Husband cheated on me 10wks after wedding & left me when I found out

October 30, 2011

10 weeks after our wedding my husband went away with a friend (on his last day in work after redundancy), drank himself into oblivion and cheated on me with another girl. He was away for 3 nights and cheated every night with the same girl. She knew he was married from the beginning but obviously did not care. He did not feel bad about it at the time and wanted to do it again and again. He even arranged to go down and visit her in a hotel 2 weeks later, taking her out to the cinema, and for a meal and drinks before whatever they did back at the hotel. He told me he was visiting his friend, and asked me not to disturb him that day because they had personal things to discuss.

After his infidelity, the way he treated me was disgusting - he was snappy, defensive, argumentative and showed no love/affection of any kind shown towards me. He also seemed to be avoiding me in our own home by either rushing round "getting things done" or spending all his time on the computer upstairs. When I questioned him or got upset with his behaviour, he turned the situation round on me, saying he was upset over losing his job and I was not being supportive. He told me he needed space and he was acting this way because I did not give it to him.

I did not suspect anything until I overheard a very suspicious telephone conversation between him and his friend a week later. They were talking in code, but it was obvious they were talking about their cheating. I confronted my husband afterwards and he went crazy on me, denying everything and saying how disgusted in me he was for accusing him of cheating. He came up with explanations for what I had overheard, and although they didn't quite fit I accepted them because I didn't want to believe he had cheated. However the nagging feeling in my stomach was too much, so I hacked into his computer and found conversations with the girl he had cheated with, telling her how he didn't regret it, how he missed her, how he wished they had met 6-12 months before our wedding... I felt sick, I was not expecting to find anything more than evidence of a drunken kiss he'd regretted.

When I confronted my husband, he said "sorry for the hurt I have caused" and hid away at his parent's for 3 days. It was the worst time of my life, waiting and not knowing what was going to happen. He eventually came back to me, with the decision that he wanted to end our relationship. I was devastated.

He told me his decision was nothing to do with the cheating, but the cheating was a result of how he was feeling. He said he hadn't been happy for a long time, and being with this girl made him realise he could be happy without me. He said he could have some kind of life with me, but would only be moderately happy. He said he did not want to work hard just to be moderately happy.

We have had problems in our 10 years together, and my husband believed we could get over these by addressing certain issues. Every issue was addressed but the fact we were not married. After our wedding we had a couple of bad arguments, which I put down to post-wedding blues. We had some great times too, which he does not seem to remember. Because of the post-wedding arguments, he began to feel that it was not working. Soon after he received the news that he was losing his job, which hit him hard. Then came the trip away and the cheating.

He also came up with 5 points why we could not be together:

1. He can never see himself having children with me.

This has been a sore point in the relationship for a long time. I wanted children in the next 2-3 years and he wanted to wait 3-4 (sometimes said 4-5). I was prepared to wait but I admit I did make his life miserable over the issue. After being married I felt an immense pressure from other people to have kids, and I made him feel guilty about it. Before we married, he did not tell me he never wanted to have children with me.

2. He hates how he becomes around me.

When we argue he swears, punches things and gets really aggressive and intimidating. He doesn’t physically hurt me but I do feel scared. He shouts over me, not letting me get my point across. He slams doors and if I cry he ignores me and says "what now?" in an aggressive tone.

3. We are not a good match for each other.

He believes we want different things, have different interests, and when we go out for a coffee or a meal we do not talk. I believe we do have many shared interests (music, comedy, film) and I agree we don't have much to say to each other but that is expected when you see the same person every day.

4. He needs to travel

He has always said he would love to go travelling for a year. I said I would only do this if my own job was in trouble as I don't want to give up my career and come back to nothing. Now he is saying he NEEDS to travel to get it out of his system. Again he was not this clear before the wedding.

5. He doesn't think we can be happy together

We have had many problems, many bad arguments, but whilst I thought we could work through them, my husband has been bothered by them. He had mentioned this to me but I did not think he wanted to end our marriage over them. If I had known I would have suggested counselling or something.

No matter how he explains the situation and how he is feeling, I just cannot get my head around it. I cannot believe he would stand there and say those vows, only to break them 10 weeks later. I honestly believe he has made a huge mistake, that the stress of the wedding followed by his job-loss has sent him into self-destruct mode, but no matter what I say to him he is adamant he cannot be happy with me. He said the wedding was the happiest day of his life, and he meant the vows, but I just don't understand how he could give up on our marriage after just 3 months. In the 10 years we have been together he has not once cheated or even been tempted, so I cannot understand or accept his reasons for cheating so soon after the wedding.

I honestly don't know if our marriage could work after what has happened, however I am willing to give it a try. Not because I am a push-over, but because I do not want to give up on a marriage after 3 months. If we try our best to work things out and it fails, then at least I can look back and say we tried. At least I will regain some control of the situation, and some closure. I loved being married to him and I believe with all the distractions we did not even get to enjoy being married. It is breaking my heart thinking "what if", and I can't move on with these constant thoughts going through my head.

I am going through absolute hell. I am not eating, not sleeping, I can't stop crying, I have lost weight I didn't have to lose, and I am so angry and frustrated. I feel I have no control whatsoever of the situation. I am the one who has been hurt and cheated on, but I am the one who wants to make the marriage work. He is not interested at all and it is killing me. I can't deal with losing my husband, my best friend, and my future all at once. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I would appreciate any advice/thoughts on this matter. I know to outsiders it may look obvious that I have to move on with my life and find someone who deserves me, but being the one this has happened to it is not that simple. I still love my husband regardless of what he has done, and I want to work things out. However he is not willing to even try.

October 30, 2011

I still love my husband regardless of what he has done, and I want to work things out. However he is not willing to even try.

You can't force someone who isn't willing to try. Just because you are committed doesn't mean he should and he has already told you he has no intention of trying.

I am sorry you are hurting and want to hold on, but there doesn't seem to be much reason to, does there? What are you holding on to? Only what you create and manifest. He has already given you his answer and the best thing you can do is start the divorce proceedings and find a man who will deserve you.

October 30, 2011

He's merely avoiding confrontation, and that's why he's pushing for D rather than address his cheating. He's probably one of those people who only want to reconcile if it comes easy to them. Forgive and forget, fast, and never mention the problem again. After all, it was your fault anyways. He was unhappy in the R and that's why he did it. This simple explanation must be enough, and the whole thing can be forgotten.

Just curious: What did he tell his parents? Are they supportive? Have you talked to them at all?

I'm sure the fact that he has never cheated before (or so you think) means nothing and says nothing about his character. He's shown you that he's capable of doing it with no remorse. He just didn't do it for lack of options.

IF you want to stay M, make it really easy for him. But I guarantee you that this won't satisfy you and you will build up a ton of resentment in the process. In the long run, you won't be able to forgive and forget, if nothing has been addressed and worked through. And that would be HIS job, for the most part. And he doesn't seem strong enough to face his own demons. He's a runner and tells himself and the world that he's always been unhappy. This way, the problem is no longer his, it's been created due to the circumstances that he can't control. The blame is not on him and that's all he wants and believes.

October 30, 2011

That you've been together "10 years" makes the 10 weeks since your wedding not such a shocker.

What I can't understand is why you weren't gone by the time he came back from his parents', and why you didn't previously "know what was going to happen" (for your having determined it before he was given a chance to do so).

Some stories are sad and compassion-inducing and other tales just demand that the one telling them should be running far and fast.

October 30, 2011

He's merely avoiding confrontation, and that's why he's pushing for D rather than address his cheating. He's probably one of those people who only want to reconcile if it comes easy to them. Forgive and forget, fast, and never mention the problem again. After all, it was your fault anyways. He was unhappy in the R and that's why he did it. This simple explanation must be enough, and the whole thing can be forgotten.

Just curious: What did he tell his parents? Are they supportive? Have you talked to them at all?

I'm sure the fact that he has never cheated before (or so you think) means nothing and says nothing about his character. He's shown you that he's capable of doing it with no remorse. He just didn't do it for lack of options.

IF you want to stay M, make it really easy for him. But I guarantee you that this won't satisfy you and you will build up a ton of resentment in the process. In the long run, you won't be able to forgive and forget, if nothing has been addressed and worked through. And that would be HIS job, for the most part. And he doesn't seem strong enough to face his own demons. He's a runner and tells himself and the world that he's always been unhappy. This way, the problem is no longer his, it's been created due to the circumstances that he can't control. The blame is not on him and that's all he wants and believes.

He sat his parents down and told them everything. They were supportive towards him and told them they wanted him to be happy. I have spoken to the myself and all they will say is "we are not taking sides" and "you need to work it out between yourselves". I wasn't expecting them to turn their backs on him but I kind of feel like they don't care how I am feeling

One thing we all agree on is that we need counselling. My husband has arranged for us both to speak to someone, but it's not so we can reconcile our differences but to deal with our feelings about what has happened.

October 30, 2011

Look up the steps on doing a "180." Long story short, you can't be desperate. Strength from you is needed (both for you and to make you more attractive). Maybe I missed it...does his OW have a husband? If so, he deserves to know and this one step is your best chance to end the affair. This is not hopeless; it many times takes a while for the wayward spouse to come out of the fog that they're in. The fact is that you don't have to make a quick decision or be a pushover.

October 30, 2011

Look up the steps on doing a "180." Long story short, you can't be desperate. Strength from you is needed (both for you and to make you more attractive). Maybe I missed it...does his OW have a husband? If so, he deserves to know and this one step is your best chance to end the affair. This is not hopeless; it many times takes a while for the wayward spouse to come out of the fog that they're in. The fact is that you don't have to make a quick decision or be a pushover.

I know what I need to do, my heart is telling me not to give up though, it's so hard. No the girl is single and 22years old (I am 28)

October 30, 2011

Look up the steps on doing a "180." Long story short, you can't be desperate. Strength from you is needed (both for you and to make you more attractive). Maybe I missed it...does his OW have a husband? If so, he deserves to know and this one step is your best chance to end the affair. This is not hopeless; it many times takes a while for the wayward spouse to come out of the fog that they're in. The fact is that you don't have to make a quick decision or be a pushover.

I know what I need to do, my heart is telling me not to give up though, it's so hard. No the girl is single and 22years old (I am 28)

I think it is really dangerous for you to be thinking this guy is in any type of fog that he will snap out of.

He has said he doesn't want children with you, do you think that is likely to change given that he has NEVER been on the same page with you regarding the timing of children? Believe what he is telling you now.

He has anger issues if he is acting intimidating and punching things and making you afraid (why would you want to add children to this already volatile mix?) This is not likely to change. It is not your fault he is this way, but it seems that he thinks it is YOU and his relationship with you that causes him to act out. The fact that he can't take responsibility for his own behavior is troubling. He will not change this behavior because he thinks it is all your fault.

Regardless of what you think about his state of mind, at this point all you can do is order your life as if you accept everything that he is saying about his feelings is true. Don't try to talk him out of it. Don't try to show him how he really feels. Don't try to save the marriage. There is nothing you could say that has any chance at bringing him back in a healthy way.

If on the other hand he decides on his own that he wants you and the marriage then he can do the work necessary to get you back. In the meantime you move on with your life. I know it is hard. I know it hurts. But for the sake of your own sanity and self esteem, letting go is your best option.

Good Luck

October 30, 2011

I don't want to hurt you but you may have to face the possiblity that your husband is not in love with you. He has probably told his parents this and they don't know what to do or say so they suggest staying out of it, which is smart. I don't think doing what you have been doing is working either and you really need to leave him and let him see what life would be without you. Maybe he will get some clarity and realize you are the love of his life and come back to you with a different attitude.

Did he pursue you to get married or did you pursue him? I'm just wondering why he would cheat after just 10 weeks of marriage. I'm wondering if he even wanted to get married in the first place.

October 31, 2011

I know you're hurting and what he's done has broken your heart, ruined what you thought was a new life with someone you love and build a life with. The thing is, as much as you love him, want to forgive him, work through this and have him back, that's not going to happen. When one person wants out, has made the decision it's over, there's nothing you can do to change their mind.

Whatever his reasons are, are valid to him.

I am sorry you're hurting and he's a total d,ickscumbag to do this to you.. But, is it possible that this is who he was, even before you married him but he either hide this scummy side of him or you missed a red flag?

Get counselling to help you cope, process the pain in a healthy way so you can heal and move on.

October 31, 2011

When we argue he swears, punches things and gets really aggressive and intimidating. He doesn’t physically hurt me but I do feel scared. He shouts over me, not letting me get my point across. He slams doors and if I cry he ignores me and says "what now?" in an aggressive tone.

Treating you like that and scaring you is manipulative at best and abusive at worst -- if you respect yourself -- you'll not put up with it.

October 31, 2011

10 weeks after our wedding my husband went away with a friend (on his last day in work after redundancy), drank himself into oblivion and cheated on me with another girl. He was away for 3 nights and cheated every night with the same girl. She knew he was married from the beginning but obviously did not care. He did not feel bad about it at the time and wanted to do it again and again. He even arranged to go down and visit her in a hotel 2 weeks later, taking her out to the cinema, and for a meal and drinks before whatever they did back at the hotel. He told me he was visiting his friend, and asked me not to disturb him that day because they had personal things to discuss.

After his infidelity, the way he treated me was disgusting - he was snappy, defensive, argumentative and showed no love/affection of any kind shown towards me. He also seemed to be avoiding me in our own home by either rushing round "getting things done" or spending all his time on the computer upstairs. When I questioned him or got upset with his behaviour, he turned the situation round on me, saying he was upset over losing his job and I was not being supportive. He told me he needed space and he was acting this way because I did not give it to him.

I did not suspect anything until I overheard a very suspicious telephone conversation between him and his friend a week later. They were talking in code, but it was obvious they were talking about their cheating. I confronted my husband afterwards and he went crazy on me, denying everything and saying how disgusted in me he was for accusing him of cheating. He came up with explanations for what I had overheard, and although they didn't quite fit I accepted them because I didn't want to believe he had cheated. However the nagging feeling in my stomach was too much, so I hacked into his computer and found conversations with the girl he had cheated with, telling her how he didn't regret it, how he missed her, how he wished they had met 6-12 months before our wedding... I felt sick, I was not expecting to find anything more than evidence of a drunken kiss he'd regretted.

When I confronted my husband, he said "sorry for the hurt I have caused" and hid away at his parent's for 3 days. It was the worst time of my life, waiting and not knowing what was going to happen. He eventually came back to me, with the decision that he wanted to end our relationship. I was devastated.

He told me his decision was nothing to do with the cheating, but the cheating was a result of how he was feeling. He said he hadn't been happy for a long time, and being with this girl made him realise he could be happy without me. He said he could have some kind of life with me, but would only be moderately happy. He said he did not want to work hard just to be moderately happy.

We have had problems in our 10 years together, and my husband believed we could get over these by addressing certain issues. Every issue was addressed but the fact we were not married. After our wedding we had a couple of bad arguments, which I put down to post-wedding blues. We had some great times too, which he does not seem to remember. Because of the post-wedding arguments, he began to feel that it was not working. Soon after he received the news that he was losing his job, which hit him hard. Then came the trip away and the cheating.

He also came up with 5 points why we could not be together:

1. He can never see himself having children with me.

This has been a sore point in the relationship for a long time. I wanted children in the next 2-3 years and he wanted to wait 3-4 (sometimes said 4-5). I was prepared to wait but I admit I did make his life miserable over the issue. After being married I felt an immense pressure from other people to have kids, and I made him feel guilty about it. Before we married, he did not tell me he never wanted to have children with me.

2. He hates how he becomes around me.

When we argue he swears, punches things and gets really aggressive and intimidating. He doesn’t physically hurt me but I do feel scared. He shouts over me, not letting me get my point across. He slams doors and if I cry he ignores me and says "what now?" in an aggressive tone.

3. We are not a good match for each other.

He believes we want different things, have different interests, and when we go out for a coffee or a meal we do not talk. I believe we do have many shared interests (music, comedy, film) and I agree we don't have much to say to each other but that is expected when you see the same person every day.

4. He needs to travel

He has always said he would love to go travelling for a year. I said I would only do this if my own job was in trouble as I don't want to give up my career and come back to nothing. Now he is saying he NEEDS to travel to get it out of his system. Again he was not this clear before the wedding.

5. He doesn't think we can be happy together

We have had many problems, many bad arguments, but whilst I thought we could work through them, my husband has been bothered by them. He had mentioned this to me but I did not think he wanted to end our marriage over them. If I had known I would have suggested counselling or something.

No matter how he explains the situation and how he is feeling, I just cannot get my head around it. I cannot believe he would stand there and say those vows, only to break them 10 weeks later. I honestly believe he has made a huge mistake, that the stress of the wedding followed by his job-loss has sent him into self-destruct mode, but no matter what I say to him he is adamant he cannot be happy with me. He said the wedding was the happiest day of his life, and he meant the vows, but I just don't understand how he could give up on our marriage after just 3 months. In the 10 years we have been together he has not once cheated or even been tempted, so I cannot understand or accept his reasons for cheating so soon after the wedding.

I honestly don't know if our marriage could work after what has happened, however I am willing to give it a try. Not because I am a push-over, but because I do not want to give up on a marriage after 3 months. If we try our best to work things out and it fails, then at least I can look back and say we tried. At least I will regain some control of the situation, and some closure. I loved being married to him and I believe with all the distractions we did not even get to enjoy being married. It is breaking my heart thinking "what if", and I can't move on with these constant thoughts going through my head.

I am going through absolute hell. I am not eating, not sleeping, I can't stop crying, I have lost weight I didn't have to lose, and I am so angry and frustrated. I feel I have no control whatsoever of the situation. I am the one who has been hurt and cheated on, but I am the one who wants to make the marriage work. He is not interested at all and it is killing me. I can't deal with losing my husband, my best friend, and my future all at once. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

I would appreciate any advice/thoughts on this matter. I know to outsiders it may look obvious that I have to move on with my life and find someone who deserves me, but being the one this has happened to it is not that simple. I still love my husband regardless of what he has done, and I want to work things out. However he is not willing to even try.

Hi Victoria,

What a mess!! And to think you just married. It would have been much easier had this happened say, a week before the wedding. I feel for you. I haven't gone through something like this and hope to never have to.

It is understandable that you want to try to save your M. You can't believe that someone can be so reckless and unfeeling. You think he's making a mistake. You mentioned that he lost his job. This could be a contributing factor. In fact, I suspect that it triggered his going off the bend like that. I keep reading about something called 180. Sounds effective. Look into that and take the steps it advises.

My personal view is that your H has anger issues based on "how he becomes with you". A violent man? This I have had experience with. It starts with punching the wall, throwing stuff around, shouting at you and menacing body language. The fear it generates ensures you leave him alone. That is until you stop being scared and yell back. You will not see it coming - the progression from punching a wall to punching you. But it will come. He's already showing signs of an abuser. He blames you for making him violent. That's a classic sign. I'm sure some person would suggest IC to deal with this issue but let me advise you thus: the only thing that can stop and abuser from abusing is if there is no victim. By this, I mean that you have to leave him because in his eyes, you are vulnerable. You have already accepted some of his behaviour and will continue to do so. The only other way is if you get some martial arts training and beat him down when he tries to hit you. If you can do this, he'll never do it again. Those two options are the only things that abusers understand. I doubt that in the last ten years his anger issues began 10 weeks ago.

The rest of his behaviour is standard cheater stuff - gas lighting. Read more threads and you'll see that someone somewhere seems to have taught cheaters exactly how to try to maneuver when caught. I wonder though, if he'd done all this just before your wedding, would you have still wanted to go ahead?

October 31, 2011

Hi Victoria. A couple of things stand out to me. You are 28 which is of course an adult but still young. You started this R at 18 which is very young. I wonder if you are still having an 18 yr old's romantic thoughts about this man as this is where you started with him, and he's used intimidation tactics with you (maybe from the beginning?)

Those tactics could stunt a person's emotional growth in ways. When I was 17, I was sure a great-kissing pot-head with no amibition was my dream man. Thank Heavens, he was to much of a stud to stick with me, or any of the others that felt that way back then. Hopefully he did get himself together but early on I knew of at least 3 terms in jail before he was 24. He did get 1 girl pregnant then & word was he offered nothing. Between jail terms holding even the most unglamorous jobs didn't come easy for him.

When I think of myself back then, if he stuck around I just may have put up with issues even for 10 yrs to marry him if I didn't have the chance to experience people & things so much better. I see so many ways I would have kept the 17 yr old mind just to be chosen by the jobless outlaw wonder. To lighten the post, in my defense he was very cute, and did I mention a great kisser

I am very sorry things went this way for you. I'm glad you are still young with so many choices. There may be redeeming things about him we readers don't know like you & he may even be sorry and do better. No matter how it feels now, you really will be ok with or without him. I wish you the best.

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Husband cheated on me 10wks after wedding & left me when I found out

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