Don't know what's right...

[sghffdmc]

New guy here, I had posted on here a few days ago about my situation but didn't really go in depth. I've had some time to think and I laid it all on the table today in hopes I could get some advice from everyone on here as I stumble through this confusing time in my life.

 

Here goes nothing...brace yourselves, it's pretty long.

 

I broke up with my ex about a week ago. I'm 20 years old, almost 21 and we had been dating since the end of our senior year in high school. However, things didn't start out like I would think a relationship like ours typically would. I didn't know her until my senior year, but it turns out she had a crush on me since we were freshmen. She's beautiful, but I was hesitant to ask her out. My friends told me I was an idiot and that I was too picky, so I figured, why not. You never know what it could turn into.

 

And I can honestly say that she was my first love and thoughts of marriage and kids with her always filled my mind. If you would have told me that I'd be broken up with her today, I would have told you that you're crazy. I thought for sure she was the one for me and that'd I would be spending the rest of my life with her.

 

That's when the past year happened...things started to feel different. I still loved her and cared for her, but I suppose you could say my feelings started to fade. I began looking around me and seeing the experiences my single friends were having, seeing all of the beautiful girls around campus and I began to wonder..."what if"? This girl was my first and only serious relationship I've ever had. She's the only girl I ever slept with. What if I need to experiment more? There was even a girl in my class last spring who caught my attention. We never hung out outside of class, but we talked a lot and got along great. I enjoyed talking to her and she enjoyed talking to me, but I knew I had to stop when she asked me to study with her. My ex would have never approved of that and I knew I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons, so I ended communication with the girl. Still, the what if thoughts pervaded my mind on a daily basis...

 

But I told myself I was crazy and that what I had now was worth fighting for. So I pushed those thoughts aside and focused on my ex and did everything I could to keep our relationship strong.

 

But it didn't work. The thoughts progressively grew stronger and I steadily suffered more and more. Not because I wanted to be with other girls, but because I was confused and I still did, and still do love and care my ex. I think to a certain extent I would have broken up with her a few months ago if I wasn't so scared of hurting her. I care for her more than anything and seeing her cry and be upset is my kryptonite. Looking back, I know that was a mistake and staying with someone because you don't want to hurt them is never a good idea or right.

 

To give you some background information, my parents were also high school sweethearts, but ended up divorced when I was just 8 years old. I vowed from that day forward that I would never do what my dad did and walk out on my future wife and kids. I still plan on keeping that promise to this day. So I guess that was always in the back of my mind and certainly could have influenced my decision. I would constantly find myself working myself up; thinking that I was on pace to end up exactly like my parents did. The paths were eerily similar. And that scared me to death.

 

Now, come back to the current situation. Over the past few weeks I have been thinking more than ever. My feelings had faded for my ex, but I still loved her and cared for her like she was part of my family. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want to hurt her. We had tried working on it, but it wasn't getting better. That's when I stepped back and took a look at life and realized this: we've only dated for 2 and a half years; that's nothing compared to eternity with someone. That planted a seed of doubt and I began to wonder if I did need to experiment more. Because the last thing I want is to end up like my dad.

 

So, I finally worked up the courage to do it. I cried, she cried, we were both confused and hurt. I told her I cared for her and didn't want to hurt her, but I realized if I had to, I'd rather hurt her now as opposed to 10 years from now when we're married and had kids. Not only would it be not fair to her as I would have lied to myself for the next decade, but the pain would be even worse if I left her then. I told her I don't want to think that we are done forever and that I wish my feelings for her would come back again one day. I really do wish that.

 

Neither of us have taken it well, but I have to admit I am slowly getting better. Now, I'm about to throw a curveball in here that has made the whole thing even more complicated. Remember that girl from class I told you about? Yea, the day we broke up I was out with some of my fraternity brothers because they were trying to make me feel better as I was pretty down. We were at a bar, but I was sitting on the couch sulking, thinking, wondering if I had made the right decision. Mad at myself for hurting her. Confused why the feelings left me. What I had with her was so good, I didn't understand.

 

So I decided to get up and get a drink and that's when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Guess who? Yep, the girl from my class. And we picked up right where we left off. We talked all night, probably for about 2 or 3 hours. It felt great! She's the same major as me and we have a lot in common, but also we share differences which would make things interesting. I often thought that was a problem with my ex, we had too much in common and at times I felt like she was more of a best friend than a girlfriend. We were almost the same person in different sexes.

 

Anyways, we talked all night and said goodbye at the end, nothing more happened. I felt a genuine connection and it honestly felt weird because I hadn't felt that with anyone else in over 3 years or so besides my ex. But then I started to wonder if this was no more than a classic rebound...and I still can't figure out if that's what I'm feeling. All I know is that I'm thinking about her a good amount and I want to talk to her again.

 

This brings me to my current state of confusion. I do wish my feelings for my ex would come back, because what we had was great, but now this other girl has my attention and I'm very interested in at least talking to her more and dating her maybe not as seriously. Is it anything more than a rebound? Is it a coincidence that I ran into her the night I became single? I ask myself these questions all day. I also ask myself if I want my ex back. I know I feel bad for her, terribly bad, that's for sure. But do I really want to go back and will the feelings every come back? I'm afraid to say that it doesn't seem like they are, which kills me inside, but at the same time I would be glad that I ended it now instead of staying with her because I thought it was the right thing to do, only to hurt her 100000x worse down the road when my unhappiness ruined our marriage. Because I will say that we planned on getting married once we graduated from college and at this point I don't know how long that would have lasted.

 

As I bring up the questions of the other girl, some of you might tell me to just go for it because that's why I'm single in the first place. At the same time, I know going for it would hurt my ex (she would definitely find out) and I'm still unsure where I want to go with her in the future. I guess I'm scared of losing her for good and realizing down the road that she really is the one I want to be with forever.

 

If you have any advice, please help me out...please and thank you.

Edited October 30, 2011 by sghffdmc
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[Bobby289]

You are looking for a connection that is not there right now with your ex. This girl may be great but you have to decide if it is only because you are looking to fill that void or not. Sounds like a rebound feeling to me but ask yourself.