Viking Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I talked with my GF last Wednesday on skype for about three hours (normally it is only an hour at the most) and I laid out what I wanted to say along the lines of this: I am not going to move to Taiwan. There is a job offer that I am contemplating taking. I don't want to really move to Taiwan in the future (if she does grad school). She needs to decide whether or not she wants a future with me. I want kids and a family someday. She's now trying to decide whether or not she wants to go to grad school in Taiwan to improve her Chinese language abilities. She is going to ask some of her professors, her parent's friends and some other professionals as to whether or not it would be a good idea to do grad school in Taiwan. What I'm afraid of is that they will all say, "Yes! Do it! You're young and it will be a great experience and your Chinese will really improve etc." While this is true, I think it would spell doom to our relationship. I don't want to convince her one way or the other, but I would like to stay together, so I am obviously leaning toward her not doing grad school in Taiwan... I guess I'm afraid of her picking grad school in Taiwan instead of a life with me. Is there any way I can "retract" an ultimatum? I'm not willing to move to Taiwan this year, but might be more willing in the future. Right now I just have too many things I want to do before I pick up and leave everything. Any advice? Thanks...
wild_urge Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I don't know about anything else, but you have only been in LDR for like two months right ? And already it's not working out for you and you are freaking out and you are pushing het o decide what she'll be doing in year/ may be more . . . I think that you should calm down a little bit, you want the time to pass really fast, which is understandable, but it isn't going to, you have to understand that this is going to suck for a while and you'll have to live with it if you love her as much as you say you do. Now, all your concerns do seem reasonable, but in the past two weeks you've posted sooo much and you are sooo concerned with the whole thing that I am just assuming that you either aren't made for LDR or just have to calm down and relax a bit, it has only been 2 months ( if I am not wrong ), this LDR just started and you seem to be putting too much pressure, I can't explain it well, but it's like you are fighting to get it over with as fast as you can when you know you are going to have to wait for at least a year. You're probably stressing her a lot. That's only my point of view. Good luck
creighton0123 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 No. You did the right thing. An LDR is obviously not something you want in your life and it would be wrong of you to resign yourself to one where you are obviously not happy. Given your previous threads, you seem to be doing everything you can to sabotage your relationship with her without actually breaking up with her. A long distance relationship is a long, slow journey where you and your partner grow together in patience and mutual understanding. You do quite a bit of communicating when you can. If you do not have the patience, you need to let her go. You two are obviously on very different paths and are not doing right by one another. Realize, though, that you simply can't move to Taiwan. Immigration to Taiwan for a duration longer than 6 months is not easy, especially without money or formal educational training. Ask yourself: do you really want a long distance relationship where reuniting is so open ended? If the answer is 'no', you know what you have to do.
Author Viking Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 I just don't know how to relax. No, I don't want an LDR, but yes, I want to stay with my GF. I'm having a million different things running through my head and it is stressing me out. Yes, it has only been two months, and there are still about 8 to go until she comes back. I am contemplating taking a trip there for a couple weeks, that way we do not spend so much time apart, but also so we can have some hope. She's talking with some people about whether or not it would benefit her in the long run to do grad school in a foreign country where the school is not known and is not likely to boost her in any way other than language abilities. I've been thinking it will be fine to just have a chat about what I am thinking and feeling, as we will be doing that tomorrow. I just don't want her to have to decide between me and school. I don't want to come out on the bottom. I want her to have her time abroad, but I want her to come back feeling fulfilled and not like she needs to go back because she is unfulfilled or something. I'm so sorry for being so scattered and disorganized.
wildgeese Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 An ultimatum is tricky because it sounds like you're not exactly considering taking her goals. Ultimatums are never the way to go in my opinion because they only brew forced decisions and resentment. Are you subconsciously (possibly even consciously) trying to punish her for her neglectful behavior? Relationships, and especially long distance relationships, are about compromise and sometimes even "sacrifice". I agree that you need to try to relax, though I know it's hard. Get your mind on something else. You don't have to retract anything, but it doesn't have to be as stiff as that. Just be honest and tell her that you're not ready to make the move.
creighton0123 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Yes, it has only been two months, and there are still about 8 to go until she comes back. I am contemplating taking a trip there for a couple weeks, that way we do not spend so much time apart, but also so we can have some hope. I would highly recommend, if only for the experience, that you do this. Taipei is an amazing place to visit. I was only there for a week and saw just a fraction of what the city (and countryside) had to offer. I'd suggest that you wait until you do take that trip (and wait until the end of said trip) before you have any serious conversations about what you want to do in the future. You have to let her calmly know that you don't know how you would react if she were to extend her stay in Taiwan for grad school. You did, after all, only initially agree to a study abroad. For her to change the conditions and tack on a few more years to her trip most definitely justifies you reevaluating the relationship. Next time you talk, just let her know how you are feeling and that her desire to remain abroad did cause you a great deal of confusion, sadness, and doubt. It's only fair that she knows exactly how you feel, otherwise you will keep bottling things up inside and never be able to relax. Just... don't talk to her about these things in writing. Video chat will be much better, even if it is only one of you streaming the video.
befreckled Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I find it troubling that you are not taking into consideration what she wants. Personally, I would not give up education and a future for a relationship that is two months old. Regardless of how perfect things may be. I understand that YOU might not want an LDR without a deadline but I think you should dish out an ultimatum when you are ready to let go because you don't want the relationship if that is the situation at hand as opposed to trying to guilt her into picking you. The life you want is someday, until then there's today. And today you are asking her to give up her goals, dream for a two month old relationship I (If I understood correctly) Consider that. I'd speak to her again and re-visit the conversation at another juncture and be honest about how you feel.
Author Viking Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 I find it troubling that you are not taking into consideration what she wants. Personally, I would not give up education and a future for a relationship that is two months old. Regardless of how perfect things may be. I understand that YOU might not want an LDR without a deadline but I think you should dish out an ultimatum when you are ready to let go because you don't want the relationship if that is the situation at hand as opposed to trying to guilt her into picking you. The life you want is someday, until then there's today. And today you are asking her to give up her goals, dream for a two month old relationship I (If I understood correctly) Consider that. I'd speak to her again and re-visit the conversation at another juncture and be honest about how you feel. We've been together for two years. She's been overseas for two months. As for the proposed trip, I will have to see if that is something that will be feasible. Being able to go there would be a huge relief for me and her due to the fact that we both are stressed and it would be a way to relieve some of the stress we are feeling. Her wanting to tack on a few years to the LDR, that is what makes me have doubts, fears and confusion as to what I want. You nailed it on the head Creighton.
Els Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I'm not sure if you should retract it or not, but from the way I see things, you have some introspection to do. Firstly, why would you even give someone you love an ultimatum to not do something that would be good for them, in the first place? What you are saying is different from, 'I'm not sure if we could last if she does this'. Basically, what you did was tell her, 'I'm not going to move. And you are going to have to choose, Taiwan or a future with me'. Why is it that you feel (the vibe I'm getting from your posts) that it is perfectly fine for you to not want to move, but that if she chooses to go to Taiwan, she is 'choosing it over you'? You mentioned in another thread that you are on the verge of splitting due to 'her poor communication skills'. From reading this, it doesn't sound to me like she is the one with the poor communication skills, IMO. Maybe she does have poor communication skills, but the way you described this, you did not talk to her about possibilities and her goals and plans and desires at all. You just went up and told her, "I am not going to do this, this, and this, and you need to decide whether or not you want a future with me, and if you do, that would entail you not going to Taiwan." That does not sound like good communication to me.
Author Viking Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Well, we've had two discussions since the talk where I gave an ultimatum about breaking up. Can't really see how it can get better from here... We're not broken up, but the stress is weighing on both of us. She isn't sure if me visiting in two months would help or if it is "delaying the inevitable" (her words). Man I'm sick of LDRs. However, I am willing to work on this one. She said she isn't sure if she is ready for a relationship that can lead to marriage. I'm torn between finding someone here in my town and staying with my GF as I do love her and see a future. This is all very frustrating.
creighton0123 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Of course it's frustrating. It wouldn't be a troubled romance if it weren't stressful. I would say that you should plan the vacation. If anything, you'll have a great chance to visit an awesome little country. Taipei was amazing when I went. Just make sure when booking the vacation that you're willing to go through with it, whether or not you end up flying solo when you're there.
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