steve566 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 So been broken up for 2 months, started off trying to get here back but then went to letting her intitate all contact.. thing was that she started calling and texting quite a bit which made it harder for me to move on. Dont get me wrong i love talking to her and would love to be back together but so far no luck. So last time she called to talk she asked if it was okay that she was calling me and basically i told her i think it would be best if she stopped because its making it harder for me to move on. I told her if she didnt want to try again we needed time apart so i could get over the situation and meet someone else. She immediatly started crying and saying how confused she is, doesnt know what she wants, still cares so much for me ,etc. Was i better off maybe keeping limited contact with her to try and get her back? Its been a week since we talked and havent heard a peep from her because this is obviously what i asked of her, i just really hope i didnt push her totally out of my life for good..
joseph17 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 she is definitely giving you what you want. If you didn't want to end it with her then maybe saying you needed time to heal so you can be with someone else was a little to harsh. You could have not put another person in the picture and probably gave her the impression that you wanted to move on. What if she said that to you how would you feel? Here is your chance to figure out what you want. If you really want her back and can spend the rest of your life together. Because if not then it's time to move on and heal yourself. If you want her back then call her and let her know. If you get a response she wants to work everything out then you know the NC did good. If not then you just found out the risk you take when you initiate No Contact
Eddie Edirol Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 What concerns me about her i that she didnt mention marriage to you at all, knowing thats what she wanted. it makes me wonder if she emotionally checked out with you long ago. I think you did the right thing. Let her suffer alone. She needs to miss you if shes confused. What I think it is, even though shes not going out, her talking to you is cementing her thoughts about what kills her attraction to you. If she cant talk to you, and she thinks she made a mistake, she wont forget about you. if she really wants to move on to a guy that tells her he wants marriage without her asking, she will forget you, which is what you want. Because she is a communications coward, and you dont want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that. Because then you will wind up marrying her, and she wont tell you about something else she wants, and will wind up checking out on you in your marriage. I also suspect that she isnt telling you all the reasons she checked out on you. So until shes ready to do that, I say cut her off, and kep her cut off.
Author steve566 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 I think both of you may be right in a way, she is obviously very confused. I feel i did a lot to make sure she knew i wanted her back, dinners, talks, letters.. but her response everytime is that she not sure and doesnt want to lead me on. So i stopped contact and then she began with the calls and texts. I just felt telling her to stop the "friend" calls would either bring her back or lose her for good. Hoping abscense will make the heart grow fonder i guess
Eddie Edirol Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I think both of you may be right in a way, she is obviously very confused. I feel i did a lot to make sure she knew i wanted her back, dinners, talks, letters.. but her response everytime is that she not sure and doesnt want to lead me on. So i stopped contact and then she began with the calls and texts. I just felt telling her to stop the "friend" calls would either bring her back or lose her for good. Hoping abscense will make the heart grow fonder i guess I forgot to say this: Shes not confused. She might want to get that attraction to you again, but too many things are holding her back, and she isnt telling you what they are.
LadyRhyme&Reason Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Anyone that is "confused" should be left alone so they can figure themselves out. I had an ex that did that to me but he just wanted the attention more than anything so he strung me along for 9 months after the break up...and even talked to me and never mentioned that he had a new gf (he started dating her 4 and a half months after breaking it off with me...and I had to find out through a mutual friend). If I could go back in time, I would tell him from the get go to not contact me and let me figure my stuff out without him in the picture because I was still attracted to him and it made it worse. You did the right thing by telling her how you felt. She dumped you, and she can figure her crap out by herself. I think no contact is the way to go with ex's. Most of the time, you don't want them back anyways. That ex I spoke of above is a completely different person today and I would never take him back if he and his fiancee broke up and he tried to contact me.
Bobby289 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 My position is pretty similar to yours, It's only been a month but I did what you did and tried to get her back with no result then stopped initiating contact (just a few days ago). Last time we talked she was confused about what to do and stressed out so I said Id leave her be to work it out on her own. I tried to get a straight answer of what she wanted so I can cut her off if needed but it was just avoided. I think you made the right choice, there is no outline of how to go about it. I would omit "meet someone else".
Author steve566 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Posted October 30, 2011 well to late i already had told her that i was gonna move on if she was unwilling to work things out. I dont have any interest in anyone now but as i feel better im sure the desire will return. Her life right now is completely up in the air, she is super busy with school, clinicals, and work and this put a huge strain on our relationship. Also she stresses out about her mom and little brother who live out of state and are unemployed living in her aunts basement. Her plan basically went from graduating traveling the world with me and then settling down, to moving to st louis and being the bread winner for her family. Her mom hasnt worked in 14 years and lost her house in florida, thus her moving to st louis. I think its incredible that she is willing to do this for her family but she has put herself in a situation where its either me or the family. There certainly not homeless as they live in a very nice large basement of a big house but her mom just hasnt had the motivation to go find work. I just know my ex will regret her decision in due time, but feel shes only going to figure that out by going out and doing it.
Author steve566 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 man, its getting harder and harder each day to not text her.. maybe i was better off with the limited contact. Its even harder now because she re enabled her facebook so now all the pictures of us together are back on my profile. Its weird because she will disable and re enable her facebook for a day or two every couple weeks.. im confused
skyle Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Steve you're doing well, I know how you feel. I am tempted to speak to my ex and its only day one of the NC/LC. But it makes me happy knowing that she might regret making the decision in time. Don't initiate contact with her...if she speaks to you then fair enough but the longer you leave it, the harder it is for her to be without you. My ex has said she wants me as a mate only, but still cuddles me etc but we've been seperated for 2 months and we haven't actually not spoken for more than 2 days. So I am gonna do the NC as she said she can't live without me. Either way, you're doing really well and you'll have days where you really want to text them and speak to them but just ride it out and keep going. I know 100% how that feels!
Author steve566 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 thanks for the encouragement skyle, the feeling that i had to contact her has passed for now but who knows how i'll feel tomorrow. I was already in NIC with her but she was giving me the friendly runaround, therefore i stepped in and told her no more.. its actually a little empowering to have told her that and then for her to get so emotional about it. Im still confused on what shes doing with her facebook by turning it on for a day and then disabling it, any thoughts or opinions?
Gack Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 thanks for the encouragement skyle, the feeling that i had to contact her has passed for now but who knows how i'll feel tomorrow. I was already in NIC with her but she was giving me the friendly runaround, therefore i stepped in and told her no more.. its actually a little empowering to have told her that and then for her to get so emotional about it. Im still confused on what shes doing with her facebook by turning it on for a day and then disabling it, any thoughts or opinions? I am not sure either. I have nc with my ex and never broke it since she broke up with me 4 months ago. She is my 1st serious love. 2 weeks aft i initiated nc she msg me on msn saying she will send me off when i leave the country and she will rmb me forever in her heart. I send her a long email in the morning scolding her and asking her to come back if she wants but if she want to be with that guy then i will just move on with my life. No reply so i went back to nc. She block me on fb a week aft we broke up and was with the guy aft we broke up too. Anyway long story short is my facebook profile is public so she can see what on my wall even though she is not on my friend list anymore. She like my status, about 11 of them posts in 10 days. Then when i had a chalet with mutual friends that she knew thru me. She came to my profile often, i found out thru an app that check who visit your profile the most. Believe me i got a shock when i realized that people not in your friend list can be no 2. There she was on no 2 and she wasn't in my friend list, the rest of the people were in my friend list. Then after that my friend told me she went overseas but when she came back she said she was emo. Then 1 week later she text me asking me for her stuff back that she gave me. Saying some family member wanted it when it is her stuff.. And she was urgent about it cuz she msg my 2 other siblings and left a chat msg on my facebook. And liking my posts on facebook again.. So it like she keep contacting me this way even though i never contact her again. So about this facebook thing. Could someone also tell me why they behave this way?
Author steve566 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 well even after telling her to not contact me she started texting me again tonight, she was just wanting to see how i was doing... after texting for a bit she told me again that she really missed me... why wont she come back if she misses me?? i guess ill just keep up with not contacting her and see if those feeling build in to something
ChelseaLS Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 She won't come back because she's torn. She's not sure. You mean something to her but she's got **** to deal with. Time, space. It's funny because I was just sitting here thinking "I hope my ex doesn't hate me because I have been LC (can't do no contact as we work together) and when we do talk I keep it short and kind of cold. He stops by my office to chat on his way home from work... I don't get it. I just really hope he doesn't think I hate him.. I just want him to think I am doing just fine. I love him and would be very upset with myself if he thought I hated him.
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Breadcrumbs and more breadcrumbs. I think for a bit you need to stick to NC for a few months to flush the bad stuff outta you, but if you absolutely must respond to her and take a LC stance, probably will after a few months of NC and I mean you never talking to her first still, just tell her when she says she misses you "I know." That's it. Don't give her what she wants, don't feed her! Chelsea, I know how you feel about the hate thing. My ex-fiancee, during our last full conversation about the break up, said "Go ahead you may spill all your hate for me out now." All I could think was "Seriously?" I told her I didn't hate her, which I didn't and still don't. I ended up sending her a letter which in part said I didn't hate her and only want what's best for her and want her to be happy.
Author steve566 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Breadcrumbs and more breadcrumbs. yea maybe your right, its funny though because i didnt reply til about an hour after she texted me, at the exact time i sent my reply she had texted that she was sorry for texting me and knew she shouldnt be doing it... At that point i kind of felt like im almost getting the upper and in this break up because she's at a point where she is contacting me even though she know its the wrong thing to do. I teased her a bit when we were texting and then ended the convo abrubtly telling her to have a good week. For me texting isnt nearly as hard as talking to her in person or on the phone but i will continue with my attempt at NC or at least NIC.
MrSimple Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Being led along? It happens, don't worry. I got led along as well, for a pretty stupid reason. But there was once she spam-called me about 15 times in a row one Sat morning and I went "wow, what in the world is this?" I picked up and turns out, she was crying over the phone. Over what, I had no complete idea, because I couldn't understand a single word she was saying. So I told her, call me back when she has calmed down. She then sent me a msg to text her when I'm free, but resume calling another 10 times. She toned down after that, so I texted back to ask how was she. She replied saying it was fine now and that she is meeting her girl_friend to talk. So I thought nothing much of it. Though at night when I went online, she dropped me a quick chat apologising for that morning and apologising for whatever she did during the post-breakup days(gunning me down, cold shoulder, blah blah blah) There will always be the sense of gulit for sure. How much it weighs down on her, well, it will creep up to her eventually. Maybe it was a mistake and that I should have picked up the call, but then, if I'm always there, she's gonna take me for granted and chuck me into the friends' zone forever while she's out with another guy. Trust me, no guy will want that to happen when he's dead serious in chasing after the girl he loves to win her back. Well, she attempted to contact me over the next week to ask about help finding things, which of course, I didn't even want to reply. First, she chuck me away, and now she expects me to help her. I have no obligation to even help her, and the last msg I got from her was like an order telling me to tell her what she wants. Well, she probably got mad at me for ignoring her, but inside her mind somewhere, there's bound to be something asking: "why isn't he helping me?" It's all in the mind. And if you know the tactics to use, it can prove to be a very powerful bonus to you, coz you know what to expect and how to react. Well, it's Day 5 of NC now. Still too early to know what is going to happen, but good things will happen if you believe and strive to achieve it. Be positive, and everything will be easy for you. Most importantly, know what you want, and never give up on yourself!
ChelseaLS Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 but good things will happen if you believe and strive to achieve it. Be positive, and everything will be easy for you. Most importantly, know what you want, and never give up on yourself! LOVE that. You can't just sit around and just wish for things to change you, need to be proactive but in theright way.
MrSimple Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Don't wait for a change. BE THE CHANGE~ =) My new motto in life
Rorschach64 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Yappers, keep up the NC for awhile then maybe later on switch over to LC. They have to initally feel that loss and you already said you want her as a gf and more but nothing less than that. Some people on here will say that if your ex wanted you back she will come storming the fort looking for you and the relationship back, I haven't experienced this first hand but I hope to one day.
Author steve566 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 hmm.. well alot has changed in the last day, today she called me and started crying and saying how much she misses me and how she is not sure what is going to happen with the rest of her life but she knows she loves me. She said she wanted to come over and i told her that she couldnt unless she was interested in trying again, she said that she wanted to try again and see what happens. I told her she could come over and we hung out and talked. She admitted to taking out the stresses of her life out on me and she knew it was wrong to do. I told her to give us some space and that i'll call her monday and make sure she wants to try again and take it slow. I made sure to say that it couldnt be the same relationship and we had to work out our issues. We kissed a few times and it just felt right but i want to make sure she wants it for the right reasons The only thing is that i have some reservations about the fact that she kept saying how lonely she is now. I dont want her to come back because shes lonely but rather becauses she misses us and loves me. Im not gonna get my hopes up and just see what happens. What do yall think?
Rorschach64 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I think....congratulations but not quite yet! Let's see what you two feel on monday, people can flip flop over night but I wish you luck in this man!
Author steve566 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 thanks man, i know things could change so thats why i told her to take a couple days to make sure its what she want. Its gonna be a long hard road but if its for the right reasons it'll be worth it. Thanks everyone for the help and i'll keep updating my situation.
ChelseaLS Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 thanks man, i know things could change so thats why i told her to take a couple days to make sure its what she want. Its gonna be a long hard road but if its for the right reasons it'll be worth it. Thanks everyone for the help and i'll keep updating my situation. You guys will have to pay attention to your relationship more intently and face the problems that arise head on this time. Be aware and be proactive. Good luck!
Recommended Posts