BigDumbFoot Posted October 29, 2011 Posted October 29, 2011 Hi all. This is my first time posting here, so let me give a little big of contextual information. I was going to post this big long story about her and I, but I'll just give the summary.. I want to get right to the point. -We met in college, she was my first everything (kiss/girlfriend/sex partner/you name it). -We were together for well over 6 years. We got along great and saw eye to eye on pretty much everything. Had similar goals, ideals, philosophies, were able communicate very openly, and always made each other laugh. At the same time we were both pretty insecure, but still stayed together. -2 years ago I graduated college, we moved in together. I had a little bit of a break down, start getting panic/anxiety attacks, suffered from pretty severe depression, and start to become emotionally/financially dependent on her. She is fiercely independent so this is a turn off for her. I get a job after 4 months, things get better for a while, though I'm still suffering from anxiety issues. -We actually work for the same organization, although we have different job placements. That winter we talk about opening up the relationship, dating out side of it because we both missed out on the college experience. I get excited and start flirting around, she gets intensely insecure and decides to nix the idea. We are back to being exclusive for the next 9 months or so. -I end up working at her job placement to make up for hours I need (it's a service placement, so we have to have a certain amount of hours per year). About a week into it she says that she wants to do the open relationship thing again, and that she's serious about it this time. A week later it becomes a break. Another week later it becomes a break up. Meanwhile we are still working together. She tells me she is seeing someone else. -I go back to my old position because her location only needed help for the summer. A week into it she sends me a text saying she feels that she did everything she thought of to try to keep the friendship alive and that she misses me so much it hurts. I get my hopes up. Three weeks later I see her in a car with the new guy she is seeing. It is very awkward and painful. I text her the next week saying everything she told me was bull****, and that the only thing she ever cared about was herself, and other things along that line. -A week later I apologize and we are forced to see each other for some sort of work training a couple days later. We are amicable but awkward with each other. Another week later I am out of work (our service contracts only allow us to work for 2 years at the most). -One week into unemployment I get a call to interview for a job I applied for while I was still working. I used my ex as a reference so I'm sort of forced to tell her; she reciprocates and I almost feel like I'm at square one again, but I get the job. Been working for them for about a week now, and haven't contacted the ex since I texted her about using her as a reference. So my question is, how long am I going to feel this incredible amount of pain? Every day still feels like torture for me even though it's been about 3 months since we officially broke up. I'll still come home from work and ball my eyes out every day. Is this normal? I feel like I've wasted my life up until this point. I'm incredibly insecure around other people and feel inadequate with my life choices up until this point. Is this a typical reaction to a break up? Or am I just drawing things out longer than they need to be? I've never been in this situation before so I really have no idea what is supposed to happen. Any kind of advice would be welcome. Thank you.
Author BigDumbFoot Posted October 29, 2011 Author Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks for the response TLG. You are right about everything. I get in moods sometimes where I get really down on myself, but then I have moments of clarity where I realize that I am truly blessed for having someone around who could love me unconditionally for so long and who helped me grow into the person that I am today. Not very many people can say they had that at such a young age, but I can. I don't know if I would have made it through college if it wasn't for her, honestly. She really lit a fire under my ass to get up and do something with my life. Just because she's gone now doesn't mean that my reason for living has to be. I was doing a lot of things for a while there. There was a really active period where I was volunteering literally every other day just to keep my mind off of my pain.. But then that got overwhelming so I stopped. I'd like to pick that up again but with a different approach. Maybe make it more about helping others than making it about stopping my pain. I was getting into this church near my house. It was a Universalist Unitarian church, and I really enjoyed going.. But that stopped too. Starting that job kind of put a wrench in things for some reason (probably because it's such a big adjustment), but I know that I'll get started on the right path again. I just have to have more patience with myself is all. I have things to look forward too. I finally decided what I want to go to grad school for and have already started making the right steps towards doing so (after 2 years of putting it off). So, I'm not doing as bad as I make it sound, I just like throwing the occasional pity party for myself here and there.
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