect for you.

 

Initially, the dumper will feel guilty and pity you, all while having their own pain to deal with. But if the begging, pleading crying, etc. continue, the dumper will start to resent you, thinking to herself, "Are you kidding me?"

 

I think you have passed the threshold, which means you need to back off completely, less you completely ruin whatever chance you may still have.

[Rorschach64]

I guess as long as there is no restraining order you are okay. I know I wonder the same thing you are jord, though I did mine kind of through a month long process because my break up was insanely messy and confusing but I am glad I did it also because I was able to say in the end:

 

"Hey I ain't no damn cheater, I deserve a second chance because I am more than capable of making this relationship work, and I will not settle for anything less than boyfriend/fiance status!"

 

It didn't work but still at least I put my foot down in her face to her stupid notion of giving me friendship was the appropriate way of showing she loved and cared about me.

[jordjones]

Ironically, your prospects of reconciliation are better if you act like you don't give a **** and have moved on, than acting emotional and pouring out your true feelings. Sad but true.

 

Sometimes women just don't feel it anymore. If you leave them alone and use the experience to improve yourself, they will usually end up regretting their decision in time. Of course, by then the guy oftentimes doesn't care. But it's a pretty sweet power shift.

 

Just use your present heartbreak to motivate you. At least you refused her overtures for friendship.

[Rorschach64]

Yes you are right, if you don't act like you have feelings or anything of that sort you got a good chance.

 

I told her also that if she wants to talk to me she can I won't be rude or anything, she followed up with 'No matter how I say this it is going to sound bad so do you want to still talk to me.', which then I just repeated myself making it seem like I don't need her.

 

It is better just to bow out no matter what and do NC/LC, I think LC is probably better if you want that second chance but the dumper has to come to you not the other way around and occasionally ignore them once in awhile.

 

I'd let my ex come back to me but she has a lot to answer first and rogering up on stuff.

[ChelseaLS]

Someone else here said it, and I believe it to be true (as a female), most females will tolerate more begging a pleading then a male would.

I don't know if you have totally ruined your chances of getting back together, but from the sounds of it, your begging, pleading and smothering did some damage.

As your story progresses, you can see in what you write, that she is pulling further and further away as you try harder and harder to get her back. I understand why you are doing it though, it's what I natrually want to do to my ex... but it won't work.

Give her, the space and time she requested. I know she wants to be your friend, but it doesn't seem like that is something you can currently handle (I told my ex, I could never be his friend as it would hurt far to much. He's either my partner or just somebody I used to know.. no friends). I would tell her that you respect her need for space, that you care about her and wish her the best. However for our own sanity and to protect your own heart, you can't be friends with her. Then I would go NC or LC (no texting, no calls, if you bump into eachother then keep it short, but polite) and try to focus on yourself.

Good luck.

[ChelseaLS]

tolerate.....what does that mean?

 

please dont give me a definition, its a rhetorical question

 

but really tolerate? ... but for how long ? before it does go past the point of not being able to "tolerate" it anymore?

 

 

That depends on the female. They don't run the other way as fast as men when being smothered.

[ChelseaLS]

but does it HELP?

 

Of course it doesn't help, but because females generally can or will tolerate it more the chance MAY not be ruined. No begging and pleading helps.

[leoc1973]

my first girlfriend when I was young and stupid I did all that same stuff. She got to the point where she pretty much told me to leave her alone too. Wouldn't even speak to me. Soon as I met someone else she chased me all over the city. I couldn't go to a bar without her being there. Go out meet new women and you will find out how she really feels and if there is a chance of reconciliation. If she doesn't come back when you start dating again she probably isn't. Oh and if you want honesty. You did really screw up. She was probably on the fence and you smothered the hell out of her. I think a girl gets to the point where they feel so trapped and suffocated when you start with that begging and is there a chance down the road she can't wait to get the hell away from you. She has to think she is losing you if she is gonna come back but if you keep reassuring her that you are gonna love her forever then why would she take back a whiny beggar. Stay strong you have to. If you can't then you shouldn't be around her not even for coffee cause you will break every time and she will take longer to decide if she wants you or not. I think when they say that a girl doesn't want a desperate needy guy they really mean the girl wants to know how much longer she can push you till they lose you. She has to feel some loss before she wants it back.

[breezy11]

my first girlfriend when I was young and stupid I did all that same stuff. She got to the point where she pretty much told me to leave her alone too. Wouldn't even speak to me. Soon as I met someone else she chased me all over the city. I couldn't go to a bar without her being there. Go out meet new women and you will find out how she really feels and if there is a chance of reconciliation. If she doesn't come back when you start dating again she probably isn't. Oh and if you want honesty. You did really screw up. She was probably on the fence and you smothered the hell out of her. I think a girl gets to the point where they feel so trapped and suffocated when you start with that begging and is there a chance down the road she can't wait to get the hell away from you. She has to think she is losing you if she is gonna come back but if you keep reassuring her that you are gonna love her forever then why would she take back a whiny beggar. Stay strong you have to. If you can't then you shouldn't be around her not even for coffee cause you will break every time and she will take longer to decide if she wants you or not. I think when they say that a girl doesn't want a desperate needy guy they really mean the girl wants to know how much longer she can push you till they lose you. She has to feel some loss before she wants it back.

 

well ****

I think this is what makes it the most difficult for me in terms of moving on...the thought that there was a chance if I'd have stopped being an idiot and played it cool. Now I'll always live in agony of my own actions.

She told our mutual friend that's good friends with both of us that she can't be around me while I'm in this state of not being over her, after the last encounter where I pretty much ran after her.

[Rorschach64]

I know how you feel man but think about it like this, did you honestly believe you tried your best to recover the relationship instead of just walking away like your ex did?

 

I debate with myself if my actions were the best choice, probably not since there is always a better way of doing things, but I tried my utmost with every fiber of my being and intelligence, that's all you can ask of yourself.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it.

[ChelseaLS]

I know how you feel man but think about it like this, did you honestly believe you tried your best to recover the relationship instead of just walking away like your ex did?

 

I debate with myself if my actions were the best choice, probably not since there is always a better way of doing things, but I tried my utmost with every fiber of my being and intelligence, that's all you can ask of yourself.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Keep in mind as well that it is human nature when break ups happen that we want to plead and beg and cry. It's a natural repsonse. It's exactly what I did with not this ex, but my other one. This current ex I took the extreme opposit approach.. now I will wait and see .

[Rorschach64]

Yup sure is a fine reaction to the situation, fight or flight. Hopefully that applies to the situation we speak of.

 

I'd like to hear how not giving a crap and accepting the break up right there and then works out.

[leoc1973]

I agree with Rorach. think of it this way... you feel like there was a chance if you had played the game right.. well think of it as why do I have to play a game at all. Why do I gotta play this push pull crap with anyone if she loves me then she loves me if she doesn't then she doesn't. Man up and think Who the eff is she what makes her so great that I the one and only me has to play a game with 1 girl when there are 3.5 billion more of them out there!?! There is only one you and that many of them. Thats a pretty good amount of women. And don't start telling yourself that she is one in a million or billion or any of that cause she is not. She is just high on your pedistal right now. We all go through it and we put them up there. Then after a couple months things turn around and they start to forget about your faults and start putting you back on a pedistal once they feel you slipping away. I seen a saying on someones quotes saying Someday you will want me when I no longer want you. Trust me if she loves you and really loves you let her go she will be back. I have had 5 serious relationships. 3 - 5 year relationships and 2 - 2 year relationships. I have been broken up with 4 of the 5 all for other guys. I begged and pleaded in the first 3 and finally gave up a few months go by and guess who calls. Every single time. Women want what they can't have and so do men. This is why you want her exponentially more than normal cause you can not have her. She has to feel like she is losing you at this point where she will want you back. Go on dates. Don't lead any women on to get to this girl just date casually. Don't hide it if she finds out then good. You will see how fast she comes around. And if she does don't cave right away trust me if you tell her you aren't sure anymore it will drive her mad. If she doesn't come back then do you really want a lopsided relationship where this girl who is 1 of 3.5 billion feels like she is the center of the universe. No matter what be strong. Oh and just to let you know the ex that just told me that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again sent me 5 emails in 2 days cause on my facebook a girl who I went out with said she had a wonderful evening with me.

[Rorschach64]

I wouldn't sweat this, yeah easier said than done-I know that still to this moment, if she comes back she does and if not leoc summed it up right, too many people out there to be hung up on ONE person forever.

 

Just NC her and if she comes at you see what she has to say and play the LC game, yeah it is lame as hell we have to play a power game to win the ones we love back but oh well such is life. Be cocky, be funny, be secure, be smart, and obviously confident. Don't be a dick or vengeful, don't try to sell yourself, and in terms of emotions let them come to you about that since you clearly already made it known how you feel.

 

As far as them knowing about another girl you are dating, I don't believe it is necessary to mention it unless it comes up and I personally would tell her "Don't worry about it, let me worry about it :P" Obviously, if talks of second chance come up then you gotta mention your relationship and in theory, I don't know if I would be able to do this myself, don't break up a perfectly good relationship for an ex.....

Edited November 3, 2011 by Rorschach64

[Sugarkane]

I'm not sure if begging and pleading matters that much. It's difficult not to at the time. I've never begged or pleaded with an ex. It didn't make any difference. Even trying to act indifferent didn't work. They still never got back together with me. At Least if If you begged you know you tried everything.