artemisentreri Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Hi everyone, I'm in a currently hairy situation and I would really appreciate any input about any aspect of this. Here it is: I'm 24 and my current gf and I have been dating for 10 months or so. We live in the same building, go to the same med school, and have been spending nights and much of our free time together. Starting after about 4 months, we've been having these really prolonged arguments about various things. I don't think we've had a single one lasting under 3 hours and some last through the night. They've been getting more and more frequent and it is now at the point where most of the time we spend together is arguing. It started with occasional arguments about her commenting on her weight or on other girls being pretty and me not responding in a way that was appropriate for her. I made those changes and resolved those problems, albeit still imperfectly in her eyes. In the past month, however, we have had major arguments about: my way of handling problems, my motivation for my life goals, the amount of time I spend studying, my sleep schedule, the way I walk, the way I talk ("some of my friends have told me they thought you were gay"), my clothing, how she sees me as being too negative, how I expect too much from her, my dancing, my ice skating, my singing, how I either 1. objectify her or 2. have sex in a way that isn't casual enough, my "self-congratulatory" arrogance, etc etc. She has basically criticized everything about me in these huge arguments. I try to change some of these things but before I can even begin to do that she brings up another one. Then she tells me she doesn't feel that I'm trying or care because she hasn't seen results. I feel like I'm trying to change so much all at once that it's impossible and I shouldn't have to in the first place. She also says I get defensive and dismissive at the start of arguments, and she is at least right about that (it's something else I have been working on). I have never initiated a fight since we started dating and I'm trying not to lose myself or my feelings of self-worth with all these criticisms. Every time I have tried to stand my ground it has blown up in my face. As an example, I told her yesterday she would be happier if she were less judgmental of herself and others and I also told her she comes off as hyper-logical and emotionless when she spends our entire arguments yelling at me and I try to respond calmly for 90% of them. She told me she couldn't believe I said those things, don't understand her, and now I can never take it back. I feel that she's told me so many worse things but is convinced she has done them because "she cares about me." She's also told me I'm the only person she hasn't felt in love with after dating for more than 3-4 months and she doesn't know why. Now she says she has no feelings for me and doesn't know if she can get back to a neutral level. Yesterday we had an argument for something like 8 hours. It started because she came out of the shower and wanted me to hug her and then said she felt fat. I went to kiss her stomach and told her she had an irresistible body and was anything but fat. She got upset because she "didn't feel the feelings I want to feel when my boyfriend kisses me, which I compare to an idealized relationship in my mind." She said she didn't blame me but was upset. Nonetheless, it started a huge argument. Anyways, before I keep rambling, earlier this week she had decided she wanted to take a break several days ago and gone back on it. I fundamentally disagree with breaks because with other girls in the past it was all just an excuse for a breakup. She assured me that she just wanted one for a few days and that in the past breaks like this have made her closer to her boyfriends. After this conversation we had last night, she woke up feeling much differently. She said after a convo like that "you wake up feeling different" and said I had convinced her a break wouldn't work. She said she didn't want to break up with me but didn't see any other choice unless I could provide a better solution. As has always been the case in our relationship, every solution I said wasn't good enough. She even said things like "if you had had more trauma in your childhood, you'd be better equipped to deal with life's problems." So in the end, she took most of her stuff, left, and said 4 days was the maximum amount of time she'd be willing to invest in a break. She told me I should change everything she has been asking me to for months and that at the first slip-up, she's out. To me, this is insensitive and inevitable. When I asked her to change being judgmental and having a baseline level of resentment for me she said "I don't know if I can do that." She also says she cares about me but doesn't have enough respect for me to be attracted to me and therefore doesn't like me. She doesn't think I've resolved a single problem since we started dating. And that was it. There are of course positives that make me want to stay in this relationship but overall this is looking like a disaster. Three of my friends are telling me to leave her. I feel like I've been really mistreated and unappreciated, to put it mildly. On the one hand, I want to change things she is likely right about such as having a knee-jerk defensive reaction to criticism. The truth is that I don't know how to do that. Any input on that would be great because I would really like to be a better person and I feel that would help. On the other hand, I don't know what to do about her. She seems to only miss me when we're apart. I was thinking of telling her in 4 days that I can't be with someone who doesn't like or appreciate me and that she needs to take the time to evaluate her feelings. And that, until any kind of change, we're broken up. If you've made it this far, thoughts? Thanks for the help!
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