bluepeter Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 (edited) There is this girl I know. We have long conversations on the phone (she likes to hear my stories). Every now and then we make day-trips. We do something in the afternoon and in the evening we have dinner somewhere. She likes to spend time with me on those days, brings her young child. Recently I confessed to her that I really like her. She told me I am a great guy, she sees me as a good friend but she doesn't feel attraction. She doesn't see us in a relationship. This was the fourth time we went for a trip, we've been talking on the phone since early this year. Can this situation change, can she feel attraction at a later stage, or am I forever stuck in the friendzone? I am pessimistic, but perhaps you have some insights or experiences to share. btw. We are still friends and are still planning new trips. We do not live close to each-other, so each time we see each other is planned beforehand. We do not bump into each other casually. Edited October 30, 2011 by bluepeter
norajane Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 At this point, your best bet is to date other people. If she's not attracted to you, you're wasting your energy hoping for it. And if you date others, if she had any attraction for you, it might kick start it with a little jealousy.
Jynxx Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Not impossible but highly unlikely, forget what Hollywood told you. Move on.
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Eh....... your chances are slim.......... It takes a miracle to escape the friend-zone.
ptp Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 More than likely no, this will not change. If you really like this girl you are actually hurting yourself by hanging out with her. Time to move on to someone new.
YaOldBuckaroo Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Hey bluepeter, Getting out of the friend zone is hard, but it can be done. A couple of my buddies were there before, and tried to get out. One is still in that zone, and going through hell to get the girl even after having his proposal rejected. The other succeeded, and are together this very day. When a girl picks a girl, she subconsciously looks for genes or traits in the guy that'd make him a suitable partner. If you don't have what she's after or attracted to, then things will be tough for you. To become more attractive in her eyes, you need to "fake" or show the girl that you've got what she wants. Faking it will be hard, and will be a turnoff if once she detects you're fronting. You could try developing traits or qualities that you feel she'll like, but don't push yourself too hard. If finding another girl would be easier, then go for it, only IF you want. However, you two are still making plans on seeing each other even AFTER you told her how you feel, which could be a good sign. Nobody can tell for sure. Only you can. Hope this helps, Max
Eddie Edirol Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Dont keep planning day trips with her. cancel the ones that are planned already. The more trips you plan with her after she told you she doesnt like you, you become even less attractive to her because you are letting her use you for company when you both know you want more. Men that know what they are doing dont do that. She also knows that youre not a challenge, she can have your heart whenever she wants. No one wants that. But most of all, if she isnt attracted to you the way you are, she probably wouldnt fall for you the way you are either, even if she did see you with other omen and got jealous.
Author bluepeter Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Thank you for your insights. I am afraid there is not much hope, although I liked Max his words. Thanks all. Still interested in hearing more. Trying to develop a balanced view, besides what I feel.
Eeyore79 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I think love can develop in some situations. A guy once asked me out and I turned him down, but we continued being friends, and I became increasingly attracted to him as I got to know him better. Six months later we got together as a couple and ended up having quite a long relationship. When he first asked me out, I really didn't know him well enough, and I hadn't seen all of his positive attributes. I wasn't attracted to him because he hadn't given me anything to be attracted to, if you see what I mean? So I wasn't interested in dating him. But over time, I got to know him and his positive attributes slowly emerged, and my attraction to him grew. I think if he had displayed those positive attributes earlier, my attraction would have grown sooner. Some men have a knack of catching your attention really quickly and making it obvious that they're a good catch - they display all of their good qualities at your first meeting, and then they ask you out and you immediately say yes. Other men haven't figured out how to do this, so it might take a while for you to notice their good qualities, or they might be so shy that you never see their good qualities at all. I suppose you could always give it a try - make yourself as attractive as possible to this girl and see if she bites. She has stayed in touch with you and continued to go out with you, so there may be some interest there - maybe you're just not noticing the signs or failing to make a move when she's giving you the green light?
Gemini.rain Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 This make me a little bit confuse. Why this woman want to meet you and only be friends. I'm not sure if this situation will change by time but the best thing you have to do is..date another woman. I'm sorry to tell you this but if she said that she see you as friend, then it's friend. Keep strong! Gemini.rain
ascendotum Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Not impossible but highly unlikely, forget what Hollywood told you. Move on. Short & sweet..this is my take on your situation too. It started off sounding good for you, until the 'I am a great guy, she sees me as a good friend but she doesn't feel attraction' bit. Certainly attraction can develop over time, but after that sort of appraisal I think it highly unlikely for you. Like whats stopping her now. Find a new girl to focus your desires on.
Author bluepeter Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 She enjoys my company, but it was confusing to me that we go on trips that on the surface would look like dates, but they actually aren't. I don't know what kind of test it could be, like someone mentioned. She still wants to do things together, we share certain interests.
orangelady Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Sounds like she is lonely and bored in her life and is using you to chat with her and plan activities but she's saying you're not her type and if she ever runs into someone else who is, she'd be spending time with HIM. Forget about her and get to know other women.
orangelady Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 She enjoys my company, but it was confusing to me that we go on trips that on the surface would look like dates, but they actually aren't. I don't know what kind of test it could be, like someone mentioned. She still wants to do things together, we share certain interests. Yes, I understand. A woman would spend large amounts of time with a man but it doesn't mean she is romantically involved with him. She probably finds that you are very available to her and maybe she doesn't have friends to spend that much of time with her. She enjoys your company but she doesn't want anything serious.
Author bluepeter Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Did I blow my chances by confessing to her, or didn't I have a chance anyway?
grkBoy Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 At this point, your best bet is to date other people. If she's not attracted to you, you're wasting your energy hoping for it. And if you date others, if she had any attraction for you, it might kick start it with a little jealousy. I agree. Stay in touch, but don't be so available. If one thinks that's "mean", then they should imagine the girl started dating another guy...thus asking if he would make day trips for a "taken" girl. Date other women and stay in touch, but don't hope something will come of this. Usually when a girl says she doesn't feel an attraction then in my book she'll only feel one if she's down on her luck, desperate, etc. She's passed judgement and that's hard to overturn.
Author bluepeter Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) Some female friends advised me to tell her. I feel that perhaps that was a mistake, looking back. I should have tried to flirt and touch her more, break the touch barrier, see where it could go. Now she knows I like her. On the other hand, I thought now she finally realizes that I see her in such a way. Maybe I was just naive aswell. Edited October 31, 2011 by bluepeter
grkBoy Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Some female friends advised me to tell her. I feel that perhaps that was a mistake, looking back. I should have tried to flirt and touch her more, break the touch barrier, see where it could go. Now she knows I like her. Based on what I see here, it was the right advice. You were making road trips to see her. Better to get it out there than waste months of time doing these trips, then one day she tells you she met a guy. I think if you made 1-2 trips to see her, then it's time to put it on the table and see if she's worth pursuing.
Author bluepeter Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Based on what I see here, it was the right advice. You were making road trips to see her. Better to get it out there than waste months of time doing these trips, then one day she tells you she met a guy. I think if you made 1-2 trips to see her, then it's time to put it on the table and see if she's worth pursuing. I see what you mean, she also visits me, which takes her about 2,5 hours of travel, and back. It's not only me who's travelling. But I see what you mean.
Author bluepeter Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 The fact that she wanted to see me aswell and initiated daytrips made it confusing. I actually like her as a person, wouldn't want to cut off all contact.
ascendotum Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 The fact that she wanted to see me aswell and initiated daytrips made it confusing. I actually like her as a person, wouldn't want to cut off all contact. You did the right thing confessing, now you know where you stand, and at least she handled it well and didn't get creeped out. Like grkboy I've had them revaluate the friendship & attraction when they have a change of fortune....but not good enough. Its good to see it was not just you making all the effort. If that was the case then I would say absolutely drop the trips with her. If shes still happy to make them to spend time with you then enjoy her company, but like I said before focus your dating efforts on other women, this woman is just a good friend who enjoys trips away with someone who is available. She is probably not proactive in making an effort to find a bf outside of her little social/work circle, but as OrangeLandy said, if a guy that got her tingling between her legs showed her some attention he'd be the one with her arms & legs wrapped around him.
Author bluepeter Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) I will see her again in a month or so. Do you think a subtle change in attitude might make a difference? Like being more of a challenge, being a bit ambivalent. I read something about push/ pull. She seems to genuinely like me, but not in a romantic way.I am planning to get a better haircut, and to go shopping for clothes with a female friend. I want to make a new start in certain areas anyway. Edited November 1, 2011 by bluepeter
YaOldBuckaroo Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 Sure bluepeter no problem. Glad to help. Confessing to her didn't exactly blow your chances, but it really made bagging her extra difficult. Eeyore79 is pointed out a some pretty good pieces of advice. She's still seeing you, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have a good chance at getting with her. It also doesn't mean that you have no chance at all. Basically, chances are slim, but still possible.
Author bluepeter Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) Thanks, now that I told her about what I feel for her, I have the feeling I can act more being myself. A certain tension that I felt is gone. Maybe that's a good thing. I feel I can act more freely now. I'm not sure wether that makes up for a lack of physical(?) attraction, but I'm not sure wether I can be more attractive by body language, what I say non-verbal things, etcetera. I think I just try to work on myself to become the most attractive I can be, not for her but for myself, and just try to have fun when I am with her. Thanks everyone for all the input so far. Edited November 1, 2011 by bluepeter
Author bluepeter Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 But to be honest, sometimes I regret that I told her, I feel like I blew my chances a bit...
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