Now what?

[4321sn]

So you don't think your kids should lie. You're sorry you're caught up in this web of lies, but the mom should lie to be the better person? Telling the kids that wishes of wanting to make a marriage work isn't beyond their years or inappropriate, it's the truth. They're 14 and 16 not 4 and 6yrs. Oh they now have a burden in their lives, definately not caused by the mom though.

 

She probably feels devasated and had her world turned upside down. So she's HONEST and tells her kids she tried, she's willing to try but daddy doesn't want to, she doesn't know why, he just left and doesn't even want to try. And telling that truth is wrong exactly how? Oh cause he looks like the bad guy, well I guess that's what he gets for lying instead of sitting everyone down and telling the truth.

 

It is difficult because you don't have all the information. I probably don't either but I know A bit more. He did ask her to go to therapy for many years. She said it was his problem. I have heard conversations between the two of them when she has called regarding logistics for the kids. I know he is the one who left and the one who lied but perhaps she has some part in the failure of the marriage. I was miserable in mine for years. I was too scared to leave. I sabotaged it by having an affair.

 

He did try. He stayed for 18 years. Probably about 10 years too long. The way he left and what he did was wrong but the fact that he left is not wrong. She doesn't know what happened. Yes he had an affair but as far as she knows the was just unhappy and wanted a divorce and there is not someone else involved. How would her reaction been different had I not been in the picture?

 

His childrens therapist said that she (their mother) has a problem with boundaries. Kids are not our friends. 14 and 16 year olds should not be burdened with their parents relationship troubles. She has a therapist. She has her family and friends. Yes she can say that she wanted to try and she is very sad but she says things to them on a daily basis...things that he did "wrong in the marriage. I am sorry but I don't think that's okay to do to the children... Just my POV...

Not saying I am parent of the year but I do not think it is appropriate to discuss personal marriage issues with your children. It's not lying, it's just not giving them info that they don't need. The parents relationship is separate from their relationships with their children...

[4321sn]

Now what?

 

Stop abetting the lying. Make your partner stand up and be a man.

 

He did something unhonorable. Everyone will find out sooner or later anyways. Why not just tell the truth?

 

The sooner he tells his kids, the sooner recovery will happen. He and YOU are just putting off the inevitable.

 

Be a good partner. Stand your ground. If you truly love each other, you will be ok. And you can prove yourself as a good partner. Being a good partner doesn't mean agreeing to everything your love does. It means helping them be a

This is a test for BOTH of you. You can come out stronger, but not if you let him lie. Lying is neverending and I know you don't want that.

 

Be strong, be brave and admit wrongdoing. No one's perfect. Time will tell. Don't fear the truth. For the truth will only set you all free....

 

Thank you! I agree. Your post was what I needed to hear. Like a much needed

slap in the face...

[4321sn]

When you have agreed to cheat, you don't just cheat on someone, you cheat on their entire family. Imagine if this happened to you how would you feel? Treat others as how you want to be treated. Don't wait for karma to happen.

 

 

I don't actually believe in Karma. Don't this that's the way the world works.

 

Children who are dying of cancer...what have they done to "deserve" it?

Horrible things happen to people all the time? Is it because they have done bad things?

 

Anyway...off topic just wanted to state that I don't believe if Karma...

[bentnotbroken]

She most certainly contributed to the marital issues. If she is a partner, she had issues that irritated him and he her. Many people stay in bad marriages for a myriad of reasons, but how long he stayed, what her issues are/were, he was miserable, have nothing to do with him continuing to lie to his children now. This is his character flaw. And yes, your view of parenting is one way, apparently the children's mother is another way. Neither appears to be perfect or in the absolute best interest of the children...but it is what it is. You believe your actions as a parent where the right choices for you and your children, and I am sure she believes that her decisions were the right ones for her and her children.

[4321sn]

She most certainly contributed to the marital issues. If she is a partner, she had issues that irritated him and he her. Many people stay in bad marriages for a myriad of reasons, but how long he stayed, what her issues are/were, he was miserable, have nothing to do with him continuing to lie to his children now. This is his character flaw. And yes, your view of parenting is one way, apparently the children's mother is another way. Neither appears to be perfect or in the absolute best interest of the children...but it is what it is. You believe your actions as a parent where the right choices for you and your children, and I am sure she believes that her decisions were the right ones for her and her children.

 

I agree

It is about the lying now. He is so overwhelmed and upset yet he does nothing to change it. I suggested that he at least tell them he's been dating me. Yes they will be upset but how much more upset will they be if they find out he lives with me?

[alexandria35]

Sorry, I can't say I totally agree with this. In my case, I found out as an adult that my mom had had an affair when I was very young. My parents were divorcing by this point and my dad divulged the information.

 

My primary feeling was annoyance with them BOTH for not divorcing then as, in my eyes, it was indicative of the poor relationship that they had.

 

I did not judge my parents solely on their previous behavior but by how they have acted in the recent past and the present. That matters/ed more to me than anything else.

 

So I am someone that found out years later and it wasn't a major deal. I just wish they cut things short back then instead of continuing on with their marriage for decades later.

 

Not comparable. You are talking about an event which happened years ago and that you found out about as an independant adult. This is a situation of ongoing lying. This isn't even entirely about the affair, it's about not even being honest enough to tell your kids the truth about where you freaking live. What makes it worse is that he has his sister also lying to his kids and pretending to them that he lives with her. It's all such a charade. How would you feel if every weekend you went to visit your mother at your aunts house and every weekend the two of them looked you in your face and pretended that your mother lived there when if fact she is living in an entirely different house with an entirely different person.

 

OP you keep telling us how he tried in his marriage and how his BW is now telling the kids inappropriate information about the marriage. This may very well be but I don't understand what that has to do with the ongoing lies and deceit. All this tells me is that his poor kids have two parents that aren't thinking of what is good for them. If his wife is saying things about him to his kids all the more reason for him to be open and honest with them I would think. I mean isn't lying to them just confirming what his wife might be saying about him.

 

There is no rule saying that your kids have to be messed up by this. But this guy moved in with you directly after leaving his marital home. This is a volitile situation and your kids are now involved. As you say, how will your kids ever be able to meet his kids and not spill the beans about how long they have been living with you. In less than one year your kids had to adjust to having their own father leave and then having a stepfather move into the house with them. Thats a lot to put on them and I'm sure they seem fine as kids often do but that doesn't mean it they are unaffected. I can think of plenty of things that my mother did to mess me up but she didn't see it when I was little because was always a good well behaved child. She would always brag about how well adjusted and adaptable I was as she was moving me all over the place and I was sometimes going to as many as 3 different schools in one year. Thats just one example but believe me, well I may have seen happy and well adjusted at the time, I paid the consequences of her parenting later on in my life.

[2sunny]

I agree

It is about the lying now. He is so overwhelmed and upset yet he does nothing to change it. I suggested that he at least tell them he's been dating me. Yes they will be upset but how much more upset will they be if they find out he lives with me?

 

and YOU have chosen a man who lies. it's difficult to see any relationship's good features when there are lies all around...you are feeding an illusion.

 

when a R is based upon lies - you have nothing. yet you still choose this nothing - knowing that he lies.

 

why are you choosing so little for yourself?

[4321sn]

and YOU have chosen a man who lies. it's difficult to see any relationship's good features when there are lies all around...you are feeding an illusion.

 

when a R is based upon lies - you have nothing. yet you still choose this nothing - knowing that he lies.

 

why are you choosing so little for yourself?

 

Because I believe that people can change. I lied. I cheated. I have gone through therapy and realized where I went wrong. He is trying through twice weekly therapy for the last few months. He wants to make this right. Wants to be a good person. He says he never wants to return to this way of living again.

 

He has many qualities that I desperately needed. I love him. He loves me. So we are doing what we can to make this work. We are not looking at this as disposable. We are committed to making this right. We both made many terrible mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we should throw it away so long as we both want to move forward.

[4321sn]

I dont agree that we have "nothing"...

[Got it]

It wasn't a big deal to you because you're not the wife or the husband and you only found out later as an adult.

 

I am sorry but I don't agree. That runs opposite of what others are saying here where the kids are traumatized. And when I said I was an adult, I was still a teenager, so not that much other than the kids here.

[2sunny]

Because I believe that people can change. I lied. I cheated. I have gone through therapy and realized where I went wrong. He is trying through twice weekly therapy for the last few months. He wants to make this right. Wants to be a good person. He says he never wants to return to this way of living again.

 

He has many qualities that I desperately needed. I love him. He loves me. So we are doing what we can to make this work. We are not looking at this as disposable. We are committed to making this right. We both made many terrible mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we should throw it away so long as we both want to move forward.

 

i'm not seeing how he's being honest...

 

you really have nothing - because it's all based on lies.

 

YOU have allowed HIM to make YOU his secret.

 

why do you think so little of yourself - that YOU ALLOW a man to keep you his secret?

 

there's so MANY negative aspects to your R with him - starting fresh with a new man without ANY lies, pretending, cover up, half truth, lying by omission - would be a welcome relief for anyone.

 

you supporting his lies - you are to blame as well - by the way YOU choose to participate and stay involved - i'd RUN = FAST = FAR AWAY!!!

[2sunny]

I dont agree that we have "nothing"...

 

true...

 

you have LIES - and a big fat cover up - that is likely to hurt a lot of people when they find out his truth - his truth that you have been going along with for a while - which is the same thing as him lying.

[Tangerine Lipgloss]

You must insist that he moves out and finds a place where his children can visit and stay over. This is very important. It gives him space to clear his head and deal with the end of his marriage, and it gives his kids a place to spend time with him and get used to the idea of their parents divorcing.

 

You must tell him this, it's on you. You can say it isn't but it IS. Have compassion for his children who are suffering anxiety, anger and who knows what else. Clear your head and do the right thing here.

 

You tell your children that he needs a place where his kids can visit. They will get it. They will enjoy the time with you alone as well.

 

In regard to your relationship, you pull back a bit, give support and go on dates. That's it. Date. Keep it simple until the summer AT LEAST. Everyone needs time here to process their emotions. Focus on your life and your children. Let him focus on himself and his children.

 

There's still a chance that he won't be able to take the loss of his family and he goes back to her.

 

Good luck, I wish everyone well.

[4321sn]

true...

 

you have LIES - and a big fat cover up - that is likely to hurt a lot of people when they find out his truth - his truth that you have been going along with for a while - which is the same thing as him lying.

 

 

I appreciate you taking the time to comment and share you thoughts however I respectfully disagree.

 

I don't need a new man. Or any man for that matter. It's not about needing to be with someone. I want to see this through and see what he does to rectify the situation.

[2sunny]

I appreciate you taking the time to comment and share you thoughts however I respectfully disagree.

 

I don't need a new man. Or any man for that matter. It's not about needing to be with someone. I want to see this through and see what he does to rectify the situation.

 

i never said you need a new man.

 

i said you need to live in truth.

 

yet you live in all these lies.

 

if their is no truth in a relationship - there isn't anything real to work with... no basis which is real to build from.

 

man or no man - stop choosing to live in all these lies.

 

IF it's meant to be - after he works through all his lies - and becomes a man who can be honest - is when you might want to consider rebuilding the relationship - until then, i'd step far away - until he clears all this crap out of his life - so that you two have a chance at starting from a point of truth.

[4321sn]

You must insist that he moves out and finds a place where his children can visit and stay over. This is very important. It gives him space to clear his head and deal with the end of his marriage, and it gives his kids a place to spend time with him and get used to the idea of their parents divorcing.

 

You must tell him this, it's on you. You can say it isn't but it IS. Have compassion for his children who are suffering anxiety, anger and who knows what else. Clear your head and do the right thing here.

 

You tell your children that he needs a place where his kids can visit. They will get it. They will enjoy the time with you alone as well.

 

In regard to your relationship, you pull back a bit, give support and go on dates. That's it. Date. Keep it simple until the summer AT LEAST. Everyone needs time here to process their emotions. Focus on your life and your children. Let him focus on himself and his children.

 

There's still a chance that he won't be able to take the loss of his family and he goes back to her.

 

Good luck, I wish everyone well.

 

He won't go back to her. I can say this with 100% certainty. The relationship is way beyond repair. I have asked him that before and he says "well would you go back to your ex?"

 

I don't know how we can go backwards. Yes I agree with what you are saying but I don't know. That is better than him telling them about me? Maybe he can move in with his sister and stay with me a couple of days a week, rather than totally moving out. That might be a better idea. Stay with his sister 5 nights a week and stay here 2. Tell his kids that he has been dating someone and go from there?

[2sunny]

He won't go back to her. I can say this with 100% certainty. The relationship is way beyond repair. I have asked him that before and he says "well would you go back to your ex?"

 

I don't know how we can go backwards. Yes I agree with what you are saying but I don't know. That is better than him telling them about me? Maybe he can move in with his sister and stay with me a couple of days a week, rather than totally moving out. That might be a better idea. Stay with his sister 5 nights a week and stay here 2. Tell his kids that he has been dating someone and go from there?

 

why are you afraid of him moving out and staying away from you?

 

he's a grown man with kids - and should be capable of providing them with there own home = there own space and safe place. why isn't he DOING that?

 

he should stay away for a while - he needs to stop lying - stop saying he doesn't live with you when he does live with you. YOU are participating in the lie too. have him move - so the lie stops too.

[4321sn]

"there's so MANY negative aspects to your R with him - starting fresh with a new man without ANY lies, pretending, cover up, half truth, lying by omission - would be a welcome relief for anyone."

 

That's where I got the new man comment from. Maybe I misunderstood your meaning?

[4321sn]

why are you afraid of him moving out and staying away from you?

 

he's a grown man with kids - and should be capable of providing them with there own home = there own space and safe place. why isn't he DOING that?

 

he should stay away for a while - he needs to stop lying - stop saying he doesn't live with you when he does live with you. YOU are participating in the lie too. have him move - so the lie stops too.

 

He does live with me. I never said he didn't. I'm not afraid of anything. We love each other and don't want to be apart. I am having a very difficult time understanding why it would be a problem for him to stay over my house that's what we both want. If he tells them we are dating why couldn't he be spending time with me in my house.

 

I just don't get it...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If his kids find out that he is playing "daddy" to someone else's kids they will feel as betrayed beyond belief. And rightfully so under the circumstances. Can you imagine the damage that will do to them? It doesn't sound like anyone, including him cares more about them than their own self interest.

 

He's playing with fire. It won't be long until someone figures out where he's living and if you feel his W is already undermining him then you haven't seen anything yet. It would be wise for him to move out until things are settled and their relationships are re-established.

[4321sn]

Anyway- we will talk tonight. If he doesn't tell them the lie is still there, isn't it? Maybe he needs to come clean. Idk...

[2sunny]

best thing is to stop supporting his lies.

 

tell him to move (so he doesn't need to lie about that anymore).

tell him you will date him when his divorce is final (so you don't continue being his secret anymore.

 

that is what living in truth looks like. you have choices- but you have chosen to live the lie... and participate in his lies. YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!

 

if you two are meant to be together - and be together in an honest fashion - he WILL get divorced... then there is no longer the lies!

[Got it]

4321 - you cannot control his behavior or his choices. You have to focus on yours and the things you can control. I am not sure how much value your thread has brought to you but hopefully it does give you food for thought.

 

What you need to figure out, if you are at all unhappy with your current situation (which I am assuming you are) is to implement changes that will help with that.

 

What is it that you want or need to meet your needs? What is it that you want or need to meet your kids needs? What can you do to make that achieveable?

 

His divorce and issues are his baby to rock, not yours, and you need to focus where you have the ability to make change. I think space is good because it also gets you out of the middle of his situation and allows you some breathing room. If you choose not to, then you need to look at what boundaries that you need in place to best suit you and your kids' needs. You need to be your and your kids' best advocate.

 

So what do you want changed and what do you have the power to do to implement said changes?

[jwi71]

I don't get you 4321.

 

YOU started this thread based on YOUR negative reactions to his lying. And you do NOTHING about it. Look, you CAN'T make him tell the truth. And he CLEARLY doesn't want to - for all the reasons some of us have been telling you (his kids).

 

Except this isn't about honesty here, never was.

 

You want to be known and public. You want to be the GF and not the dirty little secret.

 

Well, to be blunt, he prefers you as the dirty little secret. He must - HE CHOOSES IT. All he has to do is be honest, tell why he left, tell he's with you and introduce you to his family. He isn't though. Instead, he concocts and recruits you and others into elaborate schemes to lie to his W and kids. And you play along. Sure you do...I don't see YOU telling the truth. I don't see YOU making changes. And every day, every lie, makes it all the more painful for YOU and makes the revelation all the more painful. Waiting only makes it worse.

 

Do YOU want to hurt (because of his lies) or do you want THEM to hurt (because of his lies)? Choose...who gets to hurt?

 

If you choose to continue to participate in this web of lies, you are choosing yourself to hurt - and deal with it. Not sure what to say if YOU wont make changes for yourself.

 

If you choose to make changes, kick him out and DEMAND to be the open and public GF. Its what you want and deserve - so get it.

 

Except it was a trick question.

 

The real answer is EVERYONE gets to hurt because of his lies.

 

I'd kick him out and reset. Demand that he acknowledge you to his "world". Demand openness and honesty. Demand an end to his constant and habitual(?) lying. Then buy him a freakin' spine and start dating.

[4321sn]

4321 - you cannot control his behavior or his choices. You have to focus on yours and the things you can control. I am not sure how much value your thread has brought to you but hopefully it does give you food for thought.

 

What you need to figure out, if you are at all unhappy with your current situation (which I am assuming you are) is to implement changes that will help with that.

 

What is it that you want or need to meet your needs? What is it that you want or need to meet your kids needs? What can you do to make that achieveable?

 

His divorce and issues are his baby to rock, not yours, and you need to focus where you have the ability to make change. I think space is good because it also gets you out of the middle of his situation and allows you some breathing room. If you choose not to, then you need to look at what boundaries that you need in place to best suit you and your kids' needs. You need to be your and your kids' best advocate.

 

So what do you want changed and what do you have the power to do to implement said changes?

Thanks Got It you have given me some very important things to think about.

I don't think I need to kick him out just yet. I think if he doesn't begin to make changes now, then I will have no choice. We need to have a discussion tonight and make some decisions.

 

I am not miserable. I dont feel like he wants to keep me a secret. I am concerned about the fallout which is sure to come unless he tells. What do I want changed? I want him to at least tell his children that he is dating me. I dont want to meet them right now but I think that telling them that I exist is a step in the right direction.

 

I am afraid that this will all blow up if something is not done soon. I have gone along with it but the longer it goes on the more lies and the worse it is. I think there is pretty much now way around it. The kids will figure it out that he has at least been with me since the summer.

 

I'll update later or tomorrow after we talk.