EveryDayIsLikeSunday Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 OK, this is a long one... My gf of a year (Hannah) has just broken up with me. I'll explain the story. At the start of August, we'd had a fight and as I'd been really stressed at work I took it badly: as she said the other day it was just a tiff and we'd have got over it, but I took flowers to her work, but she wasn't there, so I took them to her house, where she was, and she wasn't impressed at my turning up unannounced. That night I went out with a friend and got very very drunk. She was out with her friend (Danielle). During the night we exchanged texts, and just after midnight I'd asked what she was doing and she told me the bar she was in. I misread this as an invitation to join her, I guess as I really wanted to see her. I turned up, steaming drunk, could hardly stand, and proceeded to aggressively get rid of guys who were trying to have a dance off with her, some of whom were her colleagues. I was being a d*ck. Apparently (and I say apparently as until recently I had no memory of this night) I kissed Danielle on the neck and laughed about it. Ended up getting taxi back to Hannah's, we had a fight, she said there were guys lining up to take her out (she admitted she just said this in heat of argument) I said if she left me I'd self-harm (also heat of argument, I wouldn't ever do that or really mean it) then apparently I seemed to get aggressive. We went to bed, next morning we spoke, I had no memory of the night before - I'd got drunk on whiskey which I just never do as it makes me go mad. She broke up with me, we hugged each other and cried then I left. She text me to see how I was, told me she was crying her eyes out. As the days went by, I sent he apologetic messages, she began to get annoyed, said she'd made her decision, it was hard for her, I should respect it. She asked for space, which I struggles to give her. 2 weeks later she agreed to come over to talk. She said she wouldn't change her mind, it was so I could get closure. She came over, we talked, she started out negative but she gradually softened. I apologised for my behaviour unreservedly. She said I could get a few browny points by giving her a foot rub, I did. We spoke a bit more, somehow the conversation got on to her saying that as I'd been so nasty I should give her oral sex, which I did - things seemingly looking up. After she left she text me saying that what we'd just done wasn't a great idea as she wasn't sure what to do. As I was feeling positive I said I'd leave it up to her. 2 days later and she asks to see me after work. In the ned she had to cancel as she got landed with a mountain of paperwork (she's a financial adviser). I was asking her how her week had been come Friday & she said tiring, I offered to talk about it if she wanted, she asked me not to chase her. I backed off. Tuesday came, she wanted to see me after work. She picked me up from the station after I'd got back from work in London, we went to mine, we laughed with my family, the 2 of us ate takeaway, we had sex an then cuddled together. Things were sorted. 2 days alter, I'm at a stag dinner for a colleague, I get a text from Hannah. She's out for dinner with Danielle, who has just told her that I did kiss her neck. I asked what was going on. I received a tirade of abuse, every name under the sun (I understand, she was angry, hurt, upset, she's said since she overreacted and we should've talked about this face to face). I then did something very stupid. I'd never lied to Hannah before, but I did - even though I had no idea what I'd done that awful night I said I knew I hadn't kissed Danielle as I'd seen CCTV footage from the bar (I used to work there). Hannah said I was lying, I said I wasn't. Over the next few weeks I embellished the lie, adding details to make it believable, even though she gave me chances to admit it wasn't true - I wasn't man enough to own up. Eventually she text me saying that apparently what had happened was a guy had been trying it on with Danielle & he'd kissed her neck, Danielle then told me and I then kissed her on the neck too and seemed to think it was hilarious. This just kind of triggered a memory and I realised that I may well have done it - I owned up to that. Hannah was disgusted by my lies, and the fact I'd been calling Danielle a lot of unkind things and saying she was lying. I don't know why I lied - I just got in a panic; I was over the moon that we'd sorted things and couldn't bear to lose Han. I started texting apology after apology, Hannah asked me to leave her be, I carried on. I was told by a mutual friend about a lot of things Danielle had done to Hannah over the years that were very out of order and had really upset Hannah - in fact she herself had told me that Danielle is not a very nice person. I raised all this with Hannah, and it really upset her. Eventually, at the very end of September, I initiated NC and said I'd do as she asked and wait to hear from her. She text on the 7th October, my birthday to wish me happy b'day. I was out with friends, I was writing a reply when they told me to not reply, so I stopped. The next morning she text me to ask if I was ok, I was in bed, hungover so didn't reply. Half hr later she called me to see what was up; she though something had happened to me. We chatted a bit, she said she'd see me soon and was having a girly shopping day to cheer herself up. We started exchanging few texts, bit of chat - how was the weekend, talking about the new iphone, that kind of thing. Following weekend she said she was seeing friends. She said it had been a tough time for her but they'd all been very supportive. I said I was glad they were and said sorry for giving her hell, I said I was going out with friends. She replied, saying that if I was out drinking we should take bets on who I'd end up kissing this time. I didn't reply until the following day, when I asked if she'd needed to send that, she said no she was being childish, but she's only human and a very hurt human. I said I understood and that we can all be childish when we're hurt sometimes. Last wekend she said she wanted to talk in person, so we arranged to meet on Thursday evening. She came over, said she had looked at it from my POV and she could see why I'd lied and she forgave me but she couldn't forget it. She said the consequences of my actions were serious - she had been about to believe me when I owned up, which would've meant losing her friend of 20 years, who is also her business partner in a little part-time venture they have together, and Danielle's son is Hannah's godson. She also didn't like how vicious I'd been about Danielle. I apologise, I knew I'd been angry at myself really but had diverted my focus onto Danielle. Hannah said I was a nice guy, aside from the last few months, and she wanted me in her life so she hoped that we could stay friends as she really cares about me. She said if all this hadn't happened she'd been planning to take me away to the lake district to a log cabin with a hot tub for my birthday - this set me off sobbing, I'd wanted to go away wit her so badly for so long, it just seemed so real & I was so angry at myself for ruining it and letting her down. She said she didn't think she'd be able to trust me again; apparently she realised this when I didn't reply to the birthday text as shed got in a panic that I was with a girl, or trying to find a rebound lay or something. She said she thought that even in 50 years she'd be suspicious if I was at the bingo with Dorris. Also, she said that she wouldn't feel comfortable with me being there when Danielle was after what I'd said about her, and if we did get married Danielle couldn't be bridesmaid (Hannah was Danielle's when she married her now ex-husband). I said I loved her, she said if I really did I had to promise to be strong for her and not get depressed, even though she knew the next few weeks would be very tough for me, I had to be strong and learn from my mistakes and prove her wrong - show her what a mistake she'd made in breaking up with me and make her regret it. She made me promise and told me 'no more lies - so u have to do this for me'. She said she had just been learning to trust me so thing's would've been ok, but she said she didn't how she could let me earn it back, she was damaged goods (I'll come back to this point). We hugged, cried then she left. Since Thursday I've been NC. I'm planning to stay NC until 2nd Dec -when she gets her final results from the financial advisor qualification she's been doing over the past 9 months or so (this time last year I was helping her study for the 1st part of it). She said she'd like to have coffee or something on 12th Dec (her birthday) but I couldn't be invited out in the night as Danielle would be there. Is that a good idea for me to do this? OK, the damaged goods part. First off, Hannah has ADHD, so she can be quite fiery and wired at times - her moods can be unpredictable, but I don't agree with her that it makes her hard to be in a relationship with. Hannah was engaged before, but her fiancee split up with her circa 4 years ago - he just came home 1 day (he was/is in the navy so she saw him once a week) and said he couldn't do it anymore and then walked out. They had a house together so she had to sell that, apparently he got really strange with her, making her give the ring back, taking money out of the bank account etc. To this day he has never given her a reason as to why he left, I know it must be awful to have never gotten closure like that. She told me she used to start arguments for amusement, as her ADHD means she gets bored. Also, she has/had this thing she used to do - she' find out a guy liked her, then she'd lead him on, text him etc. She never took it anywhere or wanted it to go anywhere, she just did it for a thrill, to see how long she could string them along for. Her fiancee found a load of messages on her phone, but didn't say anything for months. Maybe that was a factor in his leaving, maybe he couldn't cope with her ADHD, we'll never know for sure. I don't think she ever really dealt with this - she's a very private person and she sort of swept it all under the carpet. Ever since, she been reluctant to trust (hence why after a year she was only just starting to learn to trust me). She's dated 1/2 guys since she was engaged, but she said it ended with both of them as they wanted a serious relationship and she didn't, and, in her own words, it ended badly and the guys got hurt. She said to me that if wed've carried on, she'd still only have ever been '50% there'; 3 days was the max she could spend with me in a row, any more and she said her brain goes mad as she gets bored and would wind me up by chatting other men up in front of me, starting a fight for fun etc. She doesn't like to get too involved in each others lives. Now I love her so much all that doesn't bother me. She thinks she's impossible to be in a relationship with, she thinks no guy could want to settle down with her - she wants kids one day but says she accepts it probably won't happen. I don't think she's a handful or a nightmare at all, I loved every second of being with her, but she thinks she's impossible. I'd put up with any amount of 'unconventional relationship stuff' like not seeing each other every day etc to be with her - she's 1 in a billion. I don't know what to do - can I sort this/make it better? How? I know I behaved very badly and I regret it and am sorry and am making changes to my life accordingly. I think, if we can somehow sort this mess out, she should deal with her past, but I wouldn't force her to. Has anyone got any thoughts? Please help me, I'm shaking, feel sick, keep crying, it's torture. I know my behaviour means I probably deserve to feel like this, and I know she is going/has gone though hell, but I just need some guidance? Thanks in advance for the advice.
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