It never changes

[Marcus92]

I just don't know what I can do anymore. I try and I try and it all ends in me getting hurt again. It's been this way my whole life, and no matter what I do to, I just chase after what I'll never have.

 

The only way I can bring sense to this story is to start far back.

 

I am 19 years old and I'm currently a freshman in college. I'm premed and I don't really have any special talents or strengths. I was a mediocre student in high school who had a habit of procrastinating way too much. I wasted my days doing nothing, playing video games or just browsing the Internet. As high school drew to a close, I began to develop feelings for a very special girl. She was hardworking, intelligent, and pretty much everything I wished I could be. After months of flirting, and a few dates, I confessed my feelings for her and she became my first girlfriend. I felt so proud of myself, as if somehow having a girlfriend would rectify everything wrong in my life.

 

After two weeks of dating, I became more depressed than ever been before. I got rejected from every college I applied to, except for the one I currently attend. This girl got accepted into the best schools in the contry. The Friday of that week, she said to me that she liked me as a friend. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, and she said she was sorry. That began the worst month of my life.

 

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I could hardly function. I wasn't good enough for her, and I wasn't good enough for these schools I applied to. I felt worthless. My friends harassed her without asking me and I apologized profusely to her. In her anger, she cut off contact with me and I haven't spoken to her since May.

 

This summer ended up being a hard one for me. I ended up abusing alcohol and drugs to help cope with my misery. It was all I could do to wait out for college. Fortunately, frequent visits to an expensive psychiatrist, along with a prescription for antidepressants and ADD medication helped keep me stable. But I knew things needed to change. These drugs were changing me, even as they kept me safe from thoughts of hopelessness. I was worried about permanent changes to my brain caused by all these strong chemicals. College would end up putting things in a better perspective.

 

My time at my university ended up being so helpful to my situation. All those problems at home suddenly gave away to this new faraway life. I was so optimistic about everything. I initially was doing well in my classes, I had new friends, and there were so many opportunities to go out and party. Everything felt so amazing, so new, and all my sadness just washed away. I tapered off my antidepressants and curbed my use of ADD medication significantly. After some discussion with my psychiatrist, he decided that I was ready to stay drug free after five months of medication. And from that point forward, I was clear-minded and free of drugs, save from the substances I consume at parties. Everything was perfect, and then I met the most amazing girl I had ever seen.

 

It began on September 24th. We met through a friend, after I confessed to some girl friends how I wished I could be close with someone. I thought we had a great first date. I was hopeful that things would go well, especially considering how inexperienced I was with dating. Prior to coming to college, the most intimate gesture I ever felt was just a kiss. And that night, we both met again at a party. We were both very intoxicated, and ended up having an intimate encounter.

 

I could hardly believe this happened. After all, I thought, why would anyone ever want to be with me? Was I finally good enough for someone? I was determined to not end things as a one-night stand. I ended up going on several dates with her. I splurged on a fancy night at a restaurant, we went to the park, and did so many more little activities together. I finally thought I had found someone who I could be close to. I wanted a real companion, and for a while, it seemed like it was happening. We held hands, kissed everywhere we went, and most people generally assumed we were already in a committed relationship. There are so many stories I could tell you all about the times we spent together, but I’m sure I’ve already written more than what most people will bother to read.

 

Since school got more intense, my grades were nowhere near the expected levels an aspiring premed student should have. But my saving grace, this girl, kept me optimistic about the future. I was good enough for her. I dreamt about spending time with her, just fantasizing about how I finally found someone who supposedly had feelings for me.

 

Today, she said to me that she likes me as a friend. She said to me that She “really liked me at first” and that I’m “such a nice guy,” but she just doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore. She told me I was “too perfect for her,” and she’s sure I will meet the right person. She said that she still wants to be friends with me, and I agreed that we should still hang out. Of course, I can see through the lie. I don’t want to be friends, I want her to love me the way I love her. If I ended up as just her friend, I’ll just feel frustrated every time I see her. Constantly trying to please someone and expect their affection never works. To call someone a friend after a relationship ends is just another way to softly break his or her heart with good intentions. I wasn’t good enough for her

 

And here I am, heartbroken and writing on this forum. As I wrote this, there were moments where I was filled with rage. At others, I shed tears and felt that all too familiar sinking feeling in my chest. I will never hold her again. I will never hear her say she loves me, and I will never be able to tell her I’ve fallen for her. This girl, with her beautiful red hair and fair skin, stands out of crowds and can catch my eye in an instant. She is different from the masses of people that walk about this school. Now she will be falling in love with other guys, and they will probably be much smarter, better looking, and more talented than I am. There is nobody on this planet exactly like her, and I failed. And now every time I see her, whether it’s in public or on facebook, I’ll feel that pang of heartbreak that I do now.

 

I wasn’t good enough for her. I’m alone again, and I am still just an untalented, unattractive, nobody. I really don’t know what I’m going to do now. It took me five months, a psychiatrist, and a whole bunch of medication to get over my last love. How am I going to get through these next few weeks with all of my assessments? I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to be alone anymore. This world is such a hostile place.

[D87]

Dude you seriously gotta man-up. Girls hate whiny weak guys. You're 19 and had 2 girlfriends, you should be proud of yourself. More will always come along. There are some 40 year old virgins on this forum, how you think they feel?