Unwanted77 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I'm not sure where to begin in writing this. I begun a new job in feb 2010. At that time I was living with a good guy who I didn't love but I wanted to have a regular relationship that is expected by society. This relationship fell apart in December of last year but I didn't move out. In my work I became devoted to role and assisting my boss with making the business work. My boss was having difficulties at home since before I started working for him. As we where spending a large amount of time together we became very close friend and would discuss our lives outside work. With that close friendship came attraction too. When I told him that my relationship at home was over and I was only a tenant then he begun to chase me. We'd flirt. I didn't tell him that I didn't want a relationship with him. In march of this year we begun having a sexual relationship. We both felt at this stage that we were so in love with each other. At the beginning of June I move out of the house I was living in with my ex boyfriend. As I couldn't take the pressures from him to get back with him. Around the end of June my bosses wife discovered a email correspondence between me and him. The content of the mail consisted of our commitment to each other and our tremendous love. She through him out and he has been staying with his parents. He has 2 children 19 and 21 years old. I didn't want him to come to live with me as I believed I needed to live alone for a while. He felt he shouldn't move in with me either in fear that his two lads would not want to see him. Since that split she has tried to overdose twice. She's been to counselling. She has also begun proceeding for a judicial separation from him. She has also prevented him on several occasions from seeing the two sons. She said that she wasn't willing to discuss anything with him until he fired me. She is aware that he is seeing me outside of work. Up until recently she had told him nothing could be discussed until he fired me. He told her that was never going to happen and that he loves me. Now she has decided that she wants him back and is willing to have him back in the family home even if I remain employed and as long a he commits to not having any kind of relationship with me other than boss and employee. He said he wants to move back because he misses he sons and for financial reasons. He says he doesn't want to go back because he doesn't want to give up our relationship and he loves me so much. I love him so much but I don't know what I should do. If I leave him he is left with no one to support him with home or to assist him with bringing the business through this rough time. It breaks my heart to think that I couldn't have him in my life. If I stay at work and he moves back to the family home how do we both manage to have a working relationship and not end up as lovers again. My heart is aching with the thought of loosing him. I feel so worthless and what's the point in going on at all. If I didn't exist then no one would have any problems. I don't know what to do where to turn and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. the things i wrote about are just what are happening at present. I feel like my life is a absolute disaster. I don't know if the man I have fallen in love with and has fallen in love with me, wants to be with me or not. I feel if he goes back with his wife i will be unable to continue working with him or have any contact with him. My emotions for him are so strong. I know if he goes back he will be miserably unhappy but why should he risk loosing his family home and business because of me. If i didn't exist then he wouldn't have to choose between me and her because there would only be her. Then leaving S, in June this year, i know was the right thing because i felt from the start that the relationship wasn't right. And now that I'm with D (my boss). Because of all the above that has happened through my life i lost my friends and my relationship with my family has deteriorated They don't want to know anymore and are all disgusted that I'm with D - a married man. Everyone is always quick enough to say "you shouldn't have donethat!" but never want to give advice on what you should do and how. Why oh why does life not come with a manual? I hate myself for the wrong i have done. I hate myself for loving D as much as I do and wanting him to choose me. I hate myself for all the hurt pain and suffering i have caused everyone. Whats the right thing to do now with my current circumstances? Do I walk away from the man I love, and the job i love, if i leave my job then i'm screwed as i'll have no income to pay my bills and debts, should I stay in my job while D. returns home and try to have a work relationship with him. Should I try to convince him that he needs to be with me and not return home. Do I just give up and end it all now? I feel so low. Saturday D called over to see me realising how emotional I am. He arranged dinner and we watched a crappy movie. Then we just sat and talked and talked. He is going to meet his wife Sunday night. We discussed in great detail how he felt and how I am feeling and he was saying he felt he owed it to his sons his wife and parents to give his marriage ago. Finally he said he felt he owed it to himself. I'm happy he is doing it for himself and i can respect that. His terms for going back to the family home are that he will run the business as he sees fit with me as his right hand man. She will not work for the business any more. There will be no changes in the way I work within the business. And that my role in the business will not alter also she will not speak a bad word about me. And that we no longer have a relationship other than platonic. We held each other tight and kissed a lot. I know that he loves me and why he feels he should go back. Most of all he really convinced me of his love for me. D went an met her the other night and she has agreed to me staying in work and D & I having a work relationship. How can I go back to work when he's going back to her. He is still insisting that he loves me and couldn't go back if i wasn't working with him. I didn't sleep at all last night and wish i had been brave enough to end it all. Should i go back to work with him while he goes back to her to try to make his marriage work. I love him so much and he loves me too. What do I do???
geegirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 You've put yourself between a rock and a hard place. If you believe you can continue working without getting emotional or entangled with him again, then you can choose to continue working there. It all depends on how capable you are of enforcing your boundaries. The situation is not going to change with this man. When the s*** hit the fan, he went running back. He may love you, may dream of a life with you but his obligations and responsibilities weigh too heavy for him to choose you. And even if he left for YOU, trust that at some point he will resent you for the failings with his family. He has to leave because HE wants to leave. So, please, respect and accept his decision. In the beginning, that fantasy, that new love, that excitement, probably got to his head and he went for it but the moment the reality of his wife, his sons, his family, his financial situation set it, he made a rational choice and not an emotional one. You have a choice to stay at this place, only if you can stomach being around him, and I hardly believe you can. With every choice comes repercussion. The only thing you can do is start over. I am sorry that your family and friends have discarded you. Please come here and vent and ask for advice. I have a friend that was once in your situation and I can relate to the pain and isolation that she felt. I am sorry for what you are going through.
Author Unwanted77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 thank you so much for your support as i am so alone right now. I know I have a difficult decision to make. I don't know if i can continue to work with him as i am emotionally entangle with him and I don't know how it can be any other way. I am aware of why he has to go back and I do respect him for it. I want to remain working with him and supporting him, but i think part of me will be staying there in the hope that he'll come back to me. I do love him so so much and i know he feels the same about me too.
kittenkit Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Please look for a new job, if there are any around. Im sure you can manage for the mean time, but you need to plan your escape. It's going to be tough even if you both are mature and professional about it. I work with my ex (there are no jobs for me unless I leave the city or change careers so I decided to stick it out for a while till I get fully qualified). It's actually fine, but the hardest thing is if you are getting on well because it's easy to let your boundaries slip. It's too late to say don't get involved with a married man. You're in love with him now, so it hurts. Don't let this happen to you again. You can stop it before it goes too far. That doesn't help you right now of course!
Author Unwanted77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 thank you, looking for another job is not a option as there is no work here. If i leave, i have no way of supporting myself financially. After about 2 weeks I'd be living on the streets so I desparately need my work and I enjoy me job. I need to bear in mind what you have said about getting on WELL, because we do, we are always tuned into how we think, and we love each other doesn't help matters either.
geegirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) thank you so much for your support as i am so alone right now. I know I have a difficult decision to make. I don't know if i can continue to work with him as i am emotionally entangle with him and I don't know how it can be any other way. I am aware of why he has to go back and I do respect him for it. I want to remain working with him and supporting him, but i think part of me will be staying there in the hope that he'll come back to me. I do love him so so much and i know he feels the same about me too. I don't believe you can continue to work with him. Honestly, it will be very difficult for you. Please don't be his rescuer. He has his family and his friends to support him. It is not your responsibility to support him. It is YOUR responsibility to support yourself through this and remove yourself from his life. He still has the love of his family and friends to lift him up and support him through his ups and downs where his business is concerned. You on the other hand have no support from family and friends. Do you think he cares that you have been abandoned because of your involvement? No. Put yourself first. Don't be his savior and don't use "love" as your need to be there for him. He is not there for you. Edited October 31, 2011 by geegirl
ChelseaLS Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Although I seriously disagree with your actions, it's not my place to judge you.. it's not my life. Currently your boss is getting his cake and ice cream too; he gets the best of both worlds, you and his wife and to me that it ain't right. I would show him some tough love and tell him "Look you can't have us both. If you go back to your wife it will hurt, but I will move on and heal. This isn't fair to your wife or myself. I would love to have a happy honest relationship with you, but only you. I cannot share". You both deserve better then to be shared. As for work, if you cannot leave, I would keep it very LC and business like. It will be incredibly hard and painful, but keep strong, confident and head held high. Good luck.
stunned8165 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Ha!... Read my threads girl. I really have nothing to say about this other than pooping where you eat is never a healthy situation for anyone. His kids, my exes kids and all adults concerned. I have a heck of a bitter taste in my mouth about your situation. Read my threads and you will see why.. Good luck.
Author Unwanted77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 I know it will be difficult but i don't have another option at the moment. Work is not easily found in my industry. The only way i can support myself is by working with him. If i don't have a job, i will have no where to live other than the streets. He has supported me totally too and has been there all the time for me. Always ringing, texting, or emailing. He knows how difficult this is for me and accepts it and wants us to help each other to get past it. Yes he cares and is very much aware of how isolated i feel. What you are advising me to do is to cut myself off from him, no work, no contact with him, loose my job, my income and to loose my home. Have absolutely nothing and have absolutely nobody. I don't think that would be good for me now given my current state of mind. Thank you though for your opinion and support, i do appreciate it.
geegirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Don't get defensive. You asked "what do I do" and you are getting advice. And that would be to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation. If you knew you don't have a single option but to stay, why ask the question? If you feel you have to stay, then stay for your own reasons. I am just noting that it is a difficult task. That's all. Emailing and texting is all nice, but at the end of the day he is home with his family and you are alone, without the support of anyone. Work there if you have to in order to support yourself but not at the expense of supporting him. Good luck to you.
Author Unwanted77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) Edited October 31, 2011 by Unwanted77 Duplicated post
kittenkit Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I think you know what you need to do. But it's not what you want to do. We've all been there. You've got to get there in your own time. But you need to get away. He can't help you. In fact, the more he helps you the worse it will get because you will think that you need him. It's really difficult - I get that. But this is an awful position to leave yourself in. He's got his family - he's fine. But if you really have no one then it's even more important that you take care of yourself, and you're not doing that if you stay.
stunned8165 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I would love to see the same thing happen to my ex gf. Be left out in the cold like that. G is right. So what if he texts you, e mails you or even does you in the back room. Is that any kind of life?. Now your stuck. Just like my ex will be if he dumps her. Or if he cheats on her, or what ever. If she leaves him, he will just push her out the door like he does all the others then no job... You shouldn't have messed with a married man just like my exes boss shouldn't have messed with an engaged woman with two kids who have no dad other than me. She left me to be with her boss. Nothing wrong with our relationship and the family we had. Some grass on the other side of that fence huh?...
Author Unwanted77 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 @geegirl Sorry I didn't mean to come across as defensive. This whole this is just driving me around the twist and I don't know if i'm coming or going and i'm so madly in love with this man as he is with me. I think i should go back to work but have only discussions relating to business and look franticly for another job of any kind that will pay my bills and try to move on with my life and leave him to his. @ChelseaLS Everyone has fallen for the wrong person at some time of there life, and I don't agree with what i have done either. It was never malicious. Thank you all of you for your opinions, i really appreciate it as this has been my first forum thread and it has made me feel better about myself that you guys even bothered to read the whole story and then made the effort to comment. Sincerely thank you.
Recommended Posts