blahdeeblah Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 my boyfriend and i both recently finished school. i graduated may 2010 with a degree in a design related field. i have been looking for a full time, "grown up" job since then, and was only able to find a job in retail for two months. until the store where i was hired closed. i'm now back to looking for a full time job. he graduated about a month ago with his PhD in a science related field. before this, he was hired by a company related to business almost a year ago and will be starting early next year. he is completely set up now with a job that will pay 120k with ample room for advancement, and will be getting bonuses, benefits, and perks galore. very realistically, he has the potential to advance in a relatively short period of time and could literally make millions per year in just a couple of years. i'm struggling to find something that pays 30k with benefits and, realistically, will mostly likely never make what he is making now. even if i find a job and advance, he will advancement much faster and more significantly and the gap in income will only widen between us. long story short, after a long internal struggle, i decided to live with him in the town he has chosen to be in. it was a big decision and we agreed that we would try really hard to find an apartment that we both are happy with. after looking at a few apartments, he has now chosen his first choice...and my last choice. he believes that if he is paying for it, he should get exactly what he wants. i will be paying the utilities (so i'm not freeloading), but they are only a fraction of the rent. he feels strongly that whoever is paying for something gets most, if not all, of the decision making power. with him making so much more money than i ever will, he will have few limitations as far as what he wants, and this honestly scares the sh*t out of me. i'm scared i will always be living in someone else's life and dreams. and just to clarify, i do NOT expect anything from him materially. i just expect, as someone he is supposed to value and care about, that my feelings, dreams, desires, wants and needs all be weighed equally in every decision that affects me. he has said that if i am able to pay half for something, he would suck it up and go along with something that isn't necessarily his first choice, but i feel like he respects the paycheck his SO makes more than his SO's feelings and this really bothers me. my bf tells me this is how "normal people do things" and that i live in a "fantasy world". he says it makes no sense for someone to spend money on something and not get EXACTLY what they want, and at least i'm still getting something that's better than what i can pay for, even if it's not exactly what i want (which i find to be a very insulting statement b/c i don't always consider what he can afford to be "better"). he always comes back to the question "what would you be able to afford if you weren't with me?" and says that if i'm "getting more than that", i shouldn't complain about it. i don't know...am i just not living in reality? is it unfair of me to expect him to make decisions that we're both happy with if he's paying for them? any thoughts would be appreciated....i am having so much anxiety over this, my stomach is in knots.
norajane Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 They say "perception is reality". And you are perceiving that you have a difference in perspectives on money, power, and partnership. This is a fundamental and significant difference. If the two of you cannot agree on how much and what kind of power money has within your relationship, this will always be an area of friction between you. He's told you two important pieces of information: - he believes that earning the money means he has decision making power and he will use that power to get exactly what he wants - "exactly what he wants" does not include taking your desires into consideration if he doesn't agree with you So, the real question is, what will you do with this information? Because his views aren't going to change any time soon.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Um, dearie, it's a relationship: thus, "you have the p*ssy, you have the power" But you have to put your foot down and make him choose... and if he chooses wrong, so what? Move on in that case...
Author blahdeeblah Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 well, we talked about it more....and i thought everything would be ok, but once again, we're just not on the same page. i told him about a decorating idea i had for one of the rooms in the apartment, and basically the conclusion of the whole conversation was that he has veto power over anything i want to do....but i have no veto power. over anything. and certainly not over what apartment we move into. he claims that it's "our" apartment and, b/c design and visual presentation and environment is extremely important to me (it is fundamental of who i am), he said that i can basically decorate the place how i want w/ little interference from him since he knows what i'm giving up to be w/ him where he is. but now he has veto power over that. money is everything, apparently.
Andy_K Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 The catch to dating guys who have a lot of money, is that money is very often more important to them than you. Consider whether that's what you want from a relationship.
Heart On Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 All I see is RED FLAGS! I'm insulted by his cocky attitude,so I can just imagine how you must be feeling.Like you recall this man claimed to love you,but his actions say otherwise and you would be RIGHT! Are you "stuck" now that you have decided to move into HIS apartment? No.You do have choices and if you choose to ignore all those red flags,you can't claim to be his victim anytime in the future,near or far. He has WARNED you what your life will be like with him and I suggest you start saving to MOVE OUT!~ Or better yet,don't move in! Let him "love" his money and the "power" trip he get's off on ALONE!
Recommended Posts