writergal Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 (edited) In the past I posted here about friendships that failed. One reason I think is because of the whole "friends of necessity" scenario. Those types of friendships are never genuine because only one person's needs are met. The other is just a convenient stand-in for whatever their need is. Once the stand-in fulfills their need then they leave. Some give off clear red flags whereas others are more covert and manipulative. The two most obvious examples are when someone uses you for social or professional connections. I once had a friend who pretended to like me so that I would be her "agony aunt" 24/7. She never wanted to meetup to hang out, but was always available to talk on the phone for hours with me to complain about her life's problems. At first I was fooled into thinking she was really in need of my advice, so I put up with her marathon phone calls for a few weeks. I know, a few weeks too long. As soon as I told her that I couldn't be her crisis connection anymore for my own sanity's sake, the phone calls stopped and I never heard from or saw her again. But a month ago she randomly texted me "hey there, hope you're doing well." I knew it was from her because after three weeks of phone calls, her phone number was burned into my brain, despite the fact that I'd deleted her contact info. from my cell. I deleted her text without responding to it. If I wanted to be someone's agony aunt I would have pursued a counseling license or written my own advice column. No thanks! When I first meet someone and they over share immediately, I know I'm in for another friend of necessity scenario if I comply. Edited October 30, 2011 by writergal Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Good insight Writergal--- I wish I would have figured this out YEARS ago---if I had a nickel for every hour of free phone therapy I provided for friends in the past.......... well I could probably buy Loveshack! lol. I'm still willing to be there for a true friend if/when they're in a crisis---but I have much firmer boundaries regarding that now. I won't give my energy if it's not reciprocated........it has to be a two-way street for me. And even then, there's limits to how much I can absorb of other people's drama. I've found that friendships based on mutual commiseration, that aren't counterbalanced by having FUN together, don't seem to have staying power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author writergal Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I've found that friendships based on mutual commiseration, that aren't counterbalanced by having FUN together, don't seem to have staying power. So true Freestyle! Those type of "misery loves company" friendships never last. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 When I first meet someone and they over share immediately, I know I'm in for another friend of necessity scenario if I comply. I've had the same thing happen to me. She hardly ever wanted to spend time with me, and when she did it was mostly to talk about herself and her problems. Another red flag I look for is a person who shows an unusually high level of interest in my personal life, or in the personal lives of other people they don't know very well. I'm not sure if a friend of necessity would result from that, but something doesn't seem right to me if someone can't wait to jump into the "hero" role. It makes me wonder what's in it for them. Link to post Share on other sites
riverman Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I've had the same thing happen to me. She hardly ever wanted to spend time with me, and when she did it was mostly to talk about herself and her problems. Another red flag I look for is a person who shows an unusually high level of interest in my personal life, or in the personal lives of other people they don't know very well. I'm not sure if a friend of necessity would result from that, but something doesn't seem right to me if someone can't wait to jump into the "hero" role. It makes me wonder what's in it for them. I agree,I noticed that can be a red flag. I read somewhere once to be weary of someone who say of that is my best friend,especially if the person over does it. I had to drop a toxic friend of mine,the dude use to always say that. Link to post Share on other sites
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