I wanted more, he didn't. But what about now??

[JM89]

I met R, a friend of a friend, about a year ago. After he had hung out with my group of friends a few times, I developed feelings for him. We became better friends, but not super close or anything. He's very shy and quiet, so I knew if I wanted anything to happen, I'd have to initiate. I asked him to dinner a few times, just the two of us, and we went and had great conversation. It was casual, with split checks, and probably could be seen as two friends of opposite sexes just grabbing a bite to eat.

 

Six months ago, I confessed my feelings to him. After a couple of awkward weeks acting like everything was normal, he finally told me that after a lot of thought, he thought we should just be friends. He never told me if he had feelings for me or not, just that he didn't think dating would be a good idea.

 

He moved and I hadn't seen him for several months until he came back for a visit a few weeks ago. I thought I was on my way to getting over him, but when I saw him again, all of that went out the window. Everything was the same as it had been before he moved; I felt comfortable around him and we caught up on life and all was good. But now that he's gone again, I can't help but have this nagging feeling that I should tell him that I still feel the same way. I feel like I didn't get closure on the situation because he never actually said that he didn't have feelings for me. It may be crazy, but I'm holding onto this hope that it was just bad timing and that we'll get together eventually.

 

So, what do I do? I don't think I'll get over them as long as we are still friends, but we've gotten close enough that I really don't think I could cut off contact with him. Do I tell him that I'm still wrestling with my feelings for him and ask him exactly how he feels about me? Or do I just keep pretending that we're fine, bottle it up, and continue with the futile effort of moving on?

[ptp]

I was in a similar situation years ago with a girl. After much agonizing analysis and soul searching the answer I came to is:

 

This type of situation is a binary situation.

Either the girl wants to date me or she doesn't the rest is irrelevant.

 

Whether she has feelings for me doesn't matter because, at the end of the day she is choosing not to be with me and that is it. That is all the closure I needed. No excuses, no more rationalization on my part. When I make my intentions clear and the answer is no, then the matter is closed.

 

By confessing your feelings for him, it isn't going to change his mind about you. You can't make someone like you.

 

IMO it is best to completely cut of contact..that is the only way for the feelings to die so you can move on.

[JM89]

 

This type of situation is a binary situation.

Either the girl wants to date me or she doesn't the rest is irrelevant.

 

Whether she has feelings for me doesn't matter because, at the end of the day she is choosing not to be with me and that is it. That is all the closure I needed. No excuses, no more rationalization on my part. When I make my intentions clear and the answer is no, then the matter is closed.

 

By confessing your feelings for him, it isn't going to change his mind about you. You can't make someone like you.

 

IMO it is best to completely cut of contact..that is the only way for the feelings to die so you can move on.

 

Completely cutting contact isn't really possible...he's still part of my core group of friends, so whenever we get together, he's there. And I hate to lose a friendship over this.

What you said makes complete sense logically...I guess I'm just such a romantic that I want to believe that "I think we should just be friends right now" actually means that something could happen down the road. Even if it's not fair for me to be waiting around. I regret the fact that we didn't talk more about this months ago when it was happening. He only said a total of probably two sentences on the topic, the rest was me babbling about my feelings. I guess I just keep wondering what he was/is really thinking and feeling. Like you said, that shouldn't matter...but somehow it still does.

[ptp]

Completely cutting contact isn't really possible...he's still part of my core group of friends, so whenever we get together, he's there. And I hate to lose a friendship over this.

What you said makes complete sense logically...I guess I'm just such a romantic that I want to believe that "I think we should just be friends right now" actually means that something could happen down the road. Even if it's not fair for me to be waiting around. I regret the fact that we didn't talk more about this months ago when it was happening. He only said a total of probably two sentences on the topic, the rest was me babbling about my feelings. I guess I just keep wondering what he was/is really thinking and feeling. Like you said, that shouldn't matter...but somehow it still does.

 

 

Well didn't you say he moved? So it is possible to avoid him. If you know he is going to be at a gathering then try not to attend. If he shows up and you didn't know try to avoid him and leave asap.

 

Right now you have an open wound. The longer you don't have contact with him the more the wound heals. Every time you do have contact with him, you open up that wound again.

 

As they actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter if he said 2 sentences or more more. His action was a "No" that is the only thing that matters. What he is thinking/feeling is irrelevant.

 

Open wounds either get better with proper care or get infected. If you want to stop hurting, if you want to move on, if you want to meet someone else that can make you happy, you know what you must do.

Edited October 30, 2011 by ptp

[JM89]

Well didn't you say he moved? So it is possible to avoid him. If you know he is going to be at a gathering then try not to attend. If he shows up and you didn't know try to avoid him and leave asap.

 

Not trying to be argumentative, but the no contact part is non-negotiable. After college graduation, my group of friends scattered. We're all between 1 and 3 hours away from each other. Most of the times that we get back together it's all of us, so cutting ties with him would mean cutting ties with all of my best friends. That's not going to happen.

[snowflakes88]

I would do nothing. He knows how you feel... if his feelings had changed, I'm sure he would tell you. Given the fact that you feel you can't cut contact, how much more awkward would it be if he rejects you twice?

[serial muse]

I would do nothing. He knows how you feel... if his feelings had changed, I'm sure he would tell you. Given the fact that you feel you can't cut contact, how much more awkward would it be if he rejects you twice?

 

This is a great point.

 

And I suspect that he didn't do a flat "I'm not interested" for the same reason you won't go no-contact - he knows you're in the same group of friends, he knows he'll see you frequently, and wants to avoid awkwardness. So, he probably thought he was letting you down easy - not realizing that it would have the effect of leaving a door open in your mind. I'd guess that wasn't his intent at all, though.

 

Unrequited feelings are a struggle - but I'd strongly recommend that you just let it go. He's not changing his mind. I know you said it's non-negotiable to see him; but are large group gatherings really the only time you get to see your best friends? Couldn't you at least limit contact while you get over him?

[daphne]

I would leave the romantic thoughts out for now. It doesn't help you see the reality of the situation. You may still have romantic feelings for him, but he didn't appear to ever have them for you. You should respect his desire to remain friends, unless he tells you differently. And he hasn't. It's not about what you want. It's about you respecting that he doesn't want the same thing. If you can't go no contact, please don't put him and yourself in a more awkward situation.

[JM89]

Thanks for the responses. Not sure if I'll take the advice, but I appreciate it nonetheless. The more that I've poked around on this site, I've come to discover that it seems to be a gathering place for people who profess "realism," but who really are just quite negative. I'm not saying that we should all live in a world where we think all of our wildest hopes and dreams will come through no matter what, but there's nothing wrong with a little optimism. You have to take risks if you don't want to have regrets.

In case anyone's wondering, I'm not doing anything about my continuing feelings at the present moment, but I'm not ruling out the possibility. I've seen friendship develop into something more in time and I'm not closing the door on this yet. I won't be miserable over him, but I also won't subject myself to a miserable life in which I never have hope.

[dasein]

The "realism" comes from the fact that other than a few words typed, people don't really know you or your situation. What we do know is lots of generalities and personal experience gained in our own lives. False hope prevents people from moving on with their lives to options that work out well, that aren't a constant struggle, as opposed to strained or problematic ones that are so often wasted precious time. If you go to the racetrack and see a limping horse, would you bet your money on that horse? or on a different horse that wasn't limping? Knowing little else about the horses, who would tell you to bet on the limping one? Start looking for new horses.

[orangelady]

Thanks for the responses. Not sure if I'll take the advice, but I appreciate it nonetheless. The more that I've poked around on this site, I've come to discover that it seems to be a gathering place for people who profess "realism," but who really are just quite negative. I'm not saying that we should all live in a world where we think all of our wildest hopes and dreams will come through no matter what, but there's nothing wrong with a little optimism. You have to take risks if you don't want to have regrets.

In case anyone's wondering, I'm not doing anything about my continuing feelings at the present moment, but I'm not ruling out the possibility. I've seen friendship develop into something more in time and I'm not closing the door on this yet. I won't be miserable over him, but I also won't subject myself to a miserable life in which I never have hope.

 

I think you came in here only wanting to listen to what you want to hear. It's not about realism or being negative. It just seems like if the guy likes you, he'd say yes and if he did have feelings for you, but did not want to date now, he would have proposed something else but he didn't.

 

You can cut contact with him if you want. You can always hang out with your best friends on other occasions when he's not there but you still want to see him.

 

So right now, your situation is all one sided and who is going to get hurt in the end? You. Not the guy or the people on here. I think the people on here are just trying not to get you hurt. I don't know if that means having a miserable life. If someone rejects me, I have to accept it, take it as a no, and move on and by doing that, I may meet someone that really likes me. All the best. I admire your persistence though....

[jobaba]

This is a great point.

 

And I suspect that he didn't do a flat "I'm not interested" for the same reason you won't go no-contact - he knows you're in the same group of friends, he knows he'll see you frequently, and wants to avoid awkwardness. So, he probably thought he was letting you down easy - not realizing that it would have the effect of leaving a door open in your mind. I'd guess that wasn't his intent at all, though.

 

Unrequited feelings are a struggle - but I'd strongly recommend that you just let it go. He's not changing his mind. I know you said it's non-negotiable to see him; but are large group gatherings really the only time you get to see your best friends? Couldn't you at least limit contact while you get over him?

 

I agree with most of this and this is the prevailing advice here. And the same thing has happened to me a few times ... boy has it ever.

 

BUT...

 

I must add that I have seen some things that I never thought that I'd see in my lifetime.

 

I have seen a black president of the US.

 

And I have seen a man win over a women who had no initial interest or physical attraction to him. More than once. People say you can't be swayed. But it's happened. It may take MANY YEARS of you hanging around him and painfully watching him date other people. Which doesn't mean you can't date others in the interim either. But if you are really best friends, and you decide it's worth it, maybe keep playing his card.

 

A buddy of mine chased a girl for 10 years, mostly dating nobody else in the interim, watching her marry another guy, and he finally got her.

[JM89]

The "realism" comes from the fact that other than a few words typed, people don't really know you or your situation.

 

Bingo.

And therein lies the reason why I should have known better than to share my life with strangers online. You don't know the situation. You don't know me, you don't know him. I shouldn't have expected anyone on here to be able to understand a situation from reading two short paragraphs when it goes so much deeper than that.

Yes, I recognize that this is likely not going to go anywhere. But I also know that he is shy and doesn't initiate things. I know that he had a lot going on personally at the time. 90% of me is accepting of all of this being over with. I'm not some desperate girl who is going to be held back by this forever, but in the current situation that I'm in, I'm ok with keeping 10% of myself hopeful for the future.

So, thank you for showing me that it is ridiculous for me to be asking for advice from people who don't have a clue about my life. From now on, I'll listen to my heart and stop seeking the approval of others.

[JM89]

I agree with most of this and this is the prevailing advice here. And the same thing has happened to me a few times ... boy has it ever.

 

BUT...

 

I must add that I have seen some things that I never thought that I'd see in my lifetime.

 

 

I appreciate your input. This is actual realism: It's probably not going to happen, but you never know. Stranger things have happened. I am not looking for someone to tell me he's in love with me and everything will be perfect. But I thank you for not jumping to "He's not changing his mind," case closed, no exceptions, no questions asked.

[orangelady]

I appreciate your input. This is actual realism: It's probably not going to happen, but you never know. Stranger things have happened. I am not looking for someone to tell me he's in love with me and everything will be perfect. But I thank you for not jumping to "He's not changing his mind," case closed, no exceptions, no questions asked.

 

Not saying that. The distancing thing is to help YOU. And with some distancing, the heart may grow fonder? What are your tactics? I'm interested to know too. Hang around him, spend more time with him? Or wait? That overtime, he will express the same interest?

[norajane]

Do I tell him that I'm still wrestling with my feelings for him and ask him exactly how he feels about me?

 

I regret the fact that we didn't talk more about this months ago when it was happening. He only said a total of probably two sentences on the topic, the rest was me babbling about my feelings. I guess I just keep wondering what he was/is really thinking and feeling.

 

What makes you think he has no idea that you still have feelings for him?

[dasein]

 

Maybe just head straight to youtube next time.

[jobaba]

I appreciate your input. This is actual realism: It's probably not going to happen, but you never know. Stranger things have happened. I am not looking for someone to tell me he's in love with me and everything will be perfect. But I thank you for not jumping to "He's not changing his mind," case closed, no exceptions, no questions asked.

 

I would also like to let you know that one of the times this happened to me, was several years ago, maybe 7 or 8. Well, that woman is now one of my best friends. I hang around with her and her husband all of the time and there's nothing awkward.

 

It was tough and I resented her for about a year, but things got better slowly. It all depends on how you think you can handle it. The others are telling you to cut all ties because that is the least painful way.

 

Think about your feelings for him and try to separate whether it's primarily a physical attraction or a mental connection. The more you convince yourself it's the latter, the more it may be worth continuing to hang out with him for a future relationship, romantic or platonic.

[JM89]

The distancing thing is to help YOU. And with some distancing, the heart may grow fonder? What are your tactics? I'm interested to know too. Hang around him, spend more time with him? Or wait? That overtime, he will express the same interest?

There is definitely distancing, even if not intentional. He sucks at staying in contact (with everyone, not just me). I'm hanging back. Although we are friends, because of the distance we don't talk often. Texts every now and again, maybe an email, but we aren't so much phone people and only see each other every couple of months. I'm holding myself back from saying anything right now. We're both in new places in our lives and I think our paths could line up better at some point in the future than they do now.

 

What makes you think he has no idea that you still have feelings for him?

I don't think this. I think he probably knows that I still do based on the way I act around him. But, he is pretty oblivious, so who knows.

 

Think about your feelings for him and try to separate whether it's primarily a physical attraction or a mental connection. The more you convince yourself it's the latter, the more it may be worth continuing to hang out with him for a future relationship, romantic or platonic.

It takes no convincing at all. When I first met him, I felt no attraction. People said they could see us together and I thought they were crazy. It wasn't until our friendship started developing and I saw how great our conversations were, how natural I felt around him. Now, there is a physical attraction piece too, but much more on an emotional/intellectual/personal level. This is why it's hard for me to let it go entirely. My past crushes and relationships have been on a much shallower level, so I feel like this one is much more meaningful.

[norajane]

TWe're both in new places in our lives and I think our paths could line up better at some point in the future than they do now.

 

Embrace this new place in your life and the opportunity for new experiences.

 

Keep your friendship as it is for now, casual - that is what he suggested when you told him your feelings. He knows how you feel. He didn't forget, he's not going to forget, you put it on the table already. He'll act if/when he's ready and the timing is right.

 

But DO NOT put your life on hold in any way waiting for him to come around to wanting to date you! You don't know that if/when he starts looking at you as a romantic partner that anything will actually work out between you. Right now, he is just a guy you find interesting and want to know better.

 

Live your life, date people, fall in love, travel, have interesting adventures, try some new things!

[JM89]

Embrace this new place in your life and the opportunity for new experiences.

 

Keep your friendship as it is for now, casual - that is what he suggested when you told him your feelings. He knows how you feel. He didn't forget, he's not going to forget, you put it on the table already. He'll act if/when he's ready and the timing is right.

 

But DO NOT put your life on hold in any way waiting for him to come around to wanting to date you! You don't know that if/when he starts looking at you as a romantic partner that anything will actually work out between you. Right now, he is just a guy you find interesting and want to know better.

 

Live your life, date people, fall in love, travel, have interesting adventures, try some new things!

 

Thanks for the advice and the positive outlook. I have faith that we can remain friends and just wait and see if anything ever develops. At this point in time, I have no other prospects and rarely get out to meet new people (not in a weird way, I'm just not into the party/bar/hookup scene). So, I am completely accepting of remaining single with a future option on the table. I'm not turning anybody down or missing out on anything because of him.

[jobaba]

It takes no convincing at all. When I first met him, I felt no attraction. People said they could see us together and I thought they were crazy. It wasn't until our friendship started developing and I saw how great our conversations were, how natural I felt around him. Now, there is a physical attraction piece too, but much more on an emotional/intellectual/personal level. This is why it's hard for me to let it go entirely. My past crushes and relationships have been on a much shallower level, so I feel like this one is much more meaningful.

 

I feel your pain. I've been through this and JUST went through it. I mean if you have a crush on the cute Dunkin Donuts girl and she thinks your butt ugly, yea who cares.

 

But, when you spend months with a person, getting to know who they are, their fears and insecurities, slowly uncovering their good qualities, and finally develop an attraction to them based on that, how could there not be ANY reciprocation???

 

It's because this world f@cking sucks, that's why.

 

Good luck to you.

[norajane]

Thanks for the advice and the positive outlook. I have faith that we can remain friends and just wait and see if anything ever develops. At this point in time, I have no other prospects and rarely get out to meet new people (not in a weird way, I'm just not into the party/bar/hookup scene). So, I am completely accepting of remaining single with a future option on the table. I'm not turning anybody down or missing out on anything because of him.

 

So get out there and DO things. LIVE your life. Meeting people isn't something that only happens in bars! Take a belly dancing class or a painting class, volunteer at the pet shelter or for Junior Achievement, get involved with your local alumni group, take road trips to the national parks in your area, grow tomatoes, learn to cook Moroccan food...

 

Look at it this way...if you just sit around doing nothing different, why would he be any more interested in you in the future? Enrich your life and you will be more attractive to any partner for the life experience you've had and the way it has developed your character and personality.

[JM89]

So get out there and DO things. LIVE your life. Meeting people isn't something that only happens in bars! Take a belly dancing class or a painting class, volunteer at the pet shelter or for Junior Achievement, get involved with your local alumni group, take road trips to the national parks in your area, grow tomatoes, learn to cook Moroccan food...

 

Look at it this way...if you just sit around doing nothing different, why would he be any more interested in you in the future? Enrich your life and you will be more attractive to any partner for the life experience you've had and the way it has developed your character and personality.

 

Maybe you misunderstood...I'm happy with my life right now. I have a solid group of friends, I'm close with my family. But I am an introverted person who is very uncomfortable in most social situations without a close friend there. My full time and part time job take up a lot of my time, but that's ok because I love them both.

I'm not looking to change myself for him or for anyone else. I do fun things, I hang out with my friends, but I'm a low key person. I AM living my life, the way that I want to. (And, for the record, in a way that is very similar to R's. We're both very shy, introverted, and prefer to spend time with close friends or alone. Part of our compatibility, I suppose).

[JM89]

I'm really bad at doing nothing...

 

I'm thinking of sending him an email basically saying that I still have feelings for him and even though I value his friendship, I cannot be the one to initiate our contact anymore. Let him know that I'm not throwing the friendship away, but I can't invite him to group gatherings, send him the first text, etc. He's welcome to contact me, but I can't chase him anymore.

 

I like to think of this as total honesty, but I'm wondering if it would come across as passive aggressive. I guess I could just stop my contact, but I feel like I somehow need to give an explanation as to why that's happening.

 

Disclaimer: I know I'm overthinking this. I know I've gone back and forth in how to handle the situation. I may or may not take your advice. I just need a sounding board and some different perspectives.