worthmore Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 I was just reading on another thread that a lot of MP will not share the details of their home life to the AP. That was not my experience - at all. My A was mostly an EA and I heard all about the wife, the kid, the family gatherings, his work, his boss, etc. One evening after one of the few times we met in public, he texted me a picture of his son. I mentioned to him that it was completely inappropriate for him to do that. (I don't remember if I explained why I felt that way, but it made me feel bad to see a glimpse of his 'real life'.) He responded that I had just shown him a pic of my daughter that day when we met, so he thought that it was acceptable for him to share with me. Is it hypocritical of me to say that I could share all of my life, but he should not share all aspects of his own? For those who have been the OW/OM, do you think that this oversharing is a sign of an inexperienced MP? Or was he being careless/reckless? Or just plain stupid? The A is long over, but reading that other thread made me really curious.
chalkfarm Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Hmmm... interesting questions. That, of course, I don't have the answers to. But I do know that becoming the MM's cost-free therapist is an added hazard.
bugaboo Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I was just reading on another thread that a lot of MP will not share the details of their home life to the AP. That was not my experience - at all. My A was mostly an EA and I heard all about the wife, the kid, the family gatherings, his work, his boss, etc. One evening after one of the few times we met in public, he texted me a picture of his son. I mentioned to him that it was completely inappropriate for him to do that. (I don't remember if I explained why I felt that way, but it made me feel bad to see a glimpse of his 'real life'.) He responded that I had just shown him a pic of my daughter that day when we met, so he thought that it was acceptable for him to share with me. Is it hypocritical of me to say that I could share all of my life, but he should not share all aspects of his own? For those who have been the OW/OM, do you think that this oversharing is a sign of an inexperienced MP? Or was he being careless/reckless? Or just plain stupid? The A is long over, but reading that other thread made me really curious. My MM shares a lot of details of his life (projects at home) and family (his brothers and sisters, their kids) but nothing about his R with his W, and often doesn't even mention her when telling about something they clearly would have done together, like going to a show. It's always "I did", rather than "we did". I don't know her name, never likely to meet her. I can't tell if he's drawn this boundary for my sake (to not remind me that he has a W (like I'd forget)), for his sake (to not remind himself that he has a W when he's with me), or for her sake (to protect the W's privacy, keep her removed her from what we're doing). I haven't seen any photos of his life or family, though, and I agree that would be weird. Don't even know where he lives (the town, yes, not the address). He seems to like looking at photos of my kids and life on my phone. I like that he's interested in them, and I like hearing what he tells me about his life; I'm comfortable with the boundaries he's drawn with this.
JaneyAmazed Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I shared way too much with my xOM. Somehow, the worse my M was, the more it "justified" the A. So the more we talked about it, the "better." We both played that game (xOM and I). He talked about his estranged W and all the things that were wrong with their M. I regret telling him the things I did about my M and my H. I can't take it back now, but I do regret it. I totally disrespected my H and it hurts now to think about it. You can't ever take words back. Be careful what you say. Everything I've ever said negative about my H has come back to haunt me. It just reinforces how screwed up I was.
y2k Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Maybe the reason the married person tells their lover so much is because that married person already is, or is in the process of falling legitimately in love with their lover. It only makes sense. My moms best friend cheated on her first husband with another man with whom she eventually married. While she was having the affair with him, she introduced him to her son. They got along great. Months later, she divorced her husband to be with her other man and today she's happy with children from him. Her first son is also fine. If I HAD to guess (and again this is only a guess), she introduced her lover to her son because she was already head over heels in love with him. I guess it could have been a test. The people who cheat strictly for the physical fun only tend to be more direct and more with their mind set already. They wouldn't share anything. Everyone else is only human. I say if someone falls in love with someone else, they should just "make the switch" so to speak. If it wasn't for the BS still being married to the MW/MM, then these MM/MW would have already settled down with their lovers chances are. I say if people are so much in love to reveal so many things, then they should just leave their husbands/wives to be with the other person. People fall in and out of love with people all the time. That's life. Just my take on it.
findingnemo Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Sharing information means there's some bonding going on IMO. Like bugaboo, my xMM shared information about his kids, their schools, what they were doing, where they were going, etc. He was weird about his W and this made me realize that he was very selective about the information he shared. As the A progressed (9 years), he told me about her on only three occasions. There was an operation she had, a disagreement about finances for her family, and something (can't really remember) about her problems at work. But when the A ended and after breaking a 2 year NC, he has told me a lot more. I have counseled him during a separation (his fault entirely), advised him to let her take in a young nephew whose mother (his W's sister) is basically irresponsible, and a lot more. I know more about her now than I ever did as an AP. I don't think it's inexperience although I can see how a MM could inadvertently share too much and regret it. I think it depends on the person and the circumstances of the M. Some MMs are just callous, others are hurting. Some APs are private people, while others are open. Most of them are conflicted and can't really have an OW and their BS on their minds at the same time. JMO.
Gentlegirl Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 xMM never held back about anything. He said he always wanted me to know exactly what was going on in his life. We both e mailed photos of our families etc. We told each other about what our kids and friends were doing. I never heard him malign anybody. He told me that his wife had shut up the sex shop years ago after her hysterectomy and that was the reason he looked for an affair originally. He said that he fell head over heels in love with me . I certainly fell in love badly, madly with him too... you all know the same old story. In our case we were senior citizens in our 60s. We both felt like we were in our teens and behaved like it sometimes. Anyway, I knew a great deal about his real life, wife, friends and job. He introduced me to his grandson one day. I thought it a bit odd that he was so eager to show me what was happening in his real life. I'm not sure what it meant. Maybe he was as naive and silly as I was. Maybe he was creating a common interest between us. I wonder if he was that devious??? Doesn't really matter, the results the same. GG
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I talked very little about my H with 2 reasons in mind. One was that I was already betraying my husband by having an affair so did I really have to show even less respect for my husband ( at myself for that) by telling the ex-OM details/secrets. The other was that it meant I did not tell the ex-OM the truth regarding the state of my marriage in that it was in many ways a happy one. It allowed the ex-OM to make assumptions about the state of the marriage which I did not correct (another at myself).
JaneyAmazed Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I talked very little about my H with 2 reasons in mind. One was that I was already betraying my husband by having an affair so did I really have to show even less respect for my husband ( at myself for that) by telling the ex-OM details/secrets. The other was that it meant I did not tell the ex-OM the truth regarding the state of my marriage in that it was in many ways a happy one. It allowed the ex-OM to make assumptions about the state of the marriage which I did not correct (another at myself). I wish I had done this. When I think about it, I talked to no one about the state of my M. (even before I met xOM). I kept a lot of thing bottled up inside. I thought I could be strong and get through. Everyone thought we had such a perfect marriage that I didn't want to admit it wasn't. xOM had been through a rocky marriage so I felt we had a common bond. I shared the good and bad times with him in my M. He'd even get a little jealous about the good times. I just really trusted him completely and poured my heart and soul out to him. I wanted him to know everything. I didn't hold back. I was in love, and as Y2k mentioned, I think that had a lot to do with it. I was dying to talk about my marital problems to someone. Damn, I wish I had just gone into IC. At least I could actually have gotten help rather than made things worse!
East7 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I just really trusted him completely and poured my heart and soul out to him. I wanted him to know everything. I didn't hold back. I was in love, and as Y2k mentioned, I think that had a lot to do with it. I was dying to talk about my marital problems to someone. Damn, I wish I had just gone into IC. At least I could actually have gotten help rather than made things worse! That is my experience with xMW too. She was an open book with me. I think the level of confidence depends on how strong the emotional bond and intimacy becomes between the APs. The more you feel intimate and trust someone, the more you share.
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 That is my experience with xMW too. She was an open book with me. I think the level of confidence depends on how strong the emotional bond and intimacy becomes between the APs. The more you feel intimate and trust someone, the more you share. For some yes, for others no. I don't think talking or not talking can be taken as an indication of depth of feelings for the AP.
East7 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 For some yes, for others no. I don't think talking or not talking can be taken as an indication of depth of feelings for the AP. Maybe I have misread your previous threads but it doesn't sound like 'you were crazy' about your fOM, so I am not surprised you didn't share that much. PS. too cute your kitty
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Maybe I have misread your previous threads but it doesn't sound like 'you were crazy' about your fOM, so I am not surprised you didn't share that much. PS. too cute your kitty I think the misunderstanding comes about because I have not posted much about how I felt during the affair. It is also something I am reluctant to do now because my H also posts on LS so out of respect to him.... Miaow
mzdolphin Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 ExMM shared a lot about wife, kids and family members. Even shared stuff about how he felt betrayed when they planned to both take jobs out of state, for the same employer and she backed out. He took the job anyway and that led to four years of living in separate states. He said he felt like after having supported her and her two daughters from a previous marriage, that she was not supporting him. (The job was in Florida, where he is from and they lived in Ohio. He was out of work and he said they agreed that if they found work they would only move if the company hired them both. They are both journalists. He found such a place in Florida that offered them both positions. All the kids were adults at this point.) I could hear the pain in his voice when he brought this up, which was often. "When I moved and she wouldn't go with me I felt like my marriage was over." I don't think they have ever recovered from that. Even with me out of the equation, I think that's the big elephant circulating in their marital woes. The fact that he feels like he's given up a lot (he's an award-winning journalist and author who remained in Ohio, where she has lived her entire life). He's turned down some pretty big offers over his career. Now that he's getting older, his kids are all grown up (three from a previous marriage), her kids are grown up and two of his brothers have died, the whole "where has my life gone," thing haunts him. Add to that his best friend for the last 20 years, a Pulitzer prize winning journalists, also an Ohio native, left the area two years ago to join his wife in the D.C. area, where I live. ExMM wants to move to DC. Last year told me he was looking for jobs here. After I broke things off and a year had gone by. When we talked again I told him that the resentment would eat away at his marriage. That if they could address this issue head on they might be able to "recapture the magic." Prior to him lying to me about his marital status, I had considered him a good friend. So I really did want him to stop cheating and get his life back. I told him the lying and cheating was beneath him.
East7 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 I think the misunderstanding comes about because I have not posted much about how I felt during the affair. It is also something I am reluctant to do now because my H also posts on LS so out of respect to him.... This makes a BIG difference...
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 This makes a BIG difference...I hope (for you) that your posts are not biased. Well they were all over the place when I first joined LS But no, I don't think there is bias. As I am sure you can imagine, my H and I have done a lot of talking about all this and have also both used LS as a tool to help us through reconciliation. He and I are very honest with each other and that does allow me to post in an open manner too.
woinlove Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Revealing details can certainly be connected to depth of feelings, but it can also be connected to the individual's personality, as well as to what their current needs are. When I hear a story about a MM/MW who reveals intimate details about their M or their spouse early in the A, it makes me think it may be either a strategy (to make that soulmate-like-connection if they have done this before) or they may have a strong need for reassurance, to have someone on "their side". I would not assume that is connected to their depth of feelings. More likely it is an early indication of the type of emotional needs they bring into the A. It would probably be better for everyone if the AP sent them to a therapist, in that case. Not likely to happen though.
Summer Breeze Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Before he A xMM and I had a lot of talks about the state of their M and how I thought he should endeavor to fix it or at least try. He never offered to say anything bad about her but answered any questions I had about the M that I had. Once the A was ongoing it was about us. We talked about our grown kids and jobs and politics and places we'd gone and things we'd done. We talked about books and movies and we made our own sets of memories alone and with friends. There wasn't anything in our A that had anything to do with her. It was about us. I do remember once he started a conversation about her which was obviously starting with a complaint. I interrupted him and said I don't want to hear it. If you are unhappy enough to complain you're unhappy enough to leave. That was midway through the A and other than in passing she was never brought up again. Neither was the M. Our focus was our R not theirs. When I was the BS I never cared what he said to her because it was done. Once I was betrayed the M was nothing. It was almost like it didn't even exist so I never got concerned about anything they'd said. I think trying to read something into whether or not they're talking about it is silly to contemplate. It's control-why do you want to hear about it? If they want to talk about the M they should stay home and talk about it or get a shrink.
TinaniT Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 My husband tells me everything, and that was true during the affair as well. It would have seemed weird to me to only share part of our lives, and I loved hearing about his kids. (Although it did add another pressure before I met them.) I knew exactly what went on with his ex as well, though he tried not to speak too critically about her as is appropriate - she had raised his kids and helped him build his life, despite what she might have done later. I did at a point regret my candidness about my ex husband and what had transpired, because it has led to a lot of enmity from my husband to my ex that I don't consider appropriate lest my son ever notice. His dad may have been abusive to me, but never to him, and I never want my son to think badly of father where I have the ability to counteract that. I am excellent at concealing hurts and feelings; my husband does not have that ability. I needed someone at that point though - it was a neediness - to tell me it is not just what I deserved.
confusedinkansas Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 During my A it's what bonded us together - probably FOREVER. I knew all about what was up at his house - (or so I still believe) & he mine. He knew about my kids & I knew about his. Which could be a reason why we are still in contact after all these years. Asking about family stuff, etc. Not sure if it's good or bad. It just IS.
2sure Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 My experience with Married men sharing details of their private lives with OW: If your socially friends, or work together - not unusual. If your relationship doesnt extend beyond the affair - some married men and probably OW too - disclose as many details of their real lives as possible to the affair partner in an effort to make them a part of their every day lives. For example, when I was OW I would almost always be told about the kids, their accomplishments , photos, etc. I would be told in detail about AP's success with projects at work. I would be told in more vague terms about the wife - both her good points and her faults (always in the form of his being the hero or martyr). I shared almost nothing important in return but knew that the above was something they required, part of the affair package. Why they felt the need to share, or the need to share selectively? I would think because for the most part they wanted to be a complete relationship to 2 women , thats usually the deal . Never works, but in their minds the friendlier an affair seems to be, the more validated they feel. Im just stating my experience, not judging them exactly, maybe guessing a bit because Ive never figured it out completely. In hindsight, I have to admit that as little as I offered them as far as my life outside of the affair...they really seemed to believe we were tight.
Got it Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) I was just reading on another thread that a lot of MP will not share the details of their home life to the AP. That was not my experience - at all. My A was mostly an EA and I heard all about the wife, the kid, the family gatherings, his work, his boss, etc. One evening after one of the few times we met in public, he texted me a picture of his son. I mentioned to him that it was completely inappropriate for him to do that. (I don't remember if I explained why I felt that way, but it made me feel bad to see a glimpse of his 'real life'.) He responded that I had just shown him a pic of my daughter that day when we met, so he thought that it was acceptable for him to share with me. Is it hypocritical of me to say that I could share all of my life, but he should not share all aspects of his own? For those who have been the OW/OM, do you think that this oversharing is a sign of an inexperienced MP? Or was he being careless/reckless? Or just plain stupid? The A is long over, but reading that other thread made me really curious. Why would it have been inappropriate to show you a picture of his son? I guess I never got the rule book on affairs as I blasted through many of them apparently. But when we got together we talked about each other's lives, involved each other with our lives, etc. There is no "real" life, your life is your life. His "real" live is one where he has a family and has a girlfriend/mistress/OW. That is/was his real life. We did overlap in certain circles so spending time with dMM was easy and so I saw him every day almost. I am not sure what you stated is indicative of experience or not, it is indicative of him and what he wants to discuss/share. I guess that dMM was not typical in that manner as well. He also had no issues with calls anytime, copious time spent together, etc. And we did speak candidly about our spouses, both good and bad. I never had a lot of negative to say about my ex, I think he is a pretty great guy and have stated such. DMM was more complimentary about his ex before the divorce, that became much uglier. Why would you not wanted to know about his life? Why would you want to limit your exposure? What was the purpose of that? Edited November 1, 2011 by Got it
Author worthmore Posted November 1, 2011 Author Posted November 1, 2011 Why would it have been inappropriate to show you a picture of his son? I guess I never got the rule book on affairs as I blasted through many of them apparently. But when we got together we talked about each other's lives, involved each other with our lives, etc. There is no "real" life, your life is your life. His "real" live is one where he has a family and has a girlfriend/mistress/OW. That is/was his real life. We did overlap in certain circles so spending time with dMM was easy and so I saw him every day almost. I am not sure what you stated is indicative of experience or not, it is indicative of him and what he wants to discuss/share. I guess that dMM was not typical in that manner as well. He also had no issues with calls anytime, copious time spent together, etc. And we did speak candidly about our spouses, both good and bad. I never had a lot of negative to say about my ex, I think he is a pretty great guy and have stated such. DMM was more complimentary about his ex before the divorce, that became much uglier. Why would you not wanted to know about his life? Why would you want to limit your exposure? What was the purpose of that? Good questions. I guess things were really different for me - when the affair started, I did not know he was married or had a family. So, he was slowly revealing the information about his wife and child after I found out. Maybe I didn't want to know because the man that (I thought) I fell for was single? Not sure. Thanks for all of the responses. I guess that some people just share more than others and it has more to do with personality than experience.
Got it Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Good questions. I guess things were really different for me - when the affair started, I did not know he was married or had a family. So, he was slowly revealing the information about his wife and child after I found out. Maybe I didn't want to know because the man that (I thought) I fell for was single? Not sure. Thanks for all of the responses. I guess that some people just share more than others and it has more to do with personality than experience. Oh wow, yes that certainly is a whole other ball of wax. I am so sorry about that. Yes I think that would play a major factor for you.
MissBee Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) I was just reading on another thread that a lot of MP will not share the details of their home life to the AP. That was not my experience - at all. My A was mostly an EA and I heard all about the wife, the kid, the family gatherings, his work, his boss, etc. One evening after one of the few times we met in public, he texted me a picture of his son. I mentioned to him that it was completely inappropriate for him to do that. (I don't remember if I explained why I felt that way, but it made me feel bad to see a glimpse of his 'real life'.) He responded that I had just shown him a pic of my daughter that day when we met, so he thought that it was acceptable for him to share with me. Is it hypocritical of me to say that I could share all of my life, but he should not share all aspects of his own? For those who have been the OW/OM, do you think that this oversharing is a sign of an inexperienced MP? Or was he being careless/reckless? Or just plain stupid? The A is long over, but reading that other thread made me really curious. I truly do believe some MM believe in some alternate reality that they can introduce the OW into some aspects of their lives and it won't be a problem. I think many do care for the OW and carry on the relationship as though it is not an A and thus, shows her more of his "other life". Then some try to keep it entirely separate or hide the fact that they're married altogether. As for revealing details of the marriage that is plain and simply tacky and I do not understand how someone can stomach someone who complains or talks about their wife all the time. Even in single relationships, any man who constantly brings up his ex, especially to complain about her, would be annoying to me. There was a thread once in which the OW said the MM even told her when he and the wife had sex, he complained about all kinds of things and pretty much she sounded like his unpaid therapist! I was shocked In my A....he did show me pictures of his child and I knew about his life, his work, comings and goings (he really did try to reconcile the fact that he loved me too and I was part of his life, totally ignoring his girlfriend, hence my comment about the alternate reality, where they care but it's illogical some of the things they try to do).I just didn't know details about his relationship with the girlfriend. Why would I need to know that? So I think he played it smart by neither bad mouthing her nor talking about her as though we were friends and I'm supposed to enjoy that conversation! If he did, I would have probably ended the A way sooner as the whole reality would be even more apparent and awkward. In some odd way, I think he tried to respect that relationship and make it separate from what we had. He didn't try to pit me against her or use me as a sounding board to discuss their problems or create an atmosphere in which she was always in my mind. In the same way, for what it's worth, I don't believe he would share the details of our relationship with another either and while an A is all around bad, I'd rather a man who if he cheats he tries to apply some level of discretion I guess, versus telling all my business and our problems to his OW. Edited November 2, 2011 by MissBee
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