NordicStripes Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I was talking about this with my mum yesterday and I thought it was quite interesting. How many of the dumpers have told you they don't love you anymore? And then 'changed their mind' about this? And why would you still want them back. My mum says that she feels like the worst thing my ex did was tell me he didn't love me anymore. Because if you do still love someone, you wouldn't want to hurt them so badly by saying you don't love them anymore. So why would you want someone back who either actually doesn't love you anymore/love you the way it should be/wanted to hurt you so badly. I think what she says makes sense. When things went really bad with my ex, I never once thought that I didn't love him anymore. I just felt like we were going through a really tough time and I was certain we would survive it.
mike588 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I was talking about this with my mum yesterday and I thought it was quite interesting. How many of the dumpers have told you they don't love you anymore? And then 'changed their mind' about this? And why would you still want them back. My mum says that she feels like the worst thing my ex did was tell me he didn't love me anymore. Because if you do still love someone, you wouldn't want to hurt them so badly by saying you don't love them anymore. So why would you want someone back who either actually doesn't love you anymore/love you the way it should be/wanted to hurt you so badly. I think what she says makes sense. When things went really bad with my ex, I never once thought that I didn't love him anymore. I just felt like we were going through a really tough time and I was certain we would survive it. My ex. g/f didn't say I don't love you anymore she just said I don't think your my life mate. I was a rebound and not sure if she ever loved me,,she was still in love with her ex. and could'nt give me her love 100%.
MarMarMar Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Eh, I don't understand it either, I'm still on step one so I don't know why they would say it. When my ex told me that it felt like a load of bs and just made me angry because he didn't respect me enough to be honest with me and that he didn't even try to work on the relationship before he got to that point. I'll let you know if I hit the next step sometime.
MarMarMar Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 It does a bit, I'm not waiting around for him or anything cause I know he's stubborn and he made his choice like you said. It's still annoying and selfish the way he went about it though
Author NordicStripes Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 It does a bit, I'm not waiting around for him or anything cause I know he's stubborn and he made his choice like you said. It's still annoying and selfish the way he went about it though I have the exact same. I didn't understand why he couldn't just work at the relationship before deciding he didn't love me anymore. He says it's because he always figured thinks would just work out by themselves. Yeah, whatever... Anyway, after he slept with another girl he 'suddenly' realised that he DOES love me and that I'm the love of his love. I'm starting to think that's absolute crap. He just knows I loved him more than anything and he misses that. But I'm no doormat. And I might have found someone else. Listen to this song, it's great and makes me feel so much better:
radiodarcy Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 My ex. g/f didn't say I don't love you anymore she just said I don't think your my life mate. I was a rebound and not sure if she ever loved me,,she was still in love with her ex. and could'nt give me her love 100%. same here. the ex will never admit it but i was a rebound as well. i'm pretty sure he never loved me either. but he never came out and said it. which was nice of him. i guess. it's nice to know even he has his limits. but yes, Nordic, i agree with your mother -- to tell someone you don't love them anymore is downright cruel and unnecessary. i hope you find happiness - - whether it's with the new guy in your life or on your own.
leoc1973 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Well I have broken up with my girlfriend before the recent ex. I loved her very much and still I told her that I didn't love her anymore. I did love her very much. But I figured I would do the right thing and tell her I didn't love her anymore and then I told her I didn't wanna see her again. I did this so she could heal because its the right thing to do. I missed her every day for a long time and wanted to call her a million times but I never did cause I didn't wanna leave her hanging. She was a shopaholic and we always fought over money and she was never gonna change. I got sick of being in the poor house cause of her. She now has a great guy and I am happy for her My recent ex dumped me. She told me that I am the love of her life and her soulmate. She said it just isn't gonna work cause we wanted different things. I wish that she had just told me that she didn't love me anymore because it would have made it a lot easier for me. Instead I have been changing my whole life around so that we could be together and still she doesn't want me. She still keeps me hanging tho I guess I will always be her plan B. So either your ex told you he didn't love you anymore cause he didn't or because he is a good guy and doing the right thing by letting you heal.
LSgirl Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 My ex never told me he loved me. I think I was a rebound and we dated 10 months. Before me, he was engaged with this ex fiancee and with her for 8 years. He could never give me 100%, I could tell he was not fully invested, just liked the benefits of a relationship. It's been 9 Days NC, i dont think he's coming back.
Author NordicStripes Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 So either your ex told you he didn't love you anymore cause he didn't or because he is a good guy and doing the right thing by letting you heal. He didn't let me heal because a couple of weeks later he told me that he DID love me... Thanks for your story though, it does clear things up!
fucpcg Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 My ex, who quite vocally went on about how much she loved me after 2 motnhs together, went on to tell me what a miserable POS boyfriend I was after 11 months together, told me she'd never speak to me again cause I didn't deserve that from her, and that she didn't miss ANYTHING about our relationship. After talking about what happened with a very level headed guy friend of mine, over a few month period since the split, sharing with him my saddness for how it went down, and of all the nasty things my ex and her friends were saying to everyone around town, he made a great statement to me: "In the last couple months I've not heard you say one single thing bad about her, and in the last couple months she has not said one single nice thing about you. You should think about that one." It was a great point. My feelings for her had only allowed for me to miss her and say nice things, even while she was crucifying me to everyone she knew. Her feelings for me were comtempt, hatred, vengence. Had she really loved me, she would have acted more like I did to her.
RodG Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Mine said "I never stopped loving you, but this just isn't what I want anymore and I won't change my mind" No word for 5 months
ffw Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 My ex told me "She truly loved me, I was her soulmate and one day she would be my wife". Couple of months later we broke up...she "loved me, but not in love with me". How do people change that quickly.....if I told someone I truly loved them, it would be because I meant it! I wouldn't throw those words about because i thought it was what she wanted to hear. Within a month or so of leaving me, she's telling the new guy she loves him too! Two things one should understand in relationships are: 1) Action speaker louder than words. 2) Feelings change. If someone said something, it doesn't mean it will be forever. People perception as well as their feelings change with time.
immitable Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 seriously, I don't even know what does it mean to love someone, do they (dumpers)?
ffw Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 seriously, I don't even know what does it mean to love someone, do they (dumpers)? Yes, they do. That's why they are not with dumpees. With time, even dumpees will move on & find a new person.
RodG Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Yeah I understand that, but how you go from being deeply in love with someone and wanting to be involved in a partnership working out your problems to jumping ship a few months later...'not being in love anymore' baffles the hell out of me. I just can't turn love off like a tap. I still love her now even though we're not and won't be together ever again Yeah, they obviously didn't look into it deep enough...and thought they meant what they were saying at the time.
ffw Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Yeah I understand that, but how you go from being deeply in love with someone and wanting to be involved in a partnership working out your problems to jumping ship a few months later...'not being in love anymore' baffles the hell out of me. I just can't turn love off like a tap. I still love her now even though we're not and won't be together ever again Boystu, I don't know your story. Most people don't snap out from a relationship in one day. Eventually, for reasonable or unreasonable reasons, they will move on day by day. While other partner still daydreaming that everything is alright.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 My ex and I told each other we didn't love each other anymore and that we never wanted to see each other again. Our break up was rough and we clashed very hard afterward. Even though I said all those hurtful things I never once meant them, I only said them because he said them. Fast forward a few months and he texts me out of the blue and we meet up. It was like old times and we admitted that we missed each other. I asked if he ever meant all the cruel stuff he said and he said he didn't. He said he was emotionally unstable after he broke up with me, just like I was. Go figure! He was really good at hiding it that is for sure, he went and dated a rebound for a month, we fought, and all that kind of stuff. Unfortunately when we tried to reconnect recently, the timing was very bad because he is a junior in high school and I just got into college. So once school stared, we drifted apart due to our crazy schedules and started fighting again. I found out he had started seeing another girl and I let him go because I love him enough to do so, even though it hurt. It hurt him too, when I told him I couldn't see him anymore he cried and told me he was sorry and that it was all his fault that we fell apart and that the girl was nothing serious. I still walked, and have been in NC for a month now. I think in the heat of break ups, emotions are tender on both sides so we say things to each other that we don't really mean. You may lose someone right now, but that doesn't mean you have lost them forever. Sometimes separation is best for both people, as in my situation. It has allowed me to focus on myself, make myself happy, become more positive, and improve myself. It helps in letting go, forgiving, and allowing the past to truly die away, leaving only the fond memories. But that is in my experience with my ex, every situation is different.
MarMarMar Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 I have the exact same. I didn't understand why he couldn't just work at the relationship before deciding he didn't love me anymore. He says it's because he always figured thinks would just work out by themselves. Yeah, whatever... Anyway, after he slept with another girl he 'suddenly' realised that he DOES love me and that I'm the love of his love. I'm starting to think that's absolute crap. He just knows I loved him more than anything and he misses that. But I'm no doormat. And I might have found someone else. Listen to this song, it's great and makes me feel so much better: Nice song! I hadn't heard it before. Maybe I'll get to that point and get someone eventually Hope your might have found turns into a found!
Rorschach64 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I visited my ex-fiancee in Singapore this past June 2011 (LDR) and after the first day of her acting normal, saying she loves me and we had sex, she went totally cold for the next two days and said she is no longer attracted to me, all she sees in me is herself (I don't agree with her on that because I took interest in what she liked), we got too comfortable in the relationship blah blah grasping at straws. So she wanted a break where we were considered single and could see anyone we wanted (I told her I didn't want that set up at all) and stopped saying she loved me. Rest of my time there she acted cold and didn't make any attempt to be interested or salvage the relationship but she was more interested in texting her 'friend' that she was going out to dinner with a lot and never really telling me what they were doing outside of dinner. Lent her my laptop and went home thinking I got this no problem. Came back to her accusing me of cheating on her because she got in to my facebook over a conversation I had with a female friend. Broke up with me and wanted to be friends because she loves and cares about me blah blah. In the end I cleared my name of cheating and called her on this other guy, her friend told me she was already seeing someone after 4 days of the break up. She doesn't talk to me anymore after I put my foot down. She didn't have to say she didn't love me anymore, her actions spoke louder than any lie she came up with.
MarMarMar Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I visited my ex-fiancee in Singapore this past June 2011 (LDR) and after the first day of her acting normal, saying she loves me and we had sex, she went totally cold for the next two days and said she is no longer attracted to me, all she sees in me is herself (I don't agree with her on that because I took interest in what she liked), we got too comfortable in the relationship blah blah grasping at straws. So she wanted a break where we were considered single and could see anyone we wanted (I told her I didn't want that set up at all) and stopped saying she loved me. Rest of my time there she acted cold and didn't make any attempt to be interested or salvage the relationship but she was more interested in texting her 'friend' that she was going out to dinner with a lot and never really telling me what they were doing outside of dinner. Lent her my laptop and went home thinking I got this no problem. Came back to her accusing me of cheating on her because she got in to my facebook over a conversation I had with a female friend. Broke up with me and wanted to be friends because she loves and cares about me blah blah. In the end I cleared my name of cheating and called her on this other guy, her friend told me she was already seeing someone after 4 days of the break up. She doesn't talk to me anymore after I put my foot down. She didn't have to say she didn't love me anymore, her actions spoke louder than any lie she came up with. That's messed up; she just needed to find a way to take the blame off herself. Good job on standing up for yourself though
stunned8165 Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 My ex left 5 moths ago after 3 years and being a dad to her 4 & 5 yr olds. They had no dad other than me. But I could feel a change in her for months and would ask her if she didn't love me anymore or wasn't IN love with me any more just to find out she was having a relationship with her boss. I guess sometimes they just don't have the guts to tell you the truth. So no, She never said that to me. In fact, she always said yes she WAS in love with me till the end end never said it even after she was gone. .. To me, the truth shall set you free. Liars and cheats will NEVER be free.
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 It is a self defense mechanism, gas lighting, or whatever. They project their guilt and then forcefully come down on you like the blitzkreig making you in to some kind of deviant monster so they can feel justified in their actions of breaking up with you. Homebrew told me, next time you are in a relationship and your gut tells you something isn't exactly right with your other's behavior, time to walk. I would personally talk about it and then walk but I am sure even if you are civil and polite they will still lie to save their own asses.
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