jobaba Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I'm really bad at doing nothing... I'm thinking of sending him an email basically saying that I still have feelings for him and even though I value his friendship, I cannot be the one to initiate our contact anymore. Let him know that I'm not throwing the friendship away, but I can't invite him to group gatherings, send him the first text, etc. He's welcome to contact me, but I can't chase him anymore. I like to think of this as total honesty, but I'm wondering if it would come across as passive aggressive. I guess I could just stop my contact, but I feel like I somehow need to give an explanation as to why that's happening. Disclaimer: I know I'm overthinking this. I know I've gone back and forth in how to handle the situation. I may or may not take your advice. I just need a sounding board and some different perspectives. I have the best advice for you that anybody could give you right now. Find another man to date. Right now.
Author JM89 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I have the best advice for you that anybody could give you right now. Find another man to date. Right now. There are none. I am in a female dominated profession. I work 12 hour days. I don't have friends in town and am not outgoing enough to go out by myself. I should also point out that I have never been in a relationship. I have only gone out on dates with men who were already my friends. I admittedly have no clue what I am doing when it comes to dating.
norajane Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I'm really bad at doing nothing... I'm thinking of sending him an email basically saying that I still have feelings for him and even though I value his friendship, I cannot be the one to initiate our contact anymore. Let him know that I'm not throwing the friendship away, but I can't invite him to group gatherings, send him the first text, etc. He's welcome to contact me, but I can't chase him anymore. I like to think of this as total honesty, but I'm wondering if it would come across as passive aggressive. I guess I could just stop my contact, but I feel like I somehow need to give an explanation as to why that's happening. Disclaimer: I know I'm overthinking this. I know I've gone back and forth in how to handle the situation. I may or may not take your advice. I just need a sounding board and some different perspectives. That's why I suggested that you get out and try something new...overthinking is unproductive and starts to take over everything else. You planted the seed. Now leave it alone and see if anything grows. In the meantime, this is excellent advice: I have the best advice for you that anybody could give you right now. Find another man to date. Right now.
jobaba Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 There are none. I am in a female dominated profession. I work 12 hour days. I don't have friends in town and am not outgoing enough to go out by myself. I should also point out that I have never been in a relationship. I have only gone out on dates with men who were already my friends. I admittedly have no clue what I am doing when it comes to dating. You'd be surprised how much rejection emboldens you. Since you have already been rejected recently you have nothing to lose. Talk to friendly looking men in SAFE public places. I know you are probably a nurse or something, but think about that one single guy at work that you weren't thinking of and talk to him. Match.com. PM some of the lonelier guys from this forum and find out if they live close to you. They're nice guys. I'm serious. What do you have to lose? Take classes or volunteer. You can wallow in the sorrow of your recent rejection and keep sending passive aggressive messages to that guy, all of which is going to just keep you thinking he's gonna come around any moment. Or you can get mad and motivated and use that energy to smash your inhibitions and delve into dating avenues you've never considered before. Believe when I say I know...
Author JM89 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 You'd be surprised how much rejection emboldens you. Since you have already been rejected recently you have nothing to lose. Talk to friendly looking men in SAFE public places. I know you are probably a nurse or something, but think about that one single guy at work that you weren't thinking of and talk to him. Match.com. PM some of the lonelier guys from this forum and find out if they live close to you. They're nice guys. I'm serious. What do you have to lose? Take classes or volunteer. You can wallow in the sorrow of your recent rejection and keep sending passive aggressive messages to that guy, all of which is going to just keep you thinking he's gonna come around any moment. Or you can get mad and motivated and use that energy to smash your inhibitions and delve into dating avenues you've never considered before. Believe when I say I know... You underestimate my female dominated profession. There are 3 men in my workplace, all married and all over the age of 40. I will not use online dating services on approach men online. There's too much risk and too many crazies out there. I am very wary of "meeting" a person online when they can present themselves much differently than they are in person. I am looking for ways to get past this without jumping in to dating someone else. I think it's possible to get over someone without an immediate replacement. Since I've never been in a relationship or really even dated, you have to understand that I can't just go out and find a guy and hit it off and be done with it.
snowflakes88 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) You'll probably just snap at me like you did at others earlier in the thread, but I really don't think you're interested in advice unless it supports what you already plan to do. If you're set on sending the email, go ahead. But realistically - if he rejects you again and it truly is impossible to avoid him due to mutual friends, will you still be okay hanging out with your friends (collectively) in the future? And if he gives you another gentle letdown, are you prepared to take that as a final "no"? Edited November 7, 2011 by snowflakes88
Ilovewater Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I agree with the other posters. I don't know what your email will even accomplish. He already knows that you're interested in him. If he were interested in you, he'd be chasing you already knowing that he already has the green light from you. Men WILL chase the women they're interested in. His feelings are not going to change because of one email. Then, it'll be even more awkward between you and him. If you are a good friend, just let it be and try not to make the situation even more difficult. I understand it's hard to like someone who doesn't feel the same way and to let the feelings go. However, it's probably also hard for him to handle unwanted feelings from a close friend whom he doesn't want to hurt...again. You'll just put both of you guys into an unnecessary difficult position. Also, I have seen this play out in real life, and it was such a big awkward mess because my friend had absolutely no interest in dating the girl. He was fine with her first confession because he appreciated her honesty. However, the second confession made him avoid her every time they ran into each other.
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