fucpcg Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I've tried to write my story in a reasonably short enough length to share in here, but can't seem to do it. So let me just share the following... I dated a 39 year old mother who had quite the reputation for drinking and partying since her divorce from emotionally abusive husband 5 years prior. I gave it a shot because she seemed nice, however she became a monster when drinking, and she did that hard bout 3-4 nights a week. After 2 months I broke up with her, as my never ending discussions with her about need to quit partying got us nowhere, even though she kept saying quitting is something she wanted. She fought hard to win me back for a week, so finally I told her okay we will get back together if she quits drinking 100% or forget it. She did quit, we had amazing 10 months together. However the last 2 months I wasn't as good with her as I normally was because of some personal issues and pressures. I believe I was still a good guy, just not my usual self. After an argument one day (which I accept blame for) she walked out on me, went back to her 25 year old party girlfriends and crazy drinking, and her and five friends going around town ever since telling her friends, my friends, anyone and everyone that she dumped me because of how emotionally abusive, crazy, and psychotic to her. The stories left me rocked because I always considered myself a good boyfriend, and had never been accused of such things. In my 40 years I had 4 long term relationships besides her, and I went back and asked all 4 whom im still very friendly with, if they ever found me abusive. They all said no way. However since I know I wasn't perfect in the last months.... I wonder did I really do something to earn being called emotionally abusive? Or maybe this was just a good excuse for a girl to go back to partying, that just got tired of clean living? She is also extremely attractive woman who had many partners before me, had many since, maybe she missed that? I just am not sure. That is why I ask your stories, because if my behavior sounds like experiences you share, maybe I have a problem I need to take serious. If those stories are much worse than how I was with my ex, then maybe it was just her excuse to go back to much missed partying. So I would appreciate anyone who could take the time to share an experience you would consider relative. Thanks!
wilsonx Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) So let me get this straight! Your ex was divorced from an emotionally abusive husband! She left you and told everyone that you were emotionally abusive! Do you know what emotional abuse is? You asking on this forum what emotional abuse is pretty much tells me that you are the victim of emotional abuse. Theres a term I want you to learn, its called gaslighting. When shes telling all these people that you were emotional abusive, shes manipulating people so that she will be the victim from the end of the relationship. Not only that but shes a mother, goes out drinking how many nights a week? Hangs out with girls a decade younger then she is to party with? Come on, this is silly. You're 40 years old, people like her will never change by that age. You can't change people, that have to instill change on their own. Stop playing Captain Fix a Hoe.. work on your confidence, self esteem, yourself, and find somebody that enjoys being with you and doesnt have to change to be with you Edited October 31, 2011 by wilsonx
betterdeal Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) A rose by any other name would smell as sweet... It's disturbing when someone starts bandying around loaded terms such as "emotional abuse" about you. Most of us hear the word "abuse" and it triggers thoughts of forced rape, and child molestation. This loads the term "emotional abuse" with far more meaning and severity than the actions it supposedly refers to actually have. In light of that, I fully understand why you'd be upset by these accusations. What do you friends think? What about those people who know you both? They're more likely to have a more balanced view on the situation than you, her or I will. I prefer more neutral and less sensationalist terms: "it was a difficult relationship", for instance conveys the broad shape of the thing without accusations and without loaded terms. What can you take from this? Well, you now know to reserve judgment on someone's ex (such as the ex-husband, and now you) until you have a bit more information than a "he was emotionally abusive" from them. Were you emotionally abusive? Probably, in the broadest sense of the term; as was she. It takes two to tango. It normally is a two-way street, and, IMO, the term is so nefarious and loaded at the same time as to be emotionally abusive in itself by its own definition. Anyone with an ounce of sense will judge her by her actions, and slinging mud at her ex (you) whilst neglecting her child and acting like one herself will be more than enough for most people to dismiss her nonsense. My parents, for instance, had their lows, but there's no way on God's clean Earth my mother would abandon her children on the spurious grounds that she was upset by a bust up with her man. Your ex needs to remove that plank from her eye before she starts criticising the mote in yours. Edited October 31, 2011 by betterdeal
Sugarkane Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I really loathe it how dumpers make such outlandish claims. They can paint you black and lie and manipulate everyone, just to get them all on their side. I am sorry you have also gone through the same BS.
Author fucpcg Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Thanks for input, I appreciate it. At the end I certainly wasn't an angel, but never did something to be mean or vengeful. Id like to share last argument, but if I did then id have to get into entire story to give the context. Ultimately what happened in a few words is I exploded on her about her oldest son, age 11, whom I felt she had been putting enormous pressure on. Her 3 boys came on our second date together, and id say after one month, you could call her main caregiver, and I was main guardian. They were a handful to deal with, but they had great relationship with me and I never had any issues with them. Her and I spoke often about her children, and it was never a fight, just a discussion, and she always listened and appreciated the advice. However last month there were a few events that happened to this son that really bothered me, and she seemed not to respond to my input anymore. When this last issue popped up at our fitness gym, I lost it and got into fight with her right there in front of everyone. I didn't call her names or put her down, but I did get into intimate details regarding her son... Once again there is so much to this story, and if I shared more about the argument id probably really sound like an *******. However if I described to you her performance with her kids those 12 months, then I think the context would change it. Its hard for me because she was a disaster of a mom and girlfriend when drinking, best relationship I ever had when she was sober plus she was a much better mother, and after that blowout she is now back to drinking, I know her kids must be suffering from it based on what I saw in our first two months, and I can't feel comfortable that it wasn't my behavior that pushed a woman who did try very hard to turn life around, right back into spiral she went into after 16 year relationship with emotionally abusive husband. Is her ex abusive? Yes I believe that, and could see how terrible he was with his kids, and how disasterous they would be everytime they came home from weekend at his house. Am I free from sin? No. Can I be extremely intimidating when I lose my cool? Yes. Do I threaten people or get verbally abusive? No I lost my cool but stuck to facts of issues going on with her son, and no I never threaten violence or call people vulgar names. Did I embarrass her in the gym? Yes I suppose so. Did she bring up that topic while we were there? Yes she did. Like I said, there are pages and pages of story here, just too much to share. I know I had acted like an ass to her over her boys, but in the way I handeled it. When you love kids, and you see the issues they have from a father who doesn't care, and a mother with alcohol problem for many years, you can't help but become protective of them. I did. I was always doing the best I could to look out for them. Ultimately any poor behavior I committed was from passion for her kids, and passionate can make you overly emotional in your actions.
Author fucpcg Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Ironically as pointed out, yes actually if you reviewed her behavior the first 2 months this girl could have very justifiably been called abusive alcoholic. After splitting with her I didn't attack her around town, I actually got back together with her. Funyy she should do the opposite. As far as mutual friends, we haven't any. My friends are 40, 50, 60 year old family people. She has some amazing friends as well fitting that description. However her best friends are the ones that she goes out with, and those are mid 20 girls who I never had respect for, as they olny cared about my ex as a drinking buddy. They ALL bash me around town for what I "did" to my ex. My friends think it is not warranted at all. My ex actually made an effort to keep in contact with some of my friends after we split, and I told my friends please be nice to her, she really does need better friends. So they would see her out socially, but then she would go on about how abusive I was, so they quit talking to her.
AlisaMarie Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 It's easy to do that. I don't know why people just cant face what they have and decided they don't want it without dramatizing ridiculous fantasies in their minds. Me and my ex broke up several times. I was not perfect... but gave him perfectness. I only got rude (but spoke the truth) when I felt the need to defend myself and that usually happened when he would end things. Everything he said about me and to me were things that I actually should have been saying to him! I seriously worshiped this person and gave him everything! He still told everyone that I was a psycho b#tch and I never treated him right. (I am seriously the most chill person and completely back off when I am "let go.") During our many breakups he would tell me that I never loved him and he did everything for our relationship. All of which were lies. He didn't do anything for me. The little he did certainly couldn't be amplified. You need to not care what she says, because you know your heart. The world knows your heart. Who cares if she and her friends don't.
betterdeal Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Mate, you had a barny, a row, a tiff, an argument. It's really not a big deal. It happens and it happened for a reason. One that sounds pretty understandable to me. Her decision to drink is her decision. You didn't frog march her down to the bar and make her drink, did you? You didn't spike the OJ, did you? No. It was her decision. Blowing your lid under those circumstances is entirely understandable. Let it go. If you wish, contact people who you know have heard her claims and ask them what they think. Give them your side of the story. But what matters is that *you know* the story from your side and you know you were not abusive as she's been saying. Hold your head up. You did the best you could in the circumstances, plenty better than many others would have, and just the same as plenty more would have. As for the kids, I don't know what advice to give.
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