Ashbash11 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Hello. I don't typically post in this forum, but I didn't know where else to turn.. I recently discovered something about myself: I don't know how to be happy. I can't really remember a period of time in my life where I was truly content or happy, except for some moments in college. Here's my other dilemma: I feel like I am constantly on a quest to find the "next thing" that will make me happy: a new job, moving to another place, new friends, a new hobby.. etc. But.. when I actually achieve those things, I feel just as lousy as I did beforehand. I always hear people say "you have to love yourself, and find happiness within yourself" etc.. But HOW does one do that, exactly? I guess I don't quite understand what happy people have that I don't have, if that makes sense. I'm just sort of rambling here, but I wanted to see if how I feel is a common experience or not, and if anyone has any advice. I want to be a happy person, but I don't know how to do it. I suppose I am too negative- I tend to be a "glass half-empty" person... I don't know how to change. Right now, I should be happy, because I got a great job, I have wonderful friends, a boyfriend who I am very much in love with, good parents... It seems like I have everything.. But... I still feel like other people have better lives than I do, and that my life isn't what it could be. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe it's the infamous "quarterlife crisis," I don't exactly know.
norajane Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Being content with what you have is what makes people happy. You are unhappy because you are never content with what you have. Contentment comes from a full and deep appreciation for the people we have in our lives, and with what we have accomplished. You are too ready to "move on to the next thing" and to envy other people's "better" lives. Do you think you are fully present in your life, and fully appreciate what you have? One way to combat this is to help others who are less fortunate than you. Volunteer work can open your eyes to how much you really do have and how valuable it is and how terribly unhappy you would be if you lost it. Some people never learn to appreciate what they have until they do lose it. Don't be one of those people. Do kind things for others; that will reward you in a way you don't realize right now...make it less about what you can get in your life for YOURSELF, and more about doing for others. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I rarely stay happy for more than a few weeks, or a few months if I'm lucky. I find life a constant battle, and often think I don't know how to be happy/enjoy my life, even though I keep busy etc.
PelicanPete Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Hope you brought your snorkel, things are about to get pretty deep . Happiness isn't a goal to achieve. It isn't anything you can pursue or possess. It is a product of your actions; I'm sure you already know that. Happiness is all about doing what is meaningful and important to you. Being what you are and who you are at your fullest potential [whatever that may be]. Action determines thought, and happiness is a side effect of your thinking. The problem I notice from your explanation is that you are looking at things through a lense of "success". This causes people to often hinge their emotions on the final result of things. The key is however to do things that are meaningful to you. If it is something you really love and enjoy, you will love and enjoy it all the way through. One of my hobbies are practicing handstands. I started learning how to do them almost a year ago because it was something that I was always interested in learning. In the beginning I couldn't even take the pressure of being upside down, but even though I sucked at it I was still enjoying myself because there was something fulfilling about doing it. Every bit of progress I made put a smile on my face, and I was overjoyed when I did my first real handstand. Even though I reached my goal of learning how to do it, I still practice almost everyday because it makes me happy. Although I wish I was able to do more advanced techniques like one arm handstands, it isn't something I am grinding towards. Perfecting and practicing my handstand is something that I love to do. It's not about being the best, it's just about doing what I enjoy. If I continue to do it, I know I will get there someday. Have the courage to do what you love, whatever that may be. If you do something you love, you won't be too concerned about the result. You may live somewhere new, have found great friends, and an awesome job, but if you don't truly love or enjoy any of it, is it really worth it?
orangelady Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Hope you brought your snorkel, things are about to get pretty deep . Happiness isn't a goal to achieve. It isn't anything you can pursue or possess. It is a product of your actions; I'm sure you already know that. Happiness is all about doing what is meaningful and important to you. Being what you are and who you are at your fullest potential [whatever that may be]. Action determines thought, and happiness is a side effect of your thinking. The problem I notice from your explanation is that you are looking at things through a lense of "success". This causes people to often hinge their emotions on the final result of things. The key is however to do things that are meaningful to you. If it is something you really love and enjoy, you will love and enjoy it all the way through. Have the courage to do what you love, whatever that may be. If you do something you love, you won't be too concerned about the result. You may live somewhere new, have found great friends, and an awesome job, but if you don't truly love or enjoy any of it, is it really worth it? I know, but how come I can't seem to find what I enjoy or love doing, Pete? I've tried blogging, writing, playing different musical instruments, sports, art, I have not found anything. What is wrong with ME? Please don't tell me I am depressed. I socialize a lot and I find that when I find people or a group of people that I enjoy talking with, I feel HAPPY. But then again, I don't want to find a passion that is dependent on people's company.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know, but how come I can't seem to find what I enjoy or love doing, Pete? I've tried blogging, writing, playing different musical instruments, sports, art, I have not found anything. What is wrong with ME? Please don't tell me I am depressed. I socialize a lot and I find that when I find people or a group of people that I enjoy talking with, I feel HAPPY. But then again, I don't want to find a passion that is dependent on people's company. What is it about that kind of socializing that you really like? Is it the opportunity to learn about interesting people and their ideas? Is it the feeling of camaraderie? Is it sharing similar points of view on certain things? Is it having the opportunity to express yourself? Think about what it is that appeals to you about it, that makes you come alive. Maybe that can help lead you to your passions. Or maybe you don't need a "passion" but a goal. Do you have goals for your life? Is there something you want or would like to do, like take a trip around the world?
PelicanPete Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I know, but how come I can't seem to find what I enjoy or love doing, Pete? I've tried blogging, writing, playing different musical instruments, sports, art, I have not found anything. What is wrong with ME? Please don't tell me I am depressed. I socialize a lot and I find that when I find people or a group of people that I enjoy talking with, I feel HAPPY. But then again, I don't want to find a passion that is dependent on people's company. I don't think you're depressed don't worry . It's just a matter of getting more in touch with yourself, that's all. Getting to know yourself works exactly the same way as hanging out with friends. Sometimes there's nothing like taking day with me myself and I. The more time you make for yourself, the more your thoughts and ideas of who you are will evolve, just like your perceptions of other people when you get to know them better. The more time you spend with yourself, the more comfortable you'll become with who you are, the more you'll understand about what you like/want/love/enjoy etc. It's exactly the same as making friends with another person. You will naturally learn more about the person the more you spend time with them. By spending time with yourself more often, you may just naturally fall into an activity that just feels right. Fitness seems to work the best for me personally. Working out, going for a walk, doing any sort of physical activity by myself really breaks down any other distractions and lets me listen to myself. Otherwise, just keep asking yourself "what do i enjoy doing?", you may develop some sort of direction over time if you listen for the answer .
danmorisson Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I'm rarely ever happy myself, mostly due to my appearance. I wish things had been different, born with looks, I'm sure I would of had a wife and kids right now. But God was good to some and mean to others for no apparent reason whatsoever. My life is computers.
Els Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Oh, yeah. I know Miley Cyrus' "There's always gonna be another mountain" song might be corny, but it sorta describes me. It's human nature for many of us, I believe. Humans always want more. It is good in a way. If we had been satisfied with dragging home raw meat to our caves to eat, we would still be living in them. But at some point, one has to find a balance. How? I'm still not sure. Norajane gives good ideas. I'd never truly appreciated what I had til I walked the corridors of the hospitals in my old third world country, and saw people dying (of CURABLE diseases!!) painfully and alone and with no comforts.
danmorisson Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) You don't quite comprehend how good you've got it. I was born with a massive head deformity so outside life is torture for me. I can't make any friends and I'm forced to avoid as many people as I possibly can whenever I go out. For example, if I'm going shopping and see lots of people (especially young females) I'm forced to take a different route or suffer a mocking (really really bad mocking) You take the little things for granted, like being able to go outside without getting hassled. I wish I had that privilege Edit: As if accepting the fact that I will never have a date wasn't bad enough, I have to put up with relentlessness mockings all the time Edited November 1, 2011 by danmorisson
danmorisson Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 When you're this ugly you're all on your own (with your bros and sisters if you have any). No real friends (if any). No caring. No sympathy. No empathy. No sorrow. Nothing. You're on your own.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Norajane gives good ideas. I'd never truly appreciated what I had til I walked the corridors of the hospitals in my old third world country, and saw people dying (of CURABLE diseases!!) painfully and alone and with no comforts. Oh, that sounds heartbreaking! I didn't even mean that helping others needs to be so dire. Doing something nice for others can be something small - think of it as "pay it forward" all day long. When you're at the grocery store, pick up a few extra things for your elderly neighbor who has trouble getting around. Bring a batch of homemade cookies for your team at work (or school) for no reason. Instead of wallowing at home feeling bad because you don't have a new year's eve date, offer to babysit for a friend so she and her husband can go out. Have a potluck dinner on Thanksgiving and invite people you know won't be with their families for whatever reason. Doing nice things for other people, whether it's in your daily life or through a volunteer activity, is rewarding and makes you feel happy. I don't know why it works, but it does. And for orangelady who gets pleasure from socializing, there is nothing wrong with deepening your bonds with people. People enrich our lives in many ways.
norajane Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 When you're this ugly you're all on your own (with your bros and sisters if you have any). No real friends (if any). No caring. No sympathy. No empathy. No sorrow. Nothing. You're on your own. The animals at the pet shelter don't care what you look like. And there is nothing like owning a dog to make you feel loved - dogs are always happy to see you, and there are so many that need good homes. They aren't called "man's best friend" for nothing. If people aren't adding warmth, acceptance and love to your life...adopt a dog who needs a home.
danmorisson Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) The animals at the pet shelter don't care what you look like. And there is nothing like owning a dog to make you feel loved - dogs are always happy to see you, and there are so many that need good homes. They aren't called "man's best friend" for nothing. If people aren't adding warmth, acceptance and love to your life...adopt a dog who needs a home. Still doesn't change the fact that I have to sit in the house all day. Still doesn't change the fact that I can't function like a regular person. I'm living with my brothers and that's the only thing that stops me from killing myself. I would never be able to go on living without my brothers. Edited November 1, 2011 by danmorisson
danmorisson Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I really shouldn't be here, any other person would of killed themselves a long time ago. I know a couple who have. It's my brothers, I live with them and I feel like a regular guy in the house. My deformity is no longer an issue. I loved my sis but hated her at the same time, I'm glad she left the house because she would mock me about it all the time and go way overboard. She reminded me of them outside, I had to sit in my room all day.
orangelady Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I don't think you're depressed don't worry . It's just a matter of getting more in touch with yourself, that's all. Getting to know yourself works exactly the same way as hanging out with friends. Sometimes there's nothing like taking day with me myself and I. The more time you make for yourself, the more your thoughts and ideas of who you are will evolve, just like your perceptions of other people when you get to know them better. The more time you spend with yourself, the more comfortable you'll become with who you are, the more you'll understand about what you like/want/love/enjoy etc. It's exactly the same as making friends with another person. You will naturally learn more about the person the more you spend time with them. By spending time with yourself more often, you may just naturally fall into an activity that just feels right. Fitness seems to work the best for me personally. Working out, going for a walk, doing any sort of physical activity by myself really breaks down any other distractions and lets me listen to myself. Otherwise, just keep asking yourself "what do i enjoy doing?", you may develop some sort of direction over time if you listen for the answer . Pete, I spend too much time alone by myself. When I was young, I was left alone at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it, I'd put the music on loudly, read, watch TV, cooked, etc. But now as an adult, I resent it. I am okay being alone sometimes as I need it but I also desire company and I don't get it often as unless I go out for social events which I do and I have this one good friend that I spend time with although she is leaving the country soon. Pete I spend a lot of time with myself yet I have not discovered my passion. Nora, I have some goals but I feel those goals do not motivate me? For example, I want to find something I love to do as a career but I don't know what it is. Also Nora, with the bonding thing, I simply love being with people because it takes my mind off my worries and sadness and I love being 'connected' in that sense? I don't really know what it is. Those are great questions and I think I will take some time to come up with the answers. When I find them, can I PM you about them?
88monsters Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I do wish I know how to be happy too. But as mentioned, I also believe that we cannot find happiness because it is a process rather than a product. Sometimes I do feel that our unhappiness can be caused by our own expectations of happiness. For example, only if this is _____, then I will be happy. And often, we don't get whatever we want in life I read before that happiness is about no having any aims on happiness. Perhaps being able to feel contented and grateful will help. I myself am trying very best to not think too much, to let go of things. I am slowly making my way to lead a better life because I also want to be happy there are times when I also feel like maybe I have depression, and it can lower your self-esteem even more. So now I try to find things that I enjoy doing. There isn't a drastic change in my happiness level, but at least I know I am making the effort to start appreciating life? It's tiring to be unhappy, isn't it?
danmorisson Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I try to enjoy life, love technology, the solar system etc, but unfortunately we live where people won't leave you alone if you're ugly. Still regret the day I was born.
orangelady Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 It's tiring to be unhappy, isn't it? and its tiring to be happy too....
88monsters Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 and its tiring to be happy too.... why do you say so? well, if you are saying that trying to be happy is tiring, then i do agree. we have to learn to accept that life can never be a bed of roses all the time. there are definitely ups and downs. we just have to learn to cope with the unhappy days and moments. like what everyone says, there is always a choice. although i have to say that it's easier said than done.
sad&stresd Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I rarely stay happy for more than a few weeks, or a few months if I'm lucky. I find life a constant battle, and often think I don't know how to be happy/enjoy my life, even though I keep busy etc. I'm kinda having the same type of problem that you do and i'm really getting sick and tired of it
Author Ashbash11 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 Wow, this thread has really taken an interesting turn.. I feel a bit relieved to see that others feel the same way as I do.. Several people mentioned doing kind things for others, which I definitely try to do.. Actually, my career is helping others. I am a school psychologist, and I work with children from many different backgrounds and situations, and I have seen some heartbreaking things in my short lifetime. I agree. I do find that helping others makes me feel good... I guess i meant my question in more broad terms.. like.. I've met people who have horrible jobs and who do not have much money or family around them, but they are consistently happy. And I always wonder what it is internally that "keeps them going", if you will.. What drives them, and keeps them from despairing and giving up?
Leegh Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Wow, this thread has really taken an interesting turn.. I feel a bit relieved to see that others feel the same way as I do.. Several people mentioned doing kind things for others, which I definitely try to do.. Actually, my career is helping others. I am a school psychologist, and I work with children from many different backgrounds and situations, and I have seen some heartbreaking things in my short lifetime. I agree. I do find that helping others makes me feel good... I guess i meant my question in more broad terms.. like.. I've met people who have horrible jobs and who do not have much money or family around them, but they are consistently happy. And I always wonder what it is internally that "keeps them going", if you will.. What drives them, and keeps them from despairing and giving up? I think when someone does not have much money, they can be happier than a person who is a millionaire, because the person without much money is working toward a goal, for example, saving money for a car, etc. I think people can be happier trying to attain a goal rather than instantly having it. In addition, I've read of some wealthly people who have had expensive clothes hanging in their closets for several years, never worn, and with the price tags still on them. I believe a person without much money tends to appreciate things more.
Belle Vie Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I am right there with you. I used to always hope for the next thing, thinking that would make me happy. First it was material objects, then it was experiences. Then, I hoped I'd meet someone (friend, boyfriend, didn't matter), who would finally understand me and know me, and that would make me happy. (Never happened.) My best time was in college, when I had people around me and a couple close friends. Once I graduated, and that was over and my friends drifted away, I really began to realize how unhappy I was. Like you, I've taken classes, tried different hobbies. I've tried therapy numerous times (and often end up trying to make the therapist feel better, rather than myself). I've even volunteered several times, buying into the "helping others makes you happy" message that everyone always talks about. Volunteering always made me feel worse than when I started. I always resented going, felt I couldn't do enough to help when I got there, and couldn't leave fast enough. My last volunteer attempt was supposed to be a 1-year commitment to tutor a child. I ended up being sucked into that family's life for THREE YEARS, and the agency I was working with couldn't do much to get me out of it because the mother was so difficult. I'm very good at PRETENDING I'm happy, so people usually think I'm a great volunteer, and want me to stay and stay and stay. But finally I have to try to find a way out. But in this case, when I finally was able to get out of this volunteer situation, I felt horrible about it, as if I was abandoning the kid. So, volunteering made me feel worse than ever. I recently had a personal crisis that showed me just how unhappy I am, and it pretty much gutted me. So, I've finally accepted it (I'm older than you, so I now realize that I can't buy, experience, or volunteer my way to actually enjoying living a life.) I've given up. Right now, I'm just putting in my time--I'll get up, make money, pay my bills, and do what I'm supposed to do until I don't anymore, I guess. Hopefully, you'll succeed at this more than I have. Maybe you'll discover a secret that I never did.
cherrylips Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Maybe the root of your unhappiness is based in something physiological. You might not be firing the right amount of "happy" chemicals (serotonine, etc). I'm not making light of it either; your brain might not be functioning in the right way to give you a good sense of well being. Focus on trying to live a healthy lifestyle if you don't already: exercise, diet with the right amount of macronutrients, getting adequate sleep (not too much or too little), getting sunshine... You may want to look into antidepressants. I've never been diagnosed with depression, and would be the last person to give advice on medicating depression so I won't. Its something to consider, and maybe ask a doctor about. IF you have a legitimate underlying chemical issue in your body that is causing you to feel bad, then it makes sense to treat it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that instead of looking at your feelings as being caused by some sort of inaction on your part or existential unfulfillment, try finding out if there is something wrong within your body that is causing you to feel the way you do.
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